Dave John: The Man, The Myth, The Legend
Those who are veteran delegates of Youth and Government will be familiar with the sparkly-eyed, white-haired ball of friendliness that is the vessel for the spirit of Dave John. However, if one peels back his outer layer, one can see the holes that pepper his story. Here are the conspiracy theories and rumors about one of YAG’s most beloved advisors.
Every aspect of Dave John’s life is littered with speculation, though this may be able to be attributed to the powers gifted to him by various deities and alien royalty. However, one thing is certain: Dave John was born on April 1st, 1878, or perhaps hatched is the more appropriate terminology. From a clam shell found in the Susquehanna River by a local fisherman, he started his life with a splash, which drew the attention of a seemingly innocuous man dressed in a plain black suit.
The man collected him for a secret government operation called the Dragon Project, which is where the tattoo of a fire-breathing dragon on his left bicep came from. Due to a budget oversight, however, the project was shut down and the children placed in cryogenic freezers until the project could be restarted. When the Communist threat began to appear in the 1950s, the project was revitalized and made a subsection under the CIA. For years, he was fed super-serum, making him the equivalent of Captain America, but the government wanted more than a bodybuilder- they needed a hero. Various chemicals and treatments left Dave John with electric blue hair that refuses to be dyed and fear of silver, probably from the metal instruments that were used by the faceless scientists.
When the heads of the program decided the men, if they could even be called that anymore, were ready for battle, they were sent to survey the Russian threat in the Arctic Sea. But as fate would have it, weather interfered, plunging the rest of the unit into the icy waters leaving Dave John as the only advisor. Deciding to take his fate into his own hands, Dave John let the world believe he died and lived out his dream as a world-class death metal xylophonist.
Feeling lost in the world, Dave John attempted to find purpose. This is where the stories diverge dear readers, as there were many sightings of his elusive person, but none can be confirmed. Some put him climbing the Berlin Wall, others recollect stories of a strange man with a pet trout named Sir Elton John that would wander the Susquehanna River. Others say he was in the Olympics, where he was set to beat Usain Bolt until jaundice struck him the night before he was set to race. Some people swear he had a reality TV show titled Digging Deep with Dave, a philosophical landscaping show. Others swear he impersonated the Queen of England and acted as her stunt double.
The paths converge when Dave John began working as an advisor in YAG, though for what purpose, there is no clear answer. Perhaps he found a love of government and engaging the youth, or perhaps he is looking to recruit for his own secret project.
One thing is true: Dave John is a figure shrouded in mystery and intrigue. So when you see him quirk a small smile, or click his heels before vanishing into thin air, know that he is a permanent fixture in the YAG community and will always be there to help any delegate.