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@checkoutthisdisaster
Massive L to our ancestors for not domesticating the Bear for the ultimate friend
i sympathize with the post on the one hand but also ‘man we shoulda domesticated bears’ has the same energy as a divorced dad being like ‘i should have married that girl from high school’ when the girl in question was never ever interested and also turned out to be a lesbian frontwoman for an obscure but respected ska revival band
gonna bitch real fast
Keep reading
I wrote this when i was super sad and I thought I’d never get into grad school but now I did get into grad school…like my fr dream school that I pretended wasn’t my dream school so I could save face if I got rejected. I actually got into a lot of the schools I applied to. And it’s so cool that that happened. Also a lot of stuff happened this year just in general for me as a person I kinda dated a girl (???!!) and it didn’t work out but I ended it responsibly and didn’t let it drag on for 8 billion years which is what the old me would have done. And I think I learned things about myself through that experience. And I guess before I thought no one except for greasy stupid boys would ever like me but now I guess I know that girls like me too. It’s cool that sometimes stuff works out and maybe I should post more angsty stuff so I can look back on it afterwards after things work out and be kinda happy about it. It’s cool that things can happen that you can’t imagine. Last year I was struggling to find anywhere that would even let me get interviewed but everything sort of sorted itself out and it has only been 1 year. Also my mentor and I are like …kinda friends now? I mean not actually friends because ..we aren’t equals but we talk and stuff and she gives me advice about life. She’s really smart it’s weird because I don’t like taking advice and I’m so so difficult and argumentative but I respect her a lot so I just listen to everything she tells me to do and it’s been working out. She’s the one who told me to take a gap year (which I deeply resented at the time) but if I didn’t take one, I probably wouldn’t have had as strong an application and I wouldn’t have gotten into my dream school.
Also I think gay people really do experience a type of extended adolescence and experience most things later. And I think even after you come out expecting stuff to change immediately afterwards is a little unrealistic. Like sure some people come out and immediately start dating, but that’s definitely not super common. It didn’t happen to me until like 3 years after coming out, after college, and I was so sure no one would ever like me and I’d be alone forever and totally undesirable to anyone I could ever be attracted to but it happened. And sure, it didn’t amount to anything, but I had the experience and I know it’s possible. And now that I know it’s possible, I’m not really feeling that desperate “left out” feeling from “omigod everyone is dating but me” and now I want to wait until I like someone in real life and date them so I’ll wait. And I know that’s naiive and gay people should use the internet or those GOD AWFUL meetups but actually I don’t feel like it. The internet is weird and I disagree with meeting people that way at this time in my life. I like how people’s faces move and how they talk like voices and stuff and the internet is so visual that you kind of revert into swiping on people who superficially remind you of someone you’ve liked before, Which is SO Dumb. And on top of that… most people are ..nuts.. in general but especially in the gay dating world and I don’t wanna subject myself to that again. So I’m going to talk to people and study and be a scientist and play piano and try to learn music theory correctly for now.
Also, and this is real bonkers, I feel kind of happy with myself right now. Like where I am and even what I am, I think, even my haircut. It’s scary to be happy and like yourself a little bit but I’m going to experience it and it’s good to be grateful. Life kind of just happens so you gotta acknowledge and proceed I guess. Like Grad school is just gonna punch me in the face with work (90hrs/week avg) The amount that those students work, is crazy and they are all SO smart especially in the lab I really like. But we’ll see ya know. I like science and I want to do well and that is the same as last year. I genuinely do want to be a scientist really badly and I’m happy I feel like I have a purpose and I hope I remember this feeling in my 90th hour in lab that week in grad school.
Maybe I’ll update this once a year. It’s the most consistent thing I have that references the feelings I had at any of these points in my life.
Keep reading
Hi again. I do totally different chemistry now and the lab is moving to a better school and I guess I’m going with them. It’s a better school I used to go to a top 10 and I’m going to go to a top 5. I was totally fine on a top 10 but I guess a top 5 is better for my career. Idk I have my masters degree now I don’t know how excited I am about a phd now.
Also I’m in love. There was someone in my grad program I thought was pretty but not gay but turns out she is and had a crush on me too and now we live together. It is a long story and a very nice one but the beginning does not matter as much as now matters. We have been together for 9 months. I am very happy all the time. I moved in fast, like December, cause my roommates weren’t being super covid safe (also we are lesbians) and she lives in a single but also cases are down now and I could move back to my actual apartment but I like living with her. It feels weird to feel nice and happy all the time. I I always thought relationships were lots of work. Everyone says so. I also assumed whoever I ended up with wouldn’t like me so much or I wouldn’t like them so much but we’d have an agreement to be with each other because of similar life goals. But I like her and love her and it’s not work. I guess I could still be in a honey moon phase still. But I would never want to say anything mean so I just don’t. It seems weirdly easy I don’t know like I love her so I want to be a nice thing in her life.
I guess I’d describe it like sometimes when I do dishes she puts glasses that just had water in them into a pan that I used to cook pork. So now instead of being a glass that had water in it it is now a glass that is covered in pork oil so it’s harder to clean. And I’ve told her not to do this and she does it less now but she forgets occasionally, maybe on a day I’m super exhausted she’ll do it and I’ll feel frustrated. But I have a choice I could say something kind of rude or angry or I could take two seconds and think about how that’d make her feel and just say it later when I’ve calmed down. It takes two seconds of thought to not react impulsively but makes everything nice.
We’ve had more difficult conversations also but they are just conversations. Like no one is yelling or anything no one says anything harsh it’s just a serious thing we might not have been on the same page about that we have to fix. It’s just weird I always thought it’d be work or I’d feel pretty bad sometimes. But I always feel really nice and happy and respected. She’s always been very gentle with me and I try to do it for her also. It’s just an insane emotional experience.
There are also things that happen right now in my relationship that show me I couldn’t have had something this healthy until this point in my life. I think it is good because I was good at not being in a relationship and fine with it. Like I was content being single but having friends and science and good food. Of course I’d get drunk with my friends sometimes and be sad but I sort of accepted that a relationship might not be in my near future and might be something I tried out when I was 32-35.
I didn’t know you could get to feel nice and happy and comfortable all the time while you’re with someone. I understand I am very very lucky and and it’s mostly not my ability to refrain from snapping at someone but a lot of compatibility line ups. She’s odd and I’m also odd but in ways that match well, either because of similarities or differences. It’s distracting sleeping together sometimes. I just want to stay up late and talk. Like a slumber party everyday with your best friend. I am just the luckiest person on the’ planet. I guess I could still be in a honeymoon phase I feel like it’s hard to have too much of that after you both had food poisoning at the same time in a studio apartment but it’s possible. Either way though I’m still really excited about all the different ways we can change in the future together.
I’m happy.
I didn’t move schools. Grad school is grad school, which is to say it’s real different and weird and don’t plan for anything. I decided to leave the lab I was in and joined a lab with a work life balance. I work 5 days a week. Roughly. Probably averages to 40 hours on a 5 day work week. Sometimes less sometimes more. I have a work life balance and I’m happy. It’ll take me forever to graduate but I’m finally doing polymers again. Full circle I guess we got there eventually.
She really does make things good. It’s bad to say love fixed everything. But sometimes it can feel like that. She makes me want to be better. I left lab for me, to be happier, but I want to be happier she makes me want to be better. Love fixes some things if you let it I guess.
I still have my same brain. And I think the important part of growing up is learning to live with that. And I haven’t so I have my first appointment with a professional next week.
I cook much and eat much and clean too sometimes.
I mean there’s this other thing about growing up which is that your mind and body changes. As a teenager I remember thinking it would be the end of the universe if I “got fat” or I don’t know just human interactions stressed me out more especially with authority or perceived authority.
Like there is this bitchy professor I taught for who yelled at me in front of students for telling them to dissolve in acetone instead of water. And when he left all the students looked horrified and apologized for telling him what I told them to dissolve their stuff in . And I said “oh it’s okay when you get older that stuff doesn’t bother you so much anymore.” And it’s true, I mean it’d be different if it was like my real boss with firing power and influence. And it pissed me off that he could have undermined my authority in a lab environment which is dangerous because he just walks in occasionally and I’m teaching them the whole time. But it was late enough in the quarter that the students trusted me. And he is just a teaching professor so he’s not in charge of if I’m fired. Technically he could report me to the grad office but, that’s not really a thing. If you miss the class you’re teaching or do something stupid that endangers students or something yeah you can be reported but I mean I changed water to acetone cause it dries faster and it’s still pretty soluble in acetone.
I also changed physically. I have more fat on me than I did as a teenager. Or even as a 21 year old. Sometimes I compare myself to that version of myself and she says “weren’t you perpetually hungry and always had some nutrient deficiency” and I say something like “yeah kinda.”
So I cook a lot. With butter and cream and salt and MSG and yummy stuff. And Idk I even make enough for leftovers so we bring food to school to eat for lunch. And It’s nice it’s nice to be full. It’s nice to eat lunch. It’s nice to cook.
Everything about being with her is so different (in a nice way) from how I grew up or how I remember growing up. Like she encourages me to seek professional help when I need it. Like with my brain but also she saw a weird spot on my back and said I should make an appointment and it turned out to be nothing but my parents idk. My mom has such a negative view of mental health professionals but also just like my mom thinks its stupid to go to the doctor and really emphasizes the importance of being good at not complaining.
Sometimes I’m just doing stuff and I’m very uncomfortable and she has to remind me that I can make myself more comfortable but I’ve never prioritized that before and it’s not instinctual for me. Like it’ll be hot and I’m wearing a jacket and she’ll say “just take it off” and I’ll be like “oh yeah you can do that”
I mean obviously lots of things to sort out and fix with a professional still. Like the girl that wrote the first post exists. But I feel like I’m on the right track.
gonna bitch real fast
Keep reading
I wrote this when i was super sad and I thought I’d never get into grad school but now I did get into grad school…like my fr dream school that I pretended wasn’t my dream school so I could save face if I got rejected. I actually got into a lot of the schools I applied to. And it’s so cool that that happened. Also a lot of stuff happened this year just in general for me as a person I kinda dated a girl (???!!) and it didn’t work out but I ended it responsibly and didn’t let it drag on for 8 billion years which is what the old me would have done. And I think I learned things about myself through that experience. And I guess before I thought no one except for greasy stupid boys would ever like me but now I guess I know that girls like me too. It’s cool that sometimes stuff works out and maybe I should post more angsty stuff so I can look back on it afterwards after things work out and be kinda happy about it. It’s cool that things can happen that you can’t imagine. Last year I was struggling to find anywhere that would even let me get interviewed but everything sort of sorted itself out and it has only been 1 year. Also my mentor and I are like …kinda friends now? I mean not actually friends because ..we aren’t equals but we talk and stuff and she gives me advice about life. She’s really smart it’s weird because I don’t like taking advice and I’m so so difficult and argumentative but I respect her a lot so I just listen to everything she tells me to do and it’s been working out. She’s the one who told me to take a gap year (which I deeply resented at the time) but if I didn’t take one, I probably wouldn’t have had as strong an application and I wouldn’t have gotten into my dream school.
Also I think gay people really do experience a type of extended adolescence and experience most things later. And I think even after you come out expecting stuff to change immediately afterwards is a little unrealistic. Like sure some people come out and immediately start dating, but that’s definitely not super common. It didn’t happen to me until like 3 years after coming out, after college, and I was so sure no one would ever like me and I’d be alone forever and totally undesirable to anyone I could ever be attracted to but it happened. And sure, it didn’t amount to anything, but I had the experience and I know it’s possible. And now that I know it’s possible, I’m not really feeling that desperate “left out” feeling from “omigod everyone is dating but me” and now I want to wait until I like someone in real life and date them so I’ll wait. And I know that’s naiive and gay people should use the internet or those GOD AWFUL meetups but actually I don’t feel like it. The internet is weird and I disagree with meeting people that way at this time in my life. I like how people’s faces move and how they talk like voices and stuff and the internet is so visual that you kind of revert into swiping on people who superficially remind you of someone you’ve liked before, Which is SO Dumb. And on top of that… most people are ..nuts.. in general but especially in the gay dating world and I don’t wanna subject myself to that again. So I’m going to talk to people and study and be a scientist and play piano and try to learn music theory correctly for now.
Also, and this is real bonkers, I feel kind of happy with myself right now. Like where I am and even what I am, I think, even my haircut. It’s scary to be happy and like yourself a little bit but I’m going to experience it and it’s good to be grateful. Life kind of just happens so you gotta acknowledge and proceed I guess. Like Grad school is just gonna punch me in the face with work (90hrs/week avg) The amount that those students work, is crazy and they are all SO smart especially in the lab I really like. But we’ll see ya know. I like science and I want to do well and that is the same as last year. I genuinely do want to be a scientist really badly and I’m happy I feel like I have a purpose and I hope I remember this feeling in my 90th hour in lab that week in grad school.
Maybe I’ll update this once a year. It’s the most consistent thing I have that references the feelings I had at any of these points in my life.
Keep reading
Hi again. I do totally different chemistry now and the lab is moving to a better school and I guess I’m going with them. It’s a better school I used to go to a top 10 and I’m going to go to a top 5. I was totally fine on a top 10 but I guess a top 5 is better for my career. Idk I have my masters degree now I don’t know how excited I am about a phd now.
Also I’m in love. There was someone in my grad program I thought was pretty but not gay but turns out she is and had a crush on me too and now we live together. It is a long story and a very nice one but the beginning does not matter as much as now matters. We have been together for 9 months. I am very happy all the time. I moved in fast, like December, cause my roommates weren’t being super covid safe (also we are lesbians) and she lives in a single but also cases are down now and I could move back to my actual apartment but I like living with her. It feels weird to feel nice and happy all the time. I I always thought relationships were lots of work. Everyone says so. I also assumed whoever I ended up with wouldn’t like me so much or I wouldn’t like them so much but we’d have an agreement to be with each other because of similar life goals. But I like her and love her and it’s not work. I guess I could still be in a honey moon phase still. But I would never want to say anything mean so I just don’t. It seems weirdly easy I don’t know like I love her so I want to be a nice thing in her life.
I guess I’d describe it like sometimes when I do dishes she puts glasses that just had water in them into a pan that I used to cook pork. So now instead of being a glass that had water in it it is now a glass that is covered in pork oil so it’s harder to clean. And I’ve told her not to do this and she does it less now but she forgets occasionally, maybe on a day I’m super exhausted she’ll do it and I’ll feel frustrated. But I have a choice I could say something kind of rude or angry or I could take two seconds and think about how that’d make her feel and just say it later when I’ve calmed down. It takes two seconds of thought to not react impulsively but makes everything nice.
We’ve had more difficult conversations also but they are just conversations. Like no one is yelling or anything no one says anything harsh it’s just a serious thing we might not have been on the same page about that we have to fix. It’s just weird I always thought it’d be work or I’d feel pretty bad sometimes. But I always feel really nice and happy and respected. She’s always been very gentle with me and I try to do it for her also. It’s just an insane emotional experience.
There are also things that happen right now in my relationship that show me I couldn’t have had something this healthy until this point in my life. I think it is good because I was good at not being in a relationship and fine with it. Like I was content being single but having friends and science and good food. Of course I’d get drunk with my friends sometimes and be sad but I sort of accepted that a relationship might not be in my near future and might be something I tried out when I was 32-35.
I didn’t know you could get to feel nice and happy and comfortable all the time while you’re with someone. I understand I am very very lucky and and it’s mostly not my ability to refrain from snapping at someone but a lot of compatibility line ups. She’s odd and I’m also odd but in ways that match well, either because of similarities or differences. It’s distracting sleeping together sometimes. I just want to stay up late and talk. Like a slumber party everyday with your best friend. I am just the luckiest person on the’ planet. I guess I could still be in a honeymoon phase I feel like it’s hard to have too much of that after you both had food poisoning at the same time in a studio apartment but it’s possible. Either way though I’m still really excited about all the different ways we can change in the future together.
sakura dog
watercolour
“SWEET NOTHINGS” POCKET KNIFE | LISTING
gonna bitch real fast
Keep reading
I wrote this when i was super sad and I thought I’d never get into grad school but now I did get into grad school…like my fr dream school that I pretended wasn’t my dream school so I could save face if I got rejected. I actually got into a lot of the schools I applied to. And it’s so cool that that happened. Also a lot of stuff happened this year just in general for me as a person I kinda dated a girl (???!!) and it didn’t work out but I ended it responsibly and didn’t let it drag on for 8 billion years which is what the old me would have done. And I think I learned things about myself through that experience. And I guess before I thought no one except for greasy stupid boys would ever like me but now I guess I know that girls like me too. It’s cool that sometimes stuff works out and maybe I should post more angsty stuff so I can look back on it afterwards after things work out and be kinda happy about it. It’s cool that things can happen that you can’t imagine. Last year I was struggling to find anywhere that would even let me get interviewed but everything sort of sorted itself out and it has only been 1 year. Also my mentor and I are like …kinda friends now? I mean not actually friends because ..we aren’t equals but we talk and stuff and she gives me advice about life. She’s really smart it’s weird because I don’t like taking advice and I’m so so difficult and argumentative but I respect her a lot so I just listen to everything she tells me to do and it’s been working out. She’s the one who told me to take a gap year (which I deeply resented at the time) but if I didn’t take one, I probably wouldn’t have had as strong an application and I wouldn’t have gotten into my dream school.
Also I think gay people really do experience a type of extended adolescence and experience most things later. And I think even after you come out expecting stuff to change immediately afterwards is a little unrealistic. Like sure some people come out and immediately start dating, but that’s definitely not super common. It didn’t happen to me until like 3 years after coming out, after college, and I was so sure no one would ever like me and I’d be alone forever and totally undesirable to anyone I could ever be attracted to but it happened. And sure, it didn’t amount to anything, but I had the experience and I know it’s possible. And now that I know it’s possible, I’m not really feeling that desperate “left out” feeling from “omigod everyone is dating but me” and now I want to wait until I like someone in real life and date them so I’ll wait. And I know that’s naiive and gay people should use the internet or those GOD AWFUL meetups but actually I don’t feel like it. The internet is weird and I disagree with meeting people that way at this time in my life. I like how people’s faces move and how they talk like voices and stuff and the internet is so visual that you kind of revert into swiping on people who superficially remind you of someone you’ve liked before, Which is SO Dumb. And on top of that… most people are ..nuts.. in general but especially in the gay dating world and I don’t wanna subject myself to that again. So I’m going to talk to people and study and be a scientist and play piano and try to learn music theory correctly for now.
Also, and this is real bonkers, I feel kind of happy with myself right now. Like where I am and even what I am, I think, even my haircut. It’s scary to be happy and like yourself a little bit but I’m going to experience it and it’s good to be grateful. Life kind of just happens so you gotta acknowledge and proceed I guess. Like Grad school is just gonna punch me in the face with work (90hrs/week avg) The amount that those students work, is crazy and they are all SO smart especially in the lab I really like. But we’ll see ya know. I like science and I want to do well and that is the same as last year. I genuinely do want to be a scientist really badly and I’m happy I feel like I have a purpose and I hope I remember this feeling in my 90th hour in lab that week in grad school.
Maybe I’ll update this once a year. It’s the most consistent thing I have that references the feelings I had at any of these points in my life.
I’m glad I’m in grad school and it was very hard before covid. My mentor used to tell me not to “expect anything” like a lot of people go into grad school thinking “now I have everything figured out because I got in” and she warned me not to. She was right, as she usually is about grad school things. I so desperately wanted to be in a lab I was with over the summer, I loved the research and the students. I worked so hard trying to get the PI to like me, and I got so much done, and she was still indifferent. She finally let me back into the lab under the pretense I would join and I was ecstatic, the anxiety of not knowing where I would be the next five years was gone. Then 3 weeks later I decided it’s not worth working hard if your PI hates you, it’s too important to have that be the shitty relationship of grad school and I told my friends then I told her two weeks later and tried working for a new group.
A totally different group that’s more organic, and had almost no polymers. They have a reputation of working grad students to death and I joined that group, maybe because of that. I did that though. I did work myself to much. I was doing maybe 14 hours a day and a couple...more than that.. I convinced myself food was a waste of time and ate from vending machines or not at all. I did 7 days to get stuff done. The day work was canceled from covid I was so excited cause i hadn’t really gotten to sleep in ages that I just slept. I was definitely unhealthy about my work habits. I was at my breaking point daily I’d cry once everyone left lab and still keep working like some insane bitch who cries and does benchwork. And I don’t know, I hated it maybe but I probably have some sort of addiction. Covid really fucked it up though, now even if I get to go back to lab (which will be Monday) it’s only six hours. Which, I hate. I know it’s good but I hate it. Idk this book I’m reading says that I don’t actually “have” to work as long as I think I have to, I just invent being busy with work to not deal with my personal life which, yeah duh LOL. It’s not like my personal life is bad but feeling upset about anything in your personal life makes you feel powerless and small, and work provides some obvious clarity. Like personal things make me feel stupid and terrible about myself but working makes me feel good like “Look a task”
I definitely thought about how badly I want to be a scientist and how bored I was during my gap year to motivate me. But the 90th hour hits different haha, it’s a lot of crying mostly, motivated crying though, I suppose.
I don’t know where I will be next year. Open secret but, he told us before he was trying to move schools this summer, but obviously, he can’t now, because covid things, so he’s trying to move by next year which is a whole thing, exciting but moving everything is ...new, kinda scary. So maybe I’ll know where by then. Earnestly, I hope I improve, I know I sound nuts, but I’ve actually improved or, well I’m retaining the lessons I’ve learned. Like I’m not dating anyone still, or even close to it I guess. I’m on the app but I don’t engage and I don’t love messaging also, I become charming haha, but I’m definitely not immediately likable, -- anyway I don’t care about not dating? That stuff doesn’t both me like I’m blindly confident I’ll meet someone sometime idk. And some of my friends have self-worth so solidly rooted in how they look or other things that don’t bother me. I don’t care how I look really, I want to be strong and healthy and you know that stuff but beauty isn’t something that drives me nuts anymore. I started bouldering last year around the time I wrote that and I kept it up before I went crazy in lab lmao and then covid so I can’t now but I got a new hobby that was healthy that I really loved. I also advocate for myself. Like with the first PI who hated me, I recognized that and made the choice not to stay in that lab even though it was weird as shit to have that convo with her. Also, my current PI wanted me to work on a project I’m not interested in and he’s an intimidating PI, like they all are, but he’s got a reputation for making people cry, but I asked him for a meeting and we talked about projects for me that I’d like. Like that’s crazy but I still do it. Also some random guy bothered my friend and I while we were studying and asked for our numbers and I, not only didn’t engage with him at all, but said “no thanks” about giving out my number, I’ve literally always let people do that for me but I didn’t and apparently was so confident my friend said “I’m not LIKE you I can’t just say that!!” like it was something I’m good at. I’ve come out to everyone I’m close with. I don’t know I’m becoming more of a person and I like seeing the improvement. or at least that I don’t forget certain things. I hope I continue to improve, and I’m not too mean to myself no matter what happens haha. “Growth”
Jazmine Hughes
fucking losing it at the concept of a reverse Holmes and Watson like there's this genius journalist who goes around solving crimes and writes about how he does it and then there's his useless himbo assistant who does fuck all and just follows him around absolutely out of his mind on cocaine
WOSGHFDHFHDHFHDH
transparent tomatocat. dice it up
Oh, to be young, unleashed in a Barnes & Nobles with a fifty dollar gift card, buying whichever books had a dragon drawn on the cover.
Yuki Tatsumi collects origami folded out of chopstick packaging left on the tables at restaurants. See more here.
oh u like me?? funny .. i didn’t see ur pupils dilate??
guys when they think a girl is hot: she is objectively attractive
girls when they think a guy is hot: yeah hes hot but only if you think of a german coal mine from 1882 that hes forced to work in to provide for his family of 12. he gives off that vibe
sometimes i think i cracked the code
love me some enemies to friends to lovers trope
