Catpopsicle @catpopsicle - Tumblr Blog

you look like you've eaten the sun, like you drank so much sunlight you're drowning in it

anything heart-shaped, blush pink, or involving roses... i will gladly accept

it hurt to see my favourite people prefer people other than me. Until i got so used to this feeling and it became normal and accepted the idea that i was not someone's favourite

Love is like the wild rose-briar,

Friendship is like the holly-tree —

The olly is dark when the rose-briar blooms

But which will bloom more constantly?

Emily Bronte

Were all stars to disappear or die,

I should learn to look at an empty sky

And feel its total dark sublime,

Though this might take me a little time.

W H Auden

When i was thinking about what to write about her,

i had my whiteboard at home filled with things i wanted to say to her;

Amazing things written up there like:

”Until i met you, from sun up to sun down was all i dared to plan for”

right next to:

”And i waited for you to show up and to show up and to show up but you never do, i just wanted you to come through”.

That was going to be the centerpoint of my new poem - a poem i needed to write because of her; because of what she did and what she did after.

But i said ”fuck it, she doesnt deserve my words anymore” and so this poem is going to be about me and how proud i am of me and it is about fucking time i wrote something like this.

CW: Self-Harm/Suicide/the usual big sad stuff

My suicide notes were written and the night was perfect.

It was silent and cool, the smiling moon posed kindly in the black.

I still can’t decide why I didn’t go through with it -

Was it because i was strong enough not to?

Or because i was too much of a coward?

I saw shadows dart from dark corridor to dark corridor for the next few years.

There were voices in my head that weren’t mine even though they tried to convince me they were.

I wrote of the battlefields in my mind and worthlessness and pain that couldn’t be fixed by tools found in a first aid box.

My forearm was running out of space for the blade to make friends with my skin -

A Wish for My 19th Birthday

Reading all my past writings,

i realise again how fluent i was in her beauty.

i wrote her into stardust and into yellow sunflower.

tell me of something more enchanting than just the sight of her.

even now, when my mind wonders,

it finds its way (home) to her smile, her laugh;

they were not meant for this realm.

i read somewhere that there is no heaven on earth but there are pieces of it and i think i died a little every time i saw her.

i’m not trying to be weird or clingy or creepy and i’m sorry if it comes across that way - it’s just that you don’t forget someone like her.

If/When she hears this or reads this, i hope she remembers that she is made of joy that could last 10 lifetimes - that when God made her, he added two more cups of Kindness and Wonder than what the recipe said…and maybe also a pinch or two extra Clumsy, just for good measure. I am sure that when he was done, he turned and said to an angel “God damn, i’m good.”…or “Me damn, i’m good”, you know, because he’s God.

i hope she remembers to be kind to herself despite the ease to which she sometimes leans towards the opposite; that she remembers that she is a billion things before she is stupid. i hope she is her best self.

i hope, wish, this with all my heart this February 14th.

Light Duty/Light Duty’s Sedia

My squad stands fierce and bold. The sun shines, its rays pure gold. but one sits in the shade.

they hear the command to get ready, to stand at attention - 33 figures move in near perfect synchronisation. Though one follows his own rhythm.

“one, bang”, they count as one. Smiles, fleeting moments of fun. Bar one, who sings only his silence.

the squad, in 3 perfect lines straight. They’re lucky, almost a second too late. Stifled laughter and accelerated heart rate.

Semula

Two flames

We, both, had fire in our hearts. I guess that was what drew us together - seeing another light. But two flames near each other will kill each other in the end - there is only so much oxygen in the room. I guess that's why we had to go our own way.

It has been months but I am still fluent in your beauty

I would very likely think myself into panic

I love you

Stupid, it has always been about you. It's never been about anyone else. Valerie, you've taught me so much about love. I've said what I needed to but there's so much more I want say.

I want to tell you how you caught me before school barely started. I want to tell you about how the butterflies in my stomach beat tornados every time I see you. I want to tell you about how I've cried just thinking about how beautiful you are. I want to tell you that you are amazing and how I wish you will start the family you always wanted. I want to tell you...

I love you. I love you. I love you. And I always will. See you around, Valerie. We'll both be okay.

To be honest, there was a part of me that felt like we would get together and I kept shutting it down again and again and again but it never went away. I've been stuck on her for so long that this thing that happened today was _supposed_ to absolutely destroy me but it hasn't. It isn't fair. I want to feel that terrible pain because that makes sense in my head and nonsense makes me uncomfortable but I'm not feeling that absolute heartache. Why am I not feeling that? I want to feel that. Yes, I do feel my heart actually acheing but I can't make sense of it because it's not the pain that I'm expecting. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. And I still love her. Like in the best way possible. Not the overly clingy obsessed way but for a lack of a better word, love.

I just hope I haven't created a coping mechanism that makes me immune to feeling. This demands to be felt and I'M NOT FEELING AND I DON'T KNOW WHY

“i just feel more stupid than the others“

“you are a million things before you are stupid”

i write only because there is a voice within me that will not be still

She used to scare me her voice strong and powerful as, too, her spirit

#VT

Trust me, you don't want to be anywhere near me.

I am flawed to a point one cannot even be.

Pain, anger, confusion -

It must've been something I did; this is retribution.

I'm just hanging on Tell me now to just let go I just want to love you

What am i good at? Who the fuck knows at this point? I'm just so tired

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