Have The Courage To Exist. @chabanned - Tumblr Blog

zovsko

my refrigerator w legs barrels towards me and grabs me and stuffs me into its vegetable drawer then casually walks away

ndiecity-deactivated20241101

Hey is

ndiecity-deactivated20241101

Is your refrigerator running

zovsko

my refrigerator w legs is standing in the middle of your street gripping a rolling pin. are you running?

omnybus

Werewolves of Lendin'

He used to work in the lumber yard as a timber wolf

feelingsofaithless

Post Traumatic + favorite lyrics

magicmooshka

i love haikyuu i wish volleyball was real :(

inkskinned

guilty because i put up a boundary. guilty because i enforced it. i want to eat my own fist. hate the whole of it.

i tell my therapist that i don't really feel like i need boundaries. i say i am comfortable with most things; i'll figure it out as i go along. she says: that's a fawn response. i laugh about it, because it's either laugh about it or do something about it.

the thing is that once i like someone, i'll forgive them for anything. they don't even have to apologize for it. they could step over each of my desires and take all my teeth. it might take me a little while, but i'd get over it. i'd say: oh, she was having a hard day, and didn't realize i was serious about my safety. i'd say: he's always had anger issues, i feel bad that he hasn't been responding well to therapy. i'd say: you know, it kind of isn't fair of me to expect them to know i don't want to get hurt, i should have been more clear and repeated what i wanted.

i tell other people i'm easy-going. sometimes i get called good natured or happy-go-lucky. i am not able to list traits that i like about myself without mentioning how i help other people. i let people desiccate me and then i say - well, as long as they're happy.

i have been a bad person, is the thing. when i was really sick. and honestly sometimes even when i was doing better. i've hurt other people, and i don't want other people to hurt the way i did. i only have friends because others have forgiven me for the wrong i have done. i only have gotten this far because someone else gave me patience, and kindness, and help.

so it's not fair of me to set a boundary, ever. plus, if i set one and it is broken - that just hurts. and when someone crosses that line i drew, i have to take an action in response. i have to kick someone out of my life (as if i have so many other options) or i have to confront them about it (as if that doesn't make me cry) or. if i take the easy route: i have to simply accept that it happened and internalize it and move on; let it go without a fight.

i can't control, after all, how other people react to my boundaries. they probably are unfair boundaries anyway. it's easier if i just control how i react to the pain - if i just ignore it, and hope it goes away. no need to blow this out of proportion. no need to make a fuss. this way all the hurt stays inside of me, and doesn't slip out and get into anyone. this way is better, right.

who cares what it does to me.

curlicuecal

Whenever I take a long car ride I end up exhausted afterwards, and I'm always like "why am I so tired? I was just sitting around doing nothing all day."

But the answer, it turns out, is I was doing something. Riding in a car jars your body in many directions and requires constant microadjustments of your muscles just to stay in place and hold your normal posture. Because you're inside the car, inside the situation, it's easy not to notice all the extra work you're doing just to maintain the status quo.

There's all sorts of work that we think of as "free" that require spending energy: concentrating, making decisions, managing anxiety, maintaining hypervigilance in an unfriendly environment, dealing with stereotype threat, processing a lot of sensory input, repairing skin cells damaged by sun exposure, trying to stay warm in a cold room.

The next time you think you're tired from "nothing", consider instead that you're probably in situation where you're doing a lot of unnoticed extra work just to stay in place.