the tangible participant

eng/rus he/him currently interested in bedrotting, thinking about death, and writing yaoi side blog @urbexrat for drains and abandoned places

[cheeseandbretboy]

кино's depressing songs are overrated

[cheeseandbretboy]

я посадил дерево

я посадил дерево

[cheeseandbretboy]

sexy hands alert

[cheeseandbretboy]

idek

[cheeseandbretboy]

i dont really see how someone can be mad at me for choosing to do something that i was willing to not do if my mind was changed with therapy, but where they just chose not to try to change my mind

like surely the reasonable response to that wld be "ok" and not "wait but why didnt ur thoughts and experiences change without conversion therapy or even any conversations between us"

will be updating tomorrow

[cheeseandbretboy]

update

she thought it was a phase and expected it to end at this point so thats why she didnt bother doing anything and avoided the topic

now that i am still planning on going ahead with transition she wants me to wait until im 30 to start

[cheeseandbretboy]

i want to think more about what my sister says and does but she went through too much trauma and is pretty much incomprehensible now

im glad she is getting therapy now but its a little crazy seeing her act as though she is more emotionally aware and mature than anyone in the family

it is weird that she feels like she has some sort of ownership over me, as if her thinking that transitioning is a bad idea will automatically make me realise: oh wow! being trans is really difficult and expensive! i should not do that!

shes said such strange things before, i really shouldnt be surprised. she's mentioned me being trans like it's this disgusting shameful secret, and she's threatened to tell family (which is actually kind of fine?) said that im not trans bc i need a gender dysphoria diagnosis, said "why would you transition medically into a man when you can just be nonbinary socially?" and just generally has gotten mad at me for talking about it because she doesnt give a fleck (until it comes to me like, actually pursuing hrt). like the whole reason i tried to talk to her was so that she wouldnt get shocked when i told her abt hrt. sigh

she wanted to have a conversation about the whole trans thing to try to convince me to not be trans, and i was open to it. now she's said she has nothing more to say? basically she says i was feminine as a kid and only became masculine when i decided i wanted to be (btw isnt that how it generally works? u like, make a decision to do something based off of how u feel, and then do it?).

but the whole thing is weird to me because she honestly barely knows me. she really only knew me when i was really young, and i can't remember any of that. pretty much all my sentient life i can remember is when she was going through severe mental health stuff, where i wouldnt see her at all. and when i did she would be extremely negative, like it got so bad that i became incapable of making friends anyway moral of the story she barely knows me and still think this trans thing is a temporary feeling (ive been out as genderqueer for nearly half my life, which is a lot since i am very young). ? ?

in conclusion im not sure if she will start speaking to me again or even support me if im happily trans in my late 20s. and if she DOES im not sure if i really want to spend all that much time with her. it is very sad i always told myself that even when my entire family hates me, she'll be at least 1 person who's supportive aaehshsifn

[cheeseandbretboy]

i dont really see how someone can be mad at me for choosing to do something that i was willing to not do if my mind was changed with therapy, but where they just chose not to try to change my mind

like surely the reasonable response to that wld be "ok" and not "wait but why didnt ur thoughts and experiences change without conversion therapy or even any conversations between us"

will be updating tomorrow

[cheeseandbretboy]

i need to become the sexiest man alive so that my sister regrets saying all that

[cheeseandbretboy]

same thing

beef season 1 ending where they talk under the tree while high/sick i cant rmbr

swiss army man part where manny is scared of death

dont hug me im scared tv show where theyve escaped the house and theyre sitting at the fire

beau is afraid ending

im thinking of ending things, at the ice cream shop or whatever it is

spaceman spider death

severance goat room thing

bojack view from halfway down

[cheeseandbretboy]

just watched the backrooms movie

it scared me at the start/middle. the end confused me

i think it was really awesome

ive been consuming too many tv shows recently though which means im expecting a lot of explanations of a character's feelings and past which just cant be done in a movie

[the-professional-loather]

Fandom in general usually baffles me. Most people pour effort into OCs or self inserts or shipping or, like, anything that involves the interaction between individuals and nothing deeper. On the rare occasion I engage with fandoms I'd rather spend it exploring various themes within the media, the philosophies or thought processes behind it, the artistic direction, etc. Considering that the vast majority of fandom is the former, I generally don't have much interest in it.

And the vast majority of famous media, and honestly media in general, is just rather unappealing to me. I don't dislike everything, but so much stuff just requires massive amounts of investment to get in to, at that point I'd rather spend my time improving some skill or learning a new hobby if I'm going to put so many resources into it. And most of the time, once you get into it you realize that it ultimately is very surface level and boring, and requires no deeper thought. And I'm not interested in storyslop, I want something that forces me to think.

Honestly I'm kind of just a bad fit for this website.

[cheeseandbretboy]

this is why u write ur own book and make a fandom for it but just for urself. then u can make niche references about it while everyone looks at u like ur crazy

[cheeseandbretboy]

nnghgh i want yochi

[cheeseandbretboy]

i will say this forever, the day my mp3 player broke was the day everything started going downhill

[cheeseandbretboy]

adidas tracksuit

[cheeseandbretboy]

it has no subtitles and opensubtitles is down so ill just die i guess

[cheeseandbretboy]

[cheeseandbretboy]

thank god for torrent sites bc otherwise i wld have never found so many gems like this one i discovered 5 minutes ago