╳ ` —— MOONSIK PUSHES OUT a pathetic laugh as if he is mocking gyujin’s words. his eyes then roll and he frees his grasp on the other’s shirt. moonsik cracks both of knuckles before he slips himself close to gyujin, any space that the boy had before being occupied by moonsik only. ❝ i don’t like when you joke like that, ❞ he breathes, seriousness spitting from his tongue. was moonsik sounding desperate? maybe. but he couldn’t find himself to care. if they were on the opposite sides of the street, it would be easier, but he could not be in the SAME ROOM as gyujin and not say something, let alone be near him. his eyelids fall, hooded eyes glaring at gyujin as if he is expecting the other to make the first move. ❝ and you know i absolutely hate being ignored. ❞
the exchange was hellbent to become a task, it seemed. tempted to pounce while the better part of his mind told him to stay put, just for a while longer. the notion of it came across as golden for a time, and he’d nearly praised himself for the boost of self-control the male usually sneered at. He’d grinned, though, in spite of the weight of the other’s words. Teasing in its deliverance, his own hooded eyes making an appearance, despite how badly he yearned to simply walk away. “it’s cute that you think i’m joking, baby,” gyujin had spoken, husk to his voice, as a muscular arm was thrown over moonsik’s shoulders. looked like he was playing the game as well, sadly. “i don’t think anybody likes being ignored. does it stop assholes like me? of course not.”
╳ ` —— OH, HOW WONDERFUL is the first thing across moonsik’s mind when he sees a familiar face pop up out of the crowd of… well, unwanted faces. he flashes back to a few nights before with gyujin. moonsik can almost feel the floor pressing to his knees and it drives him insane, in a way. maybe he should be more courteous… but seeing gyujin’s face across the room only peaks his curiosity and, so, moonsik finds himself strolling over. he catches him mid walk, the male casually yet purposefully reaching out and tugging the back of his shirt in a needy way. ❝ hey, ❞ he calls out huskily, but also makes sure his voice is full of demand. ❝ don’t go around acting like you don’t see me. or are you doing that on purpose? ❞
gyujin had honestly felt lost since the storm had all too abruptly ripped through. it felt strange to rely on other people for aid in such a way, hence found him often gazing off to nowhere, eyes distant, and attention elsewhere. perhaps the very reason he hadn’t noticed moonsik. it likely wouldn’t change a thing, anyway. the male was developing a reputation for, to put it gently, using people before dumping them immediately without so much as a word to utter afterwards. he would have liked to keep this exchange the same; spared glances here and there, though otherwise ignoring each other like the plague. wishes and such were cast aside when the other had seemingly sought him out to talk. “at first? no. but it does sound like a good idea,” gyujin had started, finally laying his eyes on the other. it was hard to look away after that. operation: whomsik?-failed.
➤ “ don't look don't look the shadows breathe, whispering me away from you. don't wake at night to watch her sleep, you know that you will always lose. “
gyujin’s playlist focuses on the main points of his character development. past trauma, experience, and the like are reflected in each of the songs. for that, it’s not the happiest of playlists, and rather takes a much darker route, with the exception of his tendencies, addictions, and beliefs. a lot of the songs touch on the loss of things, whether it be a lose of touch, emotion, or person--gyujin’s life is based on his lack of trust in people in general, as well as a lack of trust in action. he doesn’t trust himself as much as he doesn’t trust others. doesn’t see himself as anything of worth, nor does he want to. self-degradation throughout and no light at the end of the tunnel. a side-note, all of the songs chosen are a reflection of what gyujin, himself, listens to. triggers will be listed after songs, if applicable.
I. oh my god - the pretty reckless
II. doomed - bring me the horizon
III. burn - the cure
IV. going to hell - the pretty reckless
V. closer - nine inch nails (tw: nsfw)
VI. 13 beaches - lana del rey
VII. forever//over - eden
VIII. edge of a broken heart - vixen
IX. stones - zibbz
X. family tree - megadeth (tw: implications of abuse)
I. oh my god - the pretty reckless ➤ “but I'm just a face, painted in mud. don't try for perfect it's never enough.”
this part of his life was actually a toughy. this song’s essentially all about the complications of life itself, how nothing is ever good enough and it’s a pointless battle to strive for what’s “best”. society has this carved out set of ideals that people should follow to strive for the perfect human; but humans are bred for mistakes and trials, so perfection is impossible. this song also touches on the obsession to make for perfection. to wish for self-change to reach a better self. gyujin has always struggled with this since his parents decided they were going to pressure and control his entire life. he’s been forced to aim for perfection, and even now, it bugs the absolute hell out of him that he can’t reach what other people would prefer.
III. burn - the cure ➤ “just paint your face the shadows smile, slipping me away from you. oh it doesn't matter how you hide, find you if we're wanting to.”
this was, surprisingly, the song that inspired me to write gyujin altogether, as well as the movie that the song was written for. the song is essentially about a great loss, whether it’s to do with a significant other, friend, family member--a loss great enough to lose oneself. it touches on adopting a metaphorical mask to fend oneself away from the world, and protect fragility of emotions. gyujin, himself, has met quite a bit of loss throughout his life. from his parents, and their disowning him. to, what he thought was, the love of his life. people have always come and gone for him after leaving a major footprint on his heart. every time it happens, his mask becomes more solid. he’s merely a shadow of his former self because of it.
V. closer - nine inch nails ➤ “i broke apart my insides. i've got no soul to sell. the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself.”
this was a go-to for this task, just for the sheer nature of both the song, and gyujin’s habits. the song gives an insight into what sex addiction is truly like. how it eats away at the person suffering from it, how they hate themselves for having it. they essentially feel like monsters, primal beings that’re being forced into bearing themselves open for the world to see, just to get their fix. gyujin definitely feels the same; and although he has a tendency to hide the fact behind crude humour and sarcasm, the addiction itself eats away at him all the time. he feels as though he can’t get enough, and for that, it can have a serious affect on his day to day life. he feels worthless, unworthy of those he feels as though he’s using just to satisfy himself for a brief time.
X. family tree - megadeth ➤ “when you hear them saying "trust me", don't wait to see what's next. thrown to the wolves, forever trusting. raised in a form of living hell.”
i was actually pretty hesitant with this song. i think it’s down to interpretation, what it’s about exactly. although it’s obvious it’s about abuse. for that, i’m using it as an example to gyujin’s thoughts in terms of his own abuse. while his was mostly verbal/psychological, with some physical thrown in there, it still had a serious affect on the way he acts now. it’s been a while since he’s seen his parents, and yet he still lives up to their expectations, or at least tries to, because the notion is almost etched into his mind. he’s still terrified of confrontation given by elders; if someone significantly older raises a hand to him, he’ll freak out internally. he mentally degrades himself in place of his parents. the list goes on, but the affects are very long term.
He probably does more than what an average person might expect from him. But, at the same time there were probably people out there that did more than what he does. “There’s probably people out there that do more than what I do. They’re the ones who deserve the applause.” Jiwon was glad to see how close the male was with his bunny with hearing of the interactions the two had with each other. Though, he could imagine how the male’s bunny may had wanted to be with him more than being passed around. But, it was all understandable with the situation the male had. “It’s perfectly okay. We can always find another time that works with us for them to meet up if that’s okay with you.” He’s sure there was a day they were able to work out for their pets to meet up. “I actually look forward of them meeting and seeing where everything goes.”
for a moment, gyujin simply grinned, head tilted just slightly to the side and all. it always amused him when people passed off their own extent of duties in favour of comparison. “despite those people, you still do a lot, and that’s what matters. you shouldn’t shrug off that stuff, you know. leads to putting yourself down, and i’ll kick ass if that happens.” as if to further prove such a point, the male wiggled his eyebrows, teeth exposed through a bunny-like smile that further scrunched up his nose. “that’s completely fine by me. i’m usually pretty free when i don’t have classes, so weekends could work if you’re open then?” it came out unsure, perhaps he was being pushy about the idea, or perhaps he was getting his hopes up. having little friends meant a reserved excitement in line with the prospect of new ones. “me too. byun doesn’t have many friends, either. i don’t think he’s been exposed to too many animals in the past, so i’m sure he’d appreciate a new furry companion.”
lmao i’ll get on to do replies in a few. just got some last minute errands to run, then i should be here for the rest of the night. but, if anyone wants a closed starter or smth? you can like this post? doesn’t matter if we already have a thread going (i’m a slut for multiple threads ngl).
━━ ˟ ☾ ` ⊰ beating , soles upon concrete , out of sync with a neighbouring body … as if matching , highlight for the new-found bump ━ error . distaste upon a tongue , buds cringing in their place , what had happened for it to be like this ? it must have been something zhihao had done … said ( they had a habit of that ) … or , was something bothering him ? distraction , lost in thoughts , whilst automatic direction , a trained body following the pull , remained besides gyujin ━ roseate tiers tugging downwards , knit of a brow in partnership , confused … aching . “ well , i don’t know ! ” threads of laughter , melodic , humming , hitch through its force , “ i hate to break the news that i’ve not really done much … unsurprising , huh ? ” a lean into gyujin , light pressure , “ tell me everything too , yeah ? ” everything … “ i’ve missed you too … ” continuation of movements , several moments before there was a halt , steadily approached , with arrival , obsidian irises grazing the venue , drinking in the interior design … broken with a shift , now fixating upon the neighbouring frame . interlinked arms detached , warmth evaporating with departure , the quiver of a lip … “ you know , ” words pierced , abrupt & unexpected , “ you can tell me if something is bothering you , right ? or … if i ever say something that’s bothered you ! i know i can run my mouth a little sometimes . ” they couldn’t let it carry on … not when their chest was threatening to break ━ they couldn’t lose this friendship , it meant too much .
And despite the darker side of his mind reminding him that his heart hurt; thudded too heavily against a ribcage that was struggling to stay pieced together--the delusional part wanted so badly to have this, to reign in its light and embrace the selfishness of convincing himself that he was okay. He was doing just fine without his rationality whispering in his ear. Though he knew this would sting afterwards, just as it had every other time the two were involved in exchange. He’d be thrown back into his dark thoughts, back into wallowing in self-pity undeserved yet needed to keep his sanity in mark. He didn’t know love, he’d remind himself--had never been loved. Had been left countless times before, or even swarmed with unrequited feelings too heavy for his to bear. “Predictable,” the male started--he could have this... couldn’t he? Just this once? “You should’ve called me or something. I... I’ve been pretty free lately, you know.” It would start out like that--the male being as vague as he could possibly manage to be without wearing his heart on his sleeve as though a fashion statement. “I’ve been pretty boring lately. Outside of parties I could sneak into, and studying, I’m same old.” Gyujin shrugged; it was good enough. Wasn’t a lie, but wasn’t exactly the truth, either. A perfect medium--comfortable. The return of the sentiment nearly saw him choking on air, though; too sudden, unexpected. And for a single moment, he thought the feelings were returned, even if in small dose; he could handle that. But no. Wishful thinking never got him anywhere.
Then he felt himself clenching his jaw. This was too much, and get not enough all the same. Confusing, yet made all the sense in the world. “I know. I’ll keep it in mind... nothing’s wrong, though, okay? We’re fine,” we’re fine. Were they really? Or was that, yet again, wishful thinking? He’d like to think that, even through all of this, nothing could part the two. He could settle for this; but the hurt of halted feelings was a cross too heavy to bear as of now. “The same goes for you. I feel like I’ve been a pretty terrible friend lately.”
It had been awhile since Jiwon had worked at the daycare, plus it helped with paying his college tuition. Most of the kids at the daycare always enjoyed seeing his face compared to some of the other workers there. “I do help with my aunt’s flower shop from time to time if that counts. I used to work there before I decided to start working at the daycare.” The only reason he doesn’t work at his aunt’s flower shop anymore is due to how far it was from where he lives and the daycare being closer for him. But, he does still help her whenever he can. “Sounds like he’s trying to have fun playing around with you. He probably won’t stop anytime soon.” He could imagine how fun and scary it could be for the male whenever he went to search for his rabbit. But, he could tell that the two were close with each other. “I guess we’ll just have to wait and see until they meet to see how everything goes.”
It seemed as though, from current impression, the other was far more selfless than most others he’d happened to meet. One for helping, rather than picking convenient jobs that required little understanding to complete. For that, he could stand back and admire for a moment. “I feel like I need to applaud how much you do, honestly.” The younger grinned, only half joking. He was sure he couldn’t surpass anything more than a simply part-time alongside studies. His parents would beg to differ, if they had their way, but undergoing too much seemed like unnecessary stress, all things considered. “Probably not. Apparently it’s more fun than actual human contact, so whatever floats his boat, I suppose.” Gyujin shrugged, part and parcel of being a pet owner was half the time accepting and forgiving antics that perhaps weren’t of the norm. “I’d offer it up now, but Byun’s off somewhere else, and I don’t think I’ll be able to run off to fetch him in time.”
She stirred her iced tea with her straw as she watched Gyujin put a lollipop into his coffee and wondered if he really was going to drink that. Jeesun herself wasn’t big on coffee so she didn’t get in anyway. Listening to him she didn’t really know how to answer his question but he beat her to it and it left the other speechless. It was something that Jeesun did not want to know, she stopped stirring and just stared at her friend “ You’re one of a kind “ she then spoke with a small laugh but felt a little awkward.
Perhaps not the best thing to say to someone he saw as his own personal human puppy. The awkward air was enough proof of as much, and for a moment, Gyujin couldn’t help but lower his head and frown to himself. The male was never the best at conversation--had been known to speak before he could consider the consequences of his words; and while he meant no harm, situations such as these were almost imminent. “I guess an Acme Anvil falling on my head is just as good,” he’d settled, trying for a grin. “Have you thought of anything yet?”
“I would say around three years now? It took me awhile to get used to being around kids and how they behave, but when I got the hang of things it just became natural.” Even if Jiwon looked like a natural around kids he was a mess at first. He didn’t really know how to interact with kids or speak with them until he was show to how and receiving that practice. It then lead to him having to be confident in himself of knowing he could manage with children. “It must be a fun time for you whenever he decide to hide,” he jokes. He wonders if the bunny liked hiding whenever they had the opportunity to. Jiwon had only seen a Mini Rex bunny in books before and not in real life. It was going to be an interesting experience for him getting to being around a bunny. “That’s how Yejin is with me, so we’ll see how it all goes. Though I’m more curious to seeing how our pets will be with each other. I do hope they’ll get along.”
His brows had raised at that; three years seemed like a long time, working the same job. The other seemed young, too. Perhaps it was something akin to a part-time? As much would make sense, “Do you do anything else alongside working there?” Gyujin had asked out of curiosity, the soul factor that kept his conversations going at the best of times. He lacked fear when it came to continuous questions, unless reprimanded. “Of course it is. It’s especially fun having to move furniture without hurting him, only for him to run off and hide somewhere else. I think he likes toying with me,” it was with a fond shake of the head, he’d finished his explanation. He was sure Byun meant well, was likely just being playful in his habits; but he still happened to terrify Gyujin at the best of times. “I’d be surprised if they don’t. Byun is a submissive little thing, tries to be too friendly and backs off if it doesn’t get him anywhere.”
“It does take a lot of time and patience to handle kids. But, after awhile you’ll get used to them and know how to handle them.” How a person behaves tells a child a lot of what type of person that individual was. It was best to make the child comfortable and for them to understand that they were able to trust them whenever they needed something. “Yeah. It only seems like yesterday I adopted her,” he chuckles. “What type of breed is your bunny if you don’t mind me asking?” It was always interesting seeing what type of animals people had as pets. It surprised him seeing that the male didn’t have his bunny in the house and guesses he had other people look after the bunny. Jiwon did the same too with his cat if he was going to be out for awhile. As much as he knows Yejin would be able to manage by herself, there were things the cat wasn’t able to do. He felt better having someone watch over her while he was away and taking care of her. “Sure,” he answers. “You could bring your bunny too if you want. You’ll just have to let me know when you want to meet her.”
“How long have you been doing it for? I’d assume a little while, at least, to have a grasp of them so well.” He’ himself, had only been working as a security guard for a mere few months, and as a result, only felt as though he was touching the basics to make the job. It wasn’t the easiest thing in the world; but still, he wouldn’t put it up for competition in line with working in a daycare. While both entailed looking after others, looking after children seemed to have him beat. “He’s a Mini Rex bunny, named Byun. I’ve had him for little over a year, but I’ve lost him more times than I can count. Little thing gets under everything,” the younger released a huff of laughter, fond. He’d been told plenty of times he was perhaps too immature or unprepared to house a pet, no less a miniature bunny. But he’d managed to get by just fine; it helped that Byun, himself, was awfully clingy. “Really?” That excitement reappeared once more, a stark difference to his usual solemnness. “Fair warning, Byun is a cuddle monster. He probably wouldn’t leave you alone the entire time.”
“It takes a lot to understand what goes on in a child’s mind so you can interact with them better.” Taking care of kids were never an easy thing for people if they didn’t have the experience or knowledge how to. He understood that and wouldn’t blame people. He was the same way too, but now he knows how after taking the time to learn and being patient. He’s really wondering if the male really wanted to come and visit the daycare. If he was, then Jiwon would have to speak with his work and see if it was okay or not. But, it probably might take awhile until the male could come in and visit. “Yeah, I’ve had her for about two years now,” he chuckles. It was amazing how long Jiwon has had Yejin around for now. It still feels like it was only months he saw the cat on his doorstep looking at him with eyes that were pleading for help. He’s glad that Yejin lets him take care of her and still being around him. Plus, she made things less lonely for him. “Her name’s Yejin. She’s a calico cat in case you were wondering what type of breed she was.”
“I don’t think I could properly learn. Seems like you need a lot of patience to handle kids; or at least some semblance of dedication.” Both of which he lacked depending on whom he was dealing with. The better he knew the person, the more tolerant he was. Though one could easily assume such a mindset wasn’t ideal around kids, no less in a daycare. He could be tame, so long as he had some sort of guidance. Perhaps why he was somewhat eager in light of chancing a visit to the daycare as nothing more than a visitor, given there would be other adults in the room, too. “Is that how old she is? I have a pet bunny, that I currently don’t have in the house given I’m away more often than I’d like, lately.” And it was true, he was more often passed off to friends or caretakers whenever he knew he’d be working overtime or studying at school for longer than he’d care for. Perhaps not the best time to own a pet for those reasons, but he wouldn’t change it. “Yejin.” he’d repeated in motion of remembering the name. “You’ll have to let me meet her sometimes, if you’re comfortable with that?”
━━ ˟ ☾ ` ⊰ acceptance , to the request presented , prompted radiance to melt onto features , roseate tiers stretched , with pearls exposed through a grin — but, did it feel a little forced ? internal , stomach in knots & thick tar lining throat , zhihao panicked … what if they felt pressured to accompany them ? fuck ( i’m sorry ) . the linger , awkward , uncomfortable & unfamiliar , sent a mind into overdrive — twitch of fingertips , unsettled , a threat to expose … breathe & continue — had zhihao done something wrong ? pause … flicker of lids , interlink of arms , and a tug at the others body ( being ignorant to a falter in a relationship ) , zhihao began movement . “ oh , really !? that sounds amazing , ” a bounce in their step , exuberant ( dismissed internal paranoia ) , “ it’ll be great … especially , because i get to spend the time with you ! i had begun to think you was avoiding me , ” light-hearted , joking ( but , not ) , escaping with a breath of laugter . a flicker of irises , acknowledgement of surroundings , followed by conclusion , “ you’ll have to lead the way , though , i’m not sure where you mean ! ”
It hurt to breathe, he felt as though he was sinking. The butterflies that would once flutter through his stomach, lighting his eyes and giving him life, felt as though they were suffocating him now. The product of invisible hands wrapped around his throat, eyes that would burn at the backs; he was brought back to why he was seemingly avoiding the other in the first place. To hide from this torturous feelings, to lock himself away from wasted tears. He wanted to forget about his feelings for once, to just let himself have this moment, to revel in the company and smile with them as if there were no worries in the world. It was impossible, though, with his heart on the verge of breaking. Did they even notice? His darker mind would whisper. Was his torment not obvious enough? Though despite it all, he’d allowed himself to be tugged towards them, reciprocated the feeling of being close. “A-avoid you? How could I ever?” The male swallowed thickly; he hated this feeling. “You’ll have to tell me everything that’s happened lately, okay? I’ve missed you.” It wasn’t a lie; far from it, in fact. Perhaps held a deeper meaning he didn’t want to delve into just yet. As per request, though, he began to guide the other to the restaurant mentioned, eyes distant and smile even more so.
titsay
turnnoffyourmind
gamechangershow
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
germansingergirl
romaincrisis
