My thoughts... on what I be thinking

[carmadipitious]

The Panic of Mid Thirties (2020)

I love my birthday, but I have a pattern of panicking before every birthday that is a change of decade (20, 30) or entry into the middle of that decade (24, 34). My panic into turning 30 felt warranted because it is a mythical time where “everything” is supposed to fit into place and yet I was unmarried and childless (+ dying). But I’ve been carefully crafting and quite enjoying my 30s and my life so though I expected the pattern, I doubted it for 34. 

And then?!?

Somewhere in the summer time, every day leading up to September it just hit like “DAMN I’M FINNA BE 35 SOON AND 100% DYING ALONE.” Never mind I’m turning 34… that’s an irrelevant point. Never mind that I have the best relationships with my friends and family than I ever have lol. That I’m gainfully employed, peaceful with my life, loving my new home. Anyway, back to dying alone and pre-applying to AARP. 

I’m unexpectedly single for this birthday because despite starting the year single, I had a plan, and when I have a plan, shit gets done. Every major milestone I’ve completed in life has been a flurry of furious planning and dashes of luck:

Graduating at the top of my classes in high school-college, graduating early in college, finishing my PhD in 5 years, paying off my car, traveling to all 50 states and the world, picking and decorating my house, etc. 

I plan for the things I know, and the Universe usually hooks ya girl up. So when I hopped on Hinge in March, my soft deadline was to have a boyfriend by my birthday (because presents, hello). Then Corona was like “LOLLLLLL” and though I have been meticulously methodical in my search for a partner, no dice. Like I’ve talked to madddd dudes and gone on a dozen dates, asked the hard questions up front. Y todavia, nada. Alone. Fea. Dying.

So 34 is hitting different because the fairytale of the youthful wedding, a hot and loyal husband, 2.2 kids, and picket fence by early 30s is completely broken. And at this age, I am now officially off the path that society and the patriarchy have carved for a woman. Admittedly, I do have a sense of grief about not getting to live that life. But there is also a sense of freedom that I can live the life I want.

On my Uber drive to the airport yesterday, the complimentary driver asked me my age and if I had any kids. I told him it was my 34th birthday weekend, said no. And when he asked why not, I told him I didn’t want any. He asked, “What if you meet the one and he wants kids?” And I said, “he won’t be the one if he wants kids. I don’t have to change who I am and what I want to be loved.” THIS IS GROWTH, YOU HEAR ME?

Phew, I’m not sure what this next chapter of 30s is gonna look like, but I will continue my path to self-understanding, love, and authenticity. And if the last few years are any indication, then I’m in for a crazy, fun, wild time. Let’s get it, trentona!

[carmadipitious]

HBD Papi

Happy birthday, dearest Papi

I wish you were still alive to watch me

To see all the things I've grown to achieve

To embrace me in your love, fatherly

Nevertheless,

I carry your spirit within my heart

Not even death could keep us apart

And though I miss you, I love you, and wish you were here

I hope that you know your life is always inspiring, forever near

[carmadipitious]

Only me

As a Latina, I don’t represent the peoples of the hispanohablante countries in Latin America.

As a Dominican, I don’t represent the peoples of my peninsula.

As a mixed woman, I don’t represent all the mixed peoples of the world.

As a black woman, I don’t represent all the black women or people of the world.

As a woman, I don’t represent all the women of the world.

As a Caro, I represent only.. myself. So please don’t expect for me to know all the tidbits that encompass Latinos, Dominicans, mixed and black peoples, and women, as if my belonging to those groups makes me their spokesperson.

[carmadipitious]

The Panic of Turning 30 (2016)

When I started writing this piece, it was filled with magical unicorns that pooped sprinkles and vomited rainbows. Though I initially panicked about turning 30 when I turned 29, I had since felt at peace and even excited about starting a new decade. I smiled and remembered when I cried the night before I turned 20 because I was “getting old.” I felt grateful that I didn’t feel that way with this decade coming around.

Then anxiety + life were like “HAHAHA. I’ma make you freak out— just wait.” When my birthday month of September came around, suddenly 30 seemed really ominous. I tried to rationalize how silly I was to focus on a number. I knew it was just a number, and that who I was on my last day of being 29 would hardly be different than who I was on my first day in my 30s. I certainly appreciated how fulfilling my 20s had been and how much I’ve grown through my trials and tribulations. After all, I was a 29-year-old unmarried woman with no children, a PhD, a great career, an adventure-filled life, and great friends and family.

Wait. I was an almost 30-year-old unmarried woman with no children…

BOOM! My biological clock was suddenly ticking louder than the fire alarm at 3 in the morning. And not only that, but the realization of death’s inevitability consumed me. Everything that I had ticked off as far as accomplishments, adventures, and travels seemed to no longer matter. All I could think about was that I was unmarried and had no children and that turning 30 meant I was closer to dying, and alone.

But WAITAMINUTE, let’s back up. The thing is, I don’t even want to get married and have kids— I mean, maybe I won’t feel that way forever, but right now? I’m good. And, yes, I realize 30 is still young. I am healthy and so are the people in my inner circle, but that didn’t stop my panic.

I was frustrated with myself for being so fickle and confused, but I couldn’t snap out of it. I’m an advocate of living the life you love and loving the life you live, but here I was lusting after others’ pathways. I ransacked all the decisions that had led me to this point (unmarried, childless, dying) and wondered if I would be one of those women who was so committed to being independent that she’d end up alone with 43 cats. Yeah… that rabbit hole was deeper than a black hole.

The thing is, the biological clock is real. Men can procreate and marry whenever, but for a woman the restrictions of her anatomy are such that time matters. Death is also real. Everyone is going to die eventually, and you will either be alive to see your loved ones pass, or your loved ones will be alive to see you pass. It was when I finally vented to my girlfriends and relatives that I realized that I wasn’t alone. All would come in due time and if it didn’t, such is life. I thought back to my sage mother’s words after one such episode: “You have to live your life within today, today. I’ve never met anyone that lived two days in one.” I felt better.

So today is my last day being 29. Tomorrow I will be 30. The dirty thirty. THIRTY. Nothing will have changed but everything always changes constantly. That is woven deeply into the very fabric of the universe itself. All year I’ve been citing, “I’m about to be 30, idgaf.” It has been my motto to motivate me to take greater risks, tolerate less BS, prioritize my time with worthwhile people, and embrace all that is me with my faults and all. Well, tomorrow I’m going to be 30, and idgaf. I still have a bunch of love to give and adventures to seek, so I’m now ready, really, to face this new decade. I’m about to make this decade pop off.

[carmadipitious]

Happy birthday, Drew

Mami always says you either grow old or die young. Lately I’ve been feeling my 31 years of growing sincerely: grey hairs, persistent hangovers, stubborn metabolism, body aches. But I’ve also lived a vibrant life even in my short years. Today is Drew’s birthday. I think about him often, steadily reminded by Facebook of the college memories we forged, and consistently with every mass shooting instance of a life taken too soon. My heart mourns for the life he’ll never get to grow old in.

[carmadipitious]

...

Your memories

Are wrapped around me

Like a warm blanket

On a cold and rainy day.

My feelings drop and splatter like the rain—

Leaving impressions and expressions of pain

It rains

And I’m cold

Longing to feel sunshine again.

[carmadipitious]

Love Nausea

Missing you is like

Feeling nauseous

And wanting to expel that which hurts you

But you can only dry heave

The pain of the nausea

Instead replaced

By the pain of holding you in

And not being able to let you go

The tears well up

As I wait for the wave to pass

Not knowing how long it’ll be

Until I feel normal again

[carmadipitious]

Morning

And here I am

Awake with the aftertaste

Of having lost you

[carmadipitious]

Day of Woe

You asked me how I was today

And I opened my mouth to smile

but a tear slid down my face instead

I took a deep breath to laugh

but a sob escaped

I closed my eyes to rest

But it had the opposite effect

I closed my mind to forget

But that hasn’t happened yet

So when you ask me how I’ve felt today

As my heart lies pummeled and tattered

I can show you this poem I’ve written

About how nothing seems to matter.

[carmadipitious]

The Store of Heartbreak

Hi, hello, I’d like help finding some things

I have a few items on my list I need to forget him

Like what aisle can I find an air freshener to mask his scent?

Is there a body wash you recommend to wash his touch from my skin?

Where can I find eye drops to forget his face?

Is there a body pillow I can use to replace his embrace?

What type of swabs do I need to clear my ears of his voice?

Do you carry sun glasses that will block his ghosts?

And what movies can I watch to replace the memories?

Where can I return the clothes I bought while thinking about his taste?

And do you happen to have a lozenge to help settle this lump in my throat?

I’d also like to return all the memories I’ve grown.

[carmadipitious]

A thousand tons of power propelling her ship forward. And a thousand tons of waves floating back.

[carmadipitious]

Another Day

I can feel it pulling away

Drifting, slowly, but still painfully

And there’s no reason, no impetus

Just life waves drifting our intentions apart

It used to be the fantasy that kept me up at night

But now it’s the dull ache that seeps into my dreams

It clashes with my deeply rooted insecurities

And makes me feel withering within

It’s a train with a destination that careens off the tracks

And it moves slowly but it won’t stop

It makes me wonder if we chose the wrong route

Or maybe we weren’t ever meant to board the same car

It might be nothing but I imagined it would be everything

My fantastical imagination definitely got the best of me

Is the magic that pulled you no longer having an effect?

And as I replay our crossed paths, I feel the beginnings of regret

It was destiny to run into you

But what happens next is in Chapter 2

I have the book in my hands

Not yet ready to turn the next page

Hoping our story doesn’t end

Hoping my regret is just unfounded

Hoping we stay entwined... for another day.

[carmadipitious]

Gaze

I first met your Gaze across the dinner table

And in it I found equal parts serious and playful

It was tantalizing, and it traveled deep into my blackest of eyes time over time

I was enraptured by the thoughts I suspected swirling through your mind

I tried to stare you down

But it just made my heart pound

And when I closed my eyes your gaze

Still held me suspended in place

The world whirred around us, getting blurry

As I swirled into your captivating gaze in a hurry

I shook my head and tried to snap out of your hipnosis

But even with my eyes closed, this endeavor was fruitless

I felt our energies vibrate when you kissed my lips

And I stared onto your Gaze as if there was something I might miss

At night when I try to fall asleep

Your Gaze steals into my psyche

And as my daydreams turn into REMs of you

I wonder how your Gaze followed me through

I cannot escape your Gaze

For my thoughts are stuck in your endless mental maze.

[carmadipitious]

I picked up a date on the streets

I’m writing about this because it’s too funny to forget and I don’t want to forget. I met a guy on the streets of Dallas and subsequently went on several dates with him. Years ago I started trying to conquer my stranger anxiety by– talking to strangers. I started off talking to first seat mates on airplanes then slowly progressed from there. Now, it’s my thing. When I go out with my friends, I almost always will broach a conversation with at least one person. 

This night a couple of weeks ago was no different. My girlfriends and I were out that night pre-celebrating one of their birthdays, and we had gone out with the intention of having a good time. We’re all 5′10, beautiful, and vivacious, so when the 3 of us are together, we’re bombshells. We had started the night by having a birthday shot and a few glasses of wine. After some mild flirtation with some forgettable people, we headed out to the next bar in Deep Ellum. The streets were crowded, so we were walking through the crowd in a single file line, holding hands. I was holding the fort in the back. 

As we were walking, I caught this tall handsome fella dumbfounded as he stared at us filing through. When he got to me, I pointed at him. “I see what you’re doing,” I said as I laughed at him. We stopped in the midst of my accusation and chatted. “What are you guys doing out?” He inquired. I explained we were celebrating my friend’s birthday, who was turning 31. “And how old are you?” He said. “31, I answered– and you?” He asked me to guess. But he was a handsome, black man, and black don’t crack, so I said as much. “I don’t know, guy, you’re black– you could be either 68 or 18– but I’ll go with 33.” I was dumbfounded when he told me 41 because he did not look at it at all. I then bombarded him with a series of questions (i.e., where do you live? are you married? and do you have kids?). After being somewhat satisfied with his responses, I noticed my girlfriends hadn’t slowed down. I was like, “hey listen, my friends are leaving– are you trying to get this number or not?” I think he was stunned haha. But he did ask me for my number and then we went our separate ways, me chasing after my friends to catch up. Nothing else transpired that night, but the next day, he followed up and asked to get together. And the next day we went on our first date, a blind date of sorts. To be continued… :). 

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

But I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.

Olivia Wilde  (via alunit)

[carmadipitious]

49th State Hangover

Eighteen months ago, I decided I would visit all 50 states before my 30th birthday. At the time, I was 28.5 years young and had visited 24 states. It seemed an impossible goal, but I twinkled at the possibility of accomplishing such a great feat. And even if I didn’t finish in time, the journey itself would be worth it. My work was cut out for me, so visiting all 50 states would mean getting creative about how and when I would plan my trips. It would mean optimizing my days across states and maximizing my time within states. It would mean carefully mapping smaller goals to make sure I stayed on track. But it would mean lots of adventures and easy conversations with locals about why I was in their state. For 18 months, I would have to dedicate myself to this goal wholeheartedly. I was up for the challenge. I finished visiting my 49th state a few weeks ago. It was one of the states I had least looked forward to (South Dakota), but it was one of my favorite destinations. That has been the wonderful theme of this journey. In every state I have discovered magic through its people, landscape, or food. I’ve driven and flown thousands of miles in dozens of rentals and airplanes, and I have been exposed to some of the most majestic things nature has to offer. Scenes that photography does not do justice, but that I will cherish forever. As my 50th state trip nears, I am filled with a mixture of joy, trepidation, and sadness. Joy because it’s hard to believe I’m actually going to finish in time. Trepidation and sadness because this journey that has filled my present with so much joy will soon become part of my past. As it comes to an end, I feel conflicted between picking the next adventure, yet mourning this great journey. People say that the journey is the destination, but I didn’t realize the destination would make me miss the journey so much before it even ended. My “visit all 50 states before 30” mission will be complete just 9 days before my 30th birthday, in Alaska. As of this writing, I am 29 years and 11.5 months old. The finish line is days away, and while I’ve had a blast drinking the juices of this adventure, I wish I had more drink to cure this journey hangover.

[carmadipitious]

Alternate Love Stories

This is a love story with alternate endings. The stories begin the same but end in 3 different ways, with 3 different ourcomes.

Intro: The Beginning

I walked the streets of life... alone And I didn't mind at all because I was, in love Utterly and completely with myself, by myself And that self acceptance felt like the greatest wealth Then one day I stumbled... upon you And I didn't know you at all or any of your views But once I met you I wondered how you'd ever been Missing from my life, because you fit perfectly in

You fondled... my mind And once we started the free exchange of thoughts I realized we were one of a kind Where your words ended and mine began, I couldn't really tell And it got to be that you'd invade my psyche even when I was by myself You saw... into the deepest abysses of my soul And even with my high walls you managed to perceive it all The harder I tried to buttress my fortress the more effort you put forth And as time progressed the guard I had crafted became warped

I'd gone from walking alone to skipping by your side From never having known you, to needing you to be mine From having built myself to be forever independent To sharing my life with you, that aloneness a distant remnant...

The Story of Your Soul Mate

... We frolicked the streets of life together... forever I had loved myself alone but with you I became better And everything that I had gone through alone prepared me to accept your love Our hearts and minds flexed together like a custom made glove.

The Story of Your Heartbreak

... We walked together... until we reached an unexpected intersection And instead of crossing together, our paths changed directions I watched your foot steps falter as you definitively walked away My heart twisting in pain while I remained in place Eventually I found my footing and crossed the streets of life... alone But I minded it all because your heart I had known And I felt utterly and completely... devastated Because I had known and then lost you, and now my pride in walking alone was abated.

The Story of Relationship Lessons Learned

We walked together... until we reached an unexpected intersection And instead of crossing together, our paths changed directions I watched your foot steps falter as you definitively walked away My heart twisting in pain while I remained in place I let my pain fly freely but delivered it to the greatest healer... of time And I minded it some but I knew I'd always be fine So that when enough time had passed and I saw you cross the streets of life I had all but forgotten what had once felt like an eternal strife And so I kept walking along, alone Your retreating figure now belonging to a person that I had simply just known.