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@changeofperceptionn
Why
Tell me every reason to still be here. Tell me every reason I'm alive. That I should belong. Tell me please.
You have a family that loves you, a boy who loves you, and yet yo dn't understand why you are still a part of this world.
I'm scared to even think what the next step is. I'm scared.
Please tell me why
Drinking
Why is this such a problem for me?
There is no limit.
Regardless of the fact that I have been sober for 7 months, drinks still don't hit me that hard.
I just want to be back into my own comfort zone.
I want to relax.
I want to be me.
I want to be okay.
When we go back into the states.. I just needs to be back to normal.
THAT is the goal.
Proud Teacher Moment
This is when I'm out for a day and my aides know how to takes care of my classroom and all the routines that go with it to makes ure the students know what to expect.
This is when I ask my aides randomly to sing my goodmorning song, and only half of them get it. So I get the point to I get to quiz them.
This is for when I've been teaching ASL throughout the school year and ask my kids/aids to sign me their name. And they've been practicing.
There are so many negatives in the year. There are so many faults. There are so many complaints. So many faults.
But I need to remember.. Look at the positives.
Everyone is trying to the best of their abiliites. Screw administration. Screw being forgotten cause you're SPED.
If you have the right team, if you have the right heart.. you'll be okay.
Life
Love is love and love is a compassion.
I know there is a lot of things that have to be considered.
I love what I do and I know and know wha i want to surround myself around. If i haven’t talked to you in a few months. That is a reason why. If you left me broken-hearted for no reason at all, there is a reason.
I don’t know what i”m doing i don’t know what I’m up to. I don’t have all the answers. So stop asking me for them. To figure out all the problems in the workplace its’ not my place to be because I’m not even in charge anymore.
“When you feel an emotion, don’t numb it. It’s only going to make it feel worse later. Feel it fully then let it go.” -I find myself crying alone or in my classroom, or my bedroom a lot in order to let it all go. People always tell me that I need to hold it all in and be strong, but that’s not the truth.. you need to let it out.. or else you’ll explode.
Being honest is real. Being who you need to be now is real.
I know what I’m meant to do and what I’m meant to say and what I’m supposed to accomplish, but I am still at a lost in how to portray it.
I show up and do the work. And I seek in anyways a snippet of happiness.
If there is a happy family, there is a happy class. If there is a happy class, there are happy children. That is all that matters.
Happiness chooses you when you choose it.
That’s the whole journey.
Room 20
It’s kinda amazing really. I love bringing people from different places together. I’ve been trying to do that since middle school.
There was never a really set friend group. People had their cliques and their groups and their expectations of one another.. but I’d like to think that mushing them together just makes the place a better world.
Room 20 is a a mixture of diversity, personalities, chaos, maturity, immaturity, vibes, and in a way a wholesomeness. We accept who we are, all completely different, but we gather as one.
This has been a shitty year, but I can say I have made friends, built relationships, and know this little classroom has become a family.
No regrets.
I am livid. Screw you for not allowing my students to go on a field trip with their peers just because they require a wheelchair bus.
Screw you for giving us hope that inclusion was a possibility.
Screw you.
I’m fucking done.
I will fight for my kids til the end. And if they don’t get what they deserve, what the parents expect and want them to get another experience, fuck you
Who knows how long these kids are going to be alive. At least give them the satisfaction of an experience.
At least give them that.
I went too far. Remember to let go.
Why?
Why did I choose to be special education teacher in this time of year, of life. Why would someone choose such a profession that you are ignored, depleted.. WHY?
I think my kids deserves all the things the rest of the world does. Just cause you’re nonverbal, just cause you’re non-ambulatory, just cause they think you can’t, YOU CAN.
My kids deserve field trips, outdoor experiences, to be with their peers, and to be out there and shown to the world that they are the same.
My kids are what I fight for. They have personalities that would surprise you. There are all special. And I know all of them see them as “special,” but it’s not like that.
They are beautiful. They are kind. They are rude. They are crazy. They are everything a child should be. But they CAN’T express it how you’re used to the norm.
I choose to be a special ed teacher. I choose.. because I believe in them. I believe they are more capable than you can ever imagine.
They can learn. They can grow. They can do anything if you teach them and let them grow.
Special Ed is a certain person. But if you have it, you have it.
And I have it.
Me
I am a special Ed teacher. I teach mod/severe currently teaching the medically fragile.
I’m proud of my profession.
I hate that I miss you.
Love
Love is something that is supposed to come to you hard. It is something that is supposed to be something you see and you want and need at the same time.
What is this love?
What is love?
Communication, sacrifice, being for them endlessly.. being caring, loving, accepting of all faults and everything else.
I’m not sure I’m in love anymore.
Tell me I’m broken without being broken. The system is broken. Screw the system. No one cares about my kids. The higher ups, the admin. Tell me how to feel about this. There is a shortage on teachers, there’s of even more loss on special education.
Make us want to quit. Make is feel vulnerable. Make us want to feel like daycare.
I love teaching. I love seeing my kids learn. I love seeing them grow. But if you give me the time and the space and the right support, I can do it. I have seen it.
I cannot sleep. I dream about work. I love my work. This is my dedication to my job. So don’t mess around with me because you don’t know what goes on in my classroom. Stay more than 1 minute. That’s not okay.
Give me a breath. No breaks. No lunches. How is this stable? How is this okay? Most of my kids are told to their parents they won’t last a year, 2 years, 5 years.. they all deserve an experience, a life.. and I want to be the person to give it to them when I can.
So admin.. STOP. Stop being so demeaning. These kids deserve the world. They are wonderful and beautiful. Give them a chance. They have fought through it all. And they’re still here.
Just give me a breath and hope we will survive the year.
Survival Mode.
They’re going to try to break you down as much as they can. They’re going to throw you every curveball. They’re going to push you until they can get rid of you.
Just a few more months. I’ve made, what I feel, friends in my classroom. I know the parents appreciate me and want me to stay. They, the administration, are horrid at this point.
Survival mode at its best.
Power through!
I need a break. I’m on break and I still need a break.
Chances
Hold in a deep breath and remember where you are where you’re going.
Another chance to prove yourself. Another chance to prove you’re worth it.
BUT you know, you’ve always been worth it. Yet, you don’t believe it.
All the opportunities that are offered, all the positive recognition you’ve gotten.. you still don’t believe that you’re good enough.
I would always wonder “Why”?
I know I have the capabilities to make a lot things happen. I know I have the capabilities to make things change. I am really at just at a lost for now.
THey say leave, I don’t want to give up.
They say quit, but I”m not a quitter.
Everything that has happened this past year, I have pushed through. I know I am capable of handling it. I just need support and understanding that it’s capable.
Give them a chance and they will succeed.
Teaching has always been hard, special ed especially.. BUT this is my job, this is the career I chose, this is want to do for the rest of my life.
I chose this career because I love my kids, I love my support, and I love seeing them grow. I love seeing them thrive, even when the world sees them as “different” I see them as such wonderful human beings.
I am going to take the chance to see how it goes.. If I hurt in the end, it would be only my self doing . If things change, that’ll be great.. If not..
At least I tried.
Stay true to the ones who stick by you and know you best.