💭inside My🧠 @livinginmymatrix - Tumblr Blog

Welcome To My Matrix!

Hello! And welcome to my Page. This is my Matrix. It is my safe space. My own little world. Some place I can be me, and share my thoughts and feelings and desires. My life is kind of hectic, and things always keep me guessing. So buckle up and enjoy the ride. Oh, an don’t forget the popcorn. You’ll need it; I promise.

July 4, 2025–Freedom within a Box—

Sometimes we put ourselves Into situations and close ourselves off to other things. Sometimes our past holds on, closing off those other things.

Life has been weighing on me a lot recently. I’ve been trying to figure out who I am. And who I wanna be. I’m kinda just in between. I try to be a good person, but sometimes I have my moments. And I don’t want to come off as conceded…or full of myself…it’s like don’t know where that line is and I’m too scared to get close to it. I don’t know how to enjoy myself and love myself to the full extent. I shelter myself from others so much so that I have lost who I am within that shelter. Like I know I’m a mom, and a wife and so on and so forth. But I don’t know who I am as in individual. And I hate that. I’m like a back ground character, that doesn’t feel like alone I have purpose. And although I’m surrounded by people, I feel so alone.

#mentally tired #dear diary #lost #mental health #locked box #inner thoughts #depression #spiral

Yall ever hit that massive breaking point, but it’s still your fault somehow? LMFAO. #relapsed

#relapsed #mentally drained #mentally tired #over it #done #feeling worthless #stupid #dear diary #wild #down the drain #dead inside

Loving the ‘new me’

I’ve always suffered from low self esteem when it comes to my looks. I also suffer from body dismorphia. One of the scariest things about having a child for me was the constant change to my body. Although I knew it was necessary, it was hard.

I know I won’t ever go back to how I looked before without massive amount of work. Although I’m not looking to reach that level of tiny again, I am looking to be small again. I feel most comfortable when I am smaller. But not too small. Small, but healthy. I’d like to keep my curves, but lose some weight, tighten and tone.

I feel smaller than I actually am, however I also look in the mirror as little as possible as I hate the way I look. But I started to fit into some of my old clothes, or noticed how my fiancé’s clothes are fitting much looser now.

It’s a struggle, but I try to do things here and there to help my appearance. Such as painting my nails, or straightening my hair. Throwing on some light makeup, or do a full shower&skin care routine.

This is one hell of a long and crazy road I cannot wait to be at the end and finally feel confident in myself again. Pushing for Hot Mom Summer this year, we taken the babies out and lookin hot while doing it.

#loving my body #postpartum #first time mom #new to this #dear diary #body dismorphia #low self confidence #wild #journey #curvy #small #comfortable #hot mom summer #MILF

Living My Dream.

It’s wild to think I dreamed of living this life years ago. This may have not been exactly what I dreamed it’d be like. But the countless nights of dreaming and hoping and praying I’d end up here is wild to me.

I met the love of my life several years ago via social media. We talked and video chatted for the longest and got to know each other and eventually met in person and one thing led to another in a complete plot twist and a half of events that will leave you stunned.

When we first met; there was something different about him to me. At the time, I was roughly 16-17 when I met him, and neither of us had really any experience in a healthy relationship, nor were neither of us mature enough to be in a true healthy relationship. But as most teenagers, we ‘dated’ despite that and hurt each other a lot. But regardless to how much we hurt each other I knew he was different and I always came back. I constantly told people he was ‘mine’ and that id marry him one day. I can remember friends laughing after the hell we’d put each other through all these years and I’d still say that stuff.

After years of back and forth and really never being able to let each other go, we walked away for what we believed to be the last time. I began a new relationship, as did he. But as always, I quickly found myself wanting to know every little thing about what he was doing. We shortly fell back into contact and as always I was sucked right back into the fire. I began to rethink my relationship at the time, and called a break, in which I used the time to spend a night with my love and see if ‘there was even anything there still’. In an odd twist I somehow ended up back in the relationship and not single. And once again lost contact with my love.

Flash forward a few months to a year and I had moved to Arizona with my at the time partner and were living temporarily with my parents. Once again, I’d come into communication with him. And there was no way I was losing him again.

Quickly started the dreams and fantasizing about things changing and being back together with him. This carried on for roughly a year. Staying in contact and falling harder as time passed.

After almost a year, getting my first apartment, and a traumatic few events I’d made the decision to come home. Sold things we couldn’t take with us, packed the apartment up, flew home.

After arriving home, I quickly realized I couldn’t stay in my relationship. I haven’t been happy for a couple years and I’m not sure why I couldn’t bring myself to leave sooner.-I’m not a super religious person, but I truly believe god brought me home for a reason.- after a couple months and slowly pulling myself out of the whole I was sitting in, I decided to finally end things. Unfortunately they beat me to it and asked me if I felt trapped. I froze and went to say no but my head shook no and I said yes.

I moved out that night. I stayed with a friend for a week and then moved back with my grandparents.

At this time I also reconnected with my love and we decided to give this one last time. It’s been a long road. We’ve had bumps, and some I wasn’t sure we’d get past. But this man and I have both grown and changed for the better.

We’re now engaged, expanded the family by one handsome little man, working on our relationship daily, working hard to build up our future and live out the rest of our dreams together. This is more than 16yo me could have ever even asked for let alone imagined. It’s kind of healing to know we made it.

2024

Hello tumblr: it’s been awhile since I’ve been actively sharing my thoughts. Maybe even a couple years. Over that time frame a lot has changed in my life.

Unsure where I last left off, some changes that have occurred to me over the last year alone.

2022:

Left an extremely toxic relationship

Moved back with my grandparents temporarily

Got back with the love of my life

Got my first car

Took my first ever trip to Florida

Moved in with the love of my life

2023:

Found out I was pregnant

Got engaged

Had a baby

Although throughout all the good, I of course Had some rough patches along the way as well. I lost myself a little over those two years. I rediscovered old trauma I’d be suppressing for lord knows how long. I lost a friend. Or two. I’ve cried a thousand tears, and laughed a million times. I’ve screamed in anger and yelled in excitement. I’m still lost and things are definitely still a mess. But I’m continuing to fight and hang in there. As long as I continue to have the love and support of my love and my child, I think I’ll be just fine. If I have one thing left in life to fight for, it’s them.

#hello tumblr #welcome to my brain #dear diary #it’s been a while #lost and untamed #life update #personal growth #living my best life