BIG HUGE LIFE VENT may be the last post I share for a while.
Man I never get on here any more I just never have the spark or energy
Been dealing with heavy mental stuff and pretending I'm fine when I'm really not, blowing up at my partner and dealing with internal meltdowns/spirals near daily.
I hit a anxiety rut once the new year began and, in May, dealt with material grief and in June paternal grief as every mother and father's day is for me.
I hate to say it but my mental health has gotten so bad I am finding myself overthinking EVERYTHING, tense near daily and I don't feel safe in my head.
I can only manage a few days before I burnout again and today, after starting Zoloft, a few days ago... today was the day I felt that wave hit me while at work.
Thankfully, the Zoloft is helping my mood but it's only helping the sertionin NOT my dopamine so
I feel good but not motivated. I guess it's much better than feeling shitty and unmotivated leading to spirals and meltdowns.
However, I just... I need ADHD meds. I cannot continue down this road with out them and possibly seeking a diagnosis for OCD - intrusive thoughts are on 100 and starting to creep in again.
It seems like this year gotten worse? Idk but I am thinking/feeling things that aren't true and it's affecting my current relationship with my partner. My perception of my self and those around me.
My PMDD has also not helped and I guess subconsciously I wanna runaway/sabotage my life at every moment.... Thinking about how to do so/ with not real end goal but.... to sabotage..... because I feel like I haven't been myself lately and I feel so .... Lost.
Anytime I try to peel back the layers of my trauma I am put in a never ending spiral - so I gotta figure what to do. Therapy this year has been eye opening.
I'm tired of trying to reach goals I want, SO FUCKING BADLY and when my brain does not want to.... it's hell and back but I'm trying.
my art, this blog, and life has become so difficult to manage anymore so that's why I don't post/appear online, or on the servers as often anymore. I still try to pop in the servers once every few days .
I think I am hitting the peak of burnout and I just can't pretend I'm fine anymore. I can't just push through without push back so that's been... Rough.
I haven't felt depressed for an entire year in.... Well, years.
Usually this rut ends once March hits.... SAD
I have a two week vacay in August so I hope that reacharges me enough to prepare for my work to no longer have a GM... (This has also added to my stress)
At that point, I'm probably going to job hunt.... I can't do this graveyard shift anymore
Even if it has significantly improved my performance on the job it's not good for my health/personal life.
I need something low-key, but, the job market is trash so idk if leaving is best.
I feel so lonely anymore and I'm so tired of it
