“It just means you have to work double as hard as most people!”
Well maybe I don’t WANT to work double as hard as abled people!! Maybe I deserve a BREAK!! Maybe I’ve been working MORE THAN double as hard for MY WHOLE LIFE and it’s led me to immense burnout & caused me to develop several MORE disabilities!! Maybe I should be ACCOMMODATED so I don’t have to KILL MY BODY AND BRAIN over trying to do what abled people can do!! Maybe I DON’T have to work double as hard!! Maybe if there’s the option to let me NOT work double as hard, I should have it, because I’m already working double as hard JUST TO SURVIVE!!
Why do you think disabled people deserve less rest than mentally & physically abled people?
Sub red flags: a checklist for less experienced Doms
Awhile ago, I wrote the above post explaining several red flags and warning signs in Doms for less experienced submissives to be aware of. This is the inverse. Written mostly for inexperienced Doms who are seeking subs, from the perspective of an experienced Dom. I would recommend less experienced subs read as well. My hope is that this post is a resource for others and helps to improve kink safety and understanding. Please remember to research everything you do before you do it and trust your gut. Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with.
Unclear consent/hasty consent
All kinks carry inherent risk. Some have physical risks, some psychological risks, plenty have both. Trust your gut if someone seems too eager to dive into something without fully discussing every possible angle you can think of. Don't ever run into something when you could walk. In kink, you aren't just consenting to the activity, you're consenting to the risks which the activity carries. Don't do anything with anyone who doesn't seem to understand that distinction.
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Dynamics are a two way street
One of the most misunderstood aspects of kink is the core element of mutual effort. Generally, less experienced people assume that the Dominant is an active participant, while the sub is a passive one, who simply receives whatever the Dom decides, getting off in the process. While this might work well in a Dark Romance novel it is categorically antithetical to real life BDSM. On a fundamental level, BDSM is a collaborative effort. Both the dominant and submissive are active participants, both have to put forth a lot of effort, both in learning about kink and safety and in actual scenes. While a scene might focus on a sub being a pretty doll for their Dom, just laying there and getting off, that should not be reflective of your actual interpersonal dynamic whatsoever. If a submissive doesn't believe they should have to put in as much effort as you, that's reflective of an unwillingness to put effort into your dynamic or your scene with them.
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Boundaries/safewords for doms
Just like a submissive has to consent to everything you do, a Dom also has to consent to everything in a scene. If a sub doesn't respect your boundaries, pushes them without permission, or acts as if your boundaries aren't as important as them getting off go play with someone else
"I have no limits"/"I don't use a safeword"
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REFUSING TO HONOR A SAFE WORD IS SEXUAL ASSAULT
Subs can assault Doms too.
This is fake. Everyone has boundaries. Some people like saying this doing scenes for fun, which can be fine roleplay, but if they genuinely believe it about themselves they are not emotionally mature enough for kink and are an unsafe partner. Run away.
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"Doms don't need aftercare"
Fake. Run. Unsafe partner.
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"Kink dispenser"
Subs should not view you as just someone who reads their mind and tells them things to get them off. Your needs matter too and all participants in a scene should be attentive to each other's needs and interests. You aren't there just to do whatever they want to get them off the same way they aren't there just to do whatever you want to get you off unless you have specifically agreed that you're both into that AND that the scene is going to be about that.
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Mental Health, Aftercare, and Drops
Your mental health is just as important as your physical safety in kink. Any submissive you play with must prioritize your emotional well-being the same way you need to prioritize theirs. There will be times when you feel weird after or during a scene or even bad about yourself. Dominance is stressful. Yours truly was once in a particularly harsh impact scene as a rookie Dom, realized how rough the marks on their thighs were, and experienced a drop feeling like a bad person even though they had specifically asked for what I was doing to them. It's perfectly normal to snap back to reality sometimes and end the scene for your own comfort. In fact, it is unsafe for your own emotional health to Dom anyone when you don't feel up to it. The correct thing to do is to communicate with the sub, pause or end the scene as needed, get feedback, let them know you need reassurance. Its completely normal and valid. If someone doesn't want to reassure you, that's a huge red flag
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Final notes
There are many "Doms" that are bad actors or abusers. They crave power over others not to seek out a mutual consensual fantasy, but because they want to stop other people from saying "No" to them, and have nonconsensual control over their life.
There are also many "subs" who are bad actors or abusers. Some are thrill seeking with little care for their own emotional or physical well-being, putting themselves and their dominant at risk by refusing to learn about safety or respect others boundaries. Some dehumanize Doms, essentially treating them like jerk off machine that doesn't have boundaries or feelings or require any effort.
Any standard you hold for yourself as a dominant, about consent, about boundaries, about safety, should also apply to any submissive you play with. No exceptions. Both Dominance AND submission need to be continuously earned, not given. If someone thinks otherwise...
pussy inspections where i hold her legs open and make her touch herself for me and every time she makes herself cum i stick my fingers in her to see if i think she's ready for me to fuck her yet. she's not, by the way. not yet. she's gonna need to give me one more, at least.
Being degraded can lead a submissive back into old feelings she never got to fully process, but this time in a safe and controlled space, with someone she trusts holding that container for her. Instead of running from those feelings the way she always has, she gets to face them on her own terms. She gets to choose it. And that choice alone starts to shift something deep because for the first time, she’s not the victim of those feelings. She owns them. The girl craving degradation is almost always the caretaker. The one holding everyone else together, managing everything, feeling everything but never letting it show. Sub space is the one place she finally gets to put all of that down. No armor, no responsibility, just freedom. That’s why it hits so deep.
But sub drop is the part nobody talks about enough. Right after a scene she feels incredible. The adrenaline, the oxytocin, the dopamine are all still flooding through her system. That part is beautiful. The problem comes later when those chemicals drop. It doesn’t happen every time, but when it does it’s worth understanding why. When those chemicals drop her brain can start replaying the words and the scene, and the more hardcore it was the heavier that replay can hit. Without the chemicals holding the context together, her brain starts receiving those words as literal truth. Not as a scene. Not as something she chose. Just as truth. The same words that felt like freedom start to feel like confirmation of something dark. That’s where the worthlessness sneaks in and when it hits, it hits hard. That’s exactly why aftercare isn’t just sweet, it’s neurologically necessary. It’s the intentional act of building her back up after breaking her down so her brain can actually close the loop. Without it the experience stays open, unresolved and what was meant to heal can quietly do the opposite.
That little "ahh fuck" men whisper under their breath when they can't believe how good it feels, and they're so close to cumming has me in a c h o k e h o l d
I see your whisper and raise you the tiniest little head shake and whimper escaping closed lips that women do as their orgasm is in the process of overwhelming them.
Lemme just say… this “online rape academy” news is fucked up. Without consent, this shit is abuse/assault and reprehensible. I want to be clear that what I like is consensual kink and NOT THAT.
If you follow me and think that’s fine, pack your bag and leave immediately.
