cartfm:
he could sense the change of heart in her voice and her eyes, with the way she’s looking at all the artifacts left from their relationship. he knows she misses it, as he does, by the way she presents herself in the office. it was honestly so difficult to see, for he had tried so hard to coexist with all these hints and signs of her in his office without breaking down every time he read a note on the wall. he had tried so hard to become indifferent about it, but in the end, he knew that was impossible. so seeing her, in person, in the space was honestly very difficult for him. but he maintained a façade, for her and her only.
“yeah, i did,” his answers are short, but are in no way curt. the short replies are, in a way, a sign of defeat, for he’s lost the battle between him and his emotions. but once again, this was no competition to begin with. his emotions, especially towards her, always win. he slowly heads towards the desk and stands over it, his back to her. his eyes wander, searching for answers, searching for something that even he was unsure of. he takes the ashtray and dumps its contents into the trash bin, before placing it back into place with a heavy sigh. “i just didn’t want you to see that, that’s why i apologized,” he speaks rather calmly, his back still facing her. little did she know, however, he was doing his best to swallow the tears that were inching closer to the edge.
the moment he hears her words again, the lump in his throat becomes unbearable to hold back as he clears his throat as a cover up. he bites down on his bottom lip to stop it from quivering so much, but to little avail. this is the conversation they really needed to have and one that he’s been wanting to have, but why was it so difficult for him to talk about it, now that they were right here? “i-i don’t know, car,” he leans downward so that his palms rest on the desk to support himself, as his head hangs beneath his shoulders. “i don’t know,” is all he seems to say, for he really didn’t know what to do. “i can’t lose you, but at the same time, i know this is going to happen again. and if it was nearly a year this time, who knows how long it’ll be the next time? or the next?” swallowing the tears, he slowly turns around to face her, as he resists the urge to just walk up to her and pull her into a tight embrace. “i just love you so much that i don’t think it’s good for us,” he adds, glancing at her once before looking down at the floor beneath her shoes.
she slides up onto his desk, feeling awkward just standing there in the middle of the office. the view from here is familiar, one she’d grown used to in their months together. it didn’t matter that he’d spent so much on a couch, gone through all the trouble of getting it in the office, she’d always wanted to be close to him. she’d sit up there and watch him take phone calls, press random buttons on his keyboard while he was trying to work, slide into his lap and take over writing the emails or adjusting the payroll when she got bored. but those things felt like they’d happened so long ago, to two different people, surely not the broken ones that were left behind.
she can feel tears in her own eyes as she sees his shoulders begin to shake, wanting to do anything she can to make it better. she wants to tell him that they’ll figure it out, that nothing could possibly permanently come between the two of them. they’ll do better, they’ll go to therapy, lina will take less shifts at work, she’ll quit her job and work in the shop, they’ll road trip every other saturday. anything to stop the shaking in his shoulders, the tears in his voice. but none of that is real, none of that will work, and she knows it.
“i’m seeing someone,” the words spill out before she can stop them, but she knows its for the best. it’ll hurt him, yes, but it will also let him move on. and in the long run, being as far away from her as possible is the way for him to be happy. to find someone who won’t storm out of his apartment and never call again, someone who can reach out and hug him when he’s crying three feet away. “its recent, but, i like him. and i don’t want to screw it up,” she slides off the desk, eyes scanning his face, “you’re right. we can’t keep hurting each other over and over again. so i think it’d be better if we just stayed away from one another.”
