Pessimisticity isn't living @certifiedbamf - Tumblr Blog

Well, I've opened Tumblr. Guess I have some things to write down again.

[12DEC2021; 2045PST]

It sure has been awhile since I've opened up this app. Literally had to sign in again because I got a new phone. Anyway I'm here and I guess it's been over a year since the last time I wrote one of these...rants? Yeah a rant, I guess. Decided to change my profile picture on here because holy shit was it cringe. I don't ever read my old posts because: 1 - they're very long & 2 - they're just probably super sad boy shit and, unfortunately, probably still relevant despite the passage of time.

Basically, I don't really know what's going on. For the past, I don't know, 3 months or so I've just been going with the flow. No real goal set. No real plans to do anything. Just taking things as they come and rolling with them. In hindsight, I shouldn't have done this. I became complacent and sometimes just straight up lazy. I should've spent my time better. Spent it doing something that might actually have a net positive rather than just breaking even or just below that. I don't know. I won't say it was a waste of time because I definitely learned a good amount in the last few months. But time is valuable and finite. Sure I learned stuff but had I actually spent some time thinking about what to do rather than just agreeing to things off the cuff I might be in a much better position right now. Mentally and physically. Story of my life. No way this is the first time I've mentioned something about spending time doing something better or differently. I swear to myself I've changed and yet here I am on Tumblr complaining about the same thing again, probably.

But this time it's especially bad. I'm deploying in about a month. I'll be gone for 5 months. Very far away from everyone. I won't be in any danger or anything but it'll truly feel lonely there. Especially since it's winter. My barber (who's Korean) tells me the winters in South Korea are brutal. Which means I'll probably be confined quite a bit. COVID restrictions are rough too so, yeah, lots of doing nothing. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about it. I'll get to do some stuff, probably. But, at the end of the day, there's nobody. There won't be anybody for me back here either. I won't even have a place to live, literally (that's an easy problem to solve though).

It really just comes down to that. I've got this big thing coming up and I didn't spend my time here the way I really wanted to. Of course, I'm realizing this now. Typical me. Realizing mistakes after the fact. A day late and a dollar short.I know it's not forever but the big bummer is going to be coming back to nothing but the same sad rigamarole. I could've used that wasted time on something that could've made me happy...in the long run.

{For you}

I don't know if you'll ever see this but I know there was a time or two in the past where you brought up my Tumblr. So, on the off chance that you happen to read this, I just have a few things to say.

There isn't a day that goes by where you aren't on my mind. That probably sounds like bullshit and you have every right to think that but it's the truth. I don't know what happened. We were talking all the time. Every day. Had a big Snap streak and everything and I just...stopped. I don't get it. That was...months ago? I haven't reached out to you since and it's mostly because I feel like I'm the last person you want to talk to. You can't be happy with me. I'm not happy with me. I haven't moved on to anyone else. I haven't just stopped caring about you. I haven't stopped loving you. I'm just lost, I guess. Only I know that. And, well, now I guess you do too. I do a pretty good job at making people think I'm fine but my mind is like a dumped out file cabinet and I keep trying to organize the things that don't really matter. Anyway, I don't know what else to say. I miss you a lot and I miss talking to you....I felt like I had you for a bit there. Then I...got scared or something. I don't know. I'm just an idiot. You were the best I've ever had.

It's your birthday soon. I'm going to ball up and at least wish you a happy birthday. But...I want to talk to you again.

I’m literally sweating

[05JUN2020; 2339]

Well, that’s it. I made it out of tech school. Yeah after all this time, after DLI and now weather, I did it. Took about 18 months but I can finally wear my operational badge. It’s a good feeling but it seems to have come out of nowhere. I will literally be driving out of here in 5 hours and I decide to hop on Tumblr to write another one of these things. Last one was on Christmas, although I could have sworn I wrote one after that. But I’ve been thinking a lot about what to say in this one. I knew I was going to write it. I just didn’t know what I would want to write when the time finally came.

But here we are.

The last few months are kind of a blur to me. Since the COVID restrictions hit, things changed. Everything became (even more) bland and relatively uninteresting. Maybe that was because I knew I was going to make it and all I had to do was keep “playing the game” until it was time for me to leave. And now it is. I’m going to Washington. I’ll be in Army Support and, yeah, I’ll get to do all of that “gung-ho hooah Army swoopty shit” as the instructors like to say. Eventually I’ll get sent to Arizona to get combat training and ECAC (which is a shortened, Army version of SERE). I’ll get the chance to learn how to jump out of planes and helicopters too if I want (or if the mission/deployment requires it). Oh yeah, I’ll probably almost definitely deploy sometime next year. Crazy to think that a weather boy gets to do all of this shit. I’m excited for it though. We get to do some cool stuff and its all kind of nerdy which you know I’m all about.

Anyway, I’m exhausted. It’s been a long day. It’s been a very hot day too. I took two trips to my car to move stuff and I ended up sweating like crazy. This place is so humid and warm that even right now its almost 80 with over 80% humidity. I’m done with the south. I’m so ready to get to Washington to better weather. But...I tried to switch to Colorado Springs. I really tried but the AF wouldn’t have it. I wanted to be closer. To my friends and family and you. Yeah. All this time, that’s still what I want. I have no idea how much of a possibility that even is but it still seems right to me. I’ve avoided everything to not mess up those chances. But now I feel like I wouldn’t even know what to do. I have no idea what would happen but I know it’s what I want. I never open up to anyone about it so I use this and you to open up if you happen to see it. I haven’t felt true happiness since we split. That’s kind of fucked up since its been over two years since that happened. But its true. I’m stoked that I graduated and I’ve had fun times but nothing has compared. You really don’t know what you got til its gone.

So I don’t know what to do. I just need to keep my head up and keep pressing on with life. I think I’m still waiting...yeah. Believe it or not, you are still the dream...even though I feel like you’re a stranger. Damn. I heard a quote the other day: “You drown not by falling in the river, but by staying submerged in it.” I fell in that river the day I decided to give up on you. I’ve been swimming ever since, trying to not drown in that mistake. And, yeah, I’m still swimming.

Sorry if this is depressing or simpy. I talk a lot of shit about people simping but I always end up saying: “hey, I’ll simp for the right girl.” And I’ve learned in the past that you shouldn’t bottle things like this up. You’re the only one I’d ever talk to about feelings but I don’t have you. I have this. I am fine though. Things are looking up. I hope you’re doing well. I miss you.

[06JUN2020; 0011]

Well, I'm here again.

[24DEC19; 2342]

Yeah for real I'm here again. Back at my parents house sitting in the living room watching a movie drinking a beer. Only this time there is Christmas shit everywhere. It's kinda nice though. It feels like comfort and home. Yet I still feel kind of weird being here. As much as I hate being at Keesler with all the damn restrictions, it's easy. It's a routine and there are rarely any surprises. I feel like I'd be one of those guys that gets back from a deployment and doesn't feel right about being home. Like being on a deployment is more comfortable, ya know? It's just strange. I probably wouldn't feel this way if I had something other than my family or friends to visit with. Who knows. I'm still kind of groggy from yesterday. Flight was delayed and ultimately cancelled. I was supposed to get here around 1400 yesterday but ended up walking in my parent's house around 0100. Oh, without my bag because the airline left it in Dallas. But I'm here now and that's all that matters I guess. I always try to stay positive and I do a pretty good job of it for the most part. But being surrounded by people that constantly complain about how weather is so shitty or that they hate the Air Force just kind of gets to you sometimes. Weather is fun. I like it a lot and the Air Force is pretty cool. Definitely the best branch to join. My Marine friend constantly talks about how he should've joined the Air Force instead. Especially now that we wear OCPs. He loves the way they look. But I'm happy about my choice. And happy I have weather now. It's a much better AFSC and I have an opportunity to go to so many places. Even right out of tech school. Every now then we get someone that comes to our class and talks about their experiences and shit. Well, this one guy came in to tell us about his experience in Army Support. He was a tech sergeant and was actually Master Select. But he had some of the coolest stuff to talk about. Jump school, breaching and clearing, survival training etc. So cool. But the main takeaway from it for me was how he said it was so rewarding being Army Support. People were so much more appreciative of your work. Pilots and ground troops would come back and just be so happy about the work you did. Your forecasts and stuff. That sounds cool as hell. I don't give a damn about that sort of thing usually. If I I know I did good work then that's enough for me and I don't need appreciation. But everybody likes appreciation. I don't know, he had a lot to say and talk about and I was just so entertained and at the same time imagining what it be like for me to be in all of that. I use that to keep myself interested.

Anyway, I guess that's all I have. Funny, last time I was at my parent's place I was on Tumblr. Only I was super-mega-ultra sadboi. Now? Well, nothing has changed. I mean I still want the same things I did back then. Like really bad. But I guess I'm not as sad about it. I honestly feel kind of numb when it comes to emotions. Which is kind of sad to think about. Will I know how to actually act when or if the time comes? I don't know. My main concern is training right now but I still have that other goal in mind. Still. Even after all this time. All the drifting apart. It happened. I knew it would too. As much as I hated myself for thinking so negatively about it. I ended up being right after all. But, who knows. I don't know what the future holds. So who fuckin knows! I am excited about driving my car though. Been looking forward to that for a long time. I....should probably figure out how that's all going to work. I have my keys but I'm not just going to show up and drive it. Plus, it'd be nice to actually see you and hang out. I'll let you know.

It's late though. Oh, look at that, it's actually the 25th now. Merry Christmas. I should wind down. Slap the shit out if this tattoo and get some sleep. I need to start enjoying this leave since it will be another 6 months before I get to take some again.

My legs hurt.

[23NOV19; 1034]

Sheesh. Things have remained weird since my last post. Weird dreams. An uncomfortable situation. Some slight fear in the schoolhouse. Completely random memories popping up. Yeah. I was put in an uncomfortable situation recently. I can deal with them, typically. I'm in the military so uncomfortable situations are commonplace. But this was the one situation I had hoped I could avoid while I was in tech school. But it happened anyway. All I want to do here is learn this job well and stay healthy. And yeah, not get in trouble with command. That's it. I don't need that kind of distraction. I know what it does to people and I already know what I want in that aspect. It requires patience, hope and some fucking dumb luck for sure. I don't want anything to get in the way of that. My dreams have been messed up too. Had one where Mario was still alive and we were all older and shit. But I had one where my dad had died mid dream. And after it happened, the dream continued. Like a movie. Except there was no volume. It was silent. Things would happen and there'd just be no noise. Fuck that dream. Messed my whole day up. And I still remember it like it was last night. And I had random memory of when I lived in Colorado in class the other day? In the middle of learning about mesocyclones and supercell thunderstorm formations this random day I had in Colorado popped up. And it was bizarre because I was remembering, vividly, two different versions of that same day? I still remember it. Fucking weird, man.

It's cuffing season. Well, in tech school it's always cuffing season but this time of year it's kind of intense. People are always saying "I need to get me a boyfriend/girlfriend before Christmas." Yeah I get it. I miss having someone. A lot. I'm a big time lover and I love making someone happy. But that's just not in the cards for me right now. This time two years ago I was the happiest I have ever been. My buddy asked me the other day: "don't you want a girlfriend? Someone to be with and talk to? I'd probably kill myself if I didn't have my wife." I said: "nah. Well, yeah, but not here. I don't know." He asked why and all I said was: "I guess I'm still fucked up on my ex, man." He already knew that whole story so he just said: "oh shit. I'm sorry, bro." I changed the subject immediately. I didn't want to think about it and I had let someone in my head so I couldn't have that either. But people can't handle being alone. No matter how much they say they don't need anyone, they do. It happens all around me. But that's just being human. I can handle being alone but that doesn't mean I enjoy it. I fuckin hate it. But nothing feels right anymore so I'm just like "🤷🏻‍♂️". I just hope I'm not so used to it that I forget what it's like to be close to someone. I know what I want and even though it's pretty quiet now and that connection is weak, I still have that hope I've talked about in every one of these posts. It's just a fine thread now but I'm still hanging on.

I needed this. I've been in my own head a lot lately and this just seems to help. I don't have my car here so I can't use that for therapy. Something about that car specifically just made me feel at peace. That sounds stupid but it's real. I could just hop in and cruise along. I would shift gears slowly, listen and picture the transmission and clutch working. It was loud and clunky but it worked every time. Something about all that mess relaxes me. If that loud chunk of metal can be that chaotic and still work in the end, then maybe life can too. I'm just waiting for the next gear shift to complete, I guess.

A weird day today

[04NOV19; 2221]

Well it's been over a month since my last post thingy. Kind of sad. I was hoping more time had passed. But I woke up today (at fucking 4) and instantly felt weird. Like yeah I was bummed it was Monday and I was tired and shit but something was just different. The last few days have been weird feeling. But today it was a lot...it's the date. Didn't hit me at first until I said it out loud. My life was a lot different on this day two years ago. Back then, I could have never imagined how it was going to affect me. How could I? I was in a state of actual peace and genuine happiness. It was a fucking good day and I can remember exactly how it went. People say it's good to have memory recollection. I have a really good memory and I've been told it's a blessing. But over the years I've realized it's kind of not. It's a curse. Yeah I like having memories of the "good old days" and being able to laugh at them. But shit sometimes it just sucks. Hindsight is 20/20 and that has helped me avoid repeating the mistakes I've made but that doesn't make them go away. They're branded in there; permanent. And I just keep seeing them.

But things are pretty ok. I actually feel comfortable at this base and not perpetually stressed. It's easy. I like this AFSC. It's nerdy science shit and I like it a lot. I can tell you, scientifically, why the sky is blue. Or why the water is cold as fuck in California and warm and nice in Florida. No, it's not the sun. Well, it kind of is...anyway I won't get into that. I'm everybody's friend here. Most people recognize me because of the OCPs. "When I first saw you, I thought you were an officer!" I still get a "good morning, sir" damn near everyday from a random. But I don't know, people are just nicer here somehow. Maybe it's because I'm not an asshole. I don't know. It's just weird being kind of popular. Marines and Navy people want to hang out with me. Like wtf? And even my own body is doing better here. I can focus on my health finally and work on fixing my insecurities. I have a good routine with the gym and a damn good diet. It's actually starting to show. And that's coming from a guy that always felt like a skinny-fat weak ass bitch. But don't get me wrong, there is still plenty of work to be done. I'm getting there.

Despite all this though, there's still something missing. I don't need to say it because I've harped on that a lot already. And, surprisingly, there have been a good amount of opportunities for me to fill that missing piece. But I feel completely lost. Like a kid learning math for the first time. It seems so simple but I don't know what to do. So I just don't. I move on and think about weather or whatever. Often times I wish I could just deploy. Which is very possible for me after I graduate. If I go Army Support, I'll deploy quick. And I'll get combat trained and jump certified. Dope. But I don't have a death wish. Fuck no. I have dreams for myself. Time away (I mean, REAL time away) might do some good. Or just ruin me more. Who knows.

I miss home. I want to go home. I want to see my family and friends and see you and drive my fucking car. I get 10 days for Christmas so I'll get to do all that at least. But I want to get stationed home and chill for a bit. But who knows. It's the military. They might put me in Osan.

I'm not unhappy or depressed. I feel pretty content. Focused. I'm occupying my mind as much as I can to avoid rogue thinking and rash assumptions. But I can only do so much. My best friend here (Huffman) told me the other day that he wishes he could be like me. "Laney, you don't let anything bother you or stress you out. You're always staying positive and trying to make people happy. You just seem so content." It was way out of left field but all I said was: "good. That's what I want people to see." I'm human. I think a lot and I get stressed and I'm negative sometimes. But nobody needs to know. Nobody wants to deal with a person like that. I'm not going to be that burden. So I just push it aside. I'll worry about it later. I am pretty content though. I just won't let anybody in. I hate being vulnerable. But today I just needed to write shit out.

- Not even sure if you'll see this post but I sent you a letter today. Well, a package. Very small nothing crazy. But you never got my letters from BMT so I wrote you one at least. I put off sending it for a long time though. It's all still relevant but I just felt like maybe it wouldn't have been the best idea to send it? I decided today that that was a stupid thought. It's just a letter and some stuff I've come across here that I thought would be cool to give you. No harm in that. Hope I got the right apartment number though -

That's it for this. It's long but it was necessary. And I'm tired. The sooner I sleep, the sooner time can go by.

Okay.

[26SEP19; 2252]

Well, I'm here. It feels like I've started all over again. I mean, I guess technically I am. But it's just a shitty feeling. Like the last 9 months were for nothing? No. This time it's going to be fine because I'll be doing something interesting to me. However, this will greatly impact what I want. I'm not going to say it will ruin it completely because I still have faith that it will come together. I have some things to say and this will probably be my last post. My reason is completely logical though. So I'm going to tell you why and leave you with this:

The last time I used Tumblr for sad-boy shit was when Rachel broke up with me. I had all these feelings and thoughts and things that I just wanted to say. I know you've read them...the Tabasco sauce one? Your favorite. Anyway, I used Tumblr as a way to vent. I was still in love and she wasn't. She was very over it, actually So I had to find a way to talk. Tumblr was my outlet and I thought it would help me somehow. Well, it did. I got over her. Completely. It took awhile but it worked. Never knew that's what I wanted until one day I was just over it.

And now look. Don't you see? The situation I'm in now, with you, is practically identical. Except I never wanted to marry Rachel. I never loved her the way I love you. Which is why I have to stop this and hold on to my feelings. Because if this thing works out, it will be bliss; serendipity. I keep thinking about that. You asked me once: "why do you feel like you have to wait for me?....wouldn't you want to keep your options open?" (or something like that). It's because I love you. I wish I could say that more (I wish I had said it more). But you are the only option to me and I want all of you. So I have to wait. I have to be careful though. I don't want to chase you off. And these Tumblr posts will make me get over you. I don't want that. I want to keep you. I want you to keep me.

Talking to you will be very difficult now though. I don't get to have my phone until after class. Literally has to stay in my room. Which means we'd only be able to talk around 1500 your time. And it seems like you can't ever talk around that time (well, you can but I don't know I guess) so now you see why I said this place will impact the whole thing. It's literally all up to you and what you want.

I'm so sorry for leaving you while you were in tech school. So sorry...holy shit. I know Sheppard was strict and I can now understand why you always wanted to talk. It's such a profound sense of loneliness. I can't believe I fucking did that to you.

I'm saying all this literally to you because I have a bad feeling our communication will decrease a lot. Which I understand. You don't revolve your life around me and I promise you that's fine. I'll be pretty fuckin busy and occupied here. But make no mistake, you won't leave my mind. Just keep me in yours. If you really meant when you said you'd probably end up with me...think about that every now and then...just a suggestion. I just want you to be happy.

[EDIT - 27SEP19; 0427]

That one night in Carlsbad. When you came to see me. Everything about it. The hand holding. The things we did. The stuff we said. It felt like we had just picked up where we left off. It was perfect. And then you stayed at the hotel with me that Friday. We literally cuddled the whole night. I'm sorry if it's weird to bring all this up. But that's just what I want. I want that shit forever.

Well, I think I know what to do..?

[24SEP19; 0209]

I'm at my parents house. Just had a beer and watched Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Basically waited til I was tired. Well, I am tired, but I need to vomit some thoughts again. It's long but it's not all of it. It never is.

I expected her to tell me she was dating someone today. I had put the puzzle pieces together and was sure that was what's happening. Especially after she left me at her apartment with the person I had figured she was dating. But then we talked. They're not dating. She's just having fun...I keep hearing that. And this guy doesn't even want to be with her. He's basically just using her to pass the time until he can get what he wants. Then again, so is she....I guess. Just having fun...I hope. It just annoys me that he's just taking her for granted. He has no clue what she's worth.

But was I so different? I was waiting for the Air Force instead of some girl...but she did everything for me. Literally. Gave me every bit of love and affection she had and I was just like "neat. What do you want from Sonic?" Really, asshole? I know, I shouldn't dwell in the past. But I made the biggest mistake of my life when I let her go. How can I not constantly think about that?

Something happened when we were talking today while she was driving my car. God damn I love watching her drive it. She made some joke about me being married to my ex. I said "nah, I want to marry you." "...you don't want to marry me." I said "yes, I do." I've told a few people that that's what I want, actually. Maybe I shouldn't have said that to her. I even talked about "marriage scenarios" that I think of that include her. I don't want to seem desperate. I don't want to run her off. But they are real feelings. And she said in multiple ways that she'll probably end up with me. She's not fucking me up. She said that to my face; she was being honest with me. So there is some part of her that wants to be with me. I mean, maybe she thinks about me more than I know?

We talk more now. Actually talk. And she calls me which is super nice. The last few days it's been that way. And she wants to keep doing it, apparently. I'm happy about that. She also wants to visit me when I'm in Mississippi. That would be fucking cool.

This has gone on enough. There's always more I want to say. It's just late. But now that we've talked and I have some kind of idea of how she feels about me, I think I know what to do. I have to bear through it all: not ever being the priority. Not really ever knowing what she thinks of me. Not hearing from her if it's after 1600 everyday or possibly at all if it's the weekend. It's going to suck and probably be painful to deal with sometimes. And it'll probably be awhile too. But I want this to work so fucking badly. I'm in love with her. It happened twice with this girl. This time it's so strong that I literally lose sleep over her. It's not reciprocated at all but the circumstances are tricky. She did everything for me and got next to nothing from me. So it's my turn. I'll wait for her. I'll give her everything I got. She may not appreciate it or care right away, but if I put the effort out and stick to it, maybe she'll come to love me again. I have to stick to it because if I get an opportunity, I want to be there to grab it and never let it go...for real this time. And then I'll finally have my world back.

This isn't a sad post.

[21SEP19; 0129]

Well I'm finally settled down. Drove for literally 15 hours today. It went by so fast though. Minor issue but then it seemed to not be a big deal. Things are just...working. What the hell is happening? I'm liking this. Tomorrow (well, today) should be good too. I feel optimistic. I got something awesome (and kind of nerve wracking) coming up but there's still some time til it really starts. These last 9 months literally chewed me up and spit me out and I had become something I hated. But a moment of clarity happened on my drive. I'm going to fucking do it right this time. Things are really going to change. And good things are going to happen. And I'm going to start enjoying my life again.

This optimism is a familiar feeling. I haven't felt this good since her and I dated. I was happy. Everyday. Everyday was good because she was there and she always made me feel good with her positivity. I would always feel down about my enlistment taking forever but she was there to hold me and make me lift me up again.

Then it happened: I got in. I'm so thankful for her for that. Thankful for her for so many things, actually.

And I owe it to her to be the man she believes I can be. I just wish she was along for the ride. Like I always wanted.

Well...damn.

[19SEP19; 0012]

Holy fuck it's happening. It actually panned out and went smoothly? There were things that happened that almost put a wrench in the entire plan but it ended up being...fine? Sorry if I seem pessimistic but, honestly, I'm flabbergasted. Shit just worked out. I'm supposed to see her though. In a couple of days. I mean I think? That was the plan...I should probably make sure it's still happening. That's kind of important. I have no idea what to expect though. I have a funny feeling things won't be as natural as the last time. I feel like a lot has happened in her life since then. But I can't say for sure because I don't know a god damn thing about what she does these days. I guess we'll see...I'm going to be as chill as possible.

I'm giving her my car. Well kind of. She'd have to marry me if she wants to call it hers. But she's babysitting it for awhile. Crazy because I'm super meticulous about it. Everybody knows that. But I trust her. And the idea of her driving it makes me happy. I've only seen her drive it once (because I only let her drive it one time) and she was incredible. She looked stunning driving it. And she was enjoying every minute of it. She had that beautiful smile glued to her face the whole time and she'd do these fucking cute laughs and noises when she'd haul ass or hit bumps or something. She's fucking good at it. Anyway, I should stop rambling about her. Pretty sure she cringes when I give her compliments.

Nuts though, honestly. I'm nervous but fucking pumped. I'm ready to get my life back on track again. Everything is finally working out.

Well, no. Not everything. There's just one thing missing. And it's still the one thing I want over everything else. So, almost everything is working out.

Almost.

Uncertainty is bullshit

[17SEP19; 0448]

Don't know why the hell I'm on here at this hour. Woke up at 4 for some reason and haven't been able to go back to sleep. My mind is already busy thinking about shit. Fuck, it's going to be a long day I guess.

Why can't things be like the military? Everything is right there laid out. Go here and get this signed. Get briefed by this guy. Do all these things and you get this. You know exactly what's coming. Maybe you don't always know when, but at least there's the certainty that it's actually happening. "Hurry up and wait", I have done that so much. So fucking much. In the military and now in my personal life. It's common in the military but, again, you know that it will happen...eventually. But for everything else in my life, I have no clue. This whole thing could completely fuck me. I know what I want: her. I know exactly how to do it this time too. I was a shithead to her and now I'm paying for it. She doesn't have a clue. And that's ok because she's enjoying her freedom. I know she wants to be settled down at some point though. I know I'm fucking ready to. But what can I do? I actually want to be with her. We joke about fucking marriage or whatever all the time. It's not a joke though. Not to me anyway. My Tinder profile is literally a meme page now. I'm going to do this waiting thing; I said I would. I just hate not knowing anything at all. The feeling that it might be a foolhardy endeavor. That she's already moved on and found someone else. It happened last time. That's my stupid mind jumping to conclusions...god dammit it better be wrong though. I mean, there's one thing I know for sure: we'll always be in each other's lives. That's just not enough for me. And I'm afraid that it might be all I get.

Some time has passed

[14SEP19; 0224]

I've been back a week and it feels like it's been an eternity. Days go by slow when your mind is busy. Some shit has come up and if everything pans out, then it's about to get even more interesting...and complicated...maybe. But I try to keep myself and my mind occupied to make things easier.

I'm still hung up though. Still perpetually thinking about her. Kinda crazy how much damage and disarray a little bit of love can do to someone. It didn't help that it felt like it was the first time. It's been about two years since I fell for her and now I've fallen again. Falling for someone twice? When I step back and look at it at all, it blows my mind. That's how I know it's something special. I've had three people tell me to just move on and get over it; don't wait for her. "you have a lot of worth and you shouldn't be troubling yourself with this. You're a good person and you need to look out for yourself for once." A girl told me that. She's right. I need to look out and do what's best for myself. And I will.

So I am going to wait. I've waited for a long time already and that waiting has kind of paid off. Now there's actually a chance - a small glint of light underneath all this grime of regret and failure. So maybe just a little more waiting. There's nobody else in existence like her. She's actually perfect. She has everything I want and everything I need. I don't tell her because I don't want to be a bother or put pressure on her. I don't know what she wants to hear from me but I have so much I want to say to her. Right to her beautiful, glowing face. She's what's best for me. So if I have to keep waiting, then I can do that.

I heard a quote recently: "if you find someone worth holding on to never, ever, let them go."

I won't.

"where did i go wrong?

there's nothing i can do

the thrill is gone

so i play these nervous songs

pretend that i'm not barely hanging on..."