Idk why, but there is some undefined issue between me and my aunt that started around the time that I came out as trans masc. It’s frustrating cause she’s always been the person I could go to if I needed to talk or had questions about being an adult or was worried about something or really anything. In some ways that’s still true at times she’s still the most supportive person in my life. But at other times there’s just a disconnect. (Long vent about a family member under the cut)
She’s always known about the issues I’ve had around my body and about my dysphoria even if we didn’t know that it was called that. She was the first person to know I wanted to get something like top surgery (again we didn’t know that was a thing at the time but that was basically what I was asking for). She had always tried to help me feel better about it, she even tried to help me get a reduction when I was getting close to 18 but I stopped that cause I wanted it to be more than a reduction. When I came out as non-binary and said as much she seemed understand and want to help me with that.
All of this is why this odd tension is so confusing. I don’t see what went wrong other than the fact that I realized I was trans masc. Like she cried in the car about my testosterone which makes no sense to me. Suddenly I’m getting weird angry lectures about feminism (which fine if she wanted to just talk about it but its always so accusatory, and honestly, creeps worryingly close sounding very rad/fem like) when I bring up the fact that I don’t want to go to some states because they worry me. Or get told that she thinks I’m making being trans my whole personality just because I got rid of some Harry Potter stuff when that shit storm became more public (I honestly had no idea it was a thing until later as I’m not on Twitter and never really paid much attention to the author) despite the fact that I was never as into it as her. Sure I enjoyed the magic festivals around it and stuff but I didn’t even read all the books so I don’t see how it’s surprising. Just the other day she went on about how she doesn’t worry about how other people see her and I shouldn’t either, as if that’s any help at all and we hadn’t had that discussion before.
I don't see why I'm suddenly being treated so oddly, cause it's not like how my brother or my cousins (her sons) are treated. None of them get lectured about "women's issues" (reproductive rights and other stuff that doesn't just affect women) or told that they should be more feminine cause it doesn't matter how people perceive you. The opposite actually, my cousin asked me to paint his nails, picked a shimmery blue, and I got told not to do that again because he could get picked on for a shiny color. But I should obviously be above worrying about what people think when they see me. It's not like the fact that most people assuming I'm a girl makes feel like shit or anything. They don't get told that "you really are a boy" in some condescending manner when they forget something or do something she thinks is gross (I like to collect bugs and bones that I find, she does not think they are as cool as I do).
Part of me thinks it’s because there is something about me that she can’t understand and I think that bothers her. She gets so pissy whenever I point that out, that she obviously doesn’t understand what it’s like to be trans and/or have dysphoria. I don’t mean it in a mean way though and I’ve tried to explain that but I get nowhere. We both used to assume that my dysphoria was body image issues and that it was normal for a “girl my age” to be insecure so it seemed like something she had personal experience with.
Another part of me, though, thinks that is has to do with me wanting to get seen a boy now cause little changed before that came up. She has three sons, no daughters, and I was always her tag along to thinks like nail appointments, hair stuff, and was the designated helper for PTA meetings. We hung out all the time. Sure I very rarely participated with the nail stuff or the hair things unless I was getting it dyed but I was still usually around. She’d complain about her husband and I’d nod along, later I’d bitch about school and she’d listen maybe offer advice.
That’s all over now. We don’t go out nearly as often and when we do I always feel like I have to tread carefully about what in my life I can share. There’s just no reason for this. I don’t mind doing these things, I don’t mind following someone around while they shop if it means we get to hang out. But we don’t, because I’m a guy now and apparently that means I can’t hang out with her. Like, yeah, I’d rather not call it "girls night" but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be around the person I used to be closest to. I don’t see why me transitioning is an issue. Me being a guy doesn't mean my personality has had some drastic shift. Just because I don't want her doing my makeup anymore doesn't mean we can hang out.
It really just feels like like I'm going to lose my closest family member over this, and I don't know how to fix it. Cause if I ask directly she'll say there are no issue but obviously there is an issue. Idk, just don't see why things had to change so drastically between us. It seems kinda ridiculous complaining about this, but it's been bothering me for a long time.
