THE PINK PUFFY HALF OF CARPFISH! HI I AM CAE. DESPAIRING OCs ARE MY THING.
SUPPOSEDLY, I AM A MSPAINT ARTIST! BUT I'M TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO DO OTHER THINGS TOO! i talk a lot and talk even more on my twit (@ohcaesu). background and banner image by Joyejoyu!
HEY HEY HELLO HELLO, WHAT IS UP -- this is even... later... than last year’s... but it’s still within the realm of January and I’m finally in a pensive mood, so WHATEVER, MAN!!!
As I’ve kind of already alluded, these are harder to write the older that I get -- not because I don’t have a lot to say, but because I don’t feel the pressure to write it down.
I’m at the point in my life where I’ve just learned to trust myself to internalize important life lessons as they come, in other words; if it’s really as important as I think it is, then I would have already let myself feel it and integrate it accordingly. The most consistent part of me -- the reason why these posts exist -- is that I insist on being better, after all... And, even when I trip up, that desire is always going to be there, no matter what.
BUT. I like reading these posts, and to have something to read I need to write something. SO! HERE GOES!
TL;DR I got into fanfiction this year and somehow wrote 80k-ish words of Sk8 the Infinity in 7 months, on top of 30-ishk of original content. L-LOL.
Also, work and self-discovery stuff + notes on living on my own.
In starting this post, I looked through some of my older posts to give myself context as to the kind of person I have been in the past decade. The recurring theme, of course, is I’m the sort of person brought-up to prioritize aesthetics: the value of my personhood as its tied to my appearance, the neatness of my personal character arcs and how I’ll insist on the forward trajectory of whatever goal I’d set out for myself that year.
If I wanted to be good at art that year, then I needed to produce a timeline where that visual is very linear. If I wanted to be good at dressing myself, then I’d pick increasingly flattering selfies.
But, I’ve come around to thinking how my posturing lends itself to personal isolation and a lack of fulfillment.
Which is to say, a lot of my life up until this point was built on being SEEN as successful but not really FEELING the exhilaration of that success for its own sake beyond the initial smugness. I know I’m good at pixels and coloring. I know that I’m good at navigating career stuff, all the way up to sustaining a pretty cushy tech job for myself. All these things look impressive, but don’t feel impressive once the spite wears itself away. I just know what it took, plotted the path, and carried my way forward -- and then I got there.
And... not to diminish the work I put into it, but.
That’s it.
Here I am.
Cool.
It’s no wonder I’ve been so dissociated for a long time.
Less so, since moving out but, man.
It’s also no wonder I have such trust issues, accepting people actually Like Me, when I keep projecting outward a version of me that’s untouchable, smart, reliable, talented. etc.
I know a lot of it is due to my upbringing; my family only started treating me kindly when I started looking a certain way, and I took a lot of power from that. Beauty was a means of control and I’m quick to recognize visual connotations. But, in choosing to play that game, repressing my true self in lieu of a currated Me, I was still upholding a system I found shallow and inherently meaningless. I wasn’t having fun, I wasn’t dressing myself and doing better to be self-expressive, and I wasn’t making the big bucks because I care about money or anything... I was doing it because I wanted to prove a point -- that I could reach success on my own terms.
But, it’s still someone else’s definition of success, not mine.
I’m glad that it’s made me so financially stable, and that I have the space to really figure myself out... and there’s no point in really mourning for lost time, when I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to even think about this kind of stuff anyways. It’s just. Equal parts melancholic as it is a relief, letting myself develop my own preferences -- refusing to lean into the “”power”” of my own dissociation and the like.
So, what is my definition of success?
It’s being comfortable and happy, and trusting that I know what that looks like. It’s the freedom to care about things, unapologetically and with the fullness of my sentimentality. It’s, just.
Learning to be alive. That my life is worth living, and that the work meant something to Me.
It’s most strongly reflected in my living alone, which has been slowly coming together this past year. Nothing presentable, and I could stand to indulge in personal projects (putting up shelving, hanging stuff up) BUT! I like that I’m able to buy things I like, even if it’s cringe... I like that I’m able to leave my friends’ drawings on my refrigerator and that I’m greeted by a frivolous, but lovely bouquet of flowers whenever I’m out of my depression cycles and remember to take care of myself, HAHA.
IT’S NICE.... NOT FOLLOWING TRENDS...
I LOVE MAKING THESE LITTLE SHRINES FOR ALL THE THINGS I CARE ABOUT...
I FUCKING LOVE SK8 AND DO NOT GIVE A SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Again, I’m not so great at it, but I also took myself to a Pink Martini concert, even when no one else was able to go because I love Pink Martini and I wanted to go.
And, my work sis is helping me have more fun, generally-speaking, making up for the fact that I’d lead such a sheltered, workhorse life through my 20s that it’s hard for me to conceptualize the various avenues where one could have fun, on top of just... being more open to experiences, generally-speaking. We went to see Jo Koy! We’re going to see The Killers and MCR in 2022! What fun!
I also went on vacation for the first time in years w/ Danny to NorCal! Yeah!
My hope is to get around to doing more solo travels, once we’re out of the plague.
SO. TO APPLY THAT TO MY CREATIVE OUTPUT. I’m going to be 100% honest here, I did a huge art backslide and produced maybe a few doodles. Last year’s art is way better than the paltry crumbs I put out. But, that’s okay! It’s like I’d stated; this has nothing to do w/ my value as a person!
some headshots of OCs circa june of this year...
I started this and never finished, but I’m happy to report that I at least finished this guy and am very proud of it!
And I started the doodle for this guy in like, June (LOL) but finished the colours in October. It’s nice not relying on my colours, b/c the feeling is there at least!
This is coming out pretty nice too...
I started writing more consistently last year, fresh off a few RP’s stagnating, and wanting to get in the practice of finishing my things so they speak for themselves. If a thing is done, then keeping an OC weebly is moot, right? *_ *
I also realized that while I’ve always felt myself a competent writer, there are some skills that I’d left underdeveloped because I mostly wrote drabbles and character studies for my friends -- nothing narratively focused or “”complete.””
I eased myself into self-contained OG fics with porn/erotica, b/c horny has always been the greatest motivator for me -- and, it was fun just writing stuff without worrying about the quality or performance of a piece. A nice surprise whenever someone found my stuff as hot as I find my own stuff.
In rereading A Family Reunion (MIND THE TAGS), the first fic of the new year, I know that it’s messy and I was Making Stuff Up along the way, but I had fun HA. HA.
I joined Id Pro Quo as a means of forcing myself to finish something Longer and Self-Contained -- but, in the process of brainstorming things out, I compromised a lot of my narrative vision, hoping to appease my recipient. Tit for Tat; Quid Pro Quo turned out to be a beautiful piece, but one I really struggled to write and whose thesis and characters I don’t find particularly resonant.
It upends that dance when Allete thinks of Rohais Arcturus: hot and deep, gloved fingers running past his cheek to grip his hair. He doesn't tell Mistress Seraphina what’s happened, doesn't explain how he'd gotten lucky that night, the heist presenting a greater bounty than usual. And it's ludicrous, isn't it? That much money for something so inconsequential? But it isn't, for the details Allete can't get out of his head: how Rohais will linger in his space thereafter, desire contained by a promise of no more than just one kiss.
Allete takes five months to regain his distance.
When he returns, another servant finds him scaling the mansion rafters… and then a bartender slides him a drink, courtesy the gentleman from the private room. His heart stutters. Allete doesn't know if it's the flattery of being worth so much that a man would wait so long to find him again, or if it's fear that Allete'll slip up and Rohais will find he has more power over Allete than he realizes.
Allete finds that he isn’t stopping those hands as they roam or even when Rohais lapses, shoving him against a wall. There are moments where Allete’s mind will wander to the idea of just letting Rohais have him because he is handsomer than Allete has allowed himself to believe, and there’s something — something — tempting about being so overwhelmed he loses himself completely to the other man. But Allete manages, snatching Rohais’ wrists as silk gloves make contact with bare skin, dignity barely intact.
Tonight, Allete tucks a necklace beneath his shirt, his tie and arrow collar obscuring the sparkle of emeralds. The cocktail reception is in the next few rooms over, the birthday of some foppish dandy that Allete hears is due for military school in the next month or so. There’s the clamor of glass and scattered conversation through the walls, the thief and his patron having found their way to the guest room. He’d hatched a plan for the family jewels, only for Rohais to beckon him aside, an ivory case placed soundly in his hands.
I’ve always liked my own diction and Allete’s characterization was a lot of fun, but ehhh... The ending’s alright and I convinced myself of their relationship well enough. I was just disappointed that I didn’t like the fic, but on top of that, the response was lukewarm SO NO ONE EVEN WON HERE 8 I <
This was also the time in which I started and finished Sk8 the Infinity and... little did I know at the time, would become my obsession from April onward.
I adore! Sk8! I fucking love! Sk8! It’s so off-brand, but I’m especially sentimental for Sk8, because I’d watched it at just the right time -- why do I do the things I do, even if I can’t be the best at it? Even when I struggle to improve? Even when I can’t even make money off of it, and no one really Cares? And, it was so, so irreverent in its thesis, in its stupidity, but so sincere in its conclusion that IT BECAME. CENTRAL. TO WHO I AM. FOR OVER HALF THE YEAR.
“To have fun, doofus.”
Literally, I watched the finale like, four times? And on the last time, I thought: “man I’ll never write anything as good as this.” to which Langa Hasegawa’s skateboard flips over to the word “FUN” on its underside and I was just lkahgwlkjgklaghlkwjmkljklj “the writers of sk8 would want me to write my shitty fanfic though.” “Also Langa x Reki Forever,”
I’ve never been one to write fanfiction, preferring to own all aspects of the piece I’m writing -- characters and scenario, alike. But, I did it for fun because I had a silly joke and a conversation with Danny, and NEEDED to make this one (1) shitty Biblical reference.
Beyond Eden is more similar to my ridiculous early porn fics, in that I barely planned it. I was just vibing toward this particular scene:
The sticky note is thrown to Langa’s feet, the boy looking defiantly up at ADAM. A snarl, half of the word “DIVORCE” crushed by his heel. The man’s clad in shiny black spandex, a giant heart cut-out split by a spine.
“You’ve been away for too long. So long, that you’ve forgotten who’s made you, EVE.”
Langa’s head tilts back, relishing in the bated breath of their audience. “And I’ve grown into something greater than EVE— beyond even ADAM and his EDEN.” His arms raise to the high of liberty, reclaimed.
“Tonight, you will call me LILITH.”
Again, it’s completely unnecessary; nothing a conversation and a call to the proper authorities can’t fix. But, even Reki can’t help but join in the collective gasps and whispers — that SNOW had been EVE all along, and that EVE... No, LILITH, couldn’t be serious, could he?
Even ADAM’s unsure of how he’s supposed to take all this in. Which might’ve been to Langa’s point, insisting on the new persona when they’d drawn it up.
Langa throws his rig to the ground, gliding himself to the line’s start.
SO. I’M GENUINELY SURPRISED TO THE POINT OF AGGRAVATION THAT FOLKS STILL READ THIS ONE BECAUSE I DO NOT THINK IT’S VERY GOOD. I LITERALLY HAVE TO RESTRAIN MYSELF FROM EITHER REWRITING IT OR DELETING IT ALTOGETHER.
Anyways, that WAS going to be my first and last fanfic for Sk8, but then I got hit with anime bonus materials, namely wedding certificate and White Day character interviews and I was just alkghwljglkhaklwmjgklahljeljagaklh “ok”
“okokok let me get this out of my system.”
Ergo, the first fluff fanfics I’ve ever written: Bridal Style and True Feelings Chocolate. Not to say that I never write fluff, as that is patently untrue. I write fluff of my OCs all the time, I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that anyone would want to READ said fluff because I certainly don’t read other ppl’s fluff... so I. Straight-up. Never post it.
And! Boy! Was I surprised! By the feedback!
I also incidentally met the fanfic love of my life (LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and from that point forward, I really, really started to take fanfic writing seriously.
Like, I’d joined Nonconathon off the lessons of Id Pro Quo -- determined to get my fic under 7k, and to write to the prompt but not be enslaved by it. I was also determined to be more focused in my worldbuilding, and to really pay attention to my exposition and pacing. As a result, A Brighter Star is something I’m stupidly proud of, even if it passed under the exchange’s radar.
Other days, when King Mu-Yeol must leave for a campaign or host an envoy from the neighboring kingdom, Kyeong-a sits beside Myeongeun, here but not, eyes trained on the window or the manuscripts set before them by their new scholar.
“It doesn’t hurt, does it?”
“It doesn’t.”
“Ah... That’s good.”
The sun is out longer and higher this time of year as they take their walks alongside a lake, shaded with flowering trees. They cluster like clouds above them, the breeze picking up stray petals to scatter them over the water. Myeongeun’s robes shimmer in the sunlight, though she’s quiet in a way where she wants to say something, but can’t figure out how.
The king is out, at least for the month, so.
“We can ask Chef to make us cake,” she tries. “Extra crispy — with pine nuts this time”
“If that is what you’d like, we can go.”
“I… Well, I’m not really hungry, so.”
“Then, we won’t.”
They spend that month adrift in that limbo — close, but at arm’s distance, because Kyeong-a’s always found it easier, detaching herself like this. The antithesis of a person with neither the burden of feeling nor being, beyond the minimum required to stay alive.
BUT. Through Light, I learned that the fun of fanfiction was in selling an outlandish idea or concept so convincingly, that the audience can’t help but buy into it.
Which, incidentally.
Is.
My shit.
It was also really nice being able to talk shop about writing, which is normally such a solitary activity... sharing WIPs and the like ;;
My last fanfic was going to be Sympathy for the Devil, but through a bunch of encouragement and the power of crying over fanart, I wrote A Study in Character which is probably one of my favorite things I’d written this year, combining my sense of humor and a very specific characterization I wanted to see in Adam/Ainosuke. I was also surprised by the reception of this one because it matched my feelings toward it... and idk ;; I wasn’t used to being praised for things I wrote out of pure Love and personal Indulgence. It’s... really nice...
I wrote Fairly, Dreamy right after to flex on my more decadent writing that I’d reserved for personal projects and to play into that mindset of fanfic-as-a-challenge. Also, stupidly proud of that one!!! LIKE IT’S SO FUCKING PRETTY, I REREAD IT EVERY SO OFTEN ALL “DAMN I REALLY PUT WORK INTO THIS!!”
And then I wrote The Other is Gold, because I wanted to write this very specific OC that light had written in her fic and I was SO SURE NO ONE WAS GOING TO READ IT so IMAGINE MY CONFUSION WHEN... FOLKS... DID.. LOL
I guess that’s the crux of a lot of my fanfic-writing experience. If I prioritize the quality of the writing, then it doesn’t matter how it’s received -- I will have liked it, and that’s what matters the most. Everything else is cherries on top! And, like! Yeah! I like my own writing a lot, but it truly is validating the fact that other people recognize that as well... esp other writers I’ve met along the way that I deeply respect. On top of the fact that like. People do? Look forward to what I put out? Genuinely?? HUH??? WHAT???
It’s such a strange feeling, when someone lets you know that they tried finding your twitter account or that they saw your name and clicked on your fanfic in spite of the off-putting summary. But, nice! I’m very happy!!!!
I also learned that being a good writer means being able to generate scenarios without worrying that you’re wasting said scenario... because, ultimately-speaking, you just have to trust that you’re capable of coming up with more as the fic demands of you.
Also, writing more will always make you a better writer; I used to average maybe 2k a fic before posting? Now, that’s maybe two sittings. I average around 5k a fic where it feels like a complete idea *_ * I was also able to use my newfound ability to actually Complete My Stuff to write a bday gift for Nie and rekindle some OC fervor.
The bottom of their family’s pool is perfectly white and smooth, squiggles of light shining through in lopsided rectangles. Limca balls herself tight, bubbles coming through her mouth as she lets the air out, little by little, watching each float up and up and up.
Six feet under, the same as staring up from her own grave.
When her lungs start to burn, her eyes screw tight into themselves -- and she thinks it probably isn’t bad.
She hadn’t cared before existing as Limca, so she can’t see herself caring after she stops existing as Limca.
Limca’s arms unfurl and her entire body lifts with those bubbles, breaching surface. The air comes through in uncomfortable gulps and her heart resounds like a drum between her ears. Her nose stings and itches, and it takes a moment before she feels herself lax enough to float on her back.
The sun is hot over her face, and the water is cool around her arms and face.
It’s cheesy to think that it’s because of her friends and family and Rasna that she stays alive. That the meaning of her life is tied to the happiness of theirs, because Limca is nothing without something to connect.
But, she finds herself not minding this either – at least preferring that to more morbid trains of thought.
Limca kicks herself up, no longer a corpse, the slosh annoying her brother and his girlfriend enough for them to shoot a glance from over their sunglasses.
A grin.
“Gonna visit your old teacher. Maybe spend the night again.”
Lark coughs.
Mille purses her lips at that before he changes the topic altogether, letting Limca know that “he’ll let their parents know” and Mille that the “new golf course will be opening soon and they should really go.”
And it’s also been nice, using our adult perspectives to really update our characters (ala Down the Rabbit Hole.)
I feel that the culmination of my writing skill really came through when I wrote The Abyss Stares Back -- a bad end Squid Game AU for Sk8. Totally crazy concept, for one. But, also a stupid amount of thought put into selling the characterization, the dynamic, the setting. I love that it embodies the moody, porny, indulgent atmosphere that I enjoy writing for my OG fics -- and I’d gotten a lot better at minding my punctuation and really Thinking about framing before I set-out to start a piece.
That night, Langa stands to attention at the precipice of a cliff.
His dreams have always been sparse – brief, hazy impressions that have fallen from the forefront of his memories to the blackness of his subconscious. They’re of his life, mostly.
But sometimes, they’re of ones lived prior, distant yet familiar.
The night’s chill runs its fingers through his scalp as he makes his descent.
There’s the roar of a distant crowd that urges him to pick up speed, the ground crackling beneath his feet as he chases the pinpoint ahead of him, faster and faster, some part of him knowing that something important is waiting for him on the other side of it.
He leaps toward it when he knows he’s close enough – but, he falls through that image before it comes to focus, stuttering forward into nothingness.
A shift.
Langa whips himself around to find himself on concrete, staring up at that figure. It’s leaning over Langa, moving strands of hair from his face to admire it fully. It pulls back as Langa reaches for its wrists though, a burst of bright, happy laughter for thinking he could catch it so easily.
Langa tries, regardless, chasing it as the ground continues to shatter beneath his feet, giving way to shift after shift after shift, scene after scene.
It’s the last that stays with him before he awakens.
They’re crouched up together at the back of a car, knees close, but not touching. The window has cracked open enough for them to take in the ocean’s smell; Langa, staring at the stranger as it rests its head against the back of the driver’s seat.
Its voice is soft as it asks if things would always be like this.
If there is some way, somehow, to get this feeling to last forever.
🔳🔲🔳
Langa manages the next week with a sick, milky dullness to his eyes. Mom’s back to avoiding him, excusing herself and retreating into her room when she hears him coming. He finishes another job and tends to the cut he gets from it, his dressing thick and lopsided, but manageable.
He can’t afford to be sick.
SO YEAH! TO KINDA CONCLUDE THIS POST!!! I wouldn’t say that my writing progression is extremely linear, but I’m pretty comfortable just letting my fics be imperfect and moving on. In the new year, I hope to write more original stuff and perhaps TMA and Sk8!!! I also hope to tend to my apartment and life better, while having FUN all the way through. I also want to draw more, and be more serious about my studies... make more friends, and strengthen the bonds I already have, given that I’m better at just.
I MOVED IN THE MIDDLE OF WRITING THIS, SO MY TARDINESS IS EVEN MORE EGREGIOUS THIS YEAR... SORRY... SCREAMS
but at least i actually produced art, specifically for this banner (?? : D < ???)
I guess what’s changed is that I’ve grown significantly more private online-- to a point where it feels strange and indulgent, putting everything in one post and leaving it out in the open. As I’d stated in my 2019 follow-up, a lot of my motivation was accountability; which is to say, if I wrote everything I’d learned and wanted to achieve in the year, I’d be obligated to my word.
But in years past, I’ve always ended the year on a note of discontent following a revelatory shift in mindset. This year, I felt that I’d learned very little in spite having done A Lot. Maybe it’s the plague that’s warping my sense of time; or, maybe it’s that I’m too distracted with my work. But, either or: it was a psychologically trying year, but an existentially grounded one. I’m less motivated to write these posts because I’m a lot more comfortable in knowing what I’ve done and a lapse of memory won’t erase these accomplishments. Further to that, my ambition is self-sustaining. I don’t need to rat myself out to keep myself honest, because no one has anything to gain or lose from my self-improvement except for Me.
BUT!!! A TRADITION IS A TRADITION, HOWEVER BRIEF AND LACKING IN ANGST.
MOST OF THIS IS CAREER STUFF. WITH SOME ART. ALSO WRITING. (KARATE CHOPS). THANKS FOR READING!
If 2019 was me figuring out that I was depressed and finally working out what I should do about it, then 2020 was the culmination of all my effort; step 1, following the preparatory step 0.
It isn’t a coincidence that this was the year of my Saturn Return. But, it was less a series of new trials and more a recap to ensure the lessons I’d learned Really Stuck:
That fear is the mind killer and apathy is dangerous. If I don't take my chances because of past traumas, it means I'm allowing them to rule me even if I think I've gotten over it. If I find myself settling because it "can't be helped," then I should re-evaluate and correct course.
And, most importantly, Suffering isn’t inherently meaningful and the negativity that grows out of spite or cynicism limits possibility. The most sustainable kind of energy comes from GUSTO and LOVE and EXCITEMENT because CRINGE IS DEAD and I’ll be 14 and a silly brat online ALL I WANT if it’s what’ll get me to draw and write as much as I have this year.
I guess that's the main reason for my satisfaction. These principles have helped me navigate what was a difficult year, but could have been a lot Worse if i didn't already know better. When in times of stress, I was able to turn to my art and my writing and I was able to ask for help when I actually needed it. I allowed myself to be sad without judging myself for it, and I gave myself space to be tired when I was tired, and celebratory when I wanted to be celebratory.
So! 2020! In a nutshell, new job, new car, a break-up, another job, a death in the family and a move without a roommate.
Seguing into career, I always knew that my time at OldJob would be a stepping-stone into HRIS/HR Technology. I outgrew my position in a few months to become the SME for configuration/reporting for benefits, payroll and merit, with some overlap into timetracking. Following lockdown, I landed what seemed like the perfect next step.
I got a job at a Certain Burbank Movie Studio and upped by salary by 35% with a senior title.
And it’s funny because I realized that I was too excited by how it would be perceived, given the Prestige. It’s like you’re watching a movie where they’ve solved the mystery, but there’s still 40 minutes left on the reel.
But, I waved it off because nothing ventured nothing gained and
BOY
DID I HATE IT
LOL
And I felt stupid for being so miserable. That I could land a job Like That in the middle of lock-down and Not Be Happy. And, what if I *wasn’t* as good at my job as I thought I was? What if I was fearful for my ego, that I couldn’t take the heat in an environment where everyone was as good or better than I was at my job because I was truly weak and cowardly all along?
I hit myself over the head with a newspaper because I’M NOT STUPID. I’M GOOD AT MY JOB AND THERE’S NO POINT IN SITTING IN A POSITION THAT UNDERMINES MY CONFIDENCE. IT’S BAD TO SETTLE, EVEN IF IT’S AT A COMPANY LOOKED UPON WITH SUCH REPUTE. I FOLLOWED MY GUT. I SNUCK OFF AND ENDURED 6+ HOURS OF INTERVIEW. I GOT A NEW JOB. IT PAYS MORE. IT’S UP MY ALLEY. I STRUCK SIX FIGURES BEFORE I TURNED 30. I HAVE MANAGER IN MY TITLE. I’M WFH FOREVER. LET ME SLIDE ON MY SUNGLASSES AND DIP OUT INTO MY CONVERTIBLE which i own now, also following a lot of stress dreams surrounding logistics.
Regarding my car: my lease was also up this year and I considered just keeping my Honda. But, my very good friend asked if I’d wanted to grow old without ever having driven my dream car... and that I should at least try a few other cars before I committed to anything.
So, I did.
And I fell in love with My Baby.
And I endured an entire month’s worth of Suffering to sell my lease and convert the equity into a down payment for The Boy.
And I’m just.
So Glad. He’s mine now.
I’m incredibly bad at spending money in spite being pretty thorough in how I game my career to maximize its net flow. I’d been raised to be fearful of wasting it and when I was young, I’d give all my money and gift cards to my family because I hated the idea of spending it for them to berate me for my purchases. This is at direct odds with the promise I’d made for myself, though! I moved out specifically so that I can make my own mistakes and gain experience accordingly. So that I could live without owing it to anyone for my comfort-- and, if I want to live life For Me, isn’t spending money On Me a part of that ...? I’m not a coward, and I’m not stupid either. SO!!! Life’s just that much better the less you Care about perception beyond what it can materially benefit you lol
I’ll gloss over the other stuff because (shrug). The most I have to say is I like the way I spend my time better and I’m thankful for the support system I have.
Also also I MOVED OUT AND LIVE ON MY OWN NOW. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. RIPS OFF SHIRT. I CAN ORGANIZE THE PANTRY THE WAY I WANT. I CAN BUY FURNITURE THAT ISN’T WHITE. I CAN COOK IN MY OWN KITCHEN WITHOUT BEING CHASED OUT OF IT. I CAN CANCEL ALL THESE NEEDLESS BILLS. I CAN RUN THE HOUSE WITHOUT WAITING ON A HORRIBLE, UPPITY AND INDECISIVE PROCRASTINATOR.
(cae, we get it) (you hate your roommate) (ssshh)
Anyway! I realize that I’m privileged in spite having never taken a vacation in five years. Like, when the door of opportunity opens, you gotta have the legs to walk through it; and yet, the doors keep opening, and well! I wanna help other people set that up for themselves! I already make a hobby out of getting people jobs and raises, so in the new year I plan on officiating that into a side hustle.
More to come in 2021... But first,
ONTO WRITING/ART!!!!
I hadn’t planned on being very ambitious with writing and art. Rather, I just wanted to increase my fitness when it came to both.
With regard to writing, I started got into MOTW briefly and started writing drabbles as a request. From there, I just kept writing more and more, leaning into the idea of just writing things off the top of my head. I’m quite pleased with how I began the year (Ping’s Introductory Drabble | Post-Campaign Ping, both written in July). This was especially so when I’d revisited an old Penguindrum fanfic and tried to rewrite it... and then wrote a new one altogether. There’s better focus on what’s happening, as opposed to the lyricism of my diction... Which... YAY...
Though I also realized in doing my long form writing that I carried a tone problem due to the fact that I switch perspectives too readily. When I focus on one perspective (A Guide to Fearing, PLEASE MIND THE TAGS LOL) it reads a lot more smoothly.
But, with A Lesser Clay it’s obvious that I watch a lot more anime than I read hahaha. (ALSO MIND THE TAGS.)
I committed to some AO3 research, digging into past writing exchanges to better understand the quality of my writing vs. those I actually admired and concluded that mine isn’t as lush and descriptive as it could be... It has that really “fanfic-esque” quality to it because it assumes the reader is familiar with the characters and skips the exposition. Orrr I dump too much information all at once, so the scene loses its momentum. Further to that, I was operating on really low standards for myself, comparing myself to fast-food pulp garbage when there’s chic and classy garbage I could Aspire toward. Ergo, I rolled back my sleeves and (asked Nie for some requests l-lol.) I reused parts of Ping’s introductory drabble to write an incredibly problematic AU (PLEASE DON’T CLICK THIS TERRIBLE THING) and then wrote another problematic fic (PLEASE DON’T CLICK ON THIS TERRIBLE PROBLEMATIC THING EITHER).
All and all, 25k words of on my ao3, 10k of unposted work and 10k for RP responses! I hate being self-congratulatory, but I feel it’s a positive step given that I wrote so little last year by comparison.
As to my art :^O < Having gotten off my lessons with Chira-san, it became a matter of integrating technical backbone with personal aesthetic. I never finished that Soul Science line-up due to uh
Reasons
But, it’s really nice looking back and seeing how much livelier my art has gotten compared to where it was the year prior:
(March, 2020)
(March, 2019)
I also streamlined my process significantly because in skipping straight to render, it makes changes to the piece Incredibly Difficult. ALSO. THE ROI ON MY COLOUR WORK TO THE VISUAL IMPACT. IS VERY BAD.
(April, 2020)
I’m happy with this piece, as an example... But, it took me over a month to complete for the rendering in the hair.
and BOY!! MY COLOURS ARE SO NICE!!!
(June, 2020)
But yeah, it was clearest here how awkward and undynamic the pose is because I got impatient and started rendering in the middle of my sketch... And then I became too entrenched in making the colours look nice that I didn’t want to fix aspects of it for fear of ruining said render. It looks overworked and the effort I put into the face is really obvious to the lack of effort everywhere else.
I know my favorite pieces are the ones that are more deliberate with colours to maximize their impact on the overall composition.
So! I actually put the leg work in doing a very strict process and
wow, I got my work down to 3 sittings as opposed to like an entire month’s worth LAUGHS.
(July, 2020)
and ah.
i look at this every so often with a smile, because it’s *exactly* how i wanted it to turn out.
(aug, 2020)
there’s technical improvements to be had for sure but just... trying to get my idea across yields better results than settling for easy but pretty compositions.
(aug, 2020)
like? i did all these shots for my DND campaign in 3 days? it’s not perfect, but i know the reason why i learned how to draw was because i want to be able to tell my stories... so * _ * just thinking and committing to my compositions feels great!
and using simple colours as well!
(sept, 2020)
i’m not extremely good at it yet, but i started experimenting more with face shapes :^O < and it feels like a good start too! been studying proportions of art i like and breaking down why i like them etc etc.
(sept, 2020)
i got busy/lazy toward the end of the year and can stand to be better with my compositions BUT!! it’s all good haha
(nov, 2020)
(nov, 2020) (I’M REALLY REALLY HAPPY WITH THIS ONE LOL)
(the start of something; nov, 2020)
I did some fun gaia commissions as well...
(colour experiment; wish i’d kept the colours simpler like I’D PROMISED MYSELF but w/e old habits die hard!) (dec, 2020)
and i busted these out in one sitting a pop:
I don’t normally do any 2021 stuff, but I’m really excited for this piece I started prior to moving:
i can tell that it’s going to be another favorite, just because I remember how i’d wanted the original from 10 years to look... and now have the power to fully realize the concept.
SO YEAH! That’s about that! Cheers to another year! LET’S CATCH UP NEXT DECEMBER!
AYYY HELLO HELLO IT IS I... CAE... HERE AGAIN TO JOURNAL ABOUT MY LIFE ((and then disappear for another year))!! YEAHHHHHH!!!!!
+ last thing I was working on in 2019!
+ cae 2009 vs cae 2019
similar-ish dealio from last time in that there's way more introspection than art and writing but NOTHING NEW HERE ASIDE FROM A SMALL META LOOKBACK ON THE DECADE. ALSO LIKE. A REMINDER THAT i'm not really on tumb tumb much, I live on Discord and you should find me there.
! ANYWAY !
...
...
It's hard to believe that I've been doing these write-ups for nine years now. It feels like just yesterday that I started my first entry in a fit of nervous panic-- that I knew I'd learned something important about myself that year and that I had to write it down lest I forget the work I put into the resolution.
(I See You, Baby Cae. I know what you were Thinking.)
But, here's the thing: in the following years, I'll discover something equally groundbreaking about myself. I'll be horrified by this discovery and Haul Ass to Fix It. Then, I'll have assumed that I figured out the Answer to All my Issues, so I should be Okay now... Right?
I got close last year, acknowledging that I'm not a bad person and that I wasn't a hopeless case. But hm.
Fashion, career, writing, family, networking, personal development.
The tone of voice I take with myself was still chiding at best, annoyed on the regular and self-flagellating at its worst.
I can't remember a time when I haven't "baby-proofed" my life because I didn't hate myself as much, but I still considered myself too much of a stupid, cowardly, passive aggressive mess to function without that kind of staunch preparation, some method of public self-accountability. That was a secondary reason to this journalling, after all. That if I posted these entries publicly, I'd be forced to change because Jeez, People are Watching Cae. Get It Together. Prove Your Self-Improvement.
...
When I got laid-off on my birthday this year, I immediately started my job search. I worked through the shock, transitioned everything and waved it off when people asked if I was Okay. I minimized the number of folks I told because I hate that question.
Was I Okay?
I didn't know. I didn't want to know, and I wanted the time and distance to figure it out.
And it wasn't like it was the end of the world. I still liked my coworkers and had their support. I'd been wanting to look for a new job anyways, this one just beat me to the punch.
But things just kept getting more and more awful. One of my managers called me to tell me about how wonderful things were going now that a good chunk of our HR group was gone. Told me that my other manager'd quit on my behalf and left them with no payroll support, yes. Took me out for my birthday when my family didn't. But, he'd also gotten a huge bonus on a project we'd both worked on and actively hid it from me... and I didn't care about the money, in so much as I was hurt by his secrecy and that willingness on her part to tell me something I didn't need to know.
I was angry that I couldn't close this chapter in my life in peace. I was upset that I was so moved by this. I hated that I couldn't get over it faster, that there were so many obstacles to returning to my usual stasis outside of this too, goddamnit.
It's around this time that Chira pointed to how bad I was at Feeling without Judging Myself For Feeling. These were very normal things to be upset over and if anything, this was indicative of something deeper than what I cared to acknowledge.
Depression?
I couldn't be depressed! I'm way too well-adjusted and high-functioning to be *depressed.* I majored in psychology, I know what Depression looks like.
It's just that I don't remember the last time I was happy and that I don't think I'm capable of having fun and I think of myself and my feelings as a liability and I work really hard to give myself less reason to hate myself and if I'm useful, it's close enough to feeling worthy of love and.
Well, looking back on that all, it seems obvious, doesn't it?
hahaha... Ah.
With this in mind, I started back-pedalling and learned to softened my internal voice.
I can still be driven, but there's a reason Why I'm like this and it isn't a flaw of character in so much as it was just.
Depression.
...
I was called back eventually to help with final payroll runs and tax audits and account closures because Justice, Bitch.
I asked for double what my managers' recommended on my contract and went forward to fix things, teach processes, bask in the gratification of returning a Badass that Showed The Man Up. During this time, I got a new job with a raise and in my preferred field.
ANDDDD, I realized as I was moving my work team after team after team that I wasn't just doing the job of three people-- I was actually doing the job of Five. I'd wanted to romanticize my time at this company and then turn my nose before I'd started to dislike it.
But, that's a form of avoidance. A partial truth is still a lie and what I was doing with myself is yet another one of my coping mechanisms. It's a means of surviving what really wasn't a good situation, just one that was better than what I'd known. With this, I cut more and more ties with people I was ambivalent toward because... If I really wanted to be around someone or in a situation, I don't think "Ah... Might as well..." or "Hm, I guess this doesn't bother me."
I just... jump into it.
I know how I am when I want to be with someone; I'm driven by instinct over logic, and I act before I can justify the thought. I met Hina this year because I liked their Dororo porn fic and sought them out with the sole intention of making them my bride friend. I guess when you have a fiery personality like mine, the manifestation of depression isn't sadness or an inability to function altogether. It's supposing that there's nothing better for you out there, so "Whatever, Man." It's no wonder I'm so bored and unimpressed all this time; I've been sleep-walking for longer than I can remember, mistaking my dissociation for strength and insisting that I Don't Care because it was convenient not to think about it.
So! This feeds into my New Years Resolution for 2020-- which is to be more honest in my desires. It's so cool to be ambitious and socially erudite and hard and "IDGAF" because when you're all those things, you forward the idea that you are untouchable and therefore invincible. But, there's two sentiments I've been really holding onto with 2019′s close and those are:
It's easy to doubt, but it takes guts to trust in other people.
and
Sometimes what's rational is to believe there is something greater than the lesser of two evils.
(hehe anime).
Which is to say, I want affection and softness and I want to believe that I'm worth cherishing, and I'm committed to pursuing that feeling in the decade that follows. It doesn't matter if that makes me come across as cheesy or naive to other people because it isn't weakness to Want.
PHEW. OK WITH ALL THAT ASIDE. ONTO THE NEXT SECTION WHICH IS
2. Fashion!!!!
I grew out my hair this year :^0 Gender is... still a weird topic and I was attached to my long hair because the balance of masc vs. femme made sense to me. I go by male pronouns and have short hair! But, I also dress really fancy pretty and love dresses! Yeah!
I saw a beautiful man with long hair at Bloomingdales though and... I really liked how it looked, so I had that Winry/Riza moment and grew it out.
This coincided with the desire to be empowered by my appearance, not diminutized by it. Thus, I started to veer toward a more ""chic"" and less ""costume-y"" approach to fashion. Like, more Beautiful and less Cute. Here's a brief play by play:
Started this year thinking of going Glam Rock and getting my growing hair into a Pomp kinda dealio.
(Circa Dec 2019 ~ Jan 2020)
But once the hair got past the awkward length, I started liking the idea of just putting it down because it was more comfortable and... more ““effortless”“ looking! I also got a pair of really pretty Gucci glasses (pictured in the brown outfit below) which helped with the Look.
(March 2020)
I still veered into cute cute territory, just to show I had it in me still : 3 c
but golly I’m reaching 30, ok!
Gotta dial down a bit...!!
I got increasingly lazy and stopped even putting effort with bangs. Decided I liked it too : 3 c
By October, my hair got super... cute...l-lol 8 u 8 Also I found a new lip colour I really liked and a pair of pretty Celine glasses.
the fashion journey... continues... honhon...
3. GOD THIS IS SO LONG HERE'S THE WRITING/ART PORTION FINALLY.
With regard to writing, I have a BUNCH of RP LOGS I could reference... But, all and all and as a reminder to myself: my flow improved significantly this year because I started RP-ing with my precious little brother 8 u 8 . What a good influence----
With regard to ART! This year, I undertook a mentorship with Chira! A lot of my art is a reflection of the existential stuff and I feel that I learned WAYYYYY too much than what I'm able to recap in a single entry. I wrote a testimonial on twit though... So, I'll just list my key points:
The effort I put in correlates to how satisfied I am with a piece
I learned that I want to be the kind of artist that makes art that feels ""alive""
Dynamicism comes from being mindful with how real bodies move and paying attention to every detail of any interaction.
Fat weighs down on the body and you should take into account how it influences a person's movement
An illustration tells a story based on how the image directs the eye and frames the figures
Straight-lines = tension, curvy lines = relaxation. Be mindful of shapes and perspective
Perspective design starts from the ground-up!
gestures from week 1 (with observation)
adding smoother, more continuous lines. paying less mind to time constraint and more to the spirit of the exercise which is to complete a figure as quickly and completely as possible.
added tension to linework to make figures look more solid.
wanted to improve character dynamics. chira realized that i’m just really good at eyeballing poses. had me try to do it without reference.
revealed that my anatomy wasn’t super great. but aside that, i could be a lot more specific in my poses so they feel more specific to the characters. : 3 c !
better, but i can push the poses + take flow into account!
back to singles. again, still weak with anatomy and shapes. slow reveal that i don’t understand torsos when i’m not eyeballing reference images.
started studies to REALLY get it, LOL
better, but there’s still a flatness/stiffness to my poses... also the emotion isn’t believable and the perspective is still off.
chira suggested i look in the mirror/observe myself. switched to black lines + more thickness. i should also focus more on practical poses before trying dynamic ones.
other goal was to achieve diversity in body-type and learn to draw hands : 3 c
did a week of hand studies then focusing on torsos to practice gesticulating
got a run down on boobs and body fat from chira
kept getting more feedback from chira w/ the boob thing
anddd graduation back to fullbody at the end of the day! YEAH!
goal is to keep doing studies : 3 c etc etc.
also, some perspective progression...
Pass 1, I did incorrectly. Needed to pay more mind to the proportions of the room and to start from the ground up.
redo
outside perspective now
moved onto 3p
and then lighting exercises!
learned important point about lighting is that more lighting = more visibility, not more white or light source colour : 3 c
i plan on doing more studies BUT!!!!! i’m actually finally...? hopeful...? with where i’m going art-wise...? o-omg...? again, i wrote it AT LENGTH here but WHOO MAN DID I DRAW A LOT AND NOT POST ANYTHING THIS YEAR. PROUD OF THAT!!!
AND YEAH! HEH! there we have it!!
if you read everything, i... don’t know what to say. thank you...? LOL. KISS KISS... CHU CHU...
This is SUPER FUCKING LATE, but at the !!VERY LEAST!! my doodle is finished this year >: 3 c and also, it has like... the correct year notated.
In spite feeling unproductive, I accomplished enough this year for it to be considered Good. After some thought, I’ve categorized these improvements as follows:
learning not to hate myself
moving out
writing and drawing (for reals this time)
The only resolution on this list was “moving out.” Nevertheless, these posts have developed beyond setting a goal and more to the fiddle of self-reflection for its own sake. SO.
I'll start with the heavy stuff and then move onto the art stuff!
There isn’t a lot of art btw, but there’s some underneath the WALLS of TEXT.
PART 1: SELF-REFLECTION
It goes without saying that i have an ego THE SIZE OF A FUCKING PLANET.
Yet, I understand my likeability on shallow terms. I'm a good conversationalist, my taste is impeccable and I possess all the material trappings of adult success-- short of a house and a retirement fund or whatever.
However, my self-esteem has always been... Absolute Dog Shit.
and that is an
U N D E R S T A T E M E N T
Most days, my personal narrative is obnoxious and self-assured. "I love who I am. I'm selfish, detached and cruel. My emotional intelligence is no better than a rock's. But, whatever, right? I know all these things and I own all these things."
When faced with the idea that people don't like me, I accept it as an inevitability.
But, in fits of loneliness the question arises and I lapse into self-pity: Do the people I like simply tolerate me because I'm convenient? Do they like me as much as I like them? Or am I just to take the position of servitude-- working to prove that I'm getting better, that I'll be worth it some day?
With some self-reflection (that's code for astrology by the way), a different set of questions arose. Are you really that bad, Cae? Objectively speaking, have you ever murdered someone? Like, have you physically hurt someone on purpose? You lied here and there, sure. You've said plenty of mean things, fantasized about it-- but, who hasn't?
I can forgive people so easily when they aren't forthcoming and admit to it. I don't care when other people think or say petty things so... Why am I applying these impossible standards to myself? How am I better or different from them?
When all is said and done, perhaps I feel guilt for things that aren't so bad because I'm so aware of the things I consider immoral.
Besides, I'm not so special that all my friends would conspire against me, specifically. Maybe the common thread between all of them is that... perhaps... I am... Enough.
Maybe the reason why people stick around and help me out is because they want to invest in me.
???Because I'm not a hopeless case???
I'm not perfect, but I'm not bad either.
It took me 27 years to realize that. Which is kind of funny but... like this post, better late than never, right?
I know my worth. I’ve already considered the opinions of those I respect most. The determination has been fixed. There’s nothing else to be discussed.
PART II: AND NOW... TO THE TOPIC OF MOVING OUT
Yep, I did that.
My *ACTUAL* *PLANNED* New Year's Resolution! Completed!
There isn't much to go over here, aside from the fact that it was nowhere near as dramatic as I'd anticipated. My mom's first response was "You can take care of yourself, so I'm ok." My dad eventually came around to it too and helped me put things together in my apartment.
And, in spite all the troubles we'd caused one another through the years... I have way too intense a sense of filial duty to burn the bridge irreparably. I can't get over the idea of hurting my parents, even if I'd been hurt by them.
Compromise is interchangeable with a lot of things i dislike about myself-- that by playing to impossible standards, I'm complicit in upholding them, I guess.
But, at the same time, I know I do this because I don't love my family as much as i think they deserve. And if not love, then standing as an exemplar is a fair substitute. "I know I'm a disappointment if you really understood who I am and what I stand for. But, it's okay to pretend I'm ideal if it makes raising me feel worth it in the end."
Like, the conversation felt like the succession conclusion of a role I'd upheld for 20+ years with the hug good night and everything, right as the credits roll.
A good chapter end, especially given the ramble of PART 1 as it built up to this.
There was of course more melancholy involved-- that it was *too natural* and that the *ease* of living alone was... Suspicious. I was still me! Why don't I feel different? What gives!!?
But, put in perspective, I'd once thought that moving out was a far-off fantasy and that reaching this milestone would be nothing short of Momentous.
It wasn't because without noticing I'd change to a point where it wouldn't be a big deal. Of course I'm still me-- just a me that's capable of doing all these things I once thought impossible. And, isn't that amazing?
I will afford myself a pat on the back here.
PART THREE: WRITING AND ART?!?!?
Damn, I should've thought about... putting two vastly different... development paths... under one section L-LOL.
Oh well. Quick ramble about both of these. Regarding my creative pursuits, I put everything on hold to get my life together. Then, I put everything on hold even longer because of my sense of inadequacy. My tastes had continued to develop as my hands started to rust-- and it felt uh...
Bad?
LOL.
But, I’d promised myself that if I loved art and writing as much as I do, that I’d eventually get back to it. I’m still... self-deprecating in this arena and as much as I’d LOVE to tell myself that I’d put OTHER ACCOMPLISHMENTS under my belt.
It’s still a work-in-progress.
OH WELL!
Writing first:
Last year, I got better at outlining the things I wanted to say and then writing with focus on the content, not the style. As a result, my writing comes across as more purposeful. (some excerpts here from KAMIGAKARI; another one?? !)
Where I'd been held up was my pacing, especially in long-form works (see: not good, private post). Like, my RP logs are PRETTY GREAT (link pending), but I couldn’t get the same effect across in my solo’s. Thankfully, LINH brought up the fact that I could improve my pacing when I consider which characters had the more interesting perspective within a scene. Rather than switching NEEDLESSLY, it made more sense to keep the camera's focus on the person who offered the best observations. : 3 c (this has a rushed ending; this is the start of something good, i hope!)
AS TO MY ART. There... really isn't a lot this year again. But, I started off January with some simple headshots.
(likely the first thing I drew in 2018). I liked the facial structures, but the colouring was still pretty shaky... And like unfinished?
i did a little pixeling to see if i still had it in me
(gyazo, feb 2018)
But, pixeling is always easy for me... So, I didn’t really focus on that.
i liked the messy aspects of my art... before the refinement, and found myself wondering how to encapsulate that without also looking unfinished (mar, 2018)
i also tried my hand at redoing this adopt concept nie reject and opting for something more practical, armor-wise... I also went forward and fixed the face because i lost sight of FORM in the first iteration. (also march 2018)
I STARTED TO SHOW FORMS OF LIKE ACTUAL... LIFE HERE THOUGH... idk what is it about summer, but i become randomly motivated to experiment.
(july 2018)
buuuutttt the effects were super hit or miss.
good...
yes... good...
no... bad...
s-stop...
nie of course SLAMDUNKED MY FUCKING ASS and mentioned a number of things...
but, in short. i had no focus on values, but i focused TOO MUCH on saturations... and also my lack of textures is the reason why my art looks so... stiff and inorganic.
after moping around for like a week... i went ahead and tried to implement her advice.
little WIP from september.
yeowch! improvement! (gyazo)
another WIP from september.
and a november WIP for GOOD measure.
And, that's about it! I have a New Year's resolution in-mind... Which is to better organize my online precence : 3 c And also find a new job, as my current company is being acquired (did i Mention that? well now i mentioned it).
another year, another round-up… SO, WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY, THE ANNUAL POST, WHERE I! OH! CAE-SU! post a bad doodle, ramble a lot about personal things and then disappear for another year.
if i were to describe my approach to 2017, it was cautious practicality. i’d decided that, regardless what happened, i’d grit through it. when fortune favors the prepared, you avoid disappointment by rejecting expectation. assume the worst, so whatever’s better is a pleasant surprise.
my only new year’s resolution was to get a full time job with benefits, at a bare minimum of 20 an hour.
the results in themselves were (for lack of a better description)
Surprisingly Good. i got more than that. i got a car. i got a raise. i bought myself a phone. i even go drinking with my coworkers?
like, the year in itself felt like a series of shonen power punches. i’d workworkworkworkworkwork, just to decrease the possibility of failure.
i didn’t expect Good, i just wanted to avoid the Bad.
but, at last quarter of 2017, i came to a series of realizations, all of which can be summed with the following arc words:
“you are more than the debt you feel you’ve incurred in your life, you’re also the love and the success that have helped continue to define who you are” (THANKS MILLY!!!)
“taking a punch shouldn’t be a point of pride. when you tolerate something like that, it means you find it acceptable. is it acceptable?” (THANKS CHIRA!!!)
SO. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO…
a read more tag:
PART 1, PERSONAL RAMBLE
Debt, as a concept, has always been at the forefront of my actions. To be frank, I hate the idea of being a burden, and it’s difficult for me to accept kindness because I associate kindness with a favor to be returned at a later time. This wasn’t an issue up for discussion. It was a fact of my life. It’s easier to devalue what you have and give it all away because what’s the point in having things if you’re just going to feel guilty about it? To have nothing means you can’t be held accountable for being selfish, and you gain a reputation for generosity.
But, I was… Rudely awakened… Of course…
It began first, when I jokingly reflected on my childhood– only to receive something to the effect of “Cae, that’s kind of super fucked up” and “No wonder you’re so dissociated all the time.”
It’s always made me uncomfortable to think of my parents as abusive; I mean, I’d come to terms with the idea that we aren’t able to communicate well, and that they try their best whenever at all possible. To expect the kind of family dynamic you see on television is unrealistic.
But, it suddenly made so much more sense, when I made the connections. Whenever I got New Year’s money, I’d be asked to give it away, because it wasn’t /my money/ technically, I shouldn’t be selfish. It was my parents’, who’d raised me, and who’d already spent so much of their own to me. Least I could do. I’d receive gifts I didn’t ask for, and then strong-armed into certain decisions. It was /the least I could do./ Stuff gets thrown out, cabinets are emptied. Shouldn’t I be grateful that it’s clean, though? I didn’t ask for it, but it’s already done. Shame.
I hate asking for help because I don’t know what I’ll have to give up at a later time. I value the things I buy for myself, because they’re tied to MY hard work and only my work. When kindness is given to me without cost and I actually /want it/, my automatic reaction is “But, what did I do to deserve this?"
But ehh… I also realized that I shouldn’t confuse kindness for baseline human decency. To have love, generously, unconditionally given is something you should feel entitled to, not grateful for. That stuff’s normal; behaving this way and romanticizing self-isolation and self-discipline isn’t. Having tough skin doesn’t make you stronger or better than anyone else. It means you went through something unfortunate and that sucks.
Normal’s such a funny word, but I feel that a lot of this shift in thought was inadverdently encouraged by the people I work with. I tended for work to be a place I clock-in and clock-out. No attachments, just the utility of having a paycheck. But, it was a coworker that’d helped me buy a car when I admitted that I didn’t want to ask my dad to help. It was a coworker that bought me a cookie when I told ‘em about a rough weekend at home. Coworkers that celebrated my birthday and friendsmas and all that. And, it was hard to NOT BE A HUGE FUCKING SAPPY BABY ABOUT IT OH MY GOD. Because it’s great, but it’s also goddamned ///normal/////.
Anyway, vaguely put it sucks that with attachments comes a need to defend what you have LOL. Rather than like. Run away when things become inconvenient. That’s a goal for 2018.
But, to end this ramble I’m glad for the people I met this year! >:^ O And, I’m glad that I was called out because like. Functioning doesn’t mean you’re functioning optimally so. Intellectualizing’s also a strong-suit and a bait habit : /
SLOW-MOTION WINKIE…
PART 2. ARTIES!!
Per usual, Nie tends to KICK MY ASS in the art game. But, you know who also gets a shout-out? Ota…
LOL
HI OTA… IF YOU ARE READING THIS… THANKS FOR DRAWING WITH ME…
I didn’t draw much this year, but I got a fun kick out of the things I Did Do. And, while I’d been improving (maybe) on the technical end… It took a certain someone to be like
“why don’t u just draw on sai like u do on paint :^0″
for me to be like
“ok :^0″
oh, and also useful practice sessions.
little brief visual timeline:
so, i did that one in january… and while I liked the idea, nie questioned my direction. Was it something I really wanted to pursue? And, if it was… The eyes looked super flat, to a point where it’s distracting.
i kinda doodled a little more to the side, experimenting with methods to make the features less… superimposed on the face.
but, i faced the same issue… and tbh, the results were passable but not what i /really wanted/ out of myself.
also, my control of this style wasn’t too firm; it was more me, eyeballing styles i liked rather than owning them as my own LOL
(see, above inconsistency)
what helped was more practice, but also just drawing and thinking less. STUDIES WERE A THING FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME… THAT I ENJOYED…
(bottom feet are mine)
some scribbly hands
it ultimately also came down to finishing shit. the reason why my old stuff was so good was, even if i got sick of looking at it, even if i saw nothing but a WORTHLESS FAILURE my colours are my strong suit? and everything looks better once it’s been fully realized : 9
so, i just buckled down and used my old approaches on sai– applying what i know is right, but tryna not be so enslaved by it that i’m discouraged from continuing.
i still suck at finishing things tho
But i think i’m finally comfortable enough on sai where my colours look as good as i know i can make them look
i continue to bother with last doodles of the year for some reason
SO. i didn’t write down my resolutions for 2016 but that’s okay because i only had one: to obtain a full-time position in HR.
(and i did it)
(BTW)
this entry will be way more boring than prior years, as it’s way less existential in nature. i guess the overall feeling is contentment, but dissatisfaction because what has contentment ever done for me but made me complacent lmao--
THANK YOU IF YOU CHOOSE TO READ THIS.
OR IF YOU SCROLL PAST A HUGE BLOCK OF TEXT YOU WILL COME UPON ME, CURATING MY OUTFITS OF THE DAY AS I DID LAST YEAR.
--
a lot of my midyear crises entailed job search hell LOL.
but, if there was anything my june-august situation presented, it was clarity and standards. even if i hated where i was, even if i spent day-in and day-out wondering when i’d move on with my life and Leave, i at least knew what i wanted.
i began 2014 thinking that if i just had a paying job that wasn’t hard, i could be satisfied.
i began 2016 realizing that my pride issues are too intense for that and i can’t stand the idea of being looked down upon.
the ideal job became less about pay and more to the fiddle of wanting to be trusted for my work and to have earned the position in a way undeniable to others.
also i never wanted to work with old people or touch paper ever again.
so i did it. AYYYY---
i lost a temp offer when a company froze hiring prior to my start date. i fell into an Abyss of Angst, then climbed back out and continued. two months later, i got into another temp position because an agency recruiter oversold my resume. i fell into ANOTHER Abyss of Angst, having gotten a (shitty) job through luck, not merit.
but then an important friend told me not to settle for less than what i thought i deserved.
which meant i could give up and Die. or i could keep on searching.
i got my current position three days after looking into the eyes of Pure Despair.
(WIPES SWEAT)
that’s the condensed version and i skipped over the crying scenes so i do not look pathetic.
my current place is a tech company; there are infinite snacks and our CEO rented out a theatre so we could all watch rogue one on company time. my boss is cool and i’ve learned a lot about excel. i don’t come home frustrated and i don’t go to work as bitter as i’d used to be. while i haven’t connected to anyone on a personal level, the difference in comfort from where i was to where i am makes me not care at all--
it’s not ideal, because this isn’t the kind of work i want to do for the rest of my life. but, it’s a start and i’m making more money, so i can’t complain.
i guess where this leaves me is to look at what all this was for. in the process of getting my life started, it’s kind of surreal to see that i haven’t drawn or written much anything worthwhile-- like, i redid my weebly: http://caesthetic.weebly.com/ and i forced a style change ala
but that’s a farcry to the levels of creative production and ambition i had five~six years ago:
(both in 2012)
i’m where i want to be so to say... but when i look back on what i’ve neglected, it feels kinda bad too LOL.
(I’M NEVER SATISFIED WHY AM I NEVER SATISFIED)
but ehhh i’m a bull when it comes to goals and plans; one thing at a time and 2017′s resolutions it is >:^ O
aside from that, my astrology game got better, i’m pretty cool with hanging by myself, and i got better at make-up and dressing myself. i sold to buffalo exchange TWICE, SUCCESSFULLY!! ! ! ! a girl at AX approached me just to tell me i was “really good looking” before running away. two handsome dudes said i looked “so good” at the 85c. a sephora employee said he always wanted to tell me how much he liked my coords. also a pretty girl at H+M said i was super pretty.
these are all important 2016 highlights.
ok hi i thank you again for reading if you are not future!cae.
(twitter: https://twitter.com/ohcaesu/status/686109360846553092; these were all in january)
my early 2016 what i wore’s were less standardized compared to the year prior. not everything needed to be layered; they only had to be coordinated interestingly and in accordance to my body proportions.
HOWEVUH.
MY SELFIES WERE ALL UGLY. BECAUSE I HAD NO CONCEPT OF EYELINER SYMMETRY AND ALSO MY EYEBROWS SUCKED.
ALSO I HAD NO CONCEPT OF WATCHING THE DOUBLE CHIN WHAT THE FUCK
(https://twitter.com/ohcaesu/status/687770802075205632 another good outfit, bad selfie)
(good to decent outfits)
(bad selfies)
(at least i started tilting my camera right side up sometime in february--)
a lot of this had to do with the fact that my glasses obscured the tops of my eyes!!! so i felt like i looked super boring unless you could see the wing : q on top of that i’d yet to discover that not all lipsticks are awful... it was because i hadn’t found my colour.
i came to the realization in april that my makeup looks x45564541656346584 better when you can see the tops of my eyes
(ew my brows are shit here)
(another example)
it thus makes sense for me to get metal rimmed glasses so you can see my eyes
i loved the vibe difference a lot, esp since you could see more of my face which forced me to learn how to contour and do my brows and lighten the fuck up on my eyeliner
i had a lot of fun w/ the vibe difference :^0 esp since it opened the door for more breezy looks
https://twitter.com/ohcaesu/status/795894691652718592 (the first time i didn’t hate my face w/o glasses omg !!!!)
--
by the tail end of october, i started wearing my contacts more, which lead me to realize why the wire frames -- in spite showing more of my face-- didn’t present the same effect as me wearing contacts and fake glasses.
it’s because my glasses will always shrink my eyes because of the way the glass refracts light
8 ^ I
with that in mind, i started only wearing wire frames on weekdays for comfort and contacts + fake glasses on weekends for Style.
the thing about fashion frames is that there’s a lot more interesting styles to pick from and boyo did i use these ones from forever 21 to hell and back.
Hey. I managed to get my hands on one of your beautiful design on dA and was wondering. Do you allow your designs to be used commercially? Not the art itself. But the design if given proper credit. Im writing a story and want to include them. But wanted to make sure its okay with you.
oh man definitely go ahead :^0 let me know what you come up w/!!!!! i’m excited to see! * _ *
my art output was so pathetic this year that this banner serves no purpose aside from visual cohesion. BUT VISUAL COHESION IS V. IMPORTANT TO ME. SO! HERE WE GO!
looking back on my resolutions, it looks like i failed! all my resolutions! aside from the last one! OOPS!
but it is as the old chinese saying goes...
“plans cant catch up to changes~”
-nie, 12/30/15 1:02AM
this will be all introspection w/ regard to personality development b/c i like keeping these kinds of things on file. there is also a selfie compilation if you scroll fast enough too.
THANK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR PATIENCE! IF YOU SO CHOOSE TO READ THIS! or if u look at my selfies? IDK!
--
i don't readily mention my career path, because it's something i introduce to strangers as "gutwrenchingly boring."
not to self-deprecate over it, but for someone with Serious Pride issues, my choices are because i had no idea what i wanted to do: my passion had died for psychology and academia, and all i truly, really wanted in life was time and money all to myself.
(...and also the knowledge that i wouldn't be looked down upon. + _ +)
human resources came as a natural progression. my parents pushed for it, and to make at least one party happy, i, for the first time in my life, listened to them. school was easy, so the classes are easy, although sometimes an annoyance as they took away both my time and my money.
again, i never mentioned it, but i managed to obtain an HR internship at my dad's work.
i first grappled with the notion that i'd won the position due to my dad's influence... and i could feel that pressure to perform as co-workers came to see me.
(to my delight, i'd find that it wasn't my dad's doing that landed me the position; another employee's kid had tried and failed to win my seat.)
(even though this fact doesn't come across so well; it sucks when your dad cares, and can't help but check-up)
i'd get over those issues, even as the work became boring, and the other internship remains boring. it only bolstered my courage! to job search with the new year!
but, what i couldn't get over was my loneliness.
that was smth nie helped me get over, and what i'm most proud of conquering this year.
CONTEXT: as a kid, my greatest fear was to lose all my friends. and as my friendships became more an emotional cocoon to my mental well-being, the fears only deepened.
but, things happen because they always do.
and soon i'd find myself with fewer and fewer (to almost no one) at my company. i'd hoped that my new work situation would help my case. but, interns are temporal. and i look young. with no practicality in the connection, i can't blame anyone aside from myself for the disappointment.
i first looked to myself: why! god cae WHy can't you like people for who they are. whY MUST YOU BORE SO EASILY.
and then i looked to myself more deeply: i wonder if there's something wrong with me, that i can't make more friends. do people sense my boredom? am *I* boring?
it wasn't as if i was stagnating in life. i'm doing a good job, and going somewhere in at least one area. but i *felt* like i was stagnating in the midst of all this monotony. so, between work and between school i resigned to the future. things won't always stay this way! i just needed to keep my priorities straight, and things would flow my way!
ofc nie curbstomped this mindset and asked me WHAT MY PROBLEM WAS AND WHY I COULDN"T SEE THE OPPORTUNITIES I HAD CURRENTLY. THE FREE TIME I DID HAVE BUT WAS PISSING AWAY BEING SAD... THE FACT THAT IM LIVING WITH MY PARENTS AND CAN USE MY EXTRA MONEY TO BUY CUTE CLOTHES.... THE FACT THAT MY PARENTS LOVE ME AND WE HANG OUT AND WE WON'T BE ABLE TO DO THIS WHEN IM OLDER.... AND ALSO im the only constant in my life, man. what if friends don't come. there's literally like. no point in creating expectations because expectations can only be followed by DISAPPOINTMENT. TAKE... CARE OF YOURSELF CAE...
and also i was yelled at for putting off my art and writing, because i was out of practice and became Ashamed and therefore Demotivated by my Output. whoops.
ANYWAY. that's what happened this year in the life of cae, the ever existential-crising fish. That's mE.
I also got into astrology and im sure the other highlight of 2015 was when i did a reading for a certain Somebody that i've been astro admiring from the darkness. and was told that i'd given her the most accurate reading in her six years of doing this
*BEAMS*
*BEAMMMMSSSS*
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THIS NAVEL-GAZING! HERE IS A PROGRESSION OF SELFIES AS I BECAME MORE COMFORTABLE WITH! business casual clothing.
enjoy... :’^0...
AH YES IN JANUARY. WHEN I DIDN”T EVEN THINK I’D BE IN A business casual setting 20 hours of my life each week
i painted my glasses last year, but i soon realized that those frames weren't really flattering my face! so i switched over to my chanels in the middle of jan. : q
the chanels were nice because they were such a neutral color and they suited my face from an objective POV. but, they never really felt *me* in the style sense.
i also literally only wore like one shape in all my outfits wtf: another and another and another. which LOOKED COOL TO ME THEN, but is really really boring to these eyes now !!
IN MARCH, HOWEVER... I'D SOON DISCOVER THE POWER OF CURLING ONE'S HAIR... AND HOW I LOOKED.... 80% CUTER... although i wasn't comfortable quite yet, going the full fuwa fuwa it planted
the Seeds
i applied for that interview at my dad's place and to my horror i realized i had absolutely NO BUSINESS CASUAL. i cried, but the first coat i ever bought was a harlowe and graham to throw over Everything. the first pic here was my.... interview outfit (don't make fun of me man)
FROM HERE, THE OUTFITS BECAME SPARSE as i tried to balance my personality with what i believed was "proper" for a business josei!
inevitably, i leaned toward "business josei more" and was Very Unhappy.
cardigan hell was awful and i spent a month looking for a BLAZER to soothe my pain.
because, i mean yeah i looked alright and i mastered the art of the shirt tuck to edit for proportions... but it wasn't me, man!!!
come june, i realized that it was not only the cardigans but the Glasses Too. like ill save the glasses essay for another post, but omg. glasses are so important. how could i LIVE? LIKE THAT FOR SO LONG?
SO I WENT SHOPPING... FOR BETTER GLASSES... inevitably i settled on the last frames + _ + my beautiful raybans i bought w/ my extra d0$h...
EMBOLDENED by this move... closer... to what i desired appearance-wise, i decided that i would change my hairstyle! that i would get a haircut made for BIG POOFY HAIR. (through august!)
i also started wearing my liner a bit darker... to suit this increasingly bold look...
i also started trying on new shapes. my head was far more suited to my tastes and i thought to myself: I CAN! IF I COULD CURL MY HAIR WITH SUCH RECKLESS ABANDON! WHAT’S STOPPING ME FROM WEARING A LONG SKIRT! (september). my casual wear game got better too, b/c i paid greater attention to fit and had more tailored options in my closet!
AW SHUCKS, i will not be tabling BUT! i will be wandering (especially by smiliees ‘ table at I66/67)!!! the prints are for trade and food and doodles HO HO HO.
LMK IF WE SHOULD MEET, OR IF I SHOULD LEAVE A THING W/ LILY (hi lily) AS I DISAPPEAR INTO THE CROWDS, OKAY!!
MSpaint! thank you 2 gunforfeet who helped me through this Long and Arduous process.
&& AYYY AS PER TRADITION, i’m GOING TO AX2015! however i WILL NOT TABLE! just wandering and trading out prints of the above and maybe an FMA:B print if i get the time! SAY HI TO ME, OKAY!!!
fullsize because the internet is unkind to pixels.
gummygunk
stormborns
pixelskylines
vaporwave
jacobvanloon
