This Is An Open Book, Read The Pages

Poetry and truth when sometimes I am not strong enough to tell it.

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

Walls, white as formal cardstock

a tarnished silver candlestick

an ivory bust with brown clothes

Side by side, they stand silently

Watching over the living room with no indication of use

just watching

Next to them lies a portrait that seems wise

A painting that speaks and appears to know more than any of its neighbors

There's tranquility in its nature

A distant memory that feels like home

A wolf's howl echoes through the oil

apprehension like anticipation

and expectations met with stone

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

Properly approaching to help in a distress call

Just intending on lending a hand

Instead, one gets shot back

It stings like a slap to the cheek

but sinks into my chest heavy like lead

Clenching my teeth, I resist the urge to scream or cry

Walking away, fighting the tears trying to form

I feel my walls climb higher until I feel myself shift

I am pissed

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

I wonder if I'm one of the things that makes you anxious to come back home

I fear that I'm one of the things that makes you want to leave

The things I'm learning about myself keep growing but I'm thinking that they're not all so pretty

All I wanted to do was provide you a place where you could be safe and comfortable in my arms and away from the world that gives you so much anxiety

Now, I'm just scared that I'm part of the problem.

Perhaps I'm not the respite I thought I once was or could be, and that haunts me when we have nights like tonight.

I just want to protect you and hold you tight so the worst of the world couldn't break through the beauty and determination you find in everyday life

and I'm so afraid that I'm not getting it right

People tell me relationships aren't supposed to be perfect and I know that has to be the truth: nothing's perfect

But gods, for you, I would give the sky and the moon and the stars and every single bit of this mangled heart

Yet I can't manage to show you in a way that we can be proud of

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

Things are building up, the pressure as well

I can't stand the the build up in my skull

like the tension will spill over at any moment

There's too much changing around me, but I'm not keeping up

The world's moving, spinning, but I'm still stuck

When is my standard going to be enough?

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

Because of you, I'm damaged goods

I said I never would

but I have to walk away

I'll miss you every day

Even though if you look me in the eyes,

I'd see every lie

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

Pictures in flashes, paths that are passing

collections of my life in snapshots, a scrapbook

Building layers of walls, of aimless deflections

an interesting tidbit as a distraction

a desperate protection

No one can see me

The mechanisms I’ve built are so thorough

No matter how much I crave connection

These products of pain I’ve constructed persevere

No one can reach into them and rescue me from this prison that I carved out myself

The solitary I quarantined into no longer does me any favors

Sometimes, I wish I could claw out of here

I’d rip at this cage if it meant I could be seen

Even if it meant that my cherished people would witness my bleeding hands, my feral eyes, my broken soul

Especially if this allowed my truth to break out, if I could break down

I’m so tired and worn that I could scream until my voice was raw

Until the compulsive instinct to hide myself behind words couldn’t even occur

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

I’m an excellent pyrotechnic,

but I’m afraid of the flames

I don’t want to be lonely,

but I burn all the pages

of every story I’ve ever written down

I close all the doors

before they can ever find out

I’m not worth it.

Don’t let them see close enough to find I’m not worthy

I don’t trust myself

Flame walker, aren’t you tired

Didn’t anyone teach you

No playing with fire

A spark will catch fast

if you don’t stop and try harder

Flame walker, they remember your name

Burnt to a crisp, but nobody will mourn you, oh

Chronic path opener

The roads just lead nowhere

Is the journey worth the walk

or do they resent the trip forward

The words you need vanish

before you hear any truth

Gone in a flash,

before anyone knew

Flame walker, they’re moths to your flame

Nobody told them better

Just to stay far away

They crave your warmth,

but when you vanish, they’re cold

Flame walker, you hurt them and still you want more

It’s sad

Being out here alone

The bridges are gone

there’s nowhere to go

The boats sail right by

because this island is cursed

Haunted by a flame walker

I don’t even like fire

Flame walker, you reap what you sow

The trees you planted have nowhere to grow

Bridges collapse into the sea

They’ll live their lives, flame walker,

but no one will come back here for me

Oh, oh, oh

No one I’ve burned will come back to me

Goodbye to the people I’ve known,

you’ll never know I’m sorry for the things that I’ve blown

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

Maybe I closed the blinds because the sun was getting in my eyes when I was sitting on the couch

However, I should’ve kept them all open so I could still enjoy the light coming in

I still love the outside world and all of its beauty

All of its stories too

The stories I cling to inside of my television, my books, my dreams

They all are a mere reflection of the outside

And I always know that they reflect my inside as well

The world is so vast, so large

So maybe I’m less afraid while I’m experiencing the interpretations of others’ minds from my living room

that I can experience so much that others see without the risk of it all

I’m nervous and I’m isolated but

I’m hungry for the world and I’ll take whatever I can get

Maybe I know that I deserve to be experiencing things for myself

Maybe one day I will

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

My heart’s in a little bit of hurting and I’m not sure if it’s something I’ve done

Did I care much too fast or did I let myself down

There’s an ache in my bones that knows that our story isn’t over

and I wonder sometimes if I’ve connected to you somehow

Do you know that I’m thinking of you?

Are you hurting like me? Am I hurting like you? Are you okay? Will I see you again someday soon?

No way of knowing without hearing from or seeing you, but even then, will you let me in?

Please(I know you have), please give me a chance(I know you are)

We’ve barely known each other but even with you away, I feel I know you in a way that I cannot explain

Distance makes me a bit anxious, but the truth is, faith keeps me stable

Logic dictates that there is no way for me to know the facts I feel in my bones, more than I can verify

Just knowing without proof is something I’ve never felt with a human person before

only divinity and the universe giving me hope in design

You are the exception to the rule, I keep finding myself trusting you without any conditions

Listening to myself, I’m afraid.

This might be my moon in Capricorn talking, my logical heart contradicting

but I know that it would be more reasonable for me to trust slower, love slower, keep distant

My Spotify is playing “I Do Not Hook Up” by Kelly Clarkson

like I wasn’t so hungry for any acknowledgement at all

like I didn’t consider hooking up just to feel close,

even more shaking to realize that I wanted to feel close to you specifically and I could do nothing but let you know one day

Two Weeks since that night will probably pass before I see you again with your answer, whatever it may be, for now

And I dread and crave the moment that I tell you that I’ve missed you this whole time

Were you missing me? Will you find it cute?

My reunion with you is approaching and I believe it’ll make me feel something much more intimate than I may be prepared for in my heart

or you, for that matter

Sincerely, I hope that I do not scare you with my intensity or my care before we have a chance to truly be anything more than a fleeting thought

I hope that in all of this feeling of knowing you, you may, in turn, possibly know me

that we are similar in our spiritual reflections, where we know so much without saying any words or communicating in any physical way at all

I pray that you are empathetic to my care and see me in all of my vulnerability, even if it’s intimidating

I hope you see me and care. No matter how startling, I hope you come through the shock of seeing my truths, and care for me like… even a fraction of how I’ve started caring.

Gosh, I hope you care. I hope you see and accept, and gosh, I hope you stay.

There’s something surreal in the way I feel you will.

It may take some time.. but there’s this warmth in my chest that says you will.

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

I can’t understand how people can keep going, the world can keep turning when their actions hurt me so badly that I cannot breathe, I can’t think of anything else but the pain. 10/10 on the pain scale. all consuming.

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

I can barely breathe.

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

I keep thinking of your smile shifting the constellations on your cheeks

How if the light comes into your eyes in just the right way, the sparkle that shines just brings your universe to greater heights

You are infinite in yourself,

you keep growing.

I can’t wait to see more of you.

There’s so much to see, so much to learn

and the crazy thing is that I don’t think I’ll ever run out of things to love about you.

I spent years of my life staring up at the world from my porch and now?

The world is so close to me and I can trace my fingers along the stars

And I can’t help feeling that if I’m this close to your ever-expanding world, your galaxies, your sky

I must be stars and divinity too.

Thank you for every day our worlds collide and grow together,

For the safe feeling amidst chaos,

For your shining light amongst darkness.

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

I only see you once a week

I’m longing to see you again

Maybe we’re doing things the old fashioned way

and I’m thinking of FLETCHER sipping her Old Fashioned

on the rocks, cherries I want popped and dreaming until I stop

You’re worth every minute

and I don’t want to ruin it by saying something stupid

Just play it cool and know time will flow

Even if I don’t know which way it’ll go

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

To the night I decided to be nosy,

where you and I bonded over astrology

You and your friends were taking shots of tequila

I was just serving and happy to see ya

And you asked if I was single

My hopes were up when you asked for a date —

just to crash down because you’re asking for your roommate

but I couldn’t help thinking we had a connection,

wondering if you felt what I did when you walked in

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

Reaching out, trying to reconnect the pieces

These stagnant fears, I've been trying to release them

What else to say when I've made so many mistakes

I'm sorry seems to be the only thing I want to say

Things have been hard on the two of us

The world shifts, we can barely stand

You believed my words when I wasn't even around

I didn't see that when I had no ground

My fear kept me away, because I didn't know how to speak

These things kept inside, locked away from all to see

The words running through my head like a marathon:

I should've, would've, could've been better than I was

I can't go back and change the things I've done

Trying to reverse, I never get close enough

You should know you are a true friend

My foolishness leaves me so in pain

You deserved better than what came of this

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

I feel like such a criminal when I play my own way

When others are around, I just pave my own place

Too many people asking me what I’m meant to be

They can’t possibly see that I was meant to be me

Circles are being run around, can’t I find my way out?

I hate this game, my heart’s lost and found

but I’m still wrong when I speak up loud

People would like me to be a certain way

I used to shift my mask and show a different face

So many sides I’ve lost count of who I am

being led around by everybody else

Tell me what’s the truth

When can I be myself

People are disappointed when I seem like someone else

but they can’t tell if it’s me I’m playing today or if the one they knew was entirely not myself

[catchmewhen-i-lie]

I’m just waiting for a sweet something

instead of this nothing* I feel

It’s a dull ache in the well of my heart

it sits at the base, waiting to tear me apart

forever anticipating, and endlessly waiting

I’m afraid it’s weighing me down

It’s sinking much deeper than ever before

The ache has reached a new depth, a new floor

and I’m wondering

if this suffering

will ever find its end or will there be more