The Way I See It...

22. Carving my own way.

[cbearbones]

Running into 2015

Tonight. Tonight was emotional. The past few months, they've been emotional. Honestly, though, who's surprised? This is me we are talking about. 

Anyway. It's another Friday night at my parents. No plans because it's the holiday season and my girlfriends have boyfriends. My sister's on a date in the garage and my brothers... Well, they're just about as boyish as they come. So I crashed my parents date night. Drank some wine and watched The Holiday. 

For those of you who haven't seen The Holiday. It's the story of two women who are shattered by themselves, their lack of self esteem, and the love lives that have been circling the drain for years. I am quite the mix of Iris (Kate Winslet) and Amanda (Cameron Diaz). But Iris really hits home with me.

You see. Despite all the men that have walked in and out of my life. There has been one constant. One who's somehow manage to stick around. I don't know if that's because he wants to keep me around because he needs me or it's out of pity because I need him. Either way. I've let him keep me. Let him manipulate me.

I know. Manipulate. It sounds like a terrible word. But if you've seen The Holiday, you might be starting to understand. Iris. She dated a man. Actually and legitimately dated man for a period of time. Someone she worked with. She fell in love with him. Helped him further his career. Worship the ground he walked on. Bent over backwards to please him. Turns out he was seeing another woman. In the same company. Because he wanted to marry the other woman, he ended it with Iris. HOWEVER, not without continuing to twist and turn her emotions. Making her believe that it was her fault. Forcing her to stick around in his life. Using her at his convenience. Abusing her emotional health. Never allowing her to heal. This goes on for THREE GOD DAMN YEARS. You might think when you watch this film... "Good GOD girl pull it together. He's not worth it. He's never going to love you." Well... try being that girl...

I've bent over backwards. I've let him use me. I have tried to make our friendship a two way street. When in reality it's only been a one way street for a long time. He speaks when he needs me. He says the kind words when he wants me to fix him, when HE feels broken. My guy, he's never going to love me the way I love him. He's never going to be able to save me from the dark disappear he's pushed me into for ten years. Yup. You read that right ten. 

Now I understand, part of it's my fault. Pushing away the guys who could be promising. Hoping the guys who clearly weren't going to, would stick around. Forcing him into some kind of fast paced relationship because I'm ready to be that woman for someone. There is a good portion of my heart break that is on me. That doesn't mean he hasn't manipulated my emotions over the years.

I signed on to tumblr tonight, to vent. Because that's what I tend to do. And as you can see, I've vented. I am angry. I am, two months later, heartbroken at the fact my best friend won't even speak to me. Yet, will when it's convenient for him. That I can't understand why he won't love me. That he doesn't have the balls to have a conversation and just end everything we have. 

So I signed onto tumbr. Probably for the first time all year... Then I read my New Years Goals from the beginning of 2014. While I may be hurting, I realized something very important:

I have done close to everything on that list:

1. I did start going to the gym, I have learned to love running. I like to do my yoga and stretching. Then do strength training via planks, pushups, sit ups, and mountain climbers. I don't see a nutritionist, but I have held a solid 120 lbs all year (which is a first for me). I also eat regularly, and have gathered ideas for cooking. I didn't run a 5k, but I've trained for one. I'm running one for St. Patricks Day. 

2. I won't be going back to school... Until I have a clearer definition on what I want to go back for. That being said...

3. I got a better job. Not much better pay. I love it though, and there is so much opportunities for growth. 

4. I WENT TO PARIS. Which was amazing. Then traveled the entire length of Minnesota and North Dakota in 5 days. Many trips to portland have kept me sane. And in 3 weeks. I'm traveling to LA for a weekend get away. 

5. I did go on many 2nd dates. Some 3rd dates. But no 4th dates. Maybe next year will be my year. So long as I can let this darkness go. Every year though: I'm getting stronger.

6. I meet new people all the time and I've built relationships that have left a lasting impression. Sure most of them started with the employees of a bar. But I couldn't ask for better memories. 

7. I saved money up the wazzu! I am going to continue to save. Move out. live on a crummy budget. All while paying off my car, paying my phone bill, and feeding myself & my alcohol habit. 2015 may be tough to handle financially. But I think I got it down to a science. 

While this year may have been another year of broken hearts and lost a best friend of ten years. I have to look back on it and be proud. Because I accomplished so much for myself. I am stronger than I was at the beginning. My heart may not believe it, but it's getting there. It's hard to let someone go after so long.  Between the way he's treated me and the accomplishments I've made for myself and the fact that my faith is on my side: 

I. Am. Going. To. Conquer. MY. WORLD.

So bring it 2015, cause I'm ready to run. 

[cbearbones]

2014 Goals

So far, the New Year has been a weird place for me to be. It's my first year out of school. I'll be 23. I'm still single... Not that it's a bad thign since it's mostly my fault... but still, 2014 has been weird so far. 

Tonight I made a list of goals. Since I've read articles about being in your twenties and how relationships aren't everything and as a fellow twenty something I should just dive into life. So I made goals. 

1. Go to the gym, see a nutritionist, go to a yoga class, and train to run a 5K. 

2. Look into going back to school to study Public Relations

3. Look for a new job with better pay. 

4. Travel somewhere at least once on my own. 

5. Go on a 2nd, 3rd and 4th date with someone. Even if it doesn't work out. Stand up to the fear. 

6. Continue to be social and meet new people. 

7. Save money. 

[cbearbones]

The Way I See It

1. Wine can be a bitch of a drunk. 

2. Guys can throw you curve balls but you can't walk away because your sex life hasn't been better. 

3. Some bitches bangs can be ugly, and they still get a fuck ton of "likes" on facebook. Yeah, well fuck that. 

4. Parents can be the most obnoxious, annoying, rude people in your life. However, they still love you. 

5. You are strong. Stronger than anyone you know. And if this turns out in your favor, someone awesome could be coming along. 

[yourcoffeeguru]

[kaylalou-blog]

[cbearbones]

BAM, season opener. #killinit!

[cbearbones]

Why My Life is Awesome

On Sunday, the month of September began, which hopefully most of the world realized. However, the following Wednesday marked my first 4 weeks of being back in the Pacific Northwest. It's been an adjustment moving back in with my family of 6, but being back hasn't been as terrifying or awful or even close to being bad as I thought it would be. In fact, it's awesome. 

Shortly after I watched my friend enter the security line at Sea-Tac, I left feeling overwhelmed with emotions. Was I going to be able to get a job? Who would hire me? How was I supposed to make friends? How was I supposed to meet people in general? And most importantly, what in the world am I going to do the rest of my life? 

In order to put these questions at bay I went out and applied for jobs. For two days in a row I searched the help wanted ads, sifted through nwjobs.com, and handed my resume to any cafe and coffee shop within a 15 minute drive of my house. Still my time wasn't being filled. I found myself sitting at home, unpacking and reorganizing. Trying to carve a space in my house again, since it was clear I'd be here longer than my parents, my siblings, or myself wanted. I did anything and everything to keep myself occupied and away from those questions. 

I immediately reconnected with one of my best friends from high school. She frequented a local bar for their deals. The first night I was there it was surreal, there were far too many people I had recognized from high school, who clearly did not recognized me. Which I learned to be okay with. The girl that I was in high school is much different than the woman I've grown to be over the last four years. It was still weird to see old faces nonetheless. Since that first time though, I've gotten used to them. Sometimes, I laugh because they haven't seemed to change. They're still trying to live in "those days" and never really made the attempt to move on and grow up. I now have been back to the bar at least once or twice a week. And I love it. It's a night out with friends, which for me is rare, these days. 

I heard back from a few places about job offers right away. The first was a radio company who I started talking to back in the middle of July. I applied to be apart of their promotions team and their promotions coordinator told me to contact them in a couple weeks, they'd be hiring then. The second was a job at a coffee house. Which I thought I'd be excited for, but upon interviewing, then getting hired, and then working a shift I realized it wasn't the place for me. I wasn't meant to clean and close down every night, I was meant to interact with people. The second was a job for a temp agency. Again, I wasn't too thrilled but it was work right? The third was a cafe close to my house. The interview lasted two minutes and she offered me the job on the spot. I've now worked there almost two weeks and have meshed extremely well with the staff and management team. And I love it there. 

On Tuesday this week I had an interview with that radio company I mentioned earlier. Last week SHE contacted me, asking if I was still interested to send her a cover letter and resume. Of course I was, I nailed my interview and was offered the job before 9 a.m. the next morning. I had an out for the coffee shop I wasn't happy at AND was employed at a respected radio company in the area. I'm about to get my foot in the door of Seattle's entertainment business. 

I also applied for three different internships with the 5th Avenue Theatre. A local, nationally respected, musical theatre company. Today I received an email from their Company Management team to schedule an interview the first week of October. I never thought I'd come close to qualifying for the company management internship... and now I'm scheduling and interview for it! I'm beyond set for jobs right now, even more set than I ever though possible after four weeks. 

Did I mention it's only been FOUR weeks since I've been back? FOUR WEEKS! And I haven't even gotten to the part that has made me smile every single day for the last week and a half. 

In hopes to meet people, I decided to give Ok Cupid a try. I made a profile, kept it short and simple but as honest as possible. Added real photos. I never thought I'd use it that often (cause I do that sort of thing, making profiles and then never using them). But I did it anyway. Some of the guys who messaged me caught my eye, others I could tell wanted one thing and one thing only. I was smart enough though to weed through and never hand out my number unless I really wanted to meet the guy. 

I got this message one night from a guy who actually started a conversation with me, not the typical "hey whats up" or the long drawn out "I find you so interesting" sort of message. His line was "Hey I see you'll try anything once..." (which he was right, that literally is stated in my profile) "Have you ever been skydiving? If not you should try it." It caught my eye, Skydiving. I wonder what would happen if I said I had, and probably the same sequence of events.  

I look at his profile, find out he's a video game producer, Minnesota born and raised, moved to Seattle, about the same time I got back. Minnesota? I was even more interested. That first night we talked until 1:30 in the morning. By that time I was exhausted, worked early the next morning, but I knew I didn't want things to end there. So I took a leap of faith and left him with my phone number saying we should grab drinks. 

The next morning I woke up to a text from him and we talked every day since. On Monday we went out for the first time, and it was the best first date a girl could ask for. Never a lull in conversation and I never once felt uncomfortable around him. Within those few hours of meeting me for the first time he could tell without a doubt when my wheels were turning and I was starting to get scared. And he always stopped whatever we were doing and made me tell him what I was worrying about. He's attractive, charming, nerdy, smart, kind, sweet, and makes me smile. 

We're seeing each other again on Sunday, and I can't wait. In the past I never got my hopes up when it comes to relationships (DTRed or not, [and we are not in a relationship, we're just seeing each other/hanging out whatever, I don't foresee us DTRing for a little while]). But he makes me want to let go of the pain and hurt I've experienced over the years.

I want to love myself and believe in myself. I'm beginning to see that I am an awesome person and I have nothing to apologize for. 

Maybe that's partly from meeting him but it could also be my career skyrocketing from the start. Sure, I live with my parents who got to sleep by 9 p.m., my sister who's the queen varsity soccer player, my brother who's the baby. (and my other brother who'll be going back to college at the end of the month). But my career is starting off without a hitch, my friends care about me, and my love life isn't horrid. 

Did I mention I've only been back for four weeks? Life awesome and I cannot wait to see where it goes. 

[yourcoffeeguru]

[cbearbones]

Halloween is sooner than we think.

There's this holiday coming up. It's called Halloween. 

and I have no idea what I'm going to be. The idea list thus far:

1. Sexy Sandy (you know, the "You're the One That I Want" Sandy)

2. FDNY Firefighter. (I'm thinking black shorts with gold ribbon on the side, a blue tshirt with the logo and FDNY on the back, and of course red suspenders, black boots. 

But I need more ideas. 

[cbearbones]

Even in a room full of hundreds of people, a person just feels lonely.

Harper Grey

[cbearbones]

Forever the sister. Never the lover.

Unknown

[cbearbones]

Sometimes, a person is just alone in the world.

[cbearbones]

SM: We're just lighting designers and stage managers.

LD: That's like saying we're just God and God's light.

[artemischasma]

[strong-and-stronger]

THIS IS NOT RELATED TO MY BLOG AND I AM SORRY BUT I CANNOT SCROLL PAST SHELDON AS DR. FRANKENFURTER

[livingforthe-city-blog]

OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING

[cbearbones]

Fantasy love is much better than reality love. Never doing it is very exciting. The most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet.

Andy Worhol

[cbearbones]

I have to believe in soul mates. I'm too stubborn and fearful not to believe the person who captivates me is meant to be with me.

Harper Grey

[cbearbones]

28 days until Graduation. 

23 days until my best friend moves. 

21 days until finals are done.

18 days until classes finish.

10 official days of class. 

Just keep swimming, swimming swimming. 

[cbearbones]

Conceptual, artistic, coffee drinkin, home body.