Broken Perfection

The world is a horribly beautiful place...tragically lovely in every way💔❤️

[celestialpsycho1]

I met someone on May 22, 2021. I never thought such a tiny being could hold such a special place in my heart. The moment I laid eyes on her, I knew we were connected. She’s so special to me. I love her. There’s a possibility she might be my spirit baby. There’s just too many coincidences. She has to be something to me. I remembered the whole ordeal with the pen and I just can’t help but think she’s tied in some way. I had a dream about her. She was 2 or 3. She was healthy and normal. She was smiling. I remembered her mom saying, “wow, I’ve never seen her smile so much before.” I carried her in my arms and said “don’t you know what she is? She’s an angel.” I can’t stop thinking about her. I read her future through the tarot cards and got exactly what I was expecting. 6 of swords, which means transition, change. Meaning she WILL get better. I want to take care of her, at least for one day. Maybe during the summer. I know her parents must need a break. I’ll see what I can do. But until then, I’ll be here just pondering what the meaning of all this is.

May 26, 2021

[celestialpsycho1]

Fuck. You.

[celestialpsycho1]

A letter to my love...a love that never was.

[celestialpsycho1]

You know what gets me fired up? Like REALLY fucking pissed off? Entitled people. They think they can dance their pretty asses around and get whatever the fuck they want with just a wave of a finger. You are nothing special. You weren’t even CHOSEN. You had to ASK. How fucking stupid do you feel? Knowing that you weren’t wanted? I can’t believe she added you. I would’ve kicked you to the fucking curb. I really don’t know what he sees in you. Really. You are a bland, spineless, person with no personality. You leech off of other people. You’re jealous of everything you don’t have and that’s why you will never be good enough. God I hate you. I hate you so much. I wish I could punch you in the fucking face and beat the shit out of you. Learn some fucking respect. She’s the fucking bride, not you. You weren’t chosen for a reason dumbass. Read the fucking room. No one wants you. But I have to suck it up, be a hypocrite and put up with you. Why? Because if the bride is willing to, I have to. I have no say in this because I KNOW MY PLACE. Stupid bitch.

[celestialpsycho1]

At this point, my stomach is just a burden to my body.

[celestialpsycho1]

Ugh!!!!!! I’m so SICK of being SICK!!!! My stomach has GOT to GO!!!!!!

[celestialpsycho1]

So nervous for this stupid exam. Ugh. I’m in the Doctor’s office and I’m literally up to the roof with my nerves. I took a stomach pill and an anxiety pill. I should be okay in a bit. Just the anticipation is killer.

[celestialpsycho1]

I’m in a trance ; a lovely, lovely trance. That’s the effect you have on me, my love. I’d go days without sleep just to hear you sing. You bring out the best in me. When I look at you, it’s like looking at pure joy. I’m in love with you. I’ve never known a love like this. A love so pure and so raw. You are my sunshine. You move mountains with your voice. You are powerful and strong. You have no idea, the impact you have on me. I’m a better person because of you. I feel like there’s a possibility that with you, I could be whole again. I haven’t been whole in years. You are my home. Your voice is like the rain on a cloudy autumn evening ; welcomed. You are welcome here. You’re always welcome here.

July 28, 2020

[celestialpsycho1]

There are days when I feel that me and my body are getting along...but most days it’s the opposite. Today is one of the days where I absolutely hate the way my body looks. God, it’s just so fucking hard to get along with my body. I know it’s gotten me through some really tough times but it’s just not enough of an excuse anymore. I have so many ailments and illnesses that you’d think I’d look a certain way. But I don’t. It gets to the point where I refuse to look in a mirror. I’m so ugly. When I can’t take at least one good selfie out of hundreds of tries, you know it’s bad. I don’t hate myself. I don’t love myself either. But I hate my body. I wish I could be one of those people that spread body positivity, but I can’t. I envy my cousins. I envy my family. Why did my genes have to be so different? We share the same blood. Why did I come out looking like this? Why couldn’t I look like them? I have the most beautiful mother in the world. People say I look just like her. I WISH I could even have a fraction of her beauty. God gave me the gift of style and makeup skills. If it weren’t for that, I don’t know what I’d do. People would have to see how ugly I really am, I guess. When I put on makeup and fancy clothes, I feel like I’m wearing a costume, complete with the mask. Everyone sees the disguise. No one sees the girl inside. The absolute pain I get when I have to take everything off. The reality I have to face of how I look. It’s just so exhausting.

[celestialpsycho1]

I am angry. I am hurt. I am sick. I am disgusted. I can’t even describe the feeling that I have. This country deserves to rot in hell. The president deserves to rot in hell. I don’t know what can be done to reverse this. It’s irreversible. This has gone on for too long. Enough is enough. My tears have not dried from grieving. I am mourning the country. Please, stop. You are hurting this country more. Instead of giving us words of wisdom, all you can think about is your greed and destruction. You’re soul is gone. It’s been gone for years. How dare you call yourselves human? How dare you call yourselves people. The world is sick. It’s dying right before our eyes. We try and we try to help it back up but people like you keep tearing us down! What are we supposed to do? How are we supposed to heal from this mess? What have we done to deserve this? All we have given is love. All we have wanted was equality and freedom. All we wanted was peace. What do we get in return? Violence. Guns. The cold hard fist of authority. I am sick and tired of seeing the same thing over and over. You do this to one person, you do this to all of us. Change must happen. We shall overcome. There will be triumphant protests. Things will get better. They have to.

[celestialpsycho1]

May 10 2020

I fell in love. No, really. I just suddenly got smacked with it. I wasn’t asking for it. Didn’t see it coming. Never even seen the guy until today. I’m just completely in love. This has only happened to me once before.

I’m not sure where this was but I know it was a beach pier of sorts. It was probably a couple of years ago...I was maybe 15-16? Anyway, we were walking down the pier and I saw a normal looking family. But one of them was pushing a wheelchair. It wasn’t until I saw who was in the wheelchair that I froze where I was standing. I was absolutely taken aback. I had never felt such strong emotion for someone so quickly. It was love at first sight. He was wearing all black and he was wearing dark ray bans. I could’ve married him right on the spot. But as soon as I saw him, he left. And I’d never felt so strongly so quickly...until today.

I was scrolling through Instagram when I saw that Coldplay was doing a livestream. I decided to keep watching. They had a guest tuning in to join them. When I saw him, I swear to you, my heart stopped. I felt the exact same way I felt all those years ago. And you know what the weirdest part is? These two guys who seemingly stole my heart- look almost identical. Could it be that I found my soulmate? Is that what it is? Is this what it feels like to literally fall in love? It feels as if the universe stopped. It’s incredible.

His name is Jacob Collier. He’s 25 and he’s British. He’s an absolute genius. He’s a musical prodigy. He’s not in a wheelchair. Wouldn’t it be weird if it was the same person? But I doubt it. Fate doesn’t directly touch someone more than once. And in a span of a few years. I just wanted to write this moment down so I could remember it forever. I don’t ever want to forget this feeling.

[cellifishie]

Djesseeeeee!! 

[celestialpsycho1]

Love this !!!

[paprikapeprica]

Jacob Collier! 

[celestialpsycho1]

I am entranced. I am under a spell. I don’t know how I fell so easily. My heart doesn’t cave in at first glance. I learned to keep my heart locked up the hard way. I’ve always liked to think people aren’t the cruel monsters that I’ve known them to be. It’s hard to gain my trust. But I fell. This time, I fell hard and unexpectedly. It was suicide. I jumped. He caught me. I wasn’t even expecting him. How could I? I didn’t even know he existed about an hour ago. But, as soon as I laid eyes on him, my heart knew. It just knew what kind of man he was. Before even I could find out. I spent hours on end learning about him. Researching him, finding what makes him tick. Why did my heart choose him? There has to be a reason. I looked at him from an outsider’s perspective, and I see a man, skinny, pale, nerdy, ordinary. I don’t see anything special about him, apart from the fact that he’s British. But then I looked at him through my heart’s perspective, and he’s everything I’ve ever wanted. He makes me feel safe and secure. He just gives off an aura of certainty and comfort. He’s a beautiful, pure soul. I’ve never encountered anyone or anything like that in my life. I completely fell in love with him from the moment I saw him. It was overwhelming. It took over me like a plague. I couldn’t escape it. There was nowhere to run but to him. I’ve never fallen so hard so fast. I could’ve sworn my heart stopped beating for a millisecond. I’m done for. I’m a victim of love. I’ve finally found you. My perfect soulmate.

[tomhiddletson]

“Because our abilities don’t fit in the outside world, we live in places like this where no one can find us.”

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children (2016)

[kathudsonart]

Here’s a piece I started before Kyle’s death. I haven’t felt much like drawing lately, which is really strange for me. I decided to bit the bullet and go ahead and finish it. I think it turned out well.

[newtemotions]

Bonfire 2.0  +   In The Mood For Love lines