More than words. @cassyacee - Tumblr Blog

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Today, I felt the growing anger and madness inside me. I cried in my car and talked to myself about how I really felt. I cried and thought that it was all I needed to be okay - to just let it out. . I was wrong. After a few hours, I found myself even more upset and sad than I was earlier. I was angry at the world and what’s happening. I was angry at the people around. I was angry at him. But most of all, I was mad at myself for letting this happen to me. . I have been going insane, but I isolated myself to avoid hurting anyone. Thankfully, this verse assured me that I did that right thing; that I’m on the right track. I’m not perfect and I’m not righteous as God wants me to be. I am still mad even as I go to sleep tonight. But this verse doesn’t go to waste. One day, I’ll sleep without this anger. . PS. Tomorrow starts day 1 of #ru5ac. I hope it turns out well ✨ https://www.instagram.com/p/CA2roEqF3oM3zdPHQAsMZ0Mh5smwPK3JGlBgUM0/?igshid=ei1vpo9iixw7

#ru5ac

Today, I involved myself in a program that will hopefully help me change my perspective in life. My body was really excited that it woke up too early. . At one part of the program, it asked me how I felt when I woke up this morning. Then I realized that I was excited, but at the same time, sad. Knowing that he didn’t message me made me sad. . And it hit me. I do the things that make me sad. If I didn’t expect or check for it, I might have just stayed curious and not sad. . After that session, I was still energized to keep moving and commit to what I started. I thought that it’s time to stop burning bridges by being an ass. I ate breakfast, played a game, finished 4/8 interims, worked out, took a bath, played again, watched an online tutorial, drew Poppy and Marina, drank vitamins and milk, and finished two chapters of Ugly Love. . For Day 1, I can actually say that I was productive. My drawing didn’t turn out how I imagined it; I wasn’t able to exhaust my tasks in the game, but I know that compared to the past days, my body felt more self-loved today. My mind still wanders around and the meditation didn’t quite help, but the good thing is we’re making progress. . With today’s verse, I have been reassured that what I’ve been thinking the whole day is just right. That while all these is too hard to let go, too painful to conquer, and too exhausting... we just trust God and pray. We work on ourselves and pray. Even if it’s hard to keep the sanity altogether, we pray. https://www.instagram.com/p/CA4va-rlGLNezrRCDUBFGn8er_sQ7XEYWgfTPM0/?igshid=hg2zpn52zml6

Today, I woke up sad. It was hard to accomplish whatever was needed and I felt like my head is just all over the place. . I tried to distract myself and still did what I know I had to. I’ve accomplished the three things I had to do. I’ve also cleaned up my old blog. I worked on anything and everything even though the thought of you consumed me. . I wanted to be heard. I need comfort. I need someone to acknowledge that I gave all that I could. I want a chance to prove that I can be better, that we can be better. I want to feel loved and appreciated. But there was no one to talk to about this. . I let worship songs consume my head, but am I unworthy of Your love if I tell you it didn’t heal me? ... I guess You’re telling me, “not yet.” . Lord, I lift myself to You. Heal me and make me feel loved and appreciated. Make me understand Your plans for me. Bring me to wherever I should be, wherever You want me to be. But Lord, You know my heart. You know that even if I want him back, I want the best for me 🥺 If You want me here, I pray that You heal them and change them. Help me fight this battle. . But if this is not where You want me to be, then please 🙏🏻 please bring me to SG or NZ or AU or anywhere that’s not in the Philippines. Please let me start over. Please give me a chance to live life to the fullest again, without memories of pain and regrets 🥺 https://www.instagram.com/p/CA7Uow5FQy7syVehvFTdDTGylNHa0soGJCOnHA0/?igshid=1ssacrg2fny67

Yesterday, I woke up late for work. When that happened, I didn’t notice the sad feeling at once, but it grew on me while working. I messaged you again and told you how I felt. I cried again. It was a rollercoaster ride of emotions. . It was a good thing though that there are friends who would accompany me everyday. They keep me sane even for just a short while. . I’m trying to remember everything I felt but I can’t. All I know is I’m having fun reading books again and if we don’t work out together, I hope the next one is a bookworm ✨ . Thank You Lord for the daily reminder that what You gave me and what You have for me is above fear and lies ❤️ https://www.instagram.com/p/CBA7WApFgxVnXPBJhIu-lt5u_nC7Oz-VgXy-ss0/?igshid=1qdpqd640qd9z

Yesterday, the RU5AC session told us to stay away from social media until a certain time. It happened during the last three hours of my shift. I was surprised to see that you care. You called to check up on me and you’ve sent me messages quite more than how u were the past days - but not really the same with how you showed your concern before. . After that, I spent most of the time reading a book. The power outage forced me to do so. I couldn’t sleep even if I was damn sleepy. It was too hot. . This time, you stayed with me until you can. It was something new compared to what you did the last time it happened, but it was still nowhere near compared to how you treated me before. . Ugly Love, the book, resembles so much of our current situation. I even see my future in it. And it hurts me to feel that way, to see the truth and to finally realize that I need to get out of this asap. I sleep believing that I can do it even though I didn’t know how. . Or maybe I knew how and I just didn’t want to. God tells us that if we accept Him as Lord and Savior, then we will have a new life. I understand this spiritually, but it’s been difficult to believe that way for the past years. . I honestly regret that for almost a decade, I’ve been just repeating the same mistakes. I even ask myself now if it’s still worth living this life. . I want to start over but I don’t know how. The only way I know is to get out of this country, to leave the place full of regrets and mistakes, to leave the pain and the memories. But is it the right thing? Is it the best thing? Is it what You want for me? Will You let me do that? https://www.instagram.com/p/CBC9_IUF2o-remRhQ67W3_4Hv4Xn_U32dUCe3o0/?igshid=u5l39tbrqyms

Today is a free day. I say that because I’m forced not to go to work due to the power outage and intense migraine. Aside from that, I started my day with the online class and it made the morning beautiful. Truly, it’s a lot different when you surround yourself with like-minded people. . That thought has always lingered on me and I’ve been wondering: why am I holding on? Maybe I just didn’t want to be the bad person or maybe I just didn’t want to tell people it didn’t work out or maybe I had too much pride to let the enemies know that they’ve had it their way. In any case, we all know this should not be one-sided. . I was able to work on all my tasks today and I really felt that drawing isn’t my thing. My hand just doesn’t go with it so tomorrow, I’ll try starting on digital art instead. . I’ve also finished Ugly Love today and it made me cry. It was so painful and relatable and it made me scared because I know that Miles is me after ending this with Vincent. I’ll never choose to love again because it’s painful. I would not have the courage to face a beautiful love because the ugly love is just too much to handle. I know it’s just all in my head and that it can change if I meet someone, but it still scares me. I’m scared of being alone :( and that realization hit me. . God, You know my weaknesses. You know my sins. You know my heart desires good despite those actions. God, I know You forgive me but I pray for peace and happiness. I look back at my old posts and pictures, and I realized that I’ve been carrying this weight for years. Lord God, I pray that You heal me. Bring me to the place that You want me to be. Help me find purpose and happiness. Help me live the life I deserve. Please do not abandon me :( https://www.instagram.com/p/CBC_QhIlP_uMrKeOkifXqjmxJuCgQL9ch7zfRU0/?igshid=9mf0z54rhqs6

I am grateful for friends who go the extra mile to be with me — to Raffy, for driving to deliver food, have his car washed in my town, and talk for hours just sitting in the car while watching the trees. It made me appreciate life today. . I am grateful for friends who know how to say sorry after being honest to them — to Luigi, for being my confidant throughout my stay in NetSuite. You’ve always had my back. You’ve always made me feel that I can talk to you and though you don’t say much, the words you say still make an impact. . I am grateful for the people I met who love You more than I do. I am grateful for their knowledge and insights, and the program as the medium to share it with me. You overflow me with knowledge. Through them, I realized that I’ve been on the right track after reading that invitation for Coach E. It is tough to fight this mental battle, but I know You do everything for a purpose. Every day that I learn something new, You remind me that You will never forsake me. . Though my heart is still heavy with the thoughts that bother me, I thank You because You surround me with love. You show me my purpose when I don’t feel it. You make me feel alive. Though I fear, You make me feel I shouldn’t because You are there for and with me. https://www.instagram.com/p/CBF-qtsl96fEWlYqUHCPoNYVfTQOXf6-mWKFBY0/?igshid=1gfpj73yxhsff

I felt really tired yesterday and I wanted to write about things but I couldn’t find the energy anymore. . It’s actually funny because I slept early the other day. The. I slept in the afternoon after I went shopping, and yet I still felt sleepy so early. You see, it was a productive day and I actually had some new activities done. It was rest day for RU5AC and I didn’t have any commitment for the day. There was seller of veggies outside so grocery in the mall didn’t take me that long. I also drove a little bit farther because I had to get my vitamins. And after my nap, I went for a drive again to find some sunshade. After going home, I went back to the mall to eventually find one there. . I watched series, I played games. In the end, I was just physically tired. But not happy. It’s actually hard going through RU5AC because I felt like I needed to be happy there. And I am right every moment. But after that, I’m just as lost. I just try to accomplish what I committed to but I’m really just lost. . I know that there are feelings inside me that wanted to get out, but I don’t let them. I’m afraid of how I broken I can be. I’m afraid to realize how messed up I am, and still have no hope of how to survive from it. . Then here’s God, telling me I’m the light of the world. A part of me knows that but why have I been like this for years? Can’t I start over? https://www.instagram.com/p/CBKyE5_FeN67ti5Mtfu70Z7B7SvGnLDNTd4K600/?igshid=13mnqzq92xvr3

I just wanted you to know guys that today, I decided to face one of my fears ☺️ When I reflected on my 25th year of existence, I knew that the next one should be better. I really didn’t had a plan of doing that today, but I really needed peace. So I took a leap of faith and did it anyway. I had my expectations set at the worst. I was really anxious because I even had the feeling that I might be underestimating the “worst” and that I might be ruining my own special day. But God, He really never fails. I wouldn’t say that there are no more fears on anxiousness, but today has been a lot better compared to the previous days. Then as I reflected on today’s daily verse, I’ve been reminded that in whatever we do, if we put God in the center of it, our efforts will be rewarded. This is the daily verse from the app today. I recommend that you read the AMP and TPT versions ☺️ To conclude, I did something really out of faith. All I had when I faced that fear was that whatever the outcome is, God will always be there for me. And He never failed. So if you’re asking yourself, how can you be the best version of yourself? I think we have the answer 🙏🏻😊 https://www.instagram.com/p/CBPwQGGl8VQtU3R2DncJvVVe0G6xDdxGrgMXOU0/?igshid=10rradkmo6tzi

I didn’t write on purpose last Monday because I felt that I had little to nothing to write. I told myself that I was gonna reflect on my 25th year, and I surely did. But I wasn’t really at the right state of mind to conclude anything. I tried to calm down, but I guess I just felt more burdened if I stayed awake longer. . While I was awake, I just thought of the endless what if’s and I know that it was just not a day I could conclude something of. Even this verse was hard for me to understand and relate to. https://www.instagram.com/p/CBPwFJMF293XexfFVRxJtk-CNBgujnpk8r5F-E0/?igshid=1mpyiszguulqw

Compared to the other days, I woke up better today. I was still sleepy, but things were better. I won’t deny it that fear surrounds me as if pain is just around the corner, waiting to stump on me as soon as I get up from misery. It’s frightening to wait for pain to come along. . But I went through with my day and avoided rash emotional decisions except when we bought the dining set ☹️ I was just upset that my opinion didn’t matter when I wanted to buy it for my own comfort, too. I was pitching in and yet, it felt like I had no control over it. It was upsetting ☹️ . But God, thank You for reminding me that even when I didn’t show a better version of myself, you remind me that love covers sin. That I can still make it up to them if they see that I love them so much. For sure sin is not excusable, but love is better than sorry. . Aside from that, today’s RU5AC session is really an eye opener to me. It reminded me that it matters who you listen to. https://www.instagram.com/p/CBPx7lIlF7CRj3XuvnjZvqnVsk52_5Q2cc-r5Y0/?igshid=14klu068csut

perrfectly

There’s so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful, I promise.

Emery Allen (via perrfectly)

#drama

aceewanders

the thoughts i wanna keep

first night

I’m so tired of feeling this. My heart could explode right now. I’m not gonna say anything else because i don’t want to hurt you again. I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to be the bad person.

At moments like this, I miss you Migs. I miss you for telling me I’m the most selfless person you’ve ever known. I miss you because you know me so well. You know me in every way. I’ve taken you for granted. So much. But you still loved me anyway.

If you knew what’s been happening to me for the past year, you’d tell me karma’s a bitch. If we were still normal, you’ll be saddest person in the world.

But everything’s changed. Your heart’s a stone now when it comes to me. You’re indifferent towards me. It’s been more than years I couldn’t even count, yet I still can’t move on from the friendship you and I broke. Mostly, it’s my fault. But you risked it too. You gave up first…

And all that’s happened to us is happening again. But now, I’m in your shoes… I’m feeling how you felt all along. And now I realize how selfless you were. Although I know you’ve taken me for granted at some point, I knew that was unintentional. I know the good intentions that you have but I still chose to look at the opposite side.

If you’re gonna ask me, do I regret it?

Yes. Since Day 1, I did.

Even if I have to trade everything now…

Even if the world gets upset…

Even if you have to take away everything right now…

I’d still want you to come back…

To become the bestfriend I’ve never had again…

To never let “the one who got away” happen again…

But that’s not possible now is it? Even everything and everyone goes away, you’ll never come back to me.

#drama

aceewanders

{bucketlist} : kalibo

First Night in Kalibo

Upon arrival in Venus’ place, she told me that we were to go out and party right at once. I was in shock as I expected that this would just be a stopover for me before heading to Boracay. It wasn’t in my plan to go out tonight. Nevertheless, I still went them.

Venus’ place was huge. They have a nice house and I was told to stay in her sister’s room, which was nice and big enough for me. I met two of her friends, Sharee and Karl. They told me to put on shoes instead of wedge and slippers, but I didn’t bring any with me so Venus had no choice but to lend me her old ones.

We went to a place called Magsaysay Park. It’s not really a park but more like an open sports complex. It was already past 10:30 in the evening so I couldn’t take any decent shot of the place. There were A LOT of people and I met a lot of friends too: some names I couldn’t remember; some would be mentioned on the next few blogs.

It was quite fun and cheap too - we paid PHP 75 ($1.5) only for the entrance fee and a few coins for the fare. It was like a street party, only we were just standing in our places. There were bands, singers, and DJs too. People were drinking here and there; I also had a can of flavored beer. Surprisingly, foreigners also joined the festival.

One of the main highlights was the fireworks’ display, which I’d say was very beautiful. It felt like Kalibo had a welcoming party for me :)

It also rained a bit and although others may not like it, I actually think that it made the festival more lively. It was muddy everywhere but somehow, I always felt comfort whenever I’m under the rain.

Aside from some party aftermath of the people I was with, there was nothing more remarkable than the party itself that night. I’m not sure about the time but Kaloy drove us home just before dawn.

#aceetravels

aceewanders

why you think it’s unfair

One of the things that bother me right now is my importance to some people. I think it has become a habit and it has been part of my character to continuously look for my value in other people’s lives. This shouldn’t be an issue because I think, this is just normal. Everyone lives for a purpose.

But often times, we don’t feel the value that we think we deserve.

We always feel that life is unfair.

We always think that people always disappoint us.

We always think that we’ve given so much that what we receive is not we deserve.

And that last line up there is the problem.

The problem is not how other people treat you, not how the world values you. The problem is you feel like you’re investing so much time and effort; yet, you just don’t get the same treatment.

The solution?

Love yourself first. Learn to keep some things for yourself. Learn to be good and nice to other people but don’t forget to be good to yourself. That’s how you’ll find happiness even without so much love and appreciation from other people.

#drama

aceewanders

{bucketlist} : fly solo | {bucketlist} : fly local

The First Friend: Jack

When we settled, we both had our earphones on. I assumed he didn’t want to talk so I just kept a straight face. After a while, the guy beside us asked the flight attendant if he and his girlfriend, who was seated on the opposite aisle, could transfer at the back since no one occupied the seats. And there you go, Jack and I were left alone.

The Guy Talks!

When the FAs had to do their “dancing routine” - this is how my friends and I termed this, please don’t get offended - one FA approached her to remove his earphones. I expected him to put it back on after the instructions but to my surprise, he didn’t. He talked to me… HE. TALKED. TO. ME.

The moment he asked the guy earlier for his seat, I knew he wasn’t comfortable in speaking English. I’ll have to admit that it was hard for the first few minutes to understand him. I had to adjust my vocabulary and my speed for us to understand each other.

After a while, since it was my first flight after all, I asked him if could take a picture. The most memorable part is when he said, “You’re my first friend in the Philippines. Nice to meet you.” *shake hands*

So who is he?

After a few conversations, I got to know a few information about him:

Origin: Beijing, China

Chinese name: Ren Zing Xe

English name: Jack

Age: 22 years old

University student

Traveling to Boracay alone for 10 days

Staying in Manila for 2 days after Boracay

Doesn’t have FB/Twitter or any intl social app

Likes to travel alone; has been to the US

Likes to ride motorbikes A LOT

Thinks Manila air is SO GOOD!

I think I missed out a few details, afraid that I might mix them up with what I’ve learned a few days after this - yes, there’s more to this so wait for it ;)

Landing

After a few more conversations before we were told that the plane was about to land, he told me that he was awake since 4AM because of his flight. He stopped talking as the plane was already making some noise so I let him be and after a short while, he fell half-asleep. He woke up just in time when the plane landed. That’s when he asked me to dial my number using his phone since he doesn’t know the number of the SIM he bought in the airport - and oh, he lost his Chinese SIM card too - and I don’t have WeChat, which is the only social app he has since it’s the only thing allowed in China. Poor guy.

As I got up and tried to get my things from the deck, he saw me having a hard time so he offered help, which made me so embarrassed because he was so tall and I was so small :(

Anyway, we landed safely and he also offered help to carry my baggage going down but I declined politely.

Since Venus was not yet there to pick me up, I accompanied him as he got his check-in baggage and looked for directions towards the van of Southwest crew tour. After a few minutes, we said our goodbyes and parted ways :)

THERE’S MORE!

When Venus finally picked me up, I told her about the story. Surprisingly, Jack texted me minutes after telling me he’s in the “bus” already, asking me where I was, and asking me what his number is. He also asked where to rent motorcycles (added that info up there).

BONUS: Kalibo International Airport and the people

Since I arrived at almost 10PM and it rained at the same time, there was nothing much I could see in the airport. All I know is it’s much clearer and organized than NAIA. You go thru the entrance door and you’ll see the exit door right away. As I was waiting for Venus, a local talked to me as if she’s welcoming me to her hometown. I find that very welcoming :)

THAT’S IT FOR MY FIRST NIGHT OF #flyingsolo!

I know, it was a long one. It’s actually surprising that I still remember everything. But this is not the last entry. I have to create another entry for more events that happened in Kalibo, Caticlan, Boracy, and of course, my interaction with Jack + flight back and more of the aftermath :)

first night in kalibo →

cassyacee

dumping my old stuff here because we need to clean up.

#aceetravels

aceewanders

{buckelist} : fly solo | {bucketlist} : fly local

One of the things in my bucketlist this year was to experience #flyingsolo. I’ve been to other countries twice but I’ve always been with someone. I’ve also never been anywhere farther than Naga and Subic so for the first time in my life, I’ve done two things for the first time: #flyingsolo and fly local. Actually, I did a lot of first in this trip.

The Story Behind the First Solo Travel

So last September. I was experiencing something I couldn’t identify. It made me extremely sad and it was unbearable. I had all sorts of thoughts in my head that I couldn’t sort out. I told this to other people and they concluded that I was experiencing a life-event termed “quarter life crisis.” Yeah, too early I know. As I was trying to search for happiness and a solution to this, Venus - an officemate who lives in Aklan - invited me to come with her on January for a trip to Boracay after the Ati-atihan festival. Without even thinking, I said yes. I wasn’t sure after I said yes but the next day, I’ve already booked my flight. That was it. No turning back.

The Flight Details

The travel dates were January 14 to January 18. Venus’ flight was at 2PM of January 14 and I was actually determined to book the same flight. However, by the time I booked my flight, her flight was already more expensive than the 8PM flight. After considering the pros and cons, I decided to take the latter as it’s much cheaper plus it’s gonna be a legit solo-flight after all. I booked an AirAsia flight going to and from Kalibo. All in all, this cost me around PHP 2400 ($48) including credit card charge and a one-way preferred seat allocation.

I’ll try to note all my expenses for this travel.

How I Felt (months, weeks, days) Before My First Solo Flight

I have to be honest that I wasn’t that excited until a few hours before my trip. I don’t know why but I just didn’t feel like it’s worth the excitement. While writing this, I have some hypothesis in mind but I’d rather not discuss it. Although one the reasons could be the fact that no one agreed to come with me even if I’ve asked them to. Maybe it’s because I was more scared than excited. Just full of maybe’s though.

The Preparation

Since excitement wasn’t in my emotional bank that time, my preparations were all last-minute. The morning before my flight, I went to different department stores to get what I needed for my travel. I went home at around 2PM to pack my things. It took me a two hours to finish as I was actually already thinking whether I should still go or not. Since my flight was at 8PM and I wasn’t so sure of all the procedures before boarding, I decided that I should be at the airport two hours early. To my surprise, everything went as I planned.

A few notes:

Shopping expenses including swimwear, toiletries, beauty products: PHP 2500 ($50)

Transportation to the airport: PHP 200 ($4)

Arrival at the Airport

Unexpectedly, I had an easy go inside the airport. I went through the security and check-in gates without any conflict. But surprisingly, there were A LOT of people in the waiting area. Later on, I figured out that all local flights bound to Cebu, Davao and Kalibo were delayed, which made me conclude that my flight would be late too. I used to work as support developer for an airline client so somehow, I understand how the airport works.

Since I knew that it was a one-hour flight, I didn’t bring any snack with me. I guess this was one of the no-no’s when you travel alone: never forget to bring snacks. I knew airport food was usually overpriced but since I was so hungry, I had no choice but to buy a slice of pizza around PHP 55 ($1).

This time, I was already getting a bit excited. I was wearing a Tommy skin-toned denim short and a GAP maroon shirt plus my HTP infinity scarf partnered with a Parisian wedge. Imagine me in those and you’d figure out that I actually looked like a lost student in the waiting area while I pulled my trolley with my backpack and camera bag. People stared at me and at first, it felt weird. But after a while, I kinda enjoyed it. I finally felt how it was to travel alone.

Boarding

And so they started to call for boarding at 8:20PM (yes, 20 minutes delayed). I was quite in a panic since my seat was 22B - quite at the back plus middle seat. I had to make sure I’m seated first before the person seated on the aisle is settled.

And this is where the fun begins ;)

As I was going up the ladder with my trolley on one hand and the camera bag on the other, I noticed a guy behind me - a tall guy who looks like a foreigner to me. I was worried that I must be too slow for me because of the things I carry. I didn’t want to cause anyone any trouble and I don’t want help from anybody as I wanted to feel that I’m one independent woman on this trip.

I got to my seat and unfortunately, the person in 22C is already seated. He had to excuse himself so I could fix my things and sit down. As I sat down, this foreigner guy asked the person in 22C for 22A. And there it goes! This handsome man is seated beside me.

moving forward →

cassyacee

dumping my old stuff here because we need to clean up.

#aceetravels

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