captain schnaebe

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10 more or less nice-ish alternative facts

‘Cats the Musical’ opened to great reviews. Especially actual cats found themselves raving about it, saying the performances were “meow. Just absolutely meow”.

“Being a stripper can be fun!” exclaims Jasmine St. Claire, porn star and former gang bang record holder. "Except when you’re an onion, then it’s just a lot of work.”

A young teenage clown named Bim Bam Buttons (14) was kicked out of catholic school for using holy water for her water squirt rose and for “wearing an ungodly amount of make up”.

Bim Bam Buttons, the teenage clown who wears too much make up, got arrested on a DUI-charge last Friday night. After having snuck out of her dormitory and drinking too many alcopops, she was caught driving around drunk on her unicycle. 

The CIA agents had to stop their enhanced interrogation, seeing that their suspect would never crack, what with said suspect being a tough coconut. Literally and metaphorically.

Once again, the fire department’s annual BBQ feast came to an early end as overly eager firemen hosed down the fire of the grill station.

President Trump is urging everyone to cover their mouths when they sneeze so as to send the sneezes “right back to where they came from”.

After running her first 21K, she trained even harder, hoping to one day finish a 21L, or maybe even an M. 

The Baha Men’s first single should have been a ballad called ‘Who let the tears out (huhuhu)’.  Management, however, urged the group to debut with a catchier tune titled ‘Who let the dogs out (Who? Who? Who?)’ as going with a ballad didn’t really fit the vibe of the band nor the zeitgeist of the 2000s.

Years later, a music group called the ‘Huhu Boys’ got the rights to and auditioned with ‘Who let the tears out (huhuhu)’ on Britain’s Got Talent. They got 4 Yeses. Simon Cowell said it was “the saddest fucking act he’d ever seen. But in a good way.” 

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file under: ‘stuff i don’t remember’

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bold is courage having fun

fitting artwork by bean, my former boss’ 7yo daughter:

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a brief summary of everything

the day daises the night nights and the animal animals

sometimes the human animals, too but that’s just how the world worlds. (we must not kebab the fight)

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what if growing pains are really just pains growing?

trick question.

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‘weltschmerz in disguise’ aka ‘hahawaii’

Here’s how to make the world a happier place: Instead of bombs we should just drop clowns in long sleeve Hawaiian shirts. The news would report of Kim Jong Un testing jokes over Japan and Trump would just, well, LOL. 

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sapiosexual

Still. The question is: What if we were all less primitive? What if were aroused by intellect, as opposed to, say, dicks and tits? Would everything change? Would you talk Dostojewski to me? Would we shout Latin obscenities? Would we kiss French more eloquently? And would you cheat and have stimulating conversations with someone smarter than me? Would women be told to cover their books? Would our daughters get drunk on poetry and get raped in the library? Discuss.

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the last laugh

dying is such an obvious surprise so on the day i stop being alive i shall look death dead in the eye and i’ll casually say: “oh, hey. what’s up?” “ha! I fucking knew it!”

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too real to deal

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selfie

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bukowski <3

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music to my years (a playlist)

Bonus CD: 

there ought to be a soundtrack for tiny lives such as the life of a mouse or the life of a manager

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thumb

iphone x

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hiding place

(i have a secret, i don’t know where to hide it. put it in a poem, they said, they’re never gonna find it. wrap it in thick, warm words such as “wool”, “syrup” and “caressingly”.  write in “bubble wrap”, “sun lotion” and “that shirley bassey song” to protect it. add some joys like “too much sugar”, “casiotones” and “jeans that fit”. build a wall (!), a couple of codes and your best friend’s will around it -  they’re never gonna get through to it - and just to be sure, write it in parentheses.)

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