They all sound good, but the toaster teleporter intrigues me (btw, you can call me Dia! pronouns she/her).
cecelia can be kind of a dick to me sometimes and i do stupid shit while tired, yeah? so one day, 4:12AM on a sunday, i said to myself: "i, a physicist, am going to break the laws of physics."
so i drew up some hasty blueprints, and i scribbled out some equations and i texted sugar telling them not to go into my lab and to keep the neighbors out of my business (honestly fuck you charity, i don't want your shitty meatloaf and i don't give a fuck that david doesn't like you. bye.)
sugar only stopped by in the few weeks that i was working to drop off pieces of scrap metal. which led to the toasters. cecelia apparently decided that the toaster was a chew toy, apparent by the gnaw marks on the wire.
so me, being a Certified Dumbass With An IQ Of 198, decided: let's melt these fuckers into a Molten Toaster.
megalatoaster, if you will.
so i did. i called up my college buddy (who now is an engineer) and we melted some fuckin toasters.
then cecelia's cult came into play.
just as i had formed the very quick and very shitty base structure of the teleporter, which was essentially a two-story circle, cecelia popped in and said "oh its free real estate"
i was kind of pissed ngl. i worked my ass off melting down stupid toasters while sugar laughed at me and cecelia wasn't gonna ruin this, okay? she wasn't.
so i reluctantly made the original structure into a hamster cage-like-thing which is basically just like?? a dollhouse?? with an open back of glass and shit, perfectly safe i assure you.
but every time. every time i would go down into my lab and flick on the bad fluorescent lights, i would see it. MEGALATOASTER. (it has to be bolded and capitalized, you see. it's important.)
so I Did It. i spent the next week taking the small toasters and slowly adding More Toaster until i could beat it into a vague toaster shape. then i got the bright idea to commission my good old buddy pal (named socks, he's a cool man. drinks that spicy hot sauce shit straight from the bottle. it's admirable.) to make me one of those epic music box things.
and we programmed it to play MEGALOVANIA.
so when the day finally arrived, i was ECSTATIC. i will finally be able to pull off the ultimate joke that my sleep deprived mind could come up with.
sugar was anxious all day, claiming "I have a very bad feeling about this. Very bad. Very, very, bad and quite possibly catastrophic."
so i gently told him, y'know, sit down i'll bring you a tea and toast.
instead what i did was bring them tea and a GIANT ASS TOASTER.
i could see the sins crawling over sugar's back, begging to be put into words but clearly fighting against his better instinct of Not Indulging Red.
until finally, the holy words came.
and i just grinned and flicked a button and then. and THEN.
pausing, sweating and scared, i turned to sugar who immediately evacuated the house with our valuables in tow. thankfully, only the living room exploded.
everyone was a-okay, except maybe charity because apparently her shed was destroyed in the fire.
it didn't help that my first words were "well at least your whole house ain't toast, huh?"
it was the best day of my entire fuckin' life.
((i later remade the blueprints and the teleporter. it didn't work of course, but it looks cool as hell in my lab.))
(((i told sugar the jokes later and we agreed that if i ever tried to remake MEGALATOASTER that they'd pretend to be surprised, for my sake.)))
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