Loki

chaotic academia, Hellenistic pagan and witch they/them writer mostly my rant/poetry account

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

Venting my frustrations here instead of getting a diary part X

A series of events:

I buy a history text book for my classes. It's this large, A4, 300+ paged brick.

We don't use them textbooks as ALL in class. The teacher has his own presentations and we write down stuff from them as notes and study from that.

We have a scheduled test on Monday.

I study from my notes over the Weekend.

On Monday, I realise I don't know shit from the notes, so I grab the textbook and throw it in my backpack to study on the bus.

I open the textbook.

The material for the test isn't there. At all.

We finished the fkn textbook a month ago.

It's MAY. We would've finished it in April.

I'm 100% either gonna fail or somehow get an A+.

I still don't know shit.

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

Small things that I think are more important to my identity than my gender and represent me better. Bc why should I think of myself as a/an 'girl', 'enby', 'transgender', 'genderqueer', 'genderfluid' when it matters so little?

- stars

- dnd dice

- tieflings/drows

- pretty rocks

- the colour green

- corvuses? corvi? idk what the plural form of corvus is

- pretty tarot cards

- the sea at night

- forget-me-nots

- my Tat's camouflage jacket which my Maman stole

- stars, probably

- stickers

- liking girls

- passiflora flowers

- colourful, fluffy hair

- the scent of lemon

- poppies

- Apollo and Artemis

- on the topic of greek gods: Nyx, Zagreus, Hecate, Persephone.

- have I said stars already?

- for me it's specifically the Draco constellation bc that's what my scout team is called

- vines

- spirals. both the shape and the TMA fear

- linen

- a small red pocketknife with flowers that i brought from a charity shop

- whale sharks

- witchcraft

- chipped nail polish that's a different colour on each finger

- cheap rings that stain your skin

- paint stained hands

- my hands in general. i identify as what i can do rather than my looks

- my black notebook, that isn't my diary, but in a way it could be. it has fanfiction, original works, plans for scout meet-ups, notes from classes (including straight up c++ code) and every thing i need written down in everyday life

- stars, perhaps?

- doc martens or off-brand, pale green converse, depending on the day

- magpies

- the old fairy tale books i have from my childhood

- changelings

- stars

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

You're sleeping at an elementary school. The walls are covered in colourful DIY's reminding you of the good old times. (They were never good. But at least the world had you convinced you could ever accomplish something. They called you 'gifted', not 'with potential'. One is a supernova. The other a spark that burns out too rapidly.)

You're there as a guardian. Kids look up to you and call you 'sir', they come to you when they're hurt or afraid. You think of yourself, when looking at them. (You used to look like that too. One day, they'll be what you are now)

It's meant to be night hours, they're meant to be silent. They're not, unlike you were. But you remember how your friends would laugh and scream in the late hours. So you don't comment on the noise. For those quiet kids it might be home. It might be their everything.

But because it's night, you're allowed to 'rest'. All the other adults know each other and they're gossipping, your other friends ignoring you. You're ignoring them back, you suppose. At home, you would long have been asleep. But these places, at these events, never sleep. You can't either, you'll have to wake later regardless.

So you're there, overstimulated, silently grateful while people complain about there being too little people. What do they mean, too little? It's loud, it's hot, it's weird and you just had about a dozen exams and didn't get an opportunity to sleep of the week.

You're struggling to peel off handmade stickers to stick them onto the souveniers you give to those attending this event. You remember when you were the one getting them. How many have you carelessly lost, not sparing them a second thought? (You can count them, on your fingers. You pretended you don't miss them, that you haven't gotten attached to the small signs you belong.)

Older you is tired. That's nothing new, truly.

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

All these girlies out there getting acrylics meanwhile i'm here, purposefully buying the cheapest possible nail polishes cuz it'll chip away anyway. Who cares? You get to have fun, you can change the colours whenever you want, it's cheap and far quicker.

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

Reality is ugly,

only words my heart brings to mind as I watch everything burn are vulgarisms,

so I twist it into false art, create metaphors out of dust,

those who claim it is beauty, darling, you can not trust.

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

My painting process be like:

- ooh ooh cool idea

- it looks like shit

- i will not trust the process

- i am poor and painting over with my awful quality paints does not get the canvas to the same-ish colour

- to hell with it, i shall use the corpse of my forever unfinished creation as underpainting for another idea

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

Creation feasts on creator,

Ouranus put order to previous chaos,

Kronos slay the sky,

Thunder slew his father,

rather akin to this have we turned our swords onto Gaea.

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

I just speedran understanding over a week of math classes missed in 15minutes. I did the same thing last month. I understand both topics better than I did when the teacher explained.

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

It's the holy communion,

the bread tastes of meat,

iron stains of my tongue,

grotesque cannibalism as a metaphor for love.

That's what the priest says,

to love is to sacrifice,

my hands are made to hold them together,

legs so I can get down on my knees,

tongue so I can pray to you,

my darling, do you wish for me to bleed?

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

They ask me, who hurt you?

Bold of you to assume, I have not hurt myself,

even bolder to think it was not you.

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

Am I that interesting of a species, that you have to stare?

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

Teatrum Mundi, I feel, is just as comforting as it is disturbing. My actions have no meaning whatsoever, they don't change anything, I have no free will. But. I was created for something, to serve a purpose, I'm not the universes accident else the playwriter would not include me.

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

My colour theory knowledge (which there is less than understanding of the Polish language, somehow) comes entirely from make up tiktoks. I do not do make up unless it's that one time, aprox thrice a year. I have not went to art school, nor watched any tutorials on youtube. I'm participating in an Artshow in a week. That one painting I wanted to submit isn't allowed bc of it's theme. It is the only good painting I have. I am stressing. Why is this happening to me? I'm an AP math/physics student, what am I doing with my life?

The current disaster of a WIP below. I would much rather be reading fanficiton.

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

somehow i have managed to make the piece look good. yay.

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

My colour theory knowledge (which there is less than understanding of the Polish language, somehow) comes entirely from make up tiktoks. I do not do make up unless it's that one time, aprox thrice a year. I have not went to art school, nor watched any tutorials on youtube. I'm participating in an Artshow in a week. That one painting I wanted to submit isn't allowed bc of it's theme. It is the only good painting I have. I am stressing. Why is this happening to me? I'm an AP math/physics student, what am I doing with my life?

The current disaster of a WIP below. I would much rather be reading fanficiton.

[chaoticbabywitchcalledloki]

Chaotic Academia things>>

- pretty yet illegible handwriting

- sharpening pencils into your case

- can't be bothered dressing all aesthetic despite loving how it looks

- next to no studying but gets good grades

- homework is done in the bus or during breaks between lessons

- studying different subjects in different classes (doing math in English, biology in physics)

- messy hair

- chipped nail polish

- remembering every test yet not homework

- remembering every test yet not studying

- getting a planner because you forget deadlines, forgetting to write said deadlines in the planner.

- writing in pen when ppl want you to use pencil, using pencil instead of pen

- writing the most gutwrenching poetry yet never showing it to anyone

- never finishes their work

- cooked attention span but will sit for hours non stop reading one book

- study playlist ranging from Chopin through punk rock to video game music (which also happens to be your everyday playlist)

- loves antique literature (Odyssey, Oedipus) Rex) hates everything that happens later (Shakespeare)

- Yeah, I want to be a writer. / You're in AP physics and math

- wanting to learn everything, way to bored in class

- either perfect punctuation or every second word is an abbreviation in texts, no inbetween

- man, I hate english. / repeatedly getting extremely good marks and places in contests.

- freezing cold water in winter

- hot chocolate in summer