âVery convincing.â Jin said and regretted as her expression dropped and she turned her attention to the cigarette. He hadnât meant it as an insult, on the contrary the circus was full of stoics and despite his alignment with them he was finding himself increasingly drawn to the contrary.Â
Or should he tell that what she was saying about seeming like the kind of person to look away from the harsh reality of their situation wanât true? To a lie and say that she didnât come across as sheltered in a way that was recognizable and foreign all at once?Â
Instead Jin said nothing.
âWhy I would I be mad?â He asked, exhaling the cloud of smoke and watching it dissipate into the air. âDonât get me wrong, a cure or reversal would be great, but Iâm not staking my life on it.â They had been a science team in name only, his role in it small and inconsequential except for that fact that he volunteered to help her, but her soft expression when he looked at her could not mask the truth that she seemed to have viewed this project with more weight than he had ever felt it to have.âItâs your research, youâre just possibly letting the rest of us in on it. You donât owe me anything.â
Just when Jin had begun to fear that all attempts to make her feel better were in vain, he was never good at the type of thing despite finding himself so frequently compelled lately to try to be, Catalina laughed and the sound was more cathartic than it had any right to be.
âPerhaps heâs worried Iâll sue him,â Jin said, with a low laugh. As if they still lived in a world governed by a system you had wasted years studying. And then the reality of it all hit and he sobered immediately. He inhaled and exhaled the cigarette again. âI actually got my degree in this stuff. Corporate law. So I guess itâs fitting I should get screwed over by the kind of air tight contracts I would have been spent my whole life writing.â
âI wouldnât worry about that. Itâs not like anyone was expecting a cure overnight.â Jin certainly hadnât, the whole thing seemed more like a pipe dream. If anyone but Catalina had suggested it he wouldnât have even entertained the thought.
âYour childhood home?â He echo back at her, crushing the cigarette butt under his shoe. âHuh. So this is where youâre from?â It hadnât occurred to Jin that until now she had never mentioned it, in fact everyone rarely talked about where they had lived before, and it had only been pride at attending Harvard and an unfortunate accent that showed itself when he was too drunk to remember to stifle it that gave away the fact he was from Boston. She too had so often spoke of her school with pride, challenging it against his own, that the idea that she live in Connecticut seemed a natural conclusion to draw.
And there it was again too. That sense of naivety - or was it hope - that he found equal parts baffling and compellingÂ
âYou donât actually think youâre going to go back home, do you?â
âI try my best.â She offered a wry smile despite herself. Sometimes she had to force herself to try not to be so bubbly all the time, to let herself feel more than just fear of disappointment. She was allowed to be angry- but she didnât feel like she deserved it. Nothing that happened to her was that horrific right?
Catalina blinked, a little confused but mostly relieved. If anything, she had been banking on the thought that everyone would be pissed at her for getting her research tarnished. She hadnât even thought of sharing this with anyone, but when she did it seemed to have higher stakes that she find something quick. If Jin felt this way... then perhaps so did the others. Perhaps this wasnât a life or death moment, but a pipe dream for anyone else. It was a little insulting- she knew she could do it- but it was mostly necessary. She needed to know no one would be disappointed in her or angry at her. And while Jin was only one person, it helped her more than she thought. âThank you.â She didnât owe him gratitude, this she knew, but she couldnât help it. She smiled instead of explaining as she shrugged. âI guess I really needed to hear that.â
No, she just really needed to hear it from him. Maybe that was why she was so worried. Sheâd be upset to make Link or Theo sad, but the fact Jin wasnât- she had no business feeling this relieved.Â
Cat laughed at his joke, shaking her head as she took another drag. âNext time, weâll go to a judge to present that case.â She grinned before it faltered as he spoke. She knew what he meant now at least. âIt makes total sense. How does a fancy lawyer from Harvard end up in the circus?â It was too prying and she knew, but her need for connection, or maybe curiosity, made her forgo social cues. If anything, she really just wanted to get to know him better. âYou donât have to tell me, but Iâm curious.â
âYeah... that feels better to know. Like, it should annoy me but if it happens it will. And if not, then hopefully I can think of something else thatâll help.â She nodded, determined to not give up but find an alternative. She herself didnât think anyone else needed a cure- but who was she to decide?Â
âYep, Iâm a Cali girl. It explains why Iâm like this.â She laughed softly, exhaling the drag she took as she shrugged. âI lived in a small beach town about two hours west. I only came back home for semester breaks though, mostly because I did not like Connecticut winters at all and also because the apartments there are expensive as hell so ya know. Gotta live back home.â She followed suit and stepped on the butt of the cigarette, glancing over at him. âIf things go well, Iâll show you around. Not my house, but LA.â She grinned and shrugged before his words pierced through. If she was foggy before, she felt crystal clear right now. âWait- what do you mean?â
âWhy wouldnât I be allowed to go home? I never signed my life away to this- what the fuck do you mean, Jin?â Her anger was misdirected at him, but he happened to be her current target right now. âIs this about my family? I tell you my mom doesnât like me drunk out of my mind and is that what youâre trying to throw back in my face?â She was panicking now rather than being angry. What if he was right? Her mother wouldnât be ready to see her, her father was probably pissed she left without saying goodbye and never wanted to see her again. And Metzger? What if this was all a trap? What if there was no legit cryptid researcher position?Â
âWhy wonât I be allowed to go home, Jin?â