Carmelized Critics

Live-tweeting and live-snarking all those terrible things you're wisely not watching. Now with 280 characters and HD Snarkery.

[carmelcritics]

Speed 2: Cruise Control

"This couple's relationship is sinking faster than the boat." --@carmelcritics

We're speeding our way towards SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL! Read the full ragetweeting!

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The Hurricane Heist

"So just to recap, here at the 45 min in, 1 hour remaining mark: We've had a hurricane, a hurricane, a heist, and now some rain that is probably from a hurricane.” --@carmelcritics

SEVERE WEATHER ALERT & also POSSIBLE CRIME ALERT! At least, I hope. Because if not, then I've been very misled by the title of THE HURRICANE HEIST. Read the full ragetweeting!

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The Net

“Not gonna lie, WTF is happening. All I know is that subnet is a thing and Sandra want to go on a damn vacation.”--@carmelcritics

*hacker voice* WE'RE IN >>TONIGHT WE ARE WATCHING >>~AND SNARKING~ >>SANDRA BULLOCK IN "THE NET" Read the full ragetweeting!

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Sky High

“This movie is the best kind of stupid. Stupid with a capital Disney "D".” --@carmelcritics

Never mind social distancing at just six feet... we're going MILES in the air tonight. We're watching SKY HIGH! Read the full ragetweeting!

[carmelcritics]

Love Never Dies

“As soon as I saw the GIANT ASS MIRROR in Christine's room I just knew the Phantom was going to come swanning through like HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.” --@carmelcritics

We're back from the dead to do Paint Never Dries! Er, I mean, LOVE NEVER DIES, the Phantom of the Opera sequel. Read the full ragetweeting!

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Clash of the Titans

“This is a remake, right? Like, there was an original that someone took a look at and thought was worth making again?” --@carmelcritics

It's the oldest of conflicts... gods versus monsters versus savagely skeptical critics. We're watching the 2010 CLASH OF THE TITANS! Read the full ragetweeting!

(DNF for misuse of Greek mythology, misuse of CGI, and misuse of Mads Mikkelsen)

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A Talking Cat!?!

“’I can only speak to you once, it's the rules.’ Oh there's RULES in this movie now?!” --@carmelcritics

Apparently shitty-looking talking cats are the in thing again, so... here we go with 2013's "A TALKING CAT!?!" Read the full ragetweeting!

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The Meg

“THAT IS NOT HOW THE OCEAN WORKS. OR SCIENCE, FOR THAT MATTER. ” --@carmelcritics

Being afraid to go in the water because of a shark named Bruce is so last-century. We're afraid to go in the water because of a shark named Meg! ...or so I'd assume? That's right, tonight we're ragewatching THE MEG! Read the full ragetweeting!

[carmelcritics]

Beauty and the Beast (live action remake)

“Why can't we just get a normal bromance about Obi-Wan Kenobi and Gandalf bumming around France in disguise? ” --@carmelcritics

Once upon a time a middle-aged director lived in a shining castle. Though he had everything his heart desired, he was pompous, melodramatic, and self-centered. Branaugh got this awful live-action gravy train rolling with Cinderella. Can't wait til that last petal falls. 

(In case it's not clear, here's Beauty and the Beast.) Read the full ragetweeting!

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Skyscraper

“Well that seems improbable.”

“What about this movie seems probable?”

 --@carmelcritics

A man trapped in a skyscraper. Villains taking over the building. Helicopters and guns. Dangerous leaps. Trying to save the woman you love.

What? No, of course we're not watching Die Hard. It's time for SKYSCRAPER with Dwayne the Rock Johnson!

Read the full ragetweeting!

[carmelcritics]

Murder on the Orient Express

“So it's Murder on the Orient SSS? I was promised a train! Where's the train, bitches?!?” --@carmelcritics

Murder. Mayhem. MUSTACHES. Tonight we're watching the 2017 MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS! Read the full ragetweeting!

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The Adventures of Pinocchio

“Jim Henson was very dead by the time this movie came out. Lucky him.” --@carmelcritics

What happens when you combine Jim Henson, Queen, the 90s, and batshit Italian children's folktales about uncanny valley puppets? You get the 1996 ADVENTURES OF PINOCCHIO! Read the full ragetweeting!

*DNF because it was somehow not weird enough to escape being boring

[carmelcritics]

The Covenant

“How could you possibly have figured out the twist so quickly? Are you saying this plot is... predictable?” --@carmelcritics

Today, KK (baby sister to CK) is twitting alone, to the sounds of The Covenant!  I am joined by roomies KM and RD, and my paramour JG. Read the full ragetweeting!

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NBC’s Jesus Christ Superstar Live

“Awfully cheery for a group that just crucified a guy.” --@carmelcritics

It's over a week since Zombie Jesus Day, but we're rising from the dead to do this anyway! It's time to do NBC'S JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR LIVE! Read the full ragetweeting!

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Elektra

"Pros: mid-2000s fight scenes. Cons: no mid-2000s Evanescence soundtrack.” --@carmelcritics

IT'S ELECTRIC! Tonight, CK bravely tackles 2005's Elektra all by herself...may the cheesy, intense early 2000s superhero force be with her. Read the full ragetweeting!

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Wild Wild West

“What's the best way to open a western film? Late 90s hot tub scene!” --@carmelcritics

WE'RE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!! The Carmel Critics ride again! It's wilder than ever! Some of us are further west than ever! Tonight it's THE WILD WILD WEST! Read the full ragetweeting!

[carmelcritics]

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

“I thought their romance was more subtle. Wait, who am I kidding. Nothing about this movie is subtle.” --@carmelcritics

It's our last ragetweeting for a while, so this league of extraordinary ladies is geared up to ragetweet LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN! Read the full ragetweeting!