GOD ALL SHE wanted was to feel him again, any part of him. his lips, his hands, his fucking nose against her own. no matter how selfish it was, no matter how much disaster could come from it, she just wanted to let the world disappear around them and feel what it was like to actually feel loved, to feel like she was wanted. even though he pushed her away, especially after she managed to tell him she was in love with him, to this day there was a part of tessa that always believed that it was holden, it would always be holden. even if he didn’t feel the same about her, she would manage to ruin every other of her relationships when putting them into comparison to holden. he was that one person - her one first love, that managed to break her to no limits but also the one that put a huge hold on her heart.
ready to feel the warmth of his hand once again, she was only disappointed when it didn’t come her way, only hovering over her hip like a slight tease. tears - oh god she wanted to cry so bad but she held them back ( which she managed to get very well at while dating ryan ), and stood in her place silently. he stumbled on his words, and if it was another lifetime, she would giggle and nudge him for being nervous but now, she wasn’t quite sure how to take the stumbling, was he doing it because he was nervous or furious at her? she didn’t now the difference between the two anymore, not even with herself.
‘ don’t, ’ she whispered quietly before shutting up, almost too tired to talk at this rate. she had told ryan she wouldn’t be long, and from the long silences that were surrounding the pair in the bathroom, she could only imagine how ryan was acting downstairs - either slaughtering her name in a rage fit and making her seem like a bad girlfriend, or he simply didn’t even notice she was gone and was either stuffing his tongue down another womans throat or had his nose stuffed deep in a pile of cocaine. either way, she would end up blaming herself for the situation - if he cheated, it was her fault for letting him drink so much and getting out of hand. if he got too aggressive while he was on drugs, it was her fault for bringing him to the party and letting him borrow money. it was always her fault.
the only thing that was keeping her sane was being able to go back to her dorm at the end of the night, slip into one of holdens shirts she managed to hide while giving things back, and close her eyes and hope that she wouldn’t forget the way holden smelled, or the way he would hold her at night like she was fragile, like he would break her. how he was respective of her choice to be a virgin until she was ready ( ryan throwing fights almost every night because of the lack of intimacy ), the way he’d whisper goodnight in her ear. and as she stood there, she missed it even more. the feeling of his hand right beside hers, the warmth radiating off the small pinkie that was just a mere millimeter away from her own.
the words stung. of course she deserved better, anyone saw that. hell she should’ve saw that. but she was still bitter - bitter that she could’ve had him. she could’ve been able to be happy, to be intimate through trust and emotion and able to call him to tell him about her day and him be interested.
‘ i had a good guy, ’ she muttered, the hurt and bitterness clear behind her voice. ‘ but apparently i wasn’t good enough for him. ’ just like a slap in the face, she hoped he felt it. hoped he regretted leaving her. slowly looking up at him with teary eyes as evidence of her sadness. ‘ you were all i wanted holden. the good, the bad. i didn’t care – but you left. the moment i told you the truth, that i fucking loved you, you left. and i’m an idiot to think that you’re going to take it back. but i still do. i still wait every night, at least until three in the morning with my phone in my hand, watching you be online on social media but never managing to message me, and in my head i just think oh it’s okay, he’s busy. maybe tomorrow. and it’s the same every day. but it was you – it’s always fucking you and you don’t get to stand here and tell me what i deserve when i knew what i wanted, when i knew what i deserved and you pushed me out. ’
word vomit. it was all she had. pressing her lips together, she forced herself to take her hand away from where it was, her heart shattering all over again like the night at the park. ‘ you had someone who loved you — hell you have someone who loves you. but you’re too busy playing self pity to actually let me be the one to show you that you’re worth it. and as much as i love telling you how broken i am, how much i miss you and how much i fucking wish it was you down there to hold me close instead of ryan — i have ryan. and if i don’t get back, i’m either going to find him dry humping some blonde snob downstairs or he’s going to ransacking the place trying to find me and i’m not going to hear the end of it for weeks. i hope your hand heals fine and make sure to clean it daily, ’ she muttered, wiping away at some tears before turning towards the door.
“ –––– –– No, Tessa, don’t. ”
The panic sets in as her frame turns away from him, her words carving themselves into his chest, feeling like salt was being rubbed in the wounds. This was selfish, God, it was more than selfish, but the part of him that contained the remnants of his self-control melted away the more he tried to distract himself from the situation at hand. Could he keep denying her of this? Of something they both blatantly wanted so badly? He thought he was helping, every choice he’d ever made he’d made after convincing himself he was helping someone somewhere, but who was he helping now? Ryan? Even the thought made his skin crawl.
His hand reached out for hers, fingers refusing to grip hold of her flesh and instead grazing her wrist to let her know he wanted her to stay. Even if, at the end of this night, they parted again as strangers and were condemned to live with the pain he needed this second. He had to explain why he’d done what he did, even if it meant her leaving his life for good, even if it meant she was to view him as scum for the rest of their lives.
“ You can’t believe that. You can’t, alright? You were good, you were too good, and I didn’t deserve that; it’s not self-pity it’s the truth, because I did things... Was involved in things that you never knew about. Never mentioned. I kept an entire side of my life from you because ––– –– God, because I was scared, Tessa! ” He lets out an exasperated sigh, trying to not let her speak before he finishes because he knows she’ll just tell him he felt the same, “ –– – and not just because of US, not because of the way I LOVE you so much that sometimes I can hardly breathe when I look at you; it’s because of the risks that come with that love, alright? ”
He lowers his voice, aware he’s doing the rare thing he often does around her ––– – letting his emotions get the better of him. “ If you would’ve been hurt or, fucking hell, killed, I’d never be able to live with myself. I need you to know, I need you to understand, that as much as it fucking killed me to let you go... I couldn’t––– I couldn’t risk it. ” Memories flooded back of him, waking in the middle of the night to check she was still there; hoping that the most recent person he’d double-crossed in his youth hadn’t come back to haunt him, hadn’t come back to hurt the one thing in his life was that vulnerable. His parents? His family? They were safe, safe behind security systems and secret, steel doors but Tessa was only human, a human trying to grieve the loss of her brother. People in mourning, as much as he hated to admit it, were not safe. Not when the person she was grieving was involved in just as much shit as he was.
“ Go downstairs, and when you do? You should end it with him. I know how you feel and, you know, maybe this? This is karma for everything I’ve done, but you shouldn’t have to deal with that too. You should move on, find a guy that can at least keep you safe but just... Don’t go back to HIM, Tessa. Please. ”
