@certified-nimrod - Tumblr Blog

my perfect crime? I memorize the entirety of the macy’s store inventory. I then go on aliexpress.com and find exact replicas of every single purse in the store. I break in at 3am, and replace every purse with a cheaper version of the purse. I take my real purses home and open up an online store on the darknet featuring fake purses. I then sell these real purses as fake purses, making it so that when the feds catch on to my antics, they spend countless years trying to figure out who can replicate purses this well, and who is selling them. Soon an entire division of the FBI is dedicated to finding me and figuring out how my “fake” purses appear to be real. 45 years later they finally trace my ip address and break into my villa in texas and shoot me right in the leg when i attempt to flee. While this would normally not be a fatal wound, due to my constant devotion to my online fake real purse storefront i have suffered an iron deficiency for 35 years. My blood can’t clot and I start to bleed out. Turns out the woman who shot me was a girl who i made out with once in college, and she holds my dying body in her arms and asks me how my fake purses were so real. I spend the last moments of my fleeting life telling her about how every five years i break into a different Macy’s and replace all the purses, and that the purses I have been selling online for a severely discounted price were actually all real, and I have been doing this purely for the gag of it all. When my former college girlfriend gets home from work after rightfully murdering me for my crimes, she goes into her walk in closet, looks at the 13 gucci purses she owns, and realizes that they’re all fakes.

youstoodmeupforayardsale-mo-blog

this passed the bechdel test

I was not ready

@relatable-ram

Me: *clicks video* “The hell is all this abou-”

*whistling starts*

Me:

norithics

I love this stupid fucking meme

with-practice

themotivationjournals

You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.

Anonymous (via themotivationjournals)

997

karma got its kiss for me……. thats 2017 in one video

mentakill

this is performance art

greentracksuitgohan-deactivated

This is the millennial experience

unfollowfriday

i’m her imaginary bald spot

thepleasuregoblin

You can say a lot of things about Skyrim’s writing but “My ancestors are smiling at me, Imperial. Can you say the same?” is a raw fucking thing to say when you’re about to be killed

wordsnquotes

You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy.

Andrea Gibson (via wordsnquotes)

thequotejournals

Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but ‘Mom’s’ probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.

Kalyn RoseAnne (via wordsnquotes)

Jesus fucking christ