From a young age I’ve been told that I was different, something was wrong with me, too active, too different, too stubborn, cared too much, cared too little, too niche, too complicated. Not A4. In the end it turns out I’m just neurodivergent. shocker, I know. High functioning autistic, to be exact, although I don’t like that word, that phrase “high functioning”, it’s always been used to justify the idea that I’m “so close to normal” that I “basically don’t need support” and that pressuring me into fitting the allistic criteria of the world around me is not harmful at all. I’m more inclined to believe that I’m somewhere more moderately in need of support, I’m just high-masking, I’ve configured a way to blend in. A way that takes immense effort and requires a good amount of energy from me, that allistic people use for other things in their day, like keeping their house tidy or other expected things. I’m not “high functioning”, it just doesn’t feel right to call my life that, especially considering how I live with severe traumatic mental illness. I’m an acronym collector at this point, my pda autism doesn’t help the matter. Because I was labelled as “high functioning” I often get labelled as “lazy” because spending so much energy being the “high functioning” individual leads to burnout and energy debt. Nothing left to do normal allist things with. and of course I try to unmask, but the world around me doesn’t like it, it doesn’t like when I wear headphones everywhere to lessen sensory overload, when I wear baggy clothes to feel more relaxed, when I carry stuffed animals, when I speak plainly, when Im not excitable, when I rant about my favourite subjects, when I express discomfort, when I stim, when I remove myself from situations, feeling unbecome in societal genders, having a strict schedule to follow or else my day is disrupted and debilitatingly ruined. All these unmasking traits, people don’t like, because they expect me “high functioning autistic person” to just be a quirky allist. But I’m not, I’m a disabled person with an invisible disability, but when that disability becomes visible, people do not like it. They want me to be their normal, they think the easiest thing for me is to be their normal. And then they get so surprised when you explain you are never unmasked around them.
yousharknotpass
izzy806
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