Sarcasm Is A Defense

Name~place name~proper noun~backstory stuff.

[dragon-in-a-fez]

there's a group of high school boys in this McDonald's and I just heard one of them say "I bet you you cannae break your own arm" so something interesting might happen shortly

[redstonedust]

they should've kept making home alone movies with the same protagonist so as he gets older it gets increasingly less impressive that he's been left home alone. by 2025 they release home alone 12 and it's adult macaulay culkin having a normal one while two elderly gentlemen try to steal from his mailbox and get vaporized by his door camera.

[cowboy]

Is there a reason carrots are so juicy and crunchy and perfect

[minnienelaa]

if castiel were a vegetable 🥕

[cowboy]

Okay

[bedupolker]

Me: I won't repeat my father's mistakes

Me [2 hours later]: I should build a porch

[beloved-icarus]

Mesopotamian girl sending clay tablets to her best friend who lives five city states to the west: what if..... Enkidu begot Gilgamesh with child?🤭

[vulpinesaint]

saying "question mark?" and "however comma," out loud are game changers. punctuation on the go. and it's always the funniest thing that anyone around you has ever heard

[fudamnshi]

for me to be known is to be humiliated Lowkey

[fuckin-cinderella]

[lakemojave]

People are unfazed if you hate women but if you dislike dogs they assume you're a bad person

[lakemojave]

Tumblr users will read a post complaining about normalized misogyny and hyperfocus on your claim that it's ok to dislike dogs

[praguegirl]

they just don’t do any classic homophobic children moments like this anymore 

[coughloop]

There was really no winning that one

[pissvortex]

Mobster, pointing a gun at my head: Any last words kid

Me: I actually like to use women's deodorant because the stuff for men dries out my skin and smells like harsh chemicals

*BANG*

(3 hours later, at Walmart)

(Mobster holding Dove Advance Care in the deodorant aisle)

Hmm...

[plumbo-gummite]

top 10 sex positions that will leave naught but ash in your wake

[saltoncity]

scientists are trying to discover something harder than getting out of bed to go to work in the morning. and dont make a fucking penis joke ok they already checked everyone’s dick and it doesn’t even come close

[memorycycle]

these teenagers and their dog are trying ruin our money laundering business. no tony put the gun down were doing this the old fashioned way. were gonna dress up as monsters and scare them

[valtsv]

i'm like a fujoshi but for dead people

[valtsv]

if you could see the thread i'm hanging on by you would not say these things to me

[mclennonyaoi]

[draconym]

I think it sucks that you have to go to so many different kinds of doctor to take care of yourself. It's the 21st century. I should be able to go to a single office where they scan me with a big xerox machine and tell me what I'm allergic to and why my tummy hurts and if I have any cancer or cavities or if my glasses prescription has changed. And then I should get a sticker.

[sourcreammachine]