“not a competition. you’re allowed to need people, too.” his concern is, always was, with his friends. his primary concern does lay with taesong ; they joined roughly the same time, they’d been connected by an array of things. but he has enough of him to worry, to care, to be there for the man he’s with now, too. there’s a excess of love he has to give ; he’ll be damned if he doesn’t make it known he’s got it. they are what he cares about —– they are the ones who need it right now.
he sits on a table in the room instead of a chair, mostly because he gets a clearer look at min with the height. cheol senses something in his tone, but he can’t place what it is, decides it won’t do him any good to overthink right now. he’ll do it when he’s alone, like he does most things. “went well. thinking about making it up to him soon since i clocked out, though.” he shrugs, fingers playing with the hem of his sweats. he’s quiet, somewhat unnatural for him when he’s with people. but he manages it, because it feels like the time to be quiet. brows are furrowed, concern on his features. crying is natural, he knows this. but he still worries, unwilling to let him be a casualty of the war within himself or the world around him. “fuck deserving to be around us. aren’t we the ones who should dictate if you’re worthy?” his tone is aggressive, blinking and looking away from his friend for a moment. “people love you. disappearing hurts them too, you know.”
quiet again, composing himself. he doesn’t know if he should answer the question with a truth or a lie. he’ll settle for something in between. “not great. i don’t like seeing him like that and i’m … really mad that someone did that to him.” that his friend did, but he’s not confrontational and never will be, “but i’m gonna do with him the same i’m doing here. i’m going to try to help however i can because neither of you deserve to look or sound or feel — like that. like this.”
ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘʀᴏꜰᴏᴜɴᴅ ʜᴀᴛᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ꜱɪᴛᴜᴀᴛɪᴏɴꜱ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛʜɪꜱ. he knows, and he's somewhat aware cheol knows it too —— he's the problem. and it wasn't like he didn't try to see it from different points of view; everything resumed to him being the problem " —— i know. " he mumbles, letting himself lean forward while focusing in hands. everything seemed more interesting thank the conversation they were about to have. and he tried to delay it, and he tried to avoid it, but there was no running anymore. it was almost like cheol was trapping him without meaning it, or maybe that was his plan all along. either way, taemin thought about; even on xanax, he couldn't stop —— the only difference was the absence of pain and anxiety that came along with it. and yet he was still restless with everything and he hated it. the turn the conversation was giving was making him uncomfortable, but did he even know how to be comfortable anymore ? cheol's aggressivity made him recoil in himself, pushing his arms to wrap around himself, fingers gripping the fabric under his arms tightly in search for comfort. he knew he didn't deserved it, but he still felt like he needed it. he was falling apart, just like taesong, but then again, his support system wavered " —— at short term, yes. but right now i'm causing more pain than good, so in long term, things would be better if i was gone. " he can't speak above mumbles, maybe because if he does he'll finally tear up and he has been doing that too much lately.
eyes rise for a moment to find the other sitting on the table, the uncomfort rising slightly; he felt too much attention on him and he didn't like it. maybe this is what he needed. maybe being confronted, punched, whatever, it was what he needed. maybe to stop being such a coward and hide behind the meds he was able to find. but then why did he already felt so utterly alone ? why did he feel everyone was already hating on him without trying to understand his side ? because no matter how he told his side, people would always side with taesong and with reason. but i feel isolated. a weak smile briefly made an appearance, before some tears slid down his eyes, his embrace on himself tightening " —— it was me. i did that to taesong. " once more, his voice isn't more than a mumble and he knows he has no right crying, but he can't help himself; with his xanax wearing off, he's finally starting to feel the pain and the nerves crashing on his mind " —— and you won't believe me if i say i didn't meant it, because i really didn't ... i love taesong with all my heart and i swore myself of bad things and then ... and then it was like those bad things i did started to find me one by one ? " he chuckles bitterly, gaze dropping on the table " —— and it's things i did before taesong confessed to me, or asked me to be his boyfriend but is blowing up on my face and his face right now and of course it hurts. it fucking shed me to shreds. and i can't even grasp the sadness and pain that he's feeling but. i can't stop it. " hand covers his eyes, but the other could definitely see the tears sliding through his cheeks " —— so i kind of just ... pushed back. because i'm not worthy. i'm so not worthy. "