Your Birth Right By: The Cheeky Doula

Melissa is a slightly crunchy mother of three, a veteran Doula and Childbirth Advocate. Cooking may not be her thing, but normalizing birth sure is! This is a blog about #birth, #pregnancy, #parenthood done RIGHT for you and by you, after all its your Birth Right!

[cheekydoula]

You mean you do that?

I came across this blog the other day - and it really hit home. Some mothers do that. They take time for themselves. Consider my eyes wide open folks.  I felt like I could have written the post myself...she channelled my exhausted spirit like Whoppi Goldburg in the movie GHOST!  (cue: pottery scene). I hope to one day thank this brilliant woman!  

Full disclosure. 

I am jealous.  Not of the pottery scene (ok, maybe just a bit, lets be thankful it wasn’t Channing Tatum shall we). I am jealous of the mothers I know and see that are able to actually think of themselves! I am blessed to have many of these women in my life.  I often feel like I look at them going about their lives and follow them around (usually via social media, I’m not actually creepy) like a lost puppy admiring their workouts, their guilt free quickie dinners, their trips to the salon, or *gasp* girls night out - and think “wow - they are so awesome, but I can’t ever seem to do that”. I have no judgement towards these awesome women - just envy.

I am one of those women - even though I am not sure how it happened - that is an over-giver, probably like 90% of the female population.  A giver that has turned bitter, and bitchy trying to make everyone else feel loved and provided for, which has left me depleted. WHOOPS.  Its a hard truth to swallow that my exhaustion is my OWN fault.  Man, isn’t it so much easier to blame others?

Its not that I am unhappy.  I have a lovely family - but a family I all too readily do everything for, even my husband has become reliant on me for so much more than when we first got married.  Its not his fault - its mine.  Even my three year old is trained to drop something, then come and find me and ask me to pick it up for him. WOW. Time for a change.

 Why is it so hard for some of us to set boundaries and stick to them. If I am being totally honest - I have a hard time letting go.  Oh fine.  I’m a control freak.  I make it hard for others to help me. The saying goes “treat others you they want you want to be treated” but I think there might be a flaw with that plan.  By over-giving I have stopped letting people know how I would like to be treated. For instance - my husband would never think twice about needing to sleep when he is sick - for me it doesn’t even occur to me that I should let the family fend for themselves and rest when I am sick - which is ironic. No rest, no me-time means I will be sick more often.  This doesn’t make me the better parent - it makes me the silly one.  What am I teaching my children?  Its not self care thats for sure!  Like her blog post said - the more I did, the more of an inconvenience I became.  But I’m DOING IT TO MYSELF.  Even when my husband offers to “cover me” for a covert nap or rest period (usually after I am a crying hot mess) I won’t let him do it - or I can’t actually accomplish it.  The guilt my friends is like sand in your bathing suit.....an irritating nuisance.  

Induge me here.  

I have this great friend Jo.  She and I have always been so so different - but thats why we make such great friends.  This girl is beyond fun, talented, brilliant  - and SHE TAKES TIME FOR HERSELF.  Mystical unicorn that rides on rainbows? Nope - she is just a wise wise lady. She has 4 children 5 and under (twins y’all, yeah, like I said superwoman) and a great relationship with her husband. The craziest part?  She says things like “I knew that I needed to do something for myself” or posts pics of her salon trip after the twins were born not in guilt that she went out - but in the pride of one with truly fantastic hair!  This woman, devoted mother and wife has so much going on (read about it all on her incredible blog) but always seems to know when she needs to self love a bit.  I wish she would write a guide for pooped mamas (hint hint Jo ;).  I have long admired her ability to care for herself and to recognize when it needs to happen.  Like I said - she’s just awesome.  

So I will try to take a breath - schedule in some time for myself. And if the mommy guilt (the stealth bugger that it is) starts creeping in, I will stay strong, and try again.  I am human and this is a lifelong habit I am going to have to change here people. I am also going to talk to my amazing husband (who will totally be on board, cause he always is my biggest supporter) and my kids (who will be devastated but will learn the importance of having their mom gain her sanity back) and recruit them.  Heck - I might as well start a IG / FB / Twitter campaign about my me-time shenanigans to ensure it actually happens!! Who is with me? 

#metime

This is going to happen people.  I will start now.  I am eager to start my new challenge to myself.....right now. This is my #metime for today.  Leaving the house and working at the Library (my favourite spot to write).  I even snuck in a decaf almond milk latte!   Share your pictures and stories with your daily #metime!   This could be the start of something beautiful.  I really hope my “metime” isn’t always so glamorous - but I have to start somewhere.  I would love to hear any suggestions and tips you have for my daily “metime” challenge. Now to brainstorm what to do for myself tomorrow....hmmm.....

[cheekydoula]

The Birth of my Mother"hood".

Collins Dictionary defines Motherhood as: 

British English: motherhood Motherhood is the state of being a mother. NOUN...women who try to combine work and motherhood.

I love the "women who TRY to combine work and motherhood." Try???  Clearly a mother didn't write this definition.  Being a mother is ALL work.  Sure some of it is rolling on the grass on warm summer days - but many days a mother's job is making difficult decisions about her family, sacrificing her own needs, falling madly in love with each passing second, and pretending that we aren't afraid of clowns, spiders, and heights in hopes that our offspring will avoid adopting our fears.  Motherhood is always staying one step ahead of those cunning little creatures we call our children, or at least pretending to be one step ahead while we google / phone a friend / read in desperate hopes of finding a solution before they catch on.  I digress - this post isn't actually about THAT definition.  "Trying to work"  I mean come on - really???

"Motherhood is the state of being a Mother". Vague much?  But how else could we describe it?  My definition of motherhood is broken down into two parts:

1) The act of being a mother

2) The act of building that village or group of people that are the foundation of your family, your identity and your life.  Like a neighbour"hood".  

I was a mother with no hood after the birth of my first child.

Us Mothers need mother "hoods". Birthing or adopting (or heck even winning a baby) doesn't necessarily mean that Taa-Daa - we are experiencing motherhood.  If we started asking happy moms about what their lives looked like we might be surprised at their answers: Happy Moms have "hoods".  Groups of fellow mothers, former solitary beings that are now devoting their time, heart and energy to their families.  Mothers may be from all different life stages ( Divorced mom, Young mom, Single mom, Uptight mom, Relaxed mom, New mom, Experienced mom, Stay-at-home Mom, Working-out-of-the-home mom).   Regardless of who we are, and where we see ourselves, we all belong in a "hood".  Imagine if we stopped picturing this solo woman with a cape on, standing proudly with hands on hips when someone mentions the words "motherhood?"* And replaced that image with a lovely woman, child on hip with a big smile, surrounded by a sea of people beside and behind her that not only GET it - but they help out!  I personally would love to go places and introduce my "posse".  Or invite people over to my "hood" to see how much fun we can have.  Bring the people that don't yet have children, you know what?  They are ALSO important to our "hood".  That stay at home dad, BRING HIM.  The teenage mom feeling like she doesn't fit in? BRING HER TOO.  The parents that work tirelessly for their children and need guidance on how to get the most out of their limited time together?  Bring them too!  

 *please tell me someone has these little mental cartoons inside their minds*  

In a neighbourhood we have so many different houses, types of people and different styles, and that is what makes a neighbourhood so diverse and great.  Motherhood can be the same!  

I was a mother with no hood after the birth of my first child - and I refused to have that happen with our second child.  I made myself get over my insecurities (somedays were easier than others) and go work out with other moms, make myself chat and have tea with them (I would have to fight the stress of I SHOULD be home doing something better).  In fact three children in and I still struggle with maintaining my hood, more than ever in fact.  But it is SO important.  Mother"hoods" are the life giving force not only to our children but for each other.   Some of the BEST tips and tricks I have learned have been from people in my mother"hood".  No wait - ALL of them were.  Everything I learned about being a parent and a mother and a woman-turned-mommy was from other women who have been there, done this and generously shared with me.  

I am thankful for my diverse "hood".  Not everyone is a mother, not everyone has the same opinions and values as I do - and that's what makes it all the more valuable.  I am so appreciative of the differences we all bring.  Do you have a mother"hood"?  What tips helped you out the most?  

One thing is for sure: having a child means letting a little piece of your heart and soul wander around outside of your body.  If that doesn't require some type of support group, I don't know what would!  

[cheekydoula]

I give you permission

I do.  Its not my place to even give you permission, but here I am, doing just that.

I give you permission.  Permission to take a break, permission to turn on that TV and take any time you can to yourself. Did you know that's ok?  Regardless of what Facebook or Pintrest tells us - it is OK for you to take a break!

I give you permission to let it all out.  Go ahead DO IT.  Hide in a closet and cry tears of exhaustion, frustration, and hey maybe even happiness.  It is OK to have these feelings, and it OK to release them.  If you are unsure check out days of our lives - those people unleash their emotions ALL THE TIME!

Want to call an old friend?  PLEASE!  Do it!  You have permission to put aside whatever task you are doing and nurture that relationship.  Want to go make out with your husband for all of 3 minutes before you are interrupted?  I give you permission (and find some Dora first...works like a charm, so I've heard ;)

Want to join a mommy group, leave a mommy group, stop breastfeeding, start breastfeeding, stop sleep training, start sleep-training, start co-sleeping, buy store bought baby food, stop criticizing, start living, be proud of your accomplishments?  DO IT.  I GIVE YOU PERMISSION!  I mean I typed that in "yelling letters" so I hope you got it.  Its rude to yell - I know that.  I also know that I see so many strong, capable, just plain ole kick-ass women - looking for permission.  Yeah I know - not you, and thats good, but for some of us loving, compassionate, constantly giving females, without even realizing it - we just want someone to say "do it!  Oh my gosh you have done _____ so well, just do what you need to do - I got your back".  Know what I mean?  I am not some greater-than-thou lady over here - but in off chance you need a friend to give you piece of mind - Taa-daa!!!!  

Mommy guilt can be a crippling little nuisance!  

My heart breaks a little when I work with women who work so hard at being wife and mother and partner and teacher and cleaner and cook - when I ask them "what could you take off your plate if you had no judgement or guilt" slump their shoulders and talk like they are giving away american trade secrets on biochemical weapons.  Whispering, looking over their shoulders, and usually with tears running down their faces. The craziest part still - is that it is something so simple, like "I sleep my baby on her tummy so she will sleep longer" or "I want to eat a meal that isn't comprised of my children left overs".  I have been that woman. Too many times. This is also my reminder to stop waiting for permission and to start living life on my terms (like She-Ra princess of power, or Tina Fey).

A good example was when I was sitting with my first born who was almost 10 months old in my Naturopaths office (it's no surprise, I am crunchy people) and I was making excuses, venting about my breastfeeding woes.  For 10 months every single drop of breastmilk was like a small, exhausting victory - but I was getting really really tired of the struggle.  Dr. M, amazing woman and mother that she is said "sounds like you are ready to be done then - I can help you with that.  If it makes you feel better we can talk about non-commercial formula options."  Right there.  That moment RIGHT.THERE.  In the words of Oprah - I heard the Ah ha happen!  Until she granted me permission, WITHOUT JUDGEMENT I had been feeling like the first person voted off the island (survivor reference if that wasn't clear).  I had put myself under so much pressure (due to a severe case of the "shoulds") that I sabotaged my breastfeeding relationship, but I got the permission I hadn't realized I was seeking to stop, if that was what I wanted.  The "should's" robbed me of my breastfeeding joy.

I did want that - but more than anything, with that pressure lifted off - I did a combo of breast and bottle for a few more months. And I was HAPPY.

Whatever you choose today or tomorrow - I hope that you choose for YOU.  Whatever the issue might be, cause you know what thats OK. Wait - unless your choice is picking up Meth - then maybe don't act on that.  I really don't want to deal with lawyers and all that jazz.  To be clear: permission is granted in hopes of motivating you to use your super powers for good and not evil.  PHEW!  Close one.

Edit:  This blog was written a long time ago, and after reading Nesting Story's Blog this morning, I thought "Hey good timing".  We parents need to band together!  

[cheekydoula]

NOT HAPPENING

Nothing is.  Nothing is happening.

I used to think it was just me - but I googled it, therefore I have diagnosed the issue.

I've been trying for 3 days to write and publish a blog post.  I blame mercury.  Mercury is in retrograde (again according to google, I'm not an astrologist).  You can read more about that HERE.  Don't believe me?  How weird and off has your week been?  Anything strange happening?  

Probably.

I blame Mercury.  For the 3 kids that are off, won't sleep and extra clingy.   For the brain fog and mental blocks (well more that I usually have anyway). For the inability to finish a blog post, curriculum plan, dinner, grocery shopping, website edits etc. I normally take ownership for my behaviour - but seeing as how I can't seem to accomplish anything, there is nothing to take ownership for - thanks Mercury. ;) 

Now to go to bed - and wait it out.  Below are the next retrograde dates that you can expect nothing of substance from me.  Enjoy.  Looks like one falls around my birthday...hmm......

What do you do during this time?

[cheekydoula]

Essential Oils can make those car trips so much more enjoyable!  I spent a LOT of my time with all 3 kids in the car - this is how I survive.  You can hear my middle child yelling for a snack.  Essential oils sure to help with mood, but you'll still have to feed the offspring. 

My go to car oils are: Stress Away, Peace and Calming, Lavender, Cedarwood, Lemon and Peppermint (really good for car sickness!) 

[cheekydoula]

Babywearing - the original hands free device.

I wear my babies.

Not because its cool, not because celebs do it (do they?) and not because I am an attachment parent expert.  

It's the only way I can get ANYTHING cooked, cleaned, loved, taken care of or played with in a day.  This has side effects of course.  For me, the side effect was me slowly becoming a calmer mom.  SLOWLY, and never on mornings before school might I add. 

As a Doula - it is my go-to tool to help new moms and for me to help them during my postpartum work.  Imagine being a first time mom and seeing this woman come in - strap on your baby that has been crying non-stop, get said baby to sleep in minutes, then clean the house, fold the laundry, walk your dog, make you something to eat and make you the best cup of tea in your life.  Superhero?  Nope.  Just a doula with a secret...wear that baby. It's what my amazing cousin did for me post-baby and that is what I do for other new moms.  There are numerous benefits of course - like bonding, less crying, regulated milk production, emotionally stable babies...and of course, being hands free!   I have avoided blogging about this topic for so long - for some really silly reasons.

1) I hate my hair in most of these pics (vain much) 2) I am no expert, I started off with the worst carriers, and learned my way up from there 3) Did I mention I am not an expert 4) It makes me realize how much money I have spent finding what works.  

If I can make a suggestion - borrow and sample before forking out a ton of money on these wraps and carriers, because what works for me might not work for you.  OK - so here come the photos...remember we are learning about the baby wearing - not my hair. 

Carrier 1: The Bjorn style. aka: Crotch dangler

This was the first carrier I tried.  I had already been gifted my monkey wear wrap, but it was a tad more complicated, and since I had this Bjorn type style of carrier I tried it out.  It was easier initially to learn how to use, but VERY uncomfortable to wear.  VERY.  I had about 10 good minutes in it.  Also - this is what I call a "crotch dangler", which can't possibly be comfortable.  What I DIDN'T know what that this style is very bad for babies hips....so basically...don't get this carrier, and since my babies hips don't lie...turn that baby FACING YOU!  I know, I know the box says its ok....but it turns out as consumers it is our responsibility to sift through the rubbish that is advertising.  Dangling from your bits and facing out = no good.

Carrier # 2: The hiker. The backpack made for kids. 

This one was borrowed from my amazing cousin (not sure how I could have survived my intro into mommyhood without her, there will be another blog post about that soon). Mountain Equipment Coop has a few different versions of this carrier. Anyway, this carrier was neat for G when he was a toddler - it wouldn't work for a baby thats for sure.  This carrier also got us through a fun-filled trip in New Orleans, LA.  Pros: kids sits up high, fairly easy to put on. It also has some storage space! Cons: It was too long for my body to wear it ;( and it feels like a heavy backpack), I also found it hard to reach him behind me or see what he was up to (dropping sunflower seeds into my hair).  My goodness these 2 boys really make my heart melt - anyway....

Carrier 3: The Ring Sling

This sling is a beauty.  Really.  Its nice to look at, and it was a gift that a family friend brought back for me all the way back from Mexico.  It is a traditional woven Robozo made into a Ring Sling.  And I love it.  This sling has 2 main purposes. Its quick, its moderately easy to use and I prefer it for Newborns and very short trips.  The main drawback to this carrier, is the sore shoulder.  Having all of that weight on one shoulder makes for a sore shoulder after about a half hour of wear, unless you are carrying a newborn -then you might get about 30-60 minutes of comfort.  Another small draw back is that I have a smaller frame, and boney shoulders, so I found the ring would tend to hit my collarbone.  I still have yet to remedy this issue, but many times I tuck the very long end of the wrap  under the ring (watching not to crowd the baby of course).  This is my go-to carrier for errands and anyplace i need it for quick and fast uses (think grocery store).  It also still works for my silly 3 year old who wanted to be carried around (about 3 minutes for the sore shoulder in that case).  In the traditional sling carry - be sure the baby is facing towards your body with room to breath and that he isn't in a tight C position with his chin curled tightly into his chest so he can breath!

* It was February, the blanket wasn't snuggly over my babies head - just blocking the wind from his face..promise.  No hate mail OK?*

Carrier 4: The Ergo Carrier

This carrier is AWESOME for older kids and longer treks.  I used the picture of my husband because well men wearing kids is just plain HOT - but also because I am always the one behind the camera (especially if I am not the one wearing a kid!).  This is a great carrier that can be worn on the front (from about 6 months +) or on the back (about any age you feel comfortable doing so after 6 months).  Personally - I keep them on the front until I just can't anymore because they are too big, or if I am cooking.  Drawbacks?  It is VERY challenging to do and undo the clasp - located in the middle of the wearers back- when you are wearing your child on your front.  Seriously tricky.  More than once I have appeared the crazy lady trying to get to the middle of her back.  Also - I find the shoulder straps a little wide.  I think a Mai Tai or combo of the two might help this out.  There is a fellow Canadian by the name of Michelle that  makes awesome combo carriers or converts wraps into carriers.  I am also very curious about the BOBA system.  Those little smarties made all 3 types of carriers in one package - for about the same price as a normal wrap.  Feel free to send me a combo pack Boba! ;) And last, my favourite:

Carrier 5: The wrap.  The holy grail of surviving and ENJOYING newborns!   This wrap has been a life changer for me.  NO sarcasm folks.  The brand I am wearing here is a Monkeywear wrap, made locally (in Toronto) and it has been the best thing to happen to mothers since drinking wine  playgrounds.  You can find it here.  I had this wrap with my firstborn - but since I had the Crotch Dangler and because it seemed like a confusing concept in my sleep deprived mind - I put off mastering how to use it.  Until baby #2 came along and it was a necessity.  It was like parenting became infinitely easier for me.  I was hands free - the baby ALWAYS slept in it - and because of the position, I didn't have a super gassy, fussy baby. (what I am getting at was that it was secure enough to be hands free but the baby could still breath , burp and toot.  Necessary functions for happy babies).  I watched THIS Youtube video about a million or so times to get the hang of how to put the wrap on - and it really was easy.  Turns out practice does make progress!  This wrap has seen almost all of our family adventures with us!  The zoo, the Subway (with all 3 kids), many dinners out, for 5 hours while dancing at a wedding and even while I work! The photo below was taken at Wolf Performance Hall when I had the honour of emceeing the documentary screening of Microbirth. I'm wearing an almost 3 month old that slept the entire time!

The ONLY draw back from this t-shirt material wrap - is that they tend to stretch after awhile, so I wash it and it goes back. No. Big. Deal.  Also - I could enjoy the 4th trimester so much more like this (read about that here), I always had a content baby and no germ bags strangers (no matter how helpful) could get their hands on him! WIN!   I use this wrap until about the first year - then my little monkeys tend to get too heavy and need more support.  I know many moms LOVE the woven wraps - but I can't seem to get over the hot factor.  I honestly have yet to try one.  This wrap is light and airy - even in the middle of July!  

* to experiment during writing this blog i successfully wrapped my 5 year old, without any issues other than her being long!

So there you have it.  For anyone interested in supporting local and having very knowledgable assistance stop by Vesta Parenting.  Not near London Ontario?  Not a problem, they have a fantastic online store.  I am not affiliated with this awesome store - I just really enjoy my shopping experiences and interactions with them.  I wish I would have found them at the start of my baby wearing endeavours!  They will surely have something for you to try. 

In parting - a picture of my 3 year old wearing his teddy, made from a scarf.  This is one behaviour I really don't mind him mimicking!

[cheekydoula]

" Working from home with 3 children ages 5 and under is like running backwards up an escalator, with your hands tied behind your back while being tickled and trying not to pee."

[cheekydoula]

Kids don't change anything....PFFFFFT.

I need to apologize.

I have been inadvertently leading some of you to believe I "have it all together".  You have never (and will never) hear ME utter those words, but I received an email from someone who seemed in awe that I am so put together.  I work hard for myself and my family - and although I have many accomplishments I am proud of - getting dressed is usually my biggest daily feat. No joke.  

I am so not put together, nor do I have it all together, and you know what?  I don't even want to pretend to try to be striving for that...because its complete BS.  Nobody can achieve that, and I don't know about you, but I am sick of reading blogs, vlogs etc that show women doing it all. I swear if I see one more "yummy mommy" anything.... Ah hem. I mean: Good for you internet superstars, but I'll cut myself some slack.  

Why am I admitting this on the internet, where it will never be able to be retracted, and will float around to haunt me for years?  Because I don't want anyone else feeling a case of the "should's" due to me.  Uh-not happening.

**the should's refer to the amount of pressure we put on ourselves due to internal dialogue and choosing to absorb other peoples path to perfection ex: "I should be teaching my baby sign language" or "I should be having better luck with my 10 course made-from-scratch-family-dinner" or "I should be wearing perfect make-up everyday." or "I should shower"...in that case maybe you really should shower....  **

I'm not "shoulding" you, I hope. Here is some proof of what I mean.

Exhibit A:  Our life and home before kids.  Perfectly tidy, dust-free, always ready for anyone to drop by (preferably with a bottle of wine). WHITE carpet (killing myself laughing while I type this....I was upset when our white carpet got destroyed very shortly after our first was born.....don't even get me started on our black bamboo flooring......)  please note the lack of clutter.

This was our tiny cute, downtown Toronto Loft - we were living the dream....

Yes - I had fresh flowers, a tea set-up, NO TOYS..and did I mention it was CLEAN???

Well - children change EVERYTHING...

Exhibit B:

This isn't a playroom...we don't have one of those...this is the family room - with bins torn off the shelves, collapsed train sets that couldn't withstand the hurricane that is my son Grey. And birthday cards I am STILL not allowed to remove.  

Actually - this doesn't look as bad as it seemed yesterday...but I also didn't show you the REST of the house ;)

* please note:  the TV is on.  Like I said..MOTHER OF THE YEAR RIGHT HERE FOLKS.  We don't watch TV a lot these days, but while trying to write a blog post with 3 kids underfoot...well, Scooby Doo really does help. Also - breaking news: I was in my PJ's for the entire day.  

But you know what - I'll take the stickiness, the messiness and oh my goodness, the LOUD - because THIS is living.  THIS is fun, THIS is nothing compared to how miserable a tidy home can be for children, or their parents.  

I am blessed, I am also thankful for my Dyson, but I do not have it all together.  

I tend to head on over to the Scarymommy blog daily to get my fix of "Thank goodness I am normal" or to feel validated in the craziness that is our life.  I feel like that blog is full of "my people" know what I mean?  I hope that by coming to THIS blog, you feel among your kind - perfection that you are or otherwise.  No judgement.  And in parting - here is the satirical christmas photos we did a few years back.  Balance that with my living room photo and thats me folks.  Sarcastic, former- neat freak, really happy mom of three (one wasn't born for this photo though, don't worry I'm hadn't forgot one during the photo shoot or anything....ahahaha can you imagine?) 

 HUGE thanks to Brandon David Photography for capturing my silly wish.  If you are looking for a talented photog - check him out!  

***** A sweet potato was massacred during the typing of this post.  Rest in peace sweet, sweet potato.  One day I will learn to remember the food I am cooking while I work....maybe. *******************

Imperfectly yours,

Melis

[cheekydoula]

Its a family thing.

So - being a Doula is a career of privilege...meaning that I am privileged and honoured to be asked to assist people on their path to parenthood. Its amazing and powerful and brilliant...you've heard me say it before.   But this time is a wee bit different.

My little sister (who is amazingly gorgeous and witty and just cute as heck) is expecting her first baby VERY soon, and I am finding myself in a much different frame of mind for this, then say, a paying client.    I am SO excited for her transition into motherhood (as I am with ALL the women I work with). Her growth and transformation as she takes the strong complex woman she is and adds the title of mother, has already been fun to witness.

But wow - a Doula's sister having a baby....I can't turn off the sister mode..try as I might.  So of course, I will be there for her and her incredible partner in whatever capacity works for THEM as they become parents,strong, capable, FUN, loving parents. But I will not be with her as a Doula.  Sounds selfish?  Maybe.  But here's the thing, she doesn't need anyone telling her what to do (sisters do that to each other sometimes) and she has all the skills she needs to have the birth she would like to achieve - the birth that will start her on her path of parenthood more positively, without trauma preferably ;) Would they benefit from having a Doula - of COURSE!  Everyone would....but that Doula isn't me.  Not for her, not this time. (if they do use another Doula, she better be pretty fantastic or else!!!!) This time around I will take off my Doula hat - witness her strength and power as a loving, supportive sister, and know that helping them might mean cooked meals, 4am breastfeeding questions, quiet time while they get to know their new baby, washing the car...you know, just whatever they need.  I will be her sister.  Which sounds a LOT like being a doula.  I guess there is a strong link between us Doulas and sisterhood.  hmm... One thing is for sure - I am about to become an aunt, and I am thrilled to meet my little sisters little one!  How awesome is that!  She was the CUTEST baby herself and really really relaxed and easy going as a baby, so I hope she has a baby just like her.  I look forward to watching her and her partner figure out all this parenting gig has to offer - because through the sleeplessness, frustrations, leaky diapers and messy house, being a parent is pretty much the best thing in the entire world.  No - it IS the best thing is the world. I'm looking forward to seeing my sister as a mother - with the look in her eye that says: "I just climbed my everest, and I am amazing" after birthing her child.  Giving birth happens everyday -but that doesn't make it any less miraculous.  It doesn't make HER any less amazing.  So now I send out positive thoughts for an "easy" birth and joyous transition and hope that she feels the strength of the millions of birthing women before her, supporting her, welcoming her.  Now to wait for the call......

* Photography credit from the talented Heather Bays whom you can find at www.heatherbays.com

[cheekydoula]

If the World were to end.

Holy Drama Batman! hear me out. 

I'm not sure if this new phenomenon is due to the popularity of the walking dead, or based on so many worldwide issues (like over population) but I keep coming across more and more people "preparing for an apocalypse" or "disaster preparedness professionals" as some are called.  Its seems all doom and gloom, but it also made me realize that a more natural lifestyle now will only benefit my family in the case of a disaster. (unless the disaster is Zombie - that looks messy and gross and I am a SLOW runner).

Anywho - so I figured if I have my Essential Oil arsenal (thank you Young Living), I am breastfeeding the baby (totally free and portable) and have a good flashlight and appropriate clothes all should be well. Being able to filter water through my bra and identify our mainly plant based diet can't hurt either right?  (The bra thing I learned in high school in Environmental science class - who says nobody learns in high school? Is there nutritional yeast in the wild?) so many questions! ;) 

Its good to know I at least have a start - but don't bother looking into the garage yet, we haven't transformed it into a bunker or stockpiled 400 tons of non perishable food items....yet.

I have to go on youngliving.com now and find a durable Oil Carrier Case..you know that can withstand zombies, bugs, germs, Tsunamis etc. Would a snazzy vest be too much in the emergency pack?  All these things to consider ;)

Yours in semi-preparedness,

Melis

[cheekydoula]

My wish is that for every single time a women describes her birth experience she can do so with a smile and detail the events in which all of her care providers listened to her and followed her instincts. I wish for the phrase "I wasn't allowed _____" to be banished from birthing in the future. It's possible.

[cheekydoula]

I say screw fear!

Ok - so admittedly we all know that anything the size of a baby coming out of our vagina can be a bit daunting, we'd be fools to not appreciate the amazing feat that birth truly is.  I mean, I've had painful sneezes, so how is Childbirth going to compare right?

Here's the thing - if you remove the fear, the pain and suffering tends to go with it.  Sure its not comparable to coughing and taa-daa a child is born, but it really can be manageable.  I would like to think that all women are made for childbirth, I don't know of any other female mammals that we would say " you aren't made for this".  I also don't know of any elephants that were made to feel they needed an epidural because they weren't equipped to handle childbirth.  Do farmers induce their mares to birth on a schedule? No way - we let nature take its course.  As much as we'd like to think we are so much better than Horses - we're all really just mammals.  Ina May Gaskin (a childbirth pioneer for normalizing birth)  has started a whole movement across the globe of women who want more for their birth experiences - based on fact and truth, and get this.. NO FEAR. They want to have the empowerment that choice brings (opposed to routine assumptions and thoughts that women just aren't able to give birth).  

Believe that you are enough, that you are capable and that you quite literally are designed for birth. 

Fear of birth comes from so many sources these days - TV, other peoples negative birth stories, and general misinformation.  What if we starting hearing positive stories; women that had full information and therefore could make choices that they are happy with.  I promise this - for as unpredictable as birth and children can be, the day your child is born, however that experience is for you WILL REMAIN WITH YOU FOR YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. You might forget exact details of your child's life, but you will always remember how you felt, or what surrounded the day you gave birth.  So why all the fear?  Lets make it as positive as possible.  Removing fear can actually be easy.  Here are my tips (which you don't have to follow, but whats the point of writing a blog post without any juicy bits of information?)

Vaginas are amazing and totally bad-ass - so start watching natural births.  I'm not trying to suggest that you should have an unmedicated or natural birth, but by witnessing natural birth, you have a foundation on which to build your own preferences.  Not only that, the more you watch, the less shocking birth seems, and it becomes easier to think of birth as a natural process (which it is...)

Learn about the cascade of interventions.  Learn your options when it comes to pain medications so that if an epidural seems extreme to you, or you want to avoid the cascade of interventions you can do so by choosing another form of pain medication. You have choices just as you have the ability to birth! The key to having the birth YOU want is knowing all the possible options! 

Make a list of exactly what you are afraid of.  Is it pushing?  Is it the contractions? Perhaps you are afraid of pooping during delivery (*gasp* I said pooping!!!)  Once your list is made  - you can start learning about each of the fears or concerns and with knowledge comes power (getting repetitive yet?).  You will learn ways to conquer those fears, options to lessen undesirable outcomes and in general things seems less scary when you put them into words.

Believe that you are enough, that you are capable and that you quite literally are designed for birth.  Make posters to hang around your house if you have to, but please please please believe that you are perfect. You are made for this.    

Surround yourself with the people who support your choices and options during birth.   Doula's see far more favorable outcomes for the mothers and babies that are surrounded my comforting supportive people ( perhaps leave that fear mongering, overbearing, guilt distributing family member at home).  This day is about YOU and your BABY.  You don't have to do anything to make anyone else happy.  It can't hurt to meet with a doula or two to find out how exactly they would assist you and your partner (we really do make a significant difference).  

Never ever forget : You are made for this, you can do this, and it is a beautiful  experience whichever options you choose.  

Happy birthing you Wonderful Woman! 

These links may help you discover more options: http://avivaromm.com http://birthwithoutfearblog.com http://evidencebasedbirth.com

[cheekydoula]

I'm a believer - I couldn't leave em' if I tried!"

Oils.  Yup, I'm talking about Essential Oils.  Before you sigh and think "everyone is into this new fad" please know - until 3 months ago - I was RIGHT with you. Actually, I was probably the one rolling her eyes and saying how I have enough natural remedies to handle almost everything I needed to - naturally.

WRONG.

Besides helping me with my laundry, my cleaning, naturally deodorizing my house (sidebar: I have a husband, dog and 3 small kids...sometimes things can get stinky in our small house), cleaning stains, making lotions, face washes, window cleaners, closet packs, client gifts, newborn rubs and creams to name a few, Oils helped me when I had nothing else to try. Yup.  Desperation makes a great catalyst for  trying new things (for me anyway).

After Little T was born a a few months ago - I felt the "dark creepies" as I call them threatening to take over what should have been my blissed out babymoon.  Yikes! So I did what any experienced, slightly crunchy lady would do, sought out my Naturopath to see what she had to say!  Now when I say Naturopath, I am underselling the awesomeness of this phenomenal woman.  She is beyond knowledgable and helpful and CARING, and she said "what about Oils?"  Well...what about Oils?  I was already trying herbs and supplements, but as my friend Amy (Oil Guru) had already told me - this was a more effective, concentrated way to get what I needed to help me bounce back.  Amy is part superhero - so over she came to my rescue, oiled me up and that day was the first time since having Tiny T that I felt like I could breath, that I could and would manage to go on.  Dramatic? You bet!  The Truth - YOU BET!

So was there more to these oils than ways to clean my house, and body?  You betcha!  I am certainly NOT an Oil expert, but I know this : I will do ANYTHING to keep my family and myself healthy naturally!  ANYTHING.  We are facing a global healthcare crisis by over using valuable antibiotics and medications, making diseases stronger than we are!  Um...I'm NOT cool with that.  So am I going to continue to try and keep this family healthy, naturally, WITHOUT aiding the antibiotic resistance - while maintaining my budget (ask me how).  I want to have my own tools to protect the ones I love - and if I can also make a kick @ss toilet cleaner out of them, then so be it!  

"I felt the dark Creepies taking over what should've been my blissed out babymoon"

Whats holding you back?  Do you want to try oils?  We're talking kicking colds, flus, aches and pains to the curb, making your home healthy and sanitary without all of the chemicals - and its so easy!  Click HERE to Join the very active and informative Facebook group that got me started! Find out more about how you can get moving on your own path to health, and of course email or call me if you need any help or guidance (or you want to get your hands on the same discount I have ;).  These little bottles of heaven are just too amazing to keep to myself. 

In Health and Fun,

Melissa

Young Living Distributor #2034757 [email protected]

[cheekydoula]

Conceiving Parenthood...

 The journey to having children begins a little differently for everyone.  Some parents are created after months or years or planning, waiting and hoping, some parents are created after making a firm decision and having wonderful luck and some people find themselves thrust into parenthood without having made a conscious thought about that particular journey. The point I want to make is that we so many times focus on having a baby, on becoming PREGNANT - that we may overlook that in fact, with a baby, parents are made.

Becoming a parent, to many, can seem simply like an easy transition, one that is an expected and natural occurrence. Others of us of however (myself included) would have appreciated the warning that it might have a bit more of a learning curve than first thought.  There is a tremendous amount of pressure to ensure that you know everything as a parent - the choices and information surrounding birth alone could easily consume all 40 weeks of gestation!  Not to worry - most of us parents are winging it and learning as we go.  Really.  

For us - my husband and myself - we were shocked that although we planned and were very excited to "have a baby" we were not prepared to actually be parents, is anyone really?  So our learning curve took awhile. We were more than capable parents, but was it seamless, and ultra easy like on TV? NO WAY.  We loved and cherished our little angel, but let me tell you - it was far from easy to find the confidence and know-how needed to make the never ending decisions.  In fact five years years after her birth we are catching on that this IS parenthood, there is no right answer to every dilemma and concern, that instincts are more powerful than baby books and sometimes just making it up as you go really does work. Each child will present new interesting questions, challenges and endless joy to a family, and one day you may realize, this is what having a family is all about.

So my thoughts to you, mommy or daddy in the making, as your baby grows or is about to be conceived, so are you, the parent.  Give yourself the tools to become a parent ( I am a huge fan of childbirth education classes that suit your personality and relationship beforehand), and if things get tough ask yourself "would I expect my baby to have all the answers?" Probably not.  You are as seasoned a parent as your first child  is old if you really think about it.  Give yourself time to adjust and grow into being a parent, much like we allow our children to grow and learn - its kind of a team effort.  

If I can share some wisdom - don't be afraid to ask for help - recruit assistance if needed. Yes, google is a host of information, but sometimes actually having someone explain what pregnancy, birth and life with baby is all about is more effective.  Have you thought about that baby registry - why not find someone that knows what you might actually NEED, things that will make life as a parents easier, healthier and lets face it - a bit more restful (you really don’t need a lot of STUFF, you have what it takes yourself, for real..I’m not lying). If you were to start a new job that was completely foreign to you - I am willing to bet you'd find an expert in that field and start researching, discovering and asking for guidance.  It can't hurt right? Call a Doula right now, you won’t be sorry! 

So congrats on being pregnant, dreaming about being pregnant or thinking about becoming pregnant - on the conception of your new role of becoming a parent - there really is nothing like it!  Entering into parenthood can feel a bit like a fraternity hazing - take it each task at a time, and don't forget to take lots of pictures - its fun to see how far you've come together as that baby, and YOU his or her parents grow.

[cheekydoula]

Good days.

You ever have the kind of day that you honestly LOVED.  The kind of day that made you feel like you were dancing on rainbows and shit was just plain going your way (while being sober?)  Today was one of those days.  I have to document this...you know, for all of the "other" days.

So thankful for warm september days, spontaneous offers of #childcare, early bedtimes, and wine. 

[cheekydoula]

"Why are women being told to birth laying down? That's like trying to take a colossal dump on your back!"

Ina May Gaskin