summary: xaden hated feeling weak, hated feeling that he wasn't in control. and when his second signet—an inntinnsic ability—finally manifested, he felt anything but in control. of course, you are there for him as always.
warnings/tags: fem!reader, vulnerable xaden, panic (?) attack, established relationship, slightly suggestive
note: we know xaden can't exactly read complete thoughts using his signet, but lwk i do not care lmao. he's getting bombarded with them in my world. and if he focuses enough, he can see exactly what is going through someone's head.
The voices were so, so loud.
When Sgaeyl told him that she was bonded to his grandfather, and he would manifest another signet, he didn't think it would be an inntinnsic ability. Of course, he knew it would be something strong considering he was a direct descendant of her previous rider and how strong the she-dragon truly was. But not something which could get him executed if the leadership found out.
Thankfully, when his second signet manifested, he was alone in his room. The sudden onslaught of the loud voices in his head was nearly enough to make him scream out loud. To think he hadn't even properly learnt to control his shadows yet and here comes another headache, this time quite a literal one. He had been able to keep it down for a while, trying to put up his shields harder and ground himself to prevent the thoughts from entering his head.
Sgaeyl had told him that he couldn't tell anyone about it, that not only would he risk his life, but also everything else too. Which he readily agreed to; he had no plans to die this early and leave all the people he had sworn to protect behind or jeopardise the mission. However, he couldn't really shout at everyone to stop thinking whenever he entered a room. And no matter how much he tried to keep everyone out, he still wasn't strong enough to actually shield properly.
The sudden waves of hundreds of thoughts attacking him always left him shaken. It was becoming harder day by day to keep himself stable and act normal in front of the professors and the other cadets; especially his marked ones, especially you. How badly he just wanted everyone to shut up and stay away from him. The countless nights he spent in his room, locked away with tears streaming down his face and hands clutched around his head, haunted him. The fact that he had to hide it all from you was another ache in his chest.
You, who looked at him with pure adoration in your eyes.
You, who had kissed the scars on his back and made sure to be always there for him no matter what.
You, who worshipped him since the moment you both crossed the parapet and saw each other after three long years of separation.
So, yes, it pained him tremendously to push you away. It pained him to look at your expression of hurt every time he denied you entry into his room. It made him go crazier than he thought he already was. But because it was you, in the end he decided to come clean. To let you hold him as he clutched your riding leathers and forced his tears and pained gasps down.
Sgaeyl was angry without doubt, but she accepted it as well. For she was a part of Xaden as he was hers, and the amount of love he had for you was beyond comprehension. To think her little human was infatuated with another little human, as if they were hatchlings, was far too amusing for her. And watching her new rider feel safe and cherished in the arms of his mate was enough to dismiss her wrath.
You rushed across the rotunda, taking long steps as you pushed everyone who was in your way aside. Garrick had informed you just a few minutes ago how Xaden was acting weird and fidgeting at every little sound. You knew the signs well enough to take a run for it as soon as your best friend finished speaking.
It had been a few weeks since he manifested his second signet, and while he was much better at suppressing, it was still not enough. Every few days, he would get one of those episodes where every person's thoughts within a few meters of Xaden's range would simultaneously appear in his head. They weren't just murmurs like usual, something he was still getting used to. Instead, it was a crashing wave of every cadet's emotions and desires; the horrid feeling of constant death and panic.
You've spent enough days with your arms wrapped around him as he moaned and thrashed in pain, begging for someone to help him. Your boyfriend may be one of the strongest people you've ever met, but not even he could handle the amount of torture he was going through. Your heart broke every time he tried muffling his screams in your palm or your leathers. Not only because you felt his pain with every sob escaping him, but also because you were scared. Scared that someone would find it all out and reveal it to them. Scared because your other half was not only suffering but also was at risk of being executed any day. It was a complete miracle that the leadership and the professors hadn't figured out anything wrong with him.
You opened the door without knocking, for you knew Xaden's wards allowed you entry to his rooms at all times, just like yours did for him. He was sitting on the ground, his back leaning on his bed as he clutched his hair tightly. His chest heaved with every harsh breath he took, panicked gasps leaving his mouth at irregular intervals.
"Get out of my head," Xaden choked out, his voice raspy.
The shadows surged in this room as he repeated the words again and again, scattering and breaking things in his room. Rushing over to him, you hastily sat in front of him, pulling his fingers away from bruising his forehead.
"Shh… I'm here, Xaden, I'm here," you whispered slowly, taking him into your arms as his own wrapped around you.
He gripped you hard, fingers digging in through the leather you wore. Your hands rubbed his back gently, whispering soothing words into his ears, trying to distract him.
"Make it stop… please… I can't… It's—It's too much, too loud. Please… just make it stop…"
Tears gathered in your eyes as you felt his drop onto your skin. His arms shook as he tried to keep his mind from internally exploding. Shadows rippled at the corners of the walls in agitation, his first signet slipping free from all the pain and confusion. You didn't know what to do to help him. The only way which worked was to take him to the river, away from everyone in the quadrant. But you couldn't do it while he was experiencing an episode; it would be too risky, and neither of you could take that chance.
"Make him focus on you instead of everything. All these thoughts are tethered to his own brain, and he has to break those links and focus on a single one."
A sudden voice called out in your head, sharp but just as regal.
"Xaden, look at me," you said, making him tighten it further as he shook his head. "No, Xaden! Listen to me, please, my love."
“I can’t! The voices—I can't! It's too loud…"
"Xaden!" Your voice snapped loudly. "You want to shut the world out? Make it stop? Fine. We'll do that, but you have to focus on me first. Hear only me, nobody else."
You pressed your forehead against his, urging him to look at you as he took a deep breath in. His eyes were unfocused and wild, darting from one corner to another as a single tear continued flowing down. Gripping his cheeks in your palms, you forced him to look straight at you. The shadows lashed out harshly, but you ignored them; you knew they would never hurt you intentionally.
"You can do it," you mumbled against his lips, barely touching them. "Focus on just my thoughts. Can you do that for me? It'll help, I promise you."
You did not know if it would help, but anything to make him relax. Xaden stared at you before closing his eyes, inhaling deeply before he nodded.
"I can’t do it. It's too hard to separate them... everything is blurring together."
"Find my pulse," you whispered as you grabbed his hand to place it against your racing heart. "It's only us here, nobody else."
Slowly, his nose scrunched with effort as sweat ran down his face. You whispered praises along his face as it twisted into pained concentration. His one hand clutched your waist as if it were the only thing grounding him.
"You're doing so well, my love, just focus," you murmured, threading your fingers through his damp hair, tracing soothing circles against his scalp. The shadows slowly settled down around you, building a small cocoon of sorts to keep you both locked away from the outside world.
Suddenly, you felt a tingling sensation at the base of your skull, as if someone was prickling you there. Your eyes widened with realisation, your brain quickly switching to imagine the days which you both spent running and laughing together back in his home. A small smile broke out on Xaden's pretty lips as his fingers on your chest properly entangled with yours. You pulled them towards your mouth, gently kissing his knuckles with your own smile.
His breathing slowly evened out as he opened his eyes to look at you. The panic and shock were gone, replaced by exhaustion and a slight tremor in his body.
"Aretia…" his voice came out in a haze.
"Will be ours once again. She's going to stand just as beautiful as she was; this I promise you."
Xaden pulled you closer, face hiding in your collarbones as you felt his shoulders drop slightly.
"Did I hurt you?" he whispered, his thumb brushing the line of your jaw.
“You could never,” you smiled softly, pressing a kiss to his temple as he leaned his whole weight on you.
"I can still hear the other thoughts, but they're much more gentle now. How did you…?"
"You did?" He asked in his mind, finally feeling the thread of his dragon and their connection, stable and warm.
"You weren't listening to me, so of course I had to resort to other ways. Your mate was already there, so might as well."
"Do not lie to yourself or me, boy. I know you better than you know yourself. We both know just what exactly she means to you."
He didn't reply, instead pulling away from you and dropping both his hands down to your waist. Sgaeyl was right, after all. You were his whole world, and he was sure if it weren't for you, he would have been dead already. Without any hesitation, he shifted forward for his lips to rest against yours.
The kiss was slow and soft, removing all the tension from his shoulders and clearing his mind of all voices. Without any urgency, his hands moved from your waist to grab your hips gently, pulling you to sit on his lap as his fingers rubbed circles on the leather covering you.
It felt as if you were in heaven. The whole room faded away to only leave him and you alone. Gods, he was so, so good at this. As if reading your mind, which he was doing, he smirked against your lips, biting them teasingly. Before you could even force out how he was being unfair, his tongue brushed against your parted lips and forced its way in. Your fingers clenched his shirt, nails digging into his skin as you gasped and he pulled you closer onto his lap. His mouth slowly traced its path down your neck, leaving a trail of kisses in its wake. Once he reached the base of your neck, he bit there hard, sharp enough to leave a mark for everyone to see.
"Is this alright?" He mumbled against your skin. His fingers, which were rubbing slow circles along your hip bones, tightened once before relaxing and guiding your hips to move above him languidly.
'Gods, yes, it's perfect, Xaden. You're perfect…'
You thought you had answered him, but apparently not. His pupils dilated as he heard your sweet voice echo in his head. Oh, he was absolutely going to abuse his signet once he gained full control over it.
vaporwave
2087
theartofmadeline