Don't Actually Touch Me @cherrypie-chan - Tumblr Blog

I’m so sick so tired of my menta illness.

I feel ungodly tired, like every sap of energy has been yanked out of me like I’ve been beat up and shoved down. My intrusive thoughts are exhausting, resisting the urge to harm myself is immesurable. It’s a constant fucking struggle. Disassociating is even worse, it’s uncomfortable and it’s confusing and I want to hit myself and just ram my head into the wall. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to talk to. Why can’t people just. Be easier. Why do I hold myself back. Why can’t I be okay. Why is my life like this.

I don’t want to lose this job.

But my mental illness has made me lose every other job I’ve had. I want to die so badly.

I’m so ungodly horrible today. I want to feign sick and go to sleep or curl up in bed in the dark. I feel like crying and I feel like I’m moments from a panic attack. I mean so little to someone who meant so much to me. People tell me what a wonderful beautiful person I am and then will turn around and tell that I’m the worst kind of person. I don’t know how to handle the turn around and it just leaves me with the feeling of being the absolute worst person. I don’t want to exist anymore. My brother is the fear of suicide and all the worry and concern stays with him.

I feel like last place and I feel like last place is where I belong. I’m so tired of feeling so unwanted. I have friends who love me but they can turn that love into hate in the last second.

Why does my heart feel so heavy. Why can’t I really feel okay. Why can’t I feel loved or important. I can’t wait for the day I can’t do it anymore and finally give in. I can’t wait to die.

Literally the only place I can express my pain without anyone actually knowing. Made a fool of myself, mistook a hang out as a first date. I feel like beating myself up, she said hang out I translated as a date. I feel like a complete fucking fool and just want to bury myself into the ground. I got over excited and over happy just to have traction actually hit.

Fuck man. Why am I so unattractive to people. Why can’t someone like me. Why can’t I be someone’s romantic interest.

I feel like I wanna did. So bad.

jesussuggestions

Start a gang with your local punk teenagers and roam the country with a vaguely homosexual subtext

Why does depression have to be such a painful and lonely experience.

I feel ungodly lonely everyday of every hour, no matter how hard I try. I spend most of my days tired and alone, no one to really keep me company and I think it's one of the worst parts. Knowing no ones going to walk through the door and being life to the house. Laying in bed in the dark knowing that's how your whole day is going to go.

Losing interest in everything you once found exciting and fun. Having no hobbies because nothing is interesting enough to make a hobby out of. I don't know what brings me happiness anymore.

I know people make me happy. But they bring more pain than they do comfort 10 times out of 10. But I think I would rather feel that pain than be so fucking lonely god dammit.

I want friends.

I want a relationship.

I want to feel loved by someone, I want to know what it feels like to be held and kissed and loved. And I don't think I ever will. I think I'm something very close to unloveable and that's how it'll say.

I'm so tired of being alone.

#no one will see this #no one ever does #and that's fine #I guess I'll be fine