cw// suicide theme
Sirius,
Everything feels final. Each move I make, each tiny change I make in the world is somehow, in a very poetic way, detached from me. I have nothing left to take or give. It’s okay, I know that it’s okay. It’s not that I don’t have anything left to live for or anything as grand and impactful as that, I've just finished. I’m not sad or happy, I’m not overspilling with gut wrenching stories of suffocating hope or guilt.
I would hate it if people called me selfish for doing this. I would hate that to the very core of my being because this isn’t about everyone else - for once it’s about me for one small to-be-forgotten moment. Please don’t let them sob over me, I trust you not to let salty meaningless tears track their rosy cheeks because they didn’t know me. It really kills me when they cry in earnest for someone they never knew so please don’t let me become just another sob story - I would far rather be just forgotten, lost in the passage of time, just another body in the ground. I hope that as you read this you’re not tearing up. I really do hope no water is making the ink run.
What lies ahead is unknown, perhaps waiting with open arms or lurking just beyond engulfed in shadows. I don’t know and I’m a little scared but I am ready to gladly welcome the end.
Memories won’t be consuming you as you read this - there’s nothing to remember just splashes of colour and words, nothing really. I am not going to pretend I am worried or in the slightest concerned about what you will do once I am gone - you have others so I’m allowing myself the focus for this letter.
I partly wrote this to say goodbye and alleviate some of the guilt you may or may not be carrying but mostly to convince myself of what’s to come, to make it solid and sure and definite. You may one day work out why I died, you may be told, you may find out. You probably won’t but you possibly will. If not then hold onto the fact that I rid the world of myself for a greater reason to make up for the appalling life I’ve led and wasted. I am proud to call you my brother. I know the feeling is not mutual but maybe one day you will be proud to call me of your blood, I hope so - you were always there for me and I will forever be grateful for that but this letter is for me not you.
I have nothing more to add. I would be lying if I told you I was sorry because I’m not, as selfish as that may sound. I wish you all the best in life and hope you can let this letter wash over you permit me a second of your time to remember and then hold your peace.
I love you dearly and you will forever be my brother.