I don’t even remember the last time I’ve posted on here. If I had to guess without checking my own page, I’d say about 3 years or so. That’s crazy! Lately, I’ve really been missing an outlet to just be able to write and let my mind think freely. I have the type of mind that just thinks and thinks and holds so much in that I can’t even process it. In order to figure out what I’m really thinking or feeling, I need to write. That’s where I’m able to finally see everything clearly again. So, I want to start writing on here again for me :) I originally wanted to start a new blog after re-reading some of my previous (definitely cringe-worthy) posts and seeing how much I’ve matured and grown since then, but I honestly think it’s cooler to see the progression of myself and life over the years. It’s all me, and I bet a few years from now what I’m writing now may seem cringeworthy to my future self. Overall, life is a constant progression and the past is a critical part of that!
These past few years have been some of the most amazing and most difficult years of my life. I graduated from Dental Hygiene school (which was one of the most overwhelming periods of my life). During that process, I feel in love with my crush of 2 or so years. Basically, I developed a crush on this guy the moment I saw him and we didn’t start dating until 2-3 years after that. But I prayed about him and got to know his personality even better along the way and knew that he was worth the wait if he was the man I was meant to be with. And crazily enough, God brought us together and we got married after 2 years of dating! I still can’t believe it and think about that so often! I remember thinking I would never get married or be able to open myself up enough since I’m so guarded and reserved, but I was able to trust God and try to put myself out there a little bit. And because of that, I have the most loving, humble, intentional, selfless partner for the rest of my life ❤️
Even though some great, major life stages have happened within these past few years (beginning my career and starting a new life with my husband), I’ve found myself feeling very lost and doubtful at times. Life is hard. All the way up to college, life is pretty structured and laid out. There’s a path that everyone seems to be following and it’s easy to know the next step (graduate high school, graduated college, etc.). But after that point, it’s really up to you what you do with the rest of it. For years, I looked so forward to that freedom! But once I attained it, I was terrified. I suddenly didn’t feel qualified or worthy. I felt extremely anxious and my self confidence seemed to hit an all-time-low even though I had just accomplished so much! Those few months after college were so unexpected and difficult. I felt like I was hitting a mid-life-crisis in my twenties. I felt alone and like I had made the wrong decision. I felt like I would never be able to find the write job for me and I was already afraid of getting fired from a job I didn’t even have yet. I felt like I wasn’t able to be an adult and would never figure it out.
Skip forward to about a year after graduation (now). I’m finally starting to gain a little more assurance that I can do this career. If I lose my job, I will most likely be able to find another one. I don’t know why, but for some reason a career compared to a job was such a big leap for me! I just didn’t feel like I would ever be qualified enough. But so many people get fired or laid off work and they still are able to get another job! I don’t know what anxiety overcomes me and just jumps to the worst case scenario. I’m striving daily to welcome uncertainty and fear and to take it as an opportunity for growth and learning. If I can get though hard times, then I will have the confidence and assurance to get through harder times.
I just keep remembering high school and college and how open the world seemed to be. I felt like I could accomplish anything and anxiety was never an issue. Once I accomplished what I had been working towards for years, the anxiety came crashing down. I think it may be because the next step was not certain or planned out for me the way it has always been.
Marriage is amazing, but it didn’t take my anxiety or problems away the way I thought it could. We are living our life together now and only have ourselves to fall back on, which honestly makes my anxiety worse at times. We no longer have the financial security of our parents. Becoming an adult is fun and has so much freedom, but it also comes with so much uncertainty. I’m growing each day, trying to embrace and grow these years and get to the place I was when I was before this anxiety became a part of me. I don’t want to live in fear anymore, I truly want to embrace it and to allow me to push myself further than was ever capable before. And I think writing will allow me to grow in that day by day!
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