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if i look back, i am lost

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@chefwriter
It’s been a long journey 17 years and I still fighting for a piece of pie
I don’t even know how I survived 17 years in the kitchen #cheflife #girlchef
At first, I was sad about moving from Fresno back home to San Francisco. I felt like I was closing a chapter I wasn’t ready to end. But now? I’m grateful. I’m finally choosing myself.
For years, my relationship with my mother has been strained—aggressive, confusing, and emotionally exhausting. I do love her, but her manipulative, needy, and hurtful behavior has made it incredibly hard to maintain a healthy bond.
I’m no longer sacrificing my peace for the sake of obligation. I’m giving myself permission to create distance, to not answer every call, and to stop letting guilt run my life.
This move is about mental freedom. I’m ready to take care of myself, prioritize my peace, and let the ocean hold space for me as I heal.
San Francisco, I’m home—and this time, I’m showing up for me.
Be Kind to Your Mind.
I’ve been reminding myself lately to move with grace — not just for others, but for myself too.
In my 17-year career, I’ve written two cookbooks. The first one that was published had 25 recipes, but behind the scenes, I had written and tested closer to 50. Every single time I step into a creative zone — when I’m developing, tasting, adjusting, and rewriting recipes — my body goes through it right along with me. Because someone has to be the one tasting everything until it’s just right. I do it with love, but it doesn’t come without cost.
After the first cookbook, I spent four years getting back into the gym, focusing on my body and my health. And then — life came full circle. Now, almost five years later, here I am with my second cookbook… and twice the number of recipes. And yes — the back fat is back. The mirror has been rough on me lately. I’ve caught myself not liking what I see, struggling with that disconnect between how I feel and how I look.
But I have to remember this: I’ve created something meaningful. Twice. I’ve poured my heart and soul into food that brings people joy, comfort, and flavor. My body was part of that journey, every step of the way.
So this is my reminder to be graceful with myself. To honor the seasons I’m in. To give myself time and space to get it back together — mentally, physically, and emotionally. Creativity leaves a mark. And it’s okay if it shows up in my body sometimes.
Be kind to your mind. Be patient with your process.
I’m learning to love myself through it all.
— Chef
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