Maddie wraps her hands a little tighter around the mug, relishing in the slight burning sensation against her palms. Buck is talking excitedly about the weekend he’d just spent away with Taylor and he’s smiling and he’s so full of joy and she wants to listen to him but her mind won’t turn off. Her head is spinning, still reeling from the news she had gotten barely five minutes before her brother had knocked the door.
Any other time, she loves it when he unexpectedly turns up, so they can catch up face to face. They are both busy with work and she has Jee-Yun and Chimney and he has Taylor, so whilst these moments are even harder to capture these days, that just makes them even more special. Her brother is happy and she wants to relish in that with him, she can see how he’s smiling and she tries to focus on the words coming out of his mouth but her eyes are drawn to her eighteen month old daughter sitting in her highchair, happily munching away on the cupcake her uncle had brought for her.
She loves her daughter, she loves being a mom but the journey hasn't been easy. Being pregnant during a pandemic had come with it’s own fears and downfalls - the fact that Buck couldn’t be physically present for half of her pregnancy and the first month of Jee-Yun’s life had been just one of the many things on the long list of things she wishes could have been different. Maddie had always thought about having two children, or more because she loves being a big sister, she had loved growing up with Daniel and then Buck. She doesn’t know who she would be had she never had the chance to be a sister. But then came the depression, the months she had spent living in a fog, thinking that her daughter, her partner, even her brother, everyone would be better off without her. She couldn’t see her way out of it for so long until she finally asked for help.
That path hadn’t been a simple or an easy one to walk, not for any of them. All she had ever wanted to be for as long as she could remember was a good mother, but that desire was something she had pushed down when she was married because the thought of bringing a child into that relationship had been terrifying. It was why the guilt had hit so hard when she could finally see through that thick fog because she had everything, she had a supportive partner and a loving family, she was happy and everything felt as though it was falling apart.
She’s better now, Jee-Yun will never remember those months she had spent struggling or the time they had spent together in an inpatient unit, trying to rewire her mind and her heart to know that her daughter wasn’t crying because of her. And now she’s eighteen months old and she’s thriving and Maddie and Chimney are the happiest they have ever been. Life is good right now, they’ve finally saved up enough money for a deposit on a house, the apartment is mostly just boxes right now and this was meant to be the next chapter in their life and this feels like a huge hurdle.
What if it happens again? What if this time she can’t pull herself out of that dark place?
“Are you okay?”
Maddie watches as her daughter smushes some of the icing between her hands, squealing as she does. She’s happy and she has to keep reminding herself of that fact. Her little Jee is loved and healthy, so full of joy and she is just so perfect, so incredibly perfect. She’d be a wonderful big sister and two years was a great age gap but two years is also enough time that she’ll know now if Maddie changes, if she becomes the ghost of herself that she had been when she was only a few months old.
“Hey, Mads, what’s going on?”
It’s not until her brother is standing next to her, gently pulling the mug from her grasp that she even realises he’s stopped talking about his mini vacation in the first place. His blue eyes are full of concern and it’s enough to cause the tears to spill over as she looks at him. She hasn’t told Chimney, the thought had only occurred to her whilst she was on her way back home from her usual walk home from the park with her daughter. He was on shift and the only reason Buck is sitting in their apartment right now and not with him at the station is because he’d taken a few extra days off for once, still basking in the glow of post-vacation haze.
The words tumble from her lips before she can stop them, needing to get them out as they weigh so heavily on her chest. It’s been half an hour or so since she had held two pregnancy tests in her hands, hiding in the bathroom as she had listened to her little girl babbling along to the television just a few feet away. “I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do.” She doesn’t understand because she and Chimney have been careful and she knows that birth control isn’t always one hundred percent effective but right now, she finds herself reeling in that knowledge because they haven’t even talked about having a second child. What if Chimney hates the idea? She wasn’t the only one who had suffered the effects of some of the darkest months of their relationship, he’d been on the outside looking in and she knew how helpless he had felt and how hard he tried to balance work, her and Jee-Yun.
The tension eases just a little when Buck wraps both of his arms around her, pulling her into him, immediately wrapping both of hers around his waist. She can feel the beating of his heart against her cheek as she presses her face into his chest, closing her eyes in an attempt to stop the tears from falling. She wants to be happy, she wants to be as happy in this moment as she was when she had been holding two pregnancy tests in her hands as Chimney wrapped his arms around her just over two years ago. They hadn’t been trying then, either but their daughter was the best thing that had ever happened to her and she knows this baby can be, too but she’s terrified.
“It’s gonna be okay,” Maddie listens as her brother repeats that, trying to let it settle in her heart because she knows that he’s right. No matter what the universe tries to throw their way, she and Chimney always get through it in the end. The path to where they were right now had been exhausting and the burden had been crushing at times but if she had to do it again if it were the only way she would get everything she has right now. A beautiful partner who loves and respects her, her little brother back in her life, a job she adores, people who bring her joy every single day and most of all, her beautiful baby girl.
It’s with a deep, trembling breath that she pulls back, laughing a little when her brother wipes away the tears that have made tracks down her cheeks. “Does Chimney know?” It’s with a sniff that she shakes her head, looking over at her daughter with a forced smile when she lets out a scream in an attempt to gather the attention of the two adults in the room who weren’t looking her way. “You should talk to him, Maddie, I know you’re scared… I know a lot happened during her pregnancy and after but you got through it and you’ll get through it again if you have to. At least we know now, right? You’ll get help sooner if you need it and Jee will have a little brother running around.”
He always knows how to make her laugh, even when she thinks the world is falling down around her, smiling at him, “They might be a girl, you know. Chimney would love that, he’d love it either way…” God, she hopes he would love the thought of having another baby with her because it’s happening and the more she thinks about it, the more her heart starts to settle to the idea. She loves him and he loves her and they love their little girl, so they’ll love this little baby, too. And her brother is right, they know now what had happened and what could happen, they know the warning signs now and maybe it could be okay. Maybe it’s not always the worst case scenario.
Her brother is grinning now, cupping either side of her face and all that tension finally eases at the tears sparkling in his blue eyes, “Congratulations, you and Chimney are amazing parents and Jee-Yun is going to be an amazing big sister because she will learn from the best.” Buck has this power to make her feel better about the things that she spirals the most about - her failure as a partner to Chimney, as a mother, as a sister, even as a daughter. He’s been her biggest cheerleader from the moment he was old enough to talk and her biggest protector, too.
“Thank you, you’re a really good brother.” It’s not the first time she’s said that to him but she can see how the reinforcement settles deep within him and he beams at her, the joy exuding from him before he steps back and turns towards his niece. As good a brother he is, he’s ten times as good an uncle - her daughter looks at him in complete awe every single time and right now is no different as she lifts up both of her arms for him with an excited squeal. Maddie watches as he unstraps her and then lifts her up from the chair, paying no attention to the fact her hands and face are completely covered in cake and icing.
“Now, what do you say we plan the best pregnancy reveal in the next eight hours before Chimney walks through that door? Like Hen always says… we celebrate every good moment, when we can and this is a good moment, I know it.” She wants to believe it but she’s not sure she will until she sees Chimney’s smile and feels his arms wrapped around her one more time. But for now, listening to her brother list all of the possible things they can do to surprise Chimney when he comes home, whilst he holds her daughter in his arms, it’s enough to ease that fear that had been so prevalent from the second she had walked out of that bathroom door. This is good news, they are going to bring another little Han into the world; maybe a little boy with Chimney’s eyes and her nose and Jee-Yun would get to experience all the joy that comes with being a big sister.
“How do you feel about balloon arches?” She looks at her brother with a raised eyebrow, shaking her head, it’s going to be a long eight hours.
WOW! ❤❤❤ This was incredible. So many emotions in this and I am still in awe of your ability to write their feelings and love as siblings. Also how you described Maddie's feelings was amazing. It was as if I could feel and sense her fear, given her experience. I can picture this happening on the show because of how well you have written this. Just amazing 🥰🥰🥰
"Now, Ms Buckley and Mr Han, would you like to know the gender?"...
*the angst train cho cho mothertruckers*
"Are you feeling alright Mads?"
"Yea, everything's fine."
Maddie forced a smile, only the slight tremour in her fingers giving away her true feelings. She had been sent home early from the call centre yesterday after she had fainted, and abdominal pain had plagued the rest of her afternoon. Josh had urged her to tell Chimney, give him a heads up in case it was something more sinister, and she had promised to, but seeing his face light up with glee the moment she had welcomed him in, she couldn't bring herself to drop the bomb. Besides, they had an appointment tomorrow, and all her concerns would be quietened.
So that's where they were now, sitting in the waiting room, listening out for their names.
"Maddie Buckley and Howard Han?"
Chimney practically leap from his seat, offering a hand to Maddie, who took it, following slightly behind.
"You know the drill Ms Buckley."
The procedure was the same as it had been for the past 2 appointments, and soon the cool gel was spread across Maddie's abdomen, sonographer watching the screen as she moved the wand over her stomach. The smile slowly faded from the sonographer's face, Maddie's eyes desperately searching for any sign of recognition, but nothing.
"Is, is there something wrong with the baby doc, what's going on?"
Chimney's gaze flicked between Maddie, the sonographer and the screen, trying his best to identify the situation.
"No, Mr Han, there's nothing wrong with the baby, in fact, Ms Buckley, they seem to be in excellent health."
Maddie felt the panic leave her body, and relief swamped her, squeezing Chimney's hand as he watched on in confusion.
"They?"
The sonographer nodded, and it clicked. They. She hadn't been referring to Maddie and the baby, she had meant...
"Yes, they. Twins, in fact, both in wonderful health, growing normally and well on their way to be perfect little newborns."
The pure bliss on Chimney's face was hard to miss, tearing up slightly at the news.
"Twins?" His voice peaked slightly as he swallowed back his tears of joy. "We're having twins!"
"Now, Ms Buckley and Mr Han, would you like to know the gender?"
Thank you for being my lifeline over the past 12 months or so. I don't know how I could have made it through without your constant love and support. Thank you for putting up with all my fic prompts, obsession with all things Madney and all my crazy theories. What a ride it's been! You are the light that we all need in this world 🌻 Thank you for being YOU!
I hope your birthday is filled with all the amazing and special things and that all your wishes come true.
Caught up with yesterday's ep, missing maddie, but a nice light hearted episode overall! What did you think? This must be the perfect job for jlh tbh - something regular, but not too much commitment. I wonder if she negotiated to only do a certain amount of episodes/days.
It was nice! I am a little bitter that we’ve had two jokey episodes in a shorter season but what can you do?!
Probably! And especially with the pandemic. It’s hard to integrate Maddie into the things the 118 do!
She is mentioned in both synopsises coming up though so 😅 just a little worried!
Hmm, the synopsis says “Maddie struggles with adjusting to motherhood.”
In an interview, Jen has also said when asked what’s best for Maddie, “... what it’s like to bring home things that you do during the day, and then see that little beautiful, sweet baby.”
Also “mainly what people will see is her returning to work at the call centre and learning how to balance work and bring a new mother and the joy and the toll that takes. We always play things real on this show.”
.... so my current suspicion is something happens at work, whether it’s hearing the shooting or something specifically with a baby/child/mother that triggers something in Maddie that she might not deal with in the best way. Maybe because Chimney is traumatised from being shot at she doesn’t want to “burden” him with her own issues so she keeps it inside and then makes this “life changing decision” next week 👀 which I’m 99% sure is her quitting her job.
I also read that post partum depression is actually more common around the 3-4 month mark and maybe coming out of the pandemic and not being able to see and do things any other new mother would have been been able to do pre-pandemic, whilst also working and maybe feeling anxious about whether she’s doing the right thing for her daughter by working during a pandemic? But I don’t think 911 will go that way without building it up first and what we’ve seen of her the past few weeks she’s been fairly settled? I don’t think they’d hit us in the final two episodes? Basically I don’t know I am spiralling.
I love you. Have a great first day. requested by anonymous
gifset of a scene from 911, season 4 episode 10 Parenthood. Maddie and Chimney are in their apartment. Maddie is folding Jee-Yun’s clothes while Chimney is getting ready for work. Maddie is wearing a brown v-neck sweater. Chimney is wearing a blue button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up.
gif 1: Maddie is at the kitchen counter folding Jee-Yun’s clothes. While she fiddles with a shirt in her hand, she says to Chimney, who is off screen, “You look really handsome for your first day back. Sexy too.”
gif 2: Chimney takes a couple of steps towards Maddie with his duffel in his hand. He stops and says, “Well, you’re gonna have to hold that thought. There’s nothing we can do about it while we’re out here sleeping on an air mattress.“
gif 3: While Maddie is folding a shirt, Chimney walks across the screen towards the door. Maddie says, “Yeah, I love you. Have a great first day.”
gif 4: Chimney opens the door and then looks back at Maddie and replies, “Love you, too. And text me if [Jee-Yun] does anything cute.“
gif 5: Maddie shakes her head and gestures with her hand while saying “Oh, okay, so like every other minute?
gif 6: Chimney smiles and says, “exactly” and then shuts the door.
gif 7: Maddie smiles and looks down while she finishes folding the shirt she was holding.
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