Olga B.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall...

[cherryroxtar]

Gone

Thinking of you makes me angry. I realize that I am still mad at you. For leaving, for thinking that it was ok for me to be a second choice. For thinking that I was still going to be here waiting for you like a sad puppy. I am mad at you for wanting to act like everything was still cool between us 4 DAYS after we broke up. Who the hell do you think you are? What did you think was going to happen? I’m not mad that you broke up with me or that you did it first, it infuriates me that you thought you weren't replaceable. That you thought I was going to be here waiting for you to do your thing and work on the things you thought were wrong with me.

 Yes, I made mistakes along the way and towards the end of it all. Things I’m not proud of, but one thing I can say with certainty is that I do not regret it. You were long gone in that relationship and I just wanted to feel wanted. You made me feel so inferior. You tried to change me and I did, because I loved you. I stopped seeing my friends, enjoying my life because of your antisociality. I made myself into someone who didn't know wasn't happy. I’m not trying to play the victim in all this because God knows I have my faults. This didn’t mean that you could sit there and take my power. Take my joy. Take me for granted. The little things you did and that I didn’t notice. Making me feel ashamed of the sexual being I am. Making me feel ashamed of the love I have for my family. Your jealousy of me trying to live and love.

 You are more damaged that I could ever repair. I love my family more than anything. Spending time with them, laughing, enjoying everything they are. It’s not my fault that your family isn’t as close as mine. You tried to take me away from them and I ALMOST let you. I almost let you take what was left of me. But I had someone looking out for me. I had someone who knew that this was not going to happen.

 When you broke up with me, I felt sadness, because I was losing someone I had cared for and loved for 7 years. It just seemed like it all went down the drain. It was all because you thought I would be sitting here missing and crying over you. Where did this all get you? 2 weeks later, trying to be together again, 6 months later trying to be together again, 1 year later trying to be together again. No. You forgot who I was. You got comfortable with my love for you. I’m still pissed that this is what you thought. So when you saw me with someone, when you saw me happy you just tried it. No. It’s not going to happen, ever. I’m not the one and you breaking up with me reminded me that I am capable to say this. I found someone that views me as beautiful and loves to spend time with me AND my family. Who loves to explore and enjoys me. Loves every part of me. Your materialism doesn’t compare to what he offers me. It’s not about what he gives me, it’s about how he makes me feel. Beautiful, euphoric, sexy, loved, silly, and more than anything he makes me feel me.

 You messed up when you left me. I messed up for letting it get this far. I don’t want the things that you want and I was willing to comprise myself for you. I am no longer someone you can manipulate and shame. I am taking my power and now I can say that I am gone.

[cherryroxtar]

Confessions Of A Broken Heart

I always wondered if you ever saw me as your own. You never treated me different growing up. The older I got though, the more I saw things change. It was the little things at first that really set it off. How you treat them in a different way. Then it just got very visibly loud. I may be overreacting and it might not be that way at all. I just can’t help but wonder sometimes. 

I just get so angry sometimes. All I've ever wanted was to be loved. It hurts so badly sometimes because I feel like you don’t love me. How do I get over these childish feelings? How do I face this? I havent learned how to deal with this feeling of neglect. Not from you. 

I have anger sometimes towards you. Sometimes I feel like I hate you. I sometimes wished to be with my real dad. When you do things for them without hesitation and when it comes to me, you don’t even bother. I feel like you just push me aside and don’t even care. How do I deal with all this? I feel so damaged by everything. Growing up with you was difficult. Nothing I ever did made you happy. Everything I have done and continue to do is a mistake. You want to know the sick part of it all? I still try to make you happy. I care what you think. I want to be what you want me to be. But I don’t fit into your ideal. I don’t want the things you think I should be. 

I can’t live up to it. Do you understand that? I don’t know how I can show you or tell you that what you want is not going to be. You look at me and all you see is a disappointment. When will things be different? When it comes to you, dad, I can’t be unapologetically me because, in your eyes, I am not a person that should be proud of who they are. When I’m around you I just feel like a failure of a person. I hate to feel like that. Sometimes, I hate to be around you because you make feel that way. 

How can I be truly happy if you’re not proud of me?

[cherryroxtar]

Ocean Eyes

When I think about you, my heart just smiles. Is that possible? For a heart to smile? Something about you makes me so happy. You just seem to love the way I am. That scares the hell out of me. Having such intense feelings, I fear a broken heart. It took such a long time to heal my biggest heartbreak and now here I am, feeling like you could be capable of this. Would you hurt me intentionally, no I don’t think you would. Sometimes I do question you and your intentions.

When I met you, I wasn’t looking to talk to you. I had my eye on someone else. You gave me your number just to make sure I made it home ok. And the next day you kept on texting me. You made me smile stupidly. It wasn't an instant attraction, but the more I talked to you the more I wanted to get to know you. We started hanging out and one day....it was just....explosive.

I was afraid of what was happening, because, how could I have these feelings for someone when I JUST got broken up with? There was no way this was possible. I wanted to say “ I love you” 6 months in. You gave me the most thoughtful gift in the world and how could I not love someone who didn’t know me all that well but also know me so perfectly? That’s a scary feeling. When you look at me, I feel so damn vulnerable. Like, you can see right through me. I can’t look at you in the eyes sometimes because you are just captivating. Sometimes, I just look at you be and think to myself, damn....the universe really did this to me. Brought you to me. I love the way you make me laugh, and try new things with me. I love that you like to hang out with my friends and that you like to invite me to your family gatherings. You don’t mind just, sitting there and watch my shows or movies. Kiss me on the forehead, make me feel wanted and loved. I only hope that I make you feel that good and that loved.

Sometimes though, and I keep this to myself, I get insecure. I feel like you are just there to be there. It’s probably all in my head. I’ve just been so used to having these walls and used to being the second choice or not even a choice at all. You don’t make feel like any of that. I wonder what you feel sometimes. I wonder what you say about me. Do your eyes light up when you do talk about me? Do you smile at your phone when you see my name pop up? I am afraid of my feelings for you because I am afraid to get hurt again. I’m afraid to be alone again. I really hope you know how much I do love you.

[cherryroxtar]

The Archer

Never in my life, I never knew that I could break a heart. Last night it felt that way. I felt it shatter to pieces. It was a series of events that lead to the final goodbye.

I had a dream the other day. I was in a school, preparing for a battle. Readying my arrowheads, ready to fight. I woke up and I wondered, what is this message? What is my dream trying to tell me?  I looked up interpretations and found that this means I am trying to set goals and plan a direction in life. I can’t help but feel like this dream came to me after I had a difficult message to send to A.S. He messaged me to ask for honesty. I sat there and typed out what my heart was feeling. I let him know that I didn’t think we were meant to be. I tried to previously tell him that I had a lot of work to do on my own. He tried to tell me that he would, in essence, be able to help me if I wanted him to, but, I can’t do that. He was part of some of my hurt. I loved him. He taught me to love again and he loved me when I was not looking to be loved. However, at the end of the day, we will always want different things in life. He wants a family of his own. His own kids. I can’t give him what he wants because my heart would never really be in it. Sending that message made me feel like I shot him straight in the heart.

There were a lot of underlying issues that we never discussed and maybe that was part of the problem. I know deep down he had a problem with my daughter’s dad, he had problems with me being close to my family, he didn’t want me to go and live life. He’s an anti-social person. Always tried his best to keep to himself and I am so completely opposite. I blew out the fire in my life because of him. I felt like I was someone else. I didn't realize how bad things were until we broke up and I asked my friend, “was it that bad?” He said, “you just seemed to be on autopilot” That comment hit me real hard because I didn’t recognize who I was. A lot of myself was completely lost.

Sometimes, we forget who we are and get lost within our partner. When he broke up with me I felt so fucking damn free. Initially, I was, of course, sad because we had been together for so long and we had gotten used to being us. As the week progressed, I found out the true reasons why he broke up with me. Then, I was angry. Why couldn’t he just be honest with me? But, I get it. Come to find out a month or two ago that they were all lies. At this point, I was already really and truly done with him. He’s going to be one of those people that I will have a love/hate memory because he tore me down but loved me when I was excessively hurt. I think we needed each other at the time but we prolonged something that wasn't meant to be that long. As narcissistic as I feel that he was, and I am not trying to justify the backhanded comments, he did show me what I really wanted for myself, which is me.

It really made me realize how I really wanted to and completely independent person. A person who could care for themselves. I want to be able to provide for my girl all on my own. I want to be like my warrior guide. Someone who rises above it all.  An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it's going to launch you into something great. I took this dream and interpreted in two different ways because I felt them both, but I choose to be the archer that wins. This battle of trueness and self-love without fear. Learning to love without boundaries or fear. I am the archer.

[cherryroxtar]

Pieces Of Me

My place of serenity, the shower. I don't know what it is but that is where I can just think.  I’m very slowly trying to peel what's at the root of basically my existence. I have many underlying issues that I haven't even begun to explore. Right now I am trying to learn why I’m afraid of long term commitment. Long relationships, I can do all day, but marriage, growing old together, that's where the fear comes in. I make sure to make it a point to tell guys that I don't believe in marriage and that I don't want to have any more children. Give them an out. Sometimes I want to say that it’s a “here are the rules, and if you don't agree then you are more than welcome to leave”

I always thought that this was a way to set my standards, a way to weed out the ones that can’t handle it. Basically, anyone who is here to waste my time. I think that this has become a defense mechanism of some sort so I know 100% that I won't get hurt if they choose to walk away. It all comes down to him. The one that destroyed my hopes. I used to want to get marriage and family with him, When he left me alone and unwanted I threw all those dreams away. I hated the idea of committing myself and investing my time on someone who at the end of it all was going to basically leave me anyway.

So far, it’s been the same. After him, I wasn't thinking about finding love and then I started seeing A.S. He, in a way, helped me feel love again. It was all great until he met someone else and left me for her. We still hung out and we ended up together again. I thought, yes,  we are meant to be. He broke up with that girl and we ended up dating for another 6 years.

He broke up with me a year ago. I was crushed and relieved. You see, at some point in our relationship, we stopped being the way we were. We got comfortable. It suddenly felt like a routine and for me, the love was just fading. I had gotten a new position at work and he wasn’t supportive of it. I knew then that this would make or break our relationship. It broke our relationship. I felt like he had no faith in me as a person. As weeks went by, I realized there were a lot of things he said that made me feel less of a person. Like any narcissist, he’d say things in a manner to where it was a backhanded compliment. Sometimes it was just an outright insult. The one that really stuck with me was “you’re tainted.” My past is not the prettiest, but I was never ashamed of the things I had done, because, well they taught me things. For the first time ever, I was ashamed of me. I didn't know it then but, I didn't deserve to spoken of in that way. I didn’t stand up for myself and say what I wanted to say because I was afraid to lose love again. I was afraid to be alone again. Loneliness, I guess that's what I fear the most. To be abandoned like F.M. left me years before.

A.S. asked me recently why I didn’t find for him after he broke up with me. My answer was simple, I can’t be with someone and love them if I don't love me. I love myself to some extent, but I know there are so many more pieces of me that I haven't healed and loved. The reason being was because he made me feel ashamed of who I was and who I am. I never thought of him as a narcist until we broke up. I thought because he loved me he could do no wrong. He always thought that I wouldn’t be with anyone else if we ever broke up and he’d be the one that would, for better lack of words, “win the breakup.” He thought he was the shit. Things didn’t work out the way he envisioned in his head I guess and here he is, missing things we used to do. I can’t say I miss it because really and truly I don’t miss the familiarity of us. The routine. I don't miss the lack of spontaneity.

I am trying to learn to peel it all back. My realizations are being put out there but I do need to work on actually working on it. How do you begin to do this? How?

[cherryroxtar]

Jealous

When I think about my childhood, I honestly don’t remember many things. I remember a few good things and I remember a few bad things. To be honest, what comes to mind is pain. I saw my mother and father fight constantly because of his alcoholism. Eventually, my father stopped drinking and things got better, a lot better. 

I was driving the other day and I came to the conclusion that I never felt loved or accepted really by family. You see, my father is really my stepfather, but I grew up with him so he has always been my father to me. His family always made me feel unwanted and unloved. They would treat my sister and me differently than our cousins. They were the favorites. Deep down this really hurt me but I would act like it didn't bother me at all. All that hurt turned into jealousy. I’ve been jealous ever since. Sometimes my dad would favorite my siblings and still does. The things he says and does hurt me. I’m not trying to play the victim because, yes, there are many things that I’ve done to be where I am and I have placed my self in those situations. I wonder if I had a house and if I were married if he’d feel the same or say the things he says. I am jealous of how I feel that he loves them more. I’ve always been jealous of my friends who have better things or my friends were able to do things that I couldn’t. I used to be jealous of how boys liked my friends better. I felt so rejected since I could remember. 

In 4th grade, I was so in love with this one boy. One of my “close friends” decided to tell him that I had a crush on him. He said he didn’t like me but like another friend of mine. I was so damn crushed. He didn't like me. I started to wonder what was wrong with me. Did all boys think I was ugly or didn’t like me? At some point, I gained confidence in myself, but the jealousy was all there. High school definitely made things worst. I always sought acceptance and all I wanted was to be loved. 

How do you get over jealousy? I am beyond grateful for the life I have been given but I’m not happy with the life I have made for myself. I am jealous of people insanely in love. I’m jealous of people with great bodies. I’m jealous of people who have a house. 

This is something that I feel I am going to struggle to overcome. 

[cherryroxtar]

The Struggle

Lately, I have been trying to figure out some things. My sister went on this spiritual journey last year and I swear I've never seen her so happy. I’m a little jealous because, well, I want to achieve that happiness. How could I get there when I have so many underlying issues. Abandonment, not feeling loved, loneliness, fear, commitment issues, intimacy stuff. That is a lot to work on and all I want to do is fast forward all the crying and all the self-exploration and just be happy. That won’t happen, will it? 

Recently, I dealt with confrontation. Something I'm not very good at. I don't care to fight with people because I feel like I don't have the energy for it. I don’t like to listen to people. I don't like to be wrong and I don't like people telling me what I'm doing wrong. Anyways, during this confrontation, which wasn't hostile, I realized that I fear to face my problems. We had this long 1-hour talk about who we were, what we won’t be and how the future for us had already been determined. I went home and I looked in the mirror, I finally became unafraid of forgiving myself. I had been struggling with forgiveness for months at the time and I didn’t want to say “I forgive you” to myself. 

What I did many years ago, I did it because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to take care of that child. Mostly, I did it because I was a selfish person. I didn't want to care for a child at the age of 21. I had JUST moved out of my parent's house and now I was able to be free, drink, and party whenever the hell I wanted. I was being hard on myself because I knew what I did was selfish and the worst part of it was that I didn’t feel in the least bit guilty. I was ok with what I did and why I did it. How can a person be so cold? How can I not feel bad about it? And then one day, I did. I felt the hurt, the abandonment, the rejection, the void. I felt it and there was no way I was going to forgive her for those thoughts, for what she did.

The struggle to self-love and forgiveness and enlightenment is going to be a horrible mess. I know it. I've only scraped the tip of it all.

[cherryroxtar]

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[cherryroxtar]

Can I just live like this forever #lovethewater #pool #today #staycoolmyfriends #summerdaze #loveit

[cherryroxtar]

Enjoying the sun #funinthesun #thursday #pool #staycoolmyfriends #summerdaze

[cherryroxtar]

Super late post of Sophia at the rodeo during spring break! Love that smile!! #sb2k16 #latepost #sophiecakes #mylove

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@evon_nails_spa hooked it up!! Love them!! #nails #houston #evonnailsandspa #red #gold #onpoint

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This one is my favorite! #christmas2014 #christmastree #sophiecakes #sophiavictoria #sophiaj #myprincess #minime #goodnight

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#bored #yluego #happyfourth #latepost #sunglasses #blacknails #cherryroxtar #olgab

[cherryroxtar]

Why yes....I am a beauty! #sophiecakes #summerdays #beautyqueen #myoneandonly #myprincess #minime

[cherryroxtar]

Sooo loving this sun today #sun #poolin #tannin #pink #black #humpday #darknesses #loveit #didntforget #myspf #hydrate #protect #yourskin #summer #iloveya

[cherryroxtar]

Morning workout ready #igotthis #morning #workout #Tuesday