Fluffy

Here for your entertainment.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: 1 year and 8 weeks

Mercy is a whole other life form anymore. A week after her birthday she started walking with zero assistance. This week she started running. She still has her little falls but she falls with absolute grace and doesn’t face plant at all. She now has a total of 10 teeth, three of which are molars, but she’s still getting down the concept of biting off of something. So I’m still having to break things down into bite sized pieces for her. Or maybe that’s just what she prefers and she’s manipulating me. Couldn’t tell ya.

She knows and demonstrates some sign language, so figuring out what she wants isn’t as hard as it used to be. That doesn’t mean she always makes sense though. The other morning as I went to pull her out of her crib, she signed “more” and I was perplexed because “more.. what..?” I pulled her into bed with me for her morning bottle of milk because that’s been the routine for a good while now. She refused the bottle and snuggled up to my chest and fell back asleep.

Sleep. She wanted more sleep.

Which is funny because when she woke up she started throwing her binkies into my bed and one managed to pelt my head.

During her birthday I came to the unfortunate conclusion that her father is a dead weight but it didn’t fully sink in until the holidays. I tend to have high expectations for people but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a C+ father from a C average man.

I resorted back to razor blades as a coping mechanism as of the last 3 ish months. It’s a form of punishment for me for being an idiot. I should’ve stepped into this journey on my own, without Mercy’s dad. I feel like life would’ve been a little less stressful had I decided it was just me and my family. Him and his mom add so much more stress than they’re worth and I hate to say it. I don’t ever regret having her, she’s the bestest thing that has ever happened to me, I just wish I navigated our course a little differently.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 48, Day 3(?)

Mercy is figuring out how to stand up and has been trying to walk on her own. She’s growing oh so fast. She’s still a size 6-9 month in shoes but clothing wise she’s starting to get too big for size 12 months, which is insane. Her fourth tooth popped through a couple weeks ago, most babies have eight teeth by now. But that doesn’t stop her from eating Mac and cheese and pizza.

Mercy is definitely a drama queen and has us all wrapped around her finger. She gives me the most beef but she also hugs and snuggles me the most out of everyone, so I take it as her being comfortable and real with me the most. Which is sweet.

Bean sleeps through the night but I get 6 hours of sleep on average. I do all of my independent activities after she’s in bed; I can’t really play video games or clean as much as I’d like during the day.

Things with her dad have been complicated but he’s been avidly working with her and her walking. She’s not talking and babbling as much as other babies but I was a quiet toddler too.

I keep reflecting on the last year and marveling at how she’s grown, it’s wild to think to that she was just a pile of mush when she was born. Or even the size of a blueberry when I first found out about her existence. Soon she’ll be a year old, she’s 2’2” and 23 pounds. I’ll blink and she’ll be in kindergarten. And I’ll take a nap and wake up to her getting ready to graduate high school. It’s so crazy ;-;

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 42, Day 3

Mercy had a fever last night but it was worse than a teething fever. She woke up every other hour crying and eventually wouldn’t sleep in her own bed. I took her to the hospital early this morning because she was breathing rapidly and getting warmer despite the Tylenol. They said that it’s an ear infection, gave her antibiotics and sent us off.

She’s been very miserable today and wouldn’t eat anything for the first several hours of the day. She only takes comfort in her binky and sleeping on me or near me. We’ve been on a good schedule of Tylenol and Motrin so her fever has dropped a good bit.

Mercy still isn’t her normal happy self but she’s getting there, I got her to laugh a few hours ago.

I am absolutely miserable, I haven’t had a decent sleep in a couple days and hearing Bean cry all day has been heartbreaking. I hope she feels better soon

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 40, Day 2

It’s 5AM and my allergies are acting up. I sat up and blew my nose in bed while Mercy slept two feet away from me. The noise scared her awake; she lifted her head and stared at me and her face looked like she wanted to cry. I assured her that things were ok and that she could go back to sleep..

She blew a raspberry at me before laying back down.

[godshideouscreation]

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 37

I went out and had a girls night with (almost) zero time restrictions and zero responsibilities and it was pretty nice. Even before I had Mercy, I was the Mama Bear friend at bar and concert outings. So naturally, when my bestie got absolutely hammered and started being too silly, I stopped drinking and made sure she didn’t get into any conflicts and made sure she was ok mentally and emotionally throughout the night. Happy birthday to m’lady <3

I hate that I started drinking again but it hasn’t gotten as extreme as it used to be. I mainly drink after work late at night and only have two beers max. Which is stellar compared to the 6+ a night I used to have. I say mainly because there’s been a time or two where I have a drink for breakfast. I don’t know why, it makes zero sense. It makes me sleepy and irritable and my child typically wakes us up at 8AM just to pass out around 930/10 after breakfast and playtime. And her naps aren’t longer than 45 minutes anymore. So I end up miserable. I haven’t mentioned this in therapy because it seems like I stew on my partner every session and it’s always the same matter and I don’t do anything about it.

Sometimes I feel like I suck as a parent, mainly because I slack on Mercy’s hygiene and our bedroom is an absolute mess. But she never goes more than 3 or 4 days without a bath, and she always has clean clothes, and she has a space to crawl and a thing to lounge in and a thing to “hop” in. I sanitize all of her stations at least once a week. I take better care of her than myself, and put all of her needs before mine. But I feel like I could do a lot better.

My partner still doesn’t have a job but has found ways to help out with supplies and whatnot. Mercy hangs out with him at least three days a week. Things seem to be better between us.

My new medications kinda suck and contribute to my bad sleeping habits. If I take them at 9am, I’m burnt out and done by 6 or 7pm. But if I take them at 3pm, I’m awake until maybe 330am at most. My work shifts are usually 4pm-10 or 11 and my baby usually has bedtime around 10. I spend the first hour or two after work either unwinding or doing some cleaning tasks, which cuts into my sleep. Because she’ll sleep for 8 ish hours, play and eat for an hour or two, and then crash for an hour tops. So I get six hours of sleep at the most. And whenever I omit the after work chores, I fall behind for the week and everything is ass.

It feels like there’s no winning, but I know it’ll get better. I love my baby so much, it feels unreal, and I wouldn’t change any of this journey for.. well, anything.

Mercy hates being groomed (face cleansing and hair combing is a big task) which is unfortunate, because the ladies in the family and myself have gotten her plenty of hair bows for when her hair gets long enough. But I’m thankful that I can at least comb her hair back after bath time; this leaves her with a cute faux hawk. It’s so precious.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 36, day 3

Mercy has her two front bottom teeth and has perfected saying “Mama” and “Baba” and has started hissing and blowing raspberries again. Her feets aren’t as soft as they used to be and it makes me sad; she seems to be growing up way too fast. When she transitions from sitting to on her belly, she doesn’t face plant or even graciously fall anymore. She straight up knows what she’s doing. She’s getting good at standing and army crawling, we think she’s close to figuring out how to crawl on her hands and knees. She’s eating two meals a day and we discovered that she hates potatoes. Which is funny because during the first couple trimesters of pregnancy, I couldn’t stand potatoes. And potatoes are my favorite.

Mercy loves animals; whenever she sees a cat or a dog, she REALLY wants to pet it. But she doesn’t know how to be gentle yet, so we’re not letting her try to yank tails or smack the fur babies.

She also really loves chocolate ice cream. I give her occasional tastes of things that I’m eating (no spicy things or things she can choke on) and she damn near fought me for my ice cream.

I worry about her hygiene because I suck with my own. We don’t brush her teef every day and we ought to. It’s just hard because by the time we’re done with breakfast and getting dressed for the day, she’s cranky and not having it. We’ll get better about it though.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 29, Day 3

Mercy’s first tooth seems to be partially breaking through her gums, if not all the way now. She hasn’t been ultra fussy but she’s definitely been more clingy and upsetti.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 22

Mercy absolutely loves her cereal. She started trying to take the spoon from me and I let her; she somehow got oatmeal up her arm to the shoulder and all over her legs so she got a daytime bath. But she’s been a happy camper. I’m glad she loves her cereal and is wanting to feed herself. But I know I’ll miss feeding her when she gets fully independent.

I’ve been seeing posts and videos about “the 4 month sleep regression” and how the naps are unpredictable and baby wakes up every few hours during the night and how miserable these moms are. And I can’t relate. Not because Mercy wasn’t sleep regressing at 4 months, but because I’ve managed to adapt I guess? I’m used to waking up every 2-4 hours. Her naps are always unpredictable, but that’s because we do different things and go places on a day to day basis. When she obviously needs a nap, I know how to make do and work around it without putting everything on hold and she still gets adequate rest. I feel like it’s not that hard. I’m told I have a very easy going baby and maybe that’s contributing to it but I think that I’m also just stuck in the newborn routine anyway so it’s not that big of a deal. As far as I’m concerned, she’s never had a sleep regression phase. Sometimes she fights naps and gets stupid cranky but it’s nothing that I can’t manage.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 27, Day 5

Mercy can now roll over! We got her a giant play yard for the living room and she just rolls around and smacks at her toys. She’s very fond of the dog and animals in general; she squeals whenever she sees an animal and is very adamant about touching it.

Mercy had her first splish splash bath; her first bathing tub only had her bum submerged and her feet dangling out of the tub. This new one is a full on small tub that she can sit up in and she loves it. She had fun kicking and hitting the water.

She’s taking an interest in everything anyone near her eats or drinks. I let her have tastes if what I have is baby friendly. She just licks what I have and it’s cute. She liked a lick of beef and cheese burrito and cream cheese frosting, she wasn’t too fond of chicken or tortilla by itself. She also likes egg and watermelon.

She’s getting absolutely huge and it’s killing me, she fills both arms when I hold her instead of just the one. I desperately need to organize my room and adjust her set up because she’s too big for her current diaper changing area. I feel like I never have enough time to do anything.

[everythingfox]

Living his best life

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 25

Mercy said “Mama” for the first time a couple days ago and I’ve been beaming ever since. She doesn’t call me Mama but when she’s in distress or wants something she’ll say “Mamamamama”. She’s so precious.

She’s not crawling or rolling over yet, she’s very close though. She’ll roll over 80% of the way and then flop back when her arm gets in the way. And she has the leg movements for crawling figured out, but she tends to throw her shoulders back whether she’s on her belly or being held and I think it’s odd. She reaches in front of her just fine. Maybe she just needs more arm focused play time.

Mercy has one or two baby meals every day now. She has her bowl of oatmeal and a fruit or veggie purée, sometimes she gets a breast milk popsicle mixed with fruit or just on its own. She still loves avocados and has recently taken a liking to blueberries, carrots, and bananas. We haven’t tried apples again but she enjoys pears. We tried a beef puree and she was pretty indifferent about it. I’m excited to have her try dairy, I hope she’s not allergic like me. I eat one slice of cheese and get a new cluster of hives somewhere. I can’t tell you how many giant cotton candy bubblegum milkshakes I had when I was pregnant with her though; that was my ultimate craving and it sucked.

Mercy’s half birthday is on May 2nd, I was thinking of getting her a personal watermelon to devour. Or giving her a couple bites of ice cream. Or maybe a mango or peach, something fun.

My depression has definitely not gone away and I’m losing control of my emotions. Like I dunno how to deal with things anymore. I wish I could just be a stay at home mom and drown in my baby’s world, but it’s out of the question. I want to see if the company that owns my restaurant has an office opening. It could be boring or annoying but I don’t think it’d be as stressful or smelly as my kitchen job.

I started playing Pikmin for the very first time this week and I’m obsessed. The time limit in the game makes me anxious but I love the little guys.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 21, Day 6

Mercy loves her cereal now and also likes avocados. She hates apples, which I think is wild. She tolerates bananas and carrots. We’re still figuring out green beans.

She’s figuring out how to blow raspberries and stares people down while they eat or drink anything. She seems to get upset when chips are eaten in front of her. I keep telling Mercy that I’ll share all of my snacks with her when she can start eating certain things.

I feel like I’m not doing great mentally. My self esteem sucks and paranoia says everyone hates me. I probably shouldn’t care but it’s hard not to. I’ve been feeling alone and I have people I can bug but the way I operate makes relationships very hard. I can’t really keep conversations going, and people think that I’m just not interested but I’m really just a human with very few words to say anymore. A lot of the time, I feel like I’m asking all the wrong questions and saying all the wrong things. Or maybe people just don’t want to talk to me. And that’s okay, but it makes me think there’s something wrong with me.

I’m definitely depressed.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 20

Mercy can sit on her own for the most part. She just randomly flails and flops over occasionally. She can’t transition from laying down to sitting up on her own yet, but with the assisted crunches we do every morning, I’m sure she’ll be there in no time. #DexterandBreakfast

Her dad watches her on the weekends now and I work Wednesday through Sunday for the most part. So she gets time with her dad on Friday and Saturday, and her dad hangs out with my parents at my house on Sunday’s and they collectively take care of her. It makes me stupid happy when I can say to my manager that “She’s with her dad, I can totally stay longer if needed”. Not that I can’t when she’s with my mom, but it’s nice to have others know that her dad is in the picture.

When I first started getting to know her dad 8 years ago, there were a good amount of reasons as to why I’d have a kid or two with him (and only him; I hated the thought of kids because this world sucks ass and how dare I bring an innocent into this mess but he clearly loves kids and helped raise his niece and nephew) and I’m reminded every weekend of those reasons. He may get on my nerves or be a pain in my ass but he absolutely loves and treasures her and is willing to be better for her and that’s all I could ever ask for.

Baby Bean’s main sounds are

Buh-gee-goo

Awh-wha

Un-Ghee

And an exasperated sigh

Oh and some squeals

Like consistent high pitched squeals, I woke up to those this morning and couldn’t believe it.

She also hisses now and she looks happy when she does it, but it feels sus.

Like, what’s the beef, Baby Bean??

I don’t sing to her, I do scat, because I suck at singing. Maybe that’s the beef..

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 19, Day 3

Our room is an absolute mess, it doesn’t help that it’s already cramped. Therapist says that being in survival mode is normal right now and that it’s okay but I hate it.

Mercy ate some super diluted oatmeal yesterday. She only ate a couple bites before she starting spitting it out. We’re trying diluted carrots sometime this week, and maybe bananas after that. The oatmeal experiment was fun and cute, so I’m ridiculously excited for the next food adventures.

She keeps hitting my lip piercings when I cradle her, I worry that one of these days it’ll crack my teeth ;-;

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 19, Day 2

I’m pretty sure baby Bean is low key teething, she’s been chewing on everything she can get her hands on and she’s been drooling a lot too. She’s gotten super great at the hand to mouth coordination. She’s been trying to sit up and hates being cradled anymore. I can now carry her on my hip without needing to support her head and she’s figuring out how to hold her bottle.

We’re trying oatmeal mixed with breast milk tomorrow and I’m so excited. I can’t wait to share snacks and breakfast with her. Our morning routine is pretty good, bedtime is surprisingly good too despite me working late nights. I’m the only one suffering, she wakes us up at 7:30 or 8 in the morning every day and I can’t seem to nap with her during the day. It’s always been hard for me to nap during the day but you’d think I’d be able to if I’m dog tired.

At her 4 month checkup, Mercy weighed 13.5 pounds and measured 24 inches long. Absolutely huge compared to her newborn size of 6.5 pounds and 19 inches. It’s so crazy, I’ve been crying over how much she’s grown.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 17, Day 3

Mercy has been throwing her toys, attempting to roll over, chittering at me like Chewbacca, grabbing everything she can, covering her face with her blankets, and somewhat laughing. She got more shots today and she only cried when the second one was injected, she didn’t mind the needle puncture at all. She loves it when I “Nyem nyem nyem” at her feet and play with her hands.

I had her Dad watch her at his place for the first time for a shift and it went really good. She was the happiest camper when I brought her home, she wasn’t cranky while I was gone. So we decided that he’ll watch Bean once a week, as long as the place is kept clean and clear.

Bean has almost outgrown her infant car seat so I got her one that’ll grow with her and shift into a booster seat. I’m excited but I’m sad that she’s growing so damn fast.

Winter only lasted a few weeks it seems like, so all of the sweaters I bought her are pretty much useless and I’m bummed. I guess I’ll just contribute them to her birthday quilt. Or dress her in the Oregonian style of sweaters with shorts