Yes, today is my birthday. What a weird day to be born, right? Even my parents were surprised, lol. Anyway, here's a drawing to celebrate my birthday in turning to 20 years old this year with my three favorite fanchilds: Alvaro, Korina, and Colin. I actually wanted to draw all my Next Gen AU fanchilds here, but I got too lazy, so I only drew the three original characters who have been with me for a long time.
To be honest. Last year was...the toughest for me. I went through a lot of bad experiences, especially dealing with narcissists who were nice to your face but badmouthed you behind your back. I trusted one person and revealed my true self to them, but they badmouthed me behind my back, portraying me as the villain and ruined my reputation, all because of their own miscommunication. At that time, having never experienced anything like it before, I was silent but incredibly angry and heartbroken because I never imagined they would think I was the kind of person who would do that to them. It was an incredibly painful experience for me because I had never harbored ill will towards them before, not even after meeting them. Their actions forced me to feel ill of them in return, even though such things shouldn't happen in a relationship at all if there was sincerity from the start.
Honestly, I'm a kind of a person who finds it hard to forgive people who hurt me, especially when it involves trust. I can sense their apologies if they're genuine, but the painful feelings linger; they can't be shaken off by just an apology. For me, it takes a very long time for those feelings to disappear. And I absolutely hate people who demand forgiveness from me simply because they've apologized. The most disgusting and repulsive thing is that some even demand that I, the victim, apologize back just because my actions caused them "pain" too, even though the problems stemmed from them. Those people treat apologies like money I have to repay them once it land on me, instead of a genuine remorseful sign of wrongdoing from the heart. I value my dignity highly and will defend it fiercely, sometimes to the point of being overly aggressive.
But after that terrible experience, it taught me a painful but invaluable lesson: don't expect too much from others. My biggest mistake was expecting too much from people, sometimes forgetting that humans have different ways of coping with situations. Some, like me, can empathize and be there for others in times of hardship, but others can't empathize with others well, and some are simply "woefully incompetent" when it comes to managing other's emotions. This is understandable, as this kind of thing takes time and practice to expertise properly, but it doesn't diminish their incompetence on this side less irritable. Worse still, there are those who demand help from other in their time of need and condemn those who don't. But when those people demand the same from them, they either disappear or tell you to deal with your own problems yourself. This reveals they are not only woefully incompetent but also selfish parasites. The advice for dealing with them is to distance yourself and avoid arguments, as they have revealed themselves to be unreliable, and investing in them will only result in a parasitic relationship.
And yes, after dealing with countless narcissists, I've become desensitized to negative responses. I'm hardly affected by extremely negative content anymore because it's so predictable in my eyes and I've seen worse throughout my time on internet (but that doesn't mean I'm desensitized to real-life events; I can still distinguish between real-life and fiction). I still experience PTSD occasionally, but it serves as a reminder that people are unpredictable, and letting my guard down too much, especially with loved ones, risks hurting yourself more. I'm not proud of these negative experiences because they've made me incredibly paranoid around people and made life hundreds of times harder. But I'll treat them as necessary adversaries that have made me more cautious around people. So, if anyone is experiencing similar problems or is unsure if someone you're talking to might do the same to you someday, remember not to put high expectations from them. If they treat you badly, treat them badly back because they've already betrayed your trust by speaking ill of you. And most importantly, don't apologize when they demand one because it's clear they're not sincere with their apologies; they're just using it as a tool to attack you if you don't accept their apology, making you look bad for not forgiving them. A truly remorseful person will give you their time and respect your space when not intruded upon, until you have recovered on your own, not force themselves into your life to save their own face.
That's all I wanted to say from last year. Feel free to say whatever you want here, because this is my real experience. I've labeled many people as narcissistic or emotionally incompetent, but I prefer not to name those people names because I don't want anyone to harass them for the sake of my pride. Right now, I'm incredibly mentally exhausted, disillusioned, and feel like a shell of my past self, choosing to move forward because I have a loving family and caring friends supporting me. I'm too cowardly to end my life without considering the consequences of my actions. Plus, I'm incredibly stubborn when I'm motivated. So... yeah, life has to go on until my true time comes, which is a matter for the future. ♥️
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