lucy

deaddadblogging | mutuals only please

[spcecowboyyy]

been feeling very christina’s world lately

[charlotte-street]

[charlotte-street]

reading fun home oh my god i need to kill myself

[charlotte-street]

like i know my dad didnt kill himself but sometimes i imagine he did. whats the difference between ignoring your health issues for twenty years and stepping in front of a truck. only one can be a split second decision. my aunt gets mad at him often for not taking care of himself enough. i dont get mad at him personally but the thought makes me feel long and sad and also doomed because i cant bring myself to live any differently than he did. we didnt have an autopsy so it was probably a heart attack and hed started on cholesterol medication the weak before and probably his last words were something about feeling light headed and his chest hurt the morning he woke up. so it was probably a heart attack and it was probably exacerbated by the way my dad through himself into everything all the time and the fact he just loved food so much. he always valued taste over functionality until my sister was becoming a for real athlete a few years ago but then that was just for her. this is not to say we didnt eat healthy but just that he didnt see the point in not using bacon grease or something. i dont have any definitive proof that this love of food is what killed him but i suspect it. and to him cooking and eating were the best parts of life and that was so important to him and therefore to me that i will probably also die young from trying to enjoy life too much. feeling alone and doomed

[charlotte-street]

reading fun home oh my god i need to kill myself

[rpfofficial]

it's crazy how february-june didn't happen

[opiates]

[charlotte-street]

i wish it had all been different

[charlotte-street]

okay watching the bear did fuck me up tonight bad. the only solo trip i ever did with my dad was to chicago and i loved it so bad. one of the best experiences of my life. it made me miss him so much even in just the first two episodes. we haven’t even gotten to the episode where sydney eats at some of the same places me and my dad went to i might actually die upon rewatch. also via chicago making me want to kill myself. very pointedly i can’t listen to summerteeth right now. it was one of his favorite albums ever and mine too. he called it wilcos revolver. but it was in the episode and now i can’t stop thinking about it. not to even mention the cooking. and the breeders etc. i wanted him to watch it so bad but he didn’t want to. i wish we had been able to watch it together really badly so he could tell me every story he had about working in restaurants and if they were fucking anything up in the show. god it just hadn’t hurt like this in a while. i really miss chicago and i miss my dad even more

[charlotte-street]

[charlotte-street]

took a late evening shower before i’m supposed to hang out with friends tonight. showering is literally the path that leads you to evil. anyways said friends i haven’t talked to two since my dad and i haven’t talked to one in a month. i just cried in the shower trying to think about relating to or talking to them. my life is so fucked bad. well i’m sorry friend. i know we bonded over movies but im not sure i can stomach it anymore do you still want to be friends. how have my last six months been. well basically i’ve been wanting to kill myself. oh my god i don’t know if i can do it. i feel like i want to throw up and cancel my plans. these friendships are so important to me but i just don’t know. wouldn’t life be so much easier if all i did was hang out with my mom forever

[charlotte-street]

so it was mostly fine except we got up to this really beautiful spot where you could see the whole city and then i cried in front of my friends for like fifteen minutes. help me please

[charlotte-street]

i hateee my stupid fucking life.

[charlotte-street]

took a late evening shower before i’m supposed to hang out with friends tonight. showering is literally the path that leads you to evil. anyways said friends i haven’t talked to two since my dad and i haven’t talked to one in a month. i just cried in the shower trying to think about relating to or talking to them. my life is so fucked bad. well i’m sorry friend. i know we bonded over movies but im not sure i can stomach it anymore do you still want to be friends. how have my last six months been. well basically i’ve been wanting to kill myself. oh my god i don’t know if i can do it. i feel like i want to throw up and cancel my plans. these friendships are so important to me but i just don’t know. wouldn’t life be so much easier if all i did was hang out with my mom forever

[charlotte-street]

six months

[charlotte-street]

[charlotte-street]

i have my own dance yrself clean story well i have a lot of them ive been listening to it my whole life basically. i can remember hearing it in the car for the first time. my dad was so excited by it and i loved the stuff about present company. i thought they were two different songs so i didnt really love it for a while. i wasnt interested in music the first time i heard it so like it didnt infect me. but it was always always around. my dad often liked to rewatch shut up and play the hits we probably watched it together four or five times. in various sections. not that thats the most important part of shut up and play the hits but it was always so stellar. anyways so the most recent story i have about this is my dad watched this documentary series called omnivore and there was this episode chile. about chiles and like. my dad and i were super obsessed with spicy food. loved getting szechuan hot pot until we both cried. so the episode is really good and interesting but near the end theres this moment where chiles are served to everyone and people start to experience the spice at the same time dance yrself clean drops its bass line. its so beautiful. my dad was really obsessed with it. kind of transcendentally beautiful and true. im glad he made me watch it and talk about it with him. really beautiful last memory of dance yrself clean. i think about it pretty much all the time since he died. he thought about it a lot constantly. maybe his favorite use of music in a movie/tv show. and it was about peppers. i dont know its so bittersweet.

[charlotte-street]

wrote this whole thing without listening to it. just imagining. but im listening to it now. and crying

[charlotte-street]

i have my own dance yrself clean story well i have a lot of them ive been listening to it my whole life basically. i can remember hearing it in the car for the first time. my dad was so excited by it and i loved the stuff about present company. i thought they were two different songs so i didnt really love it for a while. i wasnt interested in music the first time i heard it so like it didnt infect me. but it was always always around. my dad often liked to rewatch shut up and play the hits we probably watched it together four or five times. in various sections. not that thats the most important part of shut up and play the hits but it was always so stellar. anyways so the most recent story i have about this is my dad watched this documentary series called omnivore and there was this episode chile. about chiles and like. my dad and i were super obsessed with spicy food. loved getting szechuan hot pot until we both cried. so the episode is really good and interesting but near the end theres this moment where chiles are served to everyone and people start to experience the spice at the same time dance yrself clean drops its bass line. its so beautiful. my dad was really obsessed with it. kind of transcendentally beautiful and true. im glad he made me watch it and talk about it with him. really beautiful last memory of dance yrself clean. i think about it pretty much all the time since he died. he thought about it a lot constantly. maybe his favorite use of music in a movie/tv show. and it was about peppers. i dont know its so bittersweet.

[charlotte-street]

friend sent me a video from the sedarises today talking about grief. i’m not sure if he ever liked everybody’s talkin’ (the not knowing is the worst) but i do know that he liked moose