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[ccoolthings-1]

i just turned 24 i still dont know what im doing with my life

kill me

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John Berkey

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From “Commercial Interiors International” (1986)

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f(x) DC

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Untitled 1939

Pablo Picasso

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Takato Yamamoto , Death and a Maiden

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[ccoolthings-1]

i doubt anybody will read this, i dont care if anybody does I moved out of Long Island about 4 months ago to live in Brooklyn to be closer to school. This has always been my dream. Graduate community college, go to a good art school and live in Brooklyn, but that was all I ever really planned for myself. I didn’t think about the expenses or the ramifications of the plan, I just know that it was what I wanted and reality has set in.

There was nothing particularly wrong with Long Island, just living made me feel trapped. As if it was somehow detached from everything else in the world. In my sheltered upbringing, I could only watch as my peers went off to see and do things I only dreamed of. It left me feeling unfulfilled, as if there was a part of my youth that I never enjoyed. The only joy was in the few friends I managed to keep close, the ones who didn’t abandon me for arbitrary reasons, but this feeling of unfilfilment needed to change, I just wanted a change.

I pictured living here in such a fantastic way. I imagined going to classes by night, and setting off into the “Scene”, if you will. I was blinded by the lights of the music venues, the streetlights and the boutiques, thinking that I could be a part of it all, that I could live that bohemian life and do something fulfilling, but none of that happened

To make it in the city you need three things, talent, charisma and money, I have none. I haven’t made a single friend here, I’m barely hanging on when it comes to finance, putting my parents and myself in debt, and the competition is fierce. 

I don’t know what I left, everything was great in Long Island, the few friends I had loved me, I had everything right in my lap.

I’ve just been coasting through life, never worrying about anything, I assuming I always make it out in the end, but now I feel like I’m going to crash. I’m going to be 24 years old this coming year, having graduated high school 6 years ago with nothing to show for it. I never had an actual plan, I just imagine everything working out fine, without thinking how I’ll actually pull it off. I never made a plan because I never wanted a plan. I hate this idea of having to “do something” with your life. I hate how I have to somehow contribute to society, I just want to do things on my terms, the way I want them to be.

I just want to live my life and be happy and not worry about the world.