Butterfly Fly Away

I'm a laid back person with a ton of anxiety. ASD. Depression. ED. 30. Female.

[yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou]

Nobody ever talks about how selfless it is to choose, over and over again, to not commit suicide. Nobody ever acknowledges the tremendous sacrifice suicidal people make every time we choose not to kill ourselves. When a person who is suffering so horribly that death seems like their best option decides not to take their one way out, and to instead remain in hell, day after day, month after month, year after year, because they don’t want to hurt the people they love, they are doing something extraordinary. Not killing yourself when it’s all you want to do is the purest act of love I can imagine. Dying for someone is easy - you don’t have to deal with any of the consequences, you have your moment of nobility and then it’s all over. But living for someone, when the simple fact of consciousness is literal torture for you? Every single suicidal person who ever made a choice to not kill themselves in a moment of misery is a goddamn hero in my eyes. Wanting to die and still surviving is an act of titanic courage and self-sacrifice. We deserve more credit for it.

[caterpillar-in-thetree]

[beanstarr]

Good read, pulled some quotes that stood out to me.

Recognizing Autism in Females

What makes women different.

On special interests:

"Studies have shown that males tend to be more interested in mechanical topics as females tend to be more interested in relationships, people, animals, fictional characters and worlds, or psychology (Grove et al. 2018). Males and females both have hyper-fixated and restricted interests but many of my female clients get fixated on things like Dungeons and Dragons, animals, world-building, books, bones, autism itself, and television shows."

On social interaction:

"According to a survey we conducted here at Tree of Life Behavioral Health, many females with autism have difficulty obtaining and maintaining friendships and acquaintances. They lose friends and they don’t usually understand why. They feel rejected and isolated because the nuanced interactions that lead to deep bonding are a constant mystery."

On misdiagnosis:

"Most females with autism are diagnosed with anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder, or bipolar disorder prior to their diagnosis with autism. In general, people with autism do have higher rates of depression and anxiety. They feel like outsiders, aliens, and they struggle with social isolation, all of which can lead to both depression and anxiety. "

On imagination:

"According to Hendrickx (2015), one of the most common differences between male and female ASD presentation is the presence of imaginary play. One of the things most people who test and screen for ASD look for is a lack of imagination or limited imaginary play. However, girls with autism have described this to be almost the opposite: They may live in an atypically rich world of imagination with multiple imaginary friends."

On trauma:

"In a survey done at my clinic, 90% of the sample of females with ASD also met the diagnostic criteria for PTSD. "

"Many of the females we surveyed felt they were more vulnerable to being victimized because of their undiagnosed and untreated ASD. In a world filled with people they don’t understand, how can they tell which people are dangerous and which are safe?"

[weirdcultstuff]

To myself, raised in an environment that glorified and romanticized restriction and suffering:

There is no victory in skipping dinner, or lunch, or breakfast, or morning coffee, or dessert.

There is no victory in refusing heaters and air conditioners and fans and heated blankets.

There is no victory in denying yourself sleep, or showers, or movement, or water, or a comfortable bed, or taking the elevator vs. the stairs.

There is no victory in refusing pain meds and heating pads and ice packs and medical help.

There is no victory in punishing yourself needlessly, in telling yourself that this pain you feel is because you are bad to the core and deserve it.

There is no victory in choking back your laughter and your tears, to keep an imagined equilibrium of safety that is really just a dry, cracked, empty, endless emotional desert.

You are here. You are in this body, and this body is yours. You deserve good things. You are alive, and that is messy and loud, and messy and loud are okay.

It’s okay to live abundantly. It’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to indulge. This paralysis of self-punishment, self-restriction, self-loathing is not healthy or good for you.

[siickangel]

“you’re so quiet” bro everyone ignores me and nobody cares about what i have to say

[afloweroutofstone]

I’m sure that having protestors outside their house must be uncomfortable for Supreme Court Justices, perhaps even something they wish they could get rid of. But they’ve already made their decision, and now must bring it to term. Maybe this wouldn’t be happening to them if they had been a little more responsible with their earlier behavior.

[mysticmoon02]

Understanding BPD in a nutshell

With BPD there is two main parts of your brain that are affected. The amygdala is the first part. Its responsible for our fear response. Basically it's what creates our emotions. In patients with BPD the amygdala is shown to be overactive. When we feel like someone is going to leave us, or if someone is upset with us, the amygdala fires a fear response. Typically the brain is able to combat that emotion with the hippocampus. The hippocampus is responsible for regulating our emotions. Unfortunately those with BPD tend to have an underdeveloped or under active hippocampus. With the overactive amygdala we feel emotions and fear ten times more than the average person, but we also have an under active hippocampus, so we don't have the ability to control those emotions. For outward BPD, those emotions become so overwhelming that the only logical response you'd have is to get angry and upset with the world. You'd feel like no one understands or no one cares

On the other side of things is for those with quiet BPD still experience that extreme amount of emotions but we do it in a way where no one can see. We constantly battle ourselves internally and direct our anger inwards. We bash and hate at ourselves, but lack the ability to ask for help when we need it because we shut down so many times. Instead we isolate ourselves because any kind of stimulation can become to much to bear. We suffer through silent panic attacks and break down when no one is looking. We are unable to show frustration or anger because that emotion can.be foreign to us.

Anger is important though because it helps people establish healthy boundaries. It's like those with outward BPD tend to put up walls because they dont want to be hurt, but quiet BPD is more on the side of we can have no boundaries at times so we get used very easily. Most of the symptoms of inward and outward BPD are the same.

[akindplace]

I am someone worth fighting for. Even if I am the only one fighting for myself, because I know my own value. We all should care for ourselves, fight for our well-being, even if we have to go through it alone. The fact that people around you don't value you doesn't mean that you are worthless. It means you should appreciate yourself first and look for better relationships with people who enjoy you for who you are.

[imakeartwheniwanttodie]

[empty-and-lonely]

[estravenai]

[livinginmymatrix]

My heads been screaming for weeks…it’s physically causing lack of focus, mood swings, fatigue, emotional distress. The odd thing is, no matter how loud the screaming gets, I can’t say a single word when I open my mouth. like, I feel so stuck in this black hole an out of control. I just wanna crawl up into a ball an never do anything or go anywhere again.

life is a joke. Friends are jokes. People in general are jokes. Adulting is a joke. An above all I’m the mf punch line apparently.

[its-probably-called-trauma]

I literally cannot stand making a mistake. Even if it’s not really a mistake, just something I consider to be one. I feel horrible and incredibly guilty and I feel like people will be mad at me for it. Is that a character flaw or a trauma response?

[unwelcome-ozian]

[silhouettetarot-deactivated2022]

People pleasing isn’t love; it’s fear

[soulsofbold]

This was the poem that got me reading as much of Nikita Gill's' work as possible. I was 14 I believe, when I first read it. I am now 21. I've had these words memorized since first sight.

- Nikita Gill

[minotauri]

approaching the new year the way i would a cornered rabid animal. no direct eye contact no sudden moves and no small amount of apprehension

[vetisntdead]

And a pole syringe with domitor