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@cheetahcalledzoe
SOUTH AFRICA 2023
I don’t know how I managed to get through this. But I did. Let’s start from December 18th, 2023. This was a very exciting day for me, I was travelling home again after being away from my mom and sisters for 6 years. I had not been back since Christmas of 2017. I never even met my niece; she was born a few weeks after I left last time. December 18th, after a full day of travelling from Stockton,…
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Today marks the day that I refuse to conform any longer. The day that I will be unapologetically me. If yoh don't like that, then you know where the door is, I can take it, I've done it before.
In Matthew 6:15 it says 'But if you do not forgive others of their trespasses, our father shall not forgive yours'. So I have chosen to forgive you. You thought that you could just use me then toss me aside; that was not the case. However I cannot and will not forget. I will keep my distance from you and keep contact closed, do not mistake this as weakness. I asked the Lord for strength and he gave me you. You were just a lesson. A pawn in a much larger game and I am trying to remember that.
Today marks the day that I refuse to conform any longer. The day that I will be unapologetically me. If yoh don't like that, then you know where the door is, I can take it, I've done it before.
In Matthew 6:15 it says 'But if you do not forgive others of their trespasses, our father shall not forgive yours'. So I have chosen to forgive you. You thought that you could just use me then toss me aside; that was not the case. However I cannot and will not forget. I will keep my distance from you and keep contact closed, do not mistake this as weakness. I asked the Lord for strength and he gave me you. You were just a lesson. A pawn in a much larger game and I am trying to remember that.
I went to message you. But you weren't there. You never will be again. You took the laughter and the smiles away with you and gave them to her. He messaged me again by the way, I wanted to tell you so you could laugh with me, but there are only tears. Your love was so real, I couldn't help but feel it. And now, well now all there is is pain.
You took me out of that dark place. That jole I was trying to just climb out myself. You got on your knees and you offered me a hand, you had me out then pushed back in. I trusted you.
That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt
Why am I like this?
I cant continue, my shampoo and conditioner both empties at the same time, I have enough medication in my bottom draw to end it. So why can't I? No one seems to care.
My poor pencil sharpener is now a bar one maker.
Covirng up with an expensive tattoo worked... for a while.
I just wanna go home
I've often felt drawn to birds. So graceful, so majestic. They glide through the air with no concept of time. So free. The saying often goes 'free as a bird'. Even as a child I would wonder how the birds just know where to go and when if they have no concept of time? How must ot feel with no where to be except their nest when it gets dark? Nothing to do except eat and fly.
If I were to die today, I would want to come back but as a bird. No stress, no pressure, no work, no school. Just food, fly, sleep and reproduce to keep the population alive.
You could say that birds are my favourite animal. But it's so much more than that, i don't just like them, I admire them.
You. You filled my heart with love. You showed me what real love looks like and I'd never seen thay before. You made me whole
Now I cant even look at your name on my phone without a well of tears trying to break the damn and roll home to you. My heart longs for your hugs.. but you won't give them. The scars on me beg to be reopened and I cant silence them any longer. You stop the voices telling me I'm not enough. Now you're gone they're louder than ever and I cant help but to listen. They make valid points. Like why would you leave if I wasn't good enough?
Now when I think of you my heart shatters. Like glass falling and breaking into tiny pieces and I cant find them all to put me back together. I guess this isn't meant to be.
I feel incomplete and I cant help but think that if I stopped existing, would anyone even care? Would they notice? You wouldn't. I know that.
I guess I just need to heal but I don't know hoe. You've been with me for what feels like forever and now that you're not? Who's going to tell me to stop stressing? Who is going to tell me I matter? Because I sure as hell won't.
Even as i write this, the letters on my screen don't even look like letters. Just blurry lines that I can't recognise.
It's difficult being self aware with depression. I know I need to talk to someone but anxiety ties me to the bed and says let's play; Depression sits on my chest like a heavy brick, impossible to move.
Having both is like trying to do the impossible. Only a madman tries to get over both. And I was indeed a madman. Failing that, I've done nothing.
Sleep is my only escape. Even then I can't escape. Not really. Anxiety sneaks in like a spider through the tiny cracks in my wall. There are so many and im breaking.
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Hi guys!
I come from the other side of my quarantine. The side where I must ask you to stay inside if you can. I know that most of you already do. But this is a message to the few of you that believe that this virus wont affect you. It will. Just not in the way that puts you in the hospital. Rather It affects the ones you love.
Let me tell you a story. This week, I came across the virus on one of…
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Cupid
Hi guys. only 3 more days to go! then I can go to work. there is no telling how excited I am to get out and distract my mind.
So there are some things that I haven’t told you. Please bear with me, I am not me. I broke up with the one I lived with. I thought my life was over. Until I met him, Quinn (Obviously that’s not his name… A lot of you will be telling me ‘Zoe don’t you think that its too…
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Hempelicious CBD oil- uplift
Currently, it is day 8 of my self isolation. 6 more days until I may step out into the post-apocalyptic world that we are currently living in to assist others in their daily living then to go straight back home to sleep, eat and repeat.
As I enter the second week of this lock down, I am feeling depressed and super duper lonely.
However, a glimmer of hope has arrived as I start with CBD oil…
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I haven't had the greatest year.
I've moved away from all of my friends.
I found him. I lost him. My stupid faults made me feel like I was a burden to him and I lost him
To make matters worse, my old friends don't want to see me anymore. It's too far away. I can't. I don't want to.
And all you can do is tell at me? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I'm not good company. I'm sorry that I stopped helping because you told me to. I'm sorry that I can't sleep at night anymore, making me wake up late in the morning. I can't fucking sleep at night.
I am sorry that you have broken your hand and are too stubborn to seek help. I am sorry that I am such a burden on your finances. I'm sorry that I don't want you talking shit about my father. I understand that you are angry and disappointed in him. But that's not my fault.
Birthday Blues
So. Corona virus has taken our world in its deadly grips. frightened us into staying home, shutting down our favourite shops and food chains. As I watch the news the thing that comes into my mind is a clip from a medieval show depicting a man dragging a wagon shouting ‘bring out your dead!’ ‘bring out your dead!’. It is a scary situation.
To make matters worse, my mother and sisters being 8,377.9…
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Our birthday is fast approaching.
Remember how we used to celebrate together? With a barbecue at the next door neighbor's house because they had the bigger garden and better grill?
Remember how we used to wish we could realistically have separate parties that didn't end up as a kids party with the adults getting louder and louder. Drunker and drunker?
I miss you dad. Come back to the family. We will welcome you.
You always used to say to me, 'don't be afraid of conflict. It is what makes us stronger.'
Come home. We can still have a birthday bash. We could get a pizza and have some drinks. You can have your friends around and I'll have mine. Like the good old days. When you still cared.
Seriously. Ask me for pics once that's fine. Your ignorance is forgiven. I say no.
Ask again even after I nicely told you no the first time I'll get pussy and ignore you.
Keep fucking asking me and I will block you. I said no. Please respect me and listen. I will keep saying no till the end of the earth. No means no.
I hate this feeling. I'm alone. I'm empty.
I have friends, new ones. The old ones left when they realised that my mental health wasn't actually just a joke I was telling.
These friends don't understand yet. When they do they too shall leave.
Why is it me that has to go through this?
Every feeling I have is from others. I am an empath. I heal from hugs and love but how do I do that when the world is sick?