cherry valley forever
The Bowery Presents
$LAYYYTER
JVL
Jules of Nature
bliss lane
noise dept.
KIROKAZE
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Cosimo Galluzzi
Origami Around
#extradirty
pixel skylines
Monterey Bay Aquarium
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Love Begins
Xuebing Du
gracie abrams
Cosmic Funnies
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@chi-zusan
Day 57
January - you left me
February - Financial burdens and bedridden sickness
March - Contract with my employer terminated.
Oh 2019... how you treat me so well. I'm glad I'm numb to this pain. Just gotta live long enough to pay my dues, dish out revenge and say my goodbyes. At this rate guess it's going to be awhile...glad the universe still wants to play me like this.
Day 27
It's been about 5 days since I started taking medication again. Lexapro is something I'm used to but the onset was difficult. The daily nightmares and all the mania kept me from sleeping for days. I'm very indifferent about everything now but there are many things that still remind me of you. I can feel the drug in my head cutting that thought process everytime it starts. I still don't understand how you could replace me so readily...I still don't understand why you left me completely...I still don't know if you even loved me...I still don't know if you were actually a good person...I still don't want to think you were just completely selfish in thought...I still don't want to think bad of you but.....this is where my thoughts always end up. If you were going to make me suffer like this I wish you would've just shot me.
Day 18
I've had many dreams since the day you left...all ending badly. I guess the horrible thoughts in the back of my head materialize into what I don't want to believe in. They take your form and tell me that I was not good enough. They tell me that what we had wasn't real love. They tell me that I was a waste of time and this current bf is better than you in all ways. These nightmares keep me awake and falling asleep is now a chore. My heart dies more and more with each episode. I just hope these nightmares don't speak truths...
Day 14
Well today makes it 2 weeks since you've decided to leave me...I don't think I've been through a day where I haven't thought about you. I always find my mind drifting back to the days where we drove for food. When I sit in my car I always find myself staring at the empty shotgun seat...of course that day last Thursday where you gave me my stuff...I can't help but think that my letter I gave to you was left unread. That letter helped me with closure...but I still have a part of me fixated on the past. Even if I get out of this rut of regrets and unfulfilled love...I don't think I'll ever be the same. A part of me will always live with you.
Day 8
You've already replaced me. It hurts to know that what I was worth can be replaced so readily...I still wake up with heartache knowing I won't see you. I wonder if I'll even ever see you again... Or have you just abandoned everything that you associated with your past? I hope that's not the case...why did it come to this....the regrets I live with are immense. Please come to your senses.....
Day 6
I'm disposable. There's nothing more to it. No matter how good of a friend I can try to be I'll always be disposable. This pain I feel now...it won't leave me. All good things come to an end. I just wanted to be happy together. Feeling betrayed. Feeling forgotten. Feeling alone. This world is cruel and unforgiving. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. You wouldn't even know I left.
or even care.
Day 3
I'm still living in the idea that one day things will be the same again...but I know that is naiive. Everything I do. Every place I go. I'm haunted by the memories we shared..... constantly reminding me that on that day you left me I've misplaced most of myself. You speak of finding a better match...you don't realize that even if I do find someone better they'll just be living in the shadow that you've left. I cannot remember the last time I've ever been hurt like this...I'd rather be dead.
Go crawl in a pile of shit and die a death of 1000 cuts and dysentery.
It's been 3 years...I've lived in this pitiful state for 3 years...How am I not dead? I should just sell my life
My support base sucks...Literally all I have nowdays to make me feel better is a single cat and all the cigarettes in the world. Why does everything have to be so artificial and empty...?
To believe in God is to believe in shit. As privileged I am to live a middle class life....My life has been nothing but failures and temporary happiness. I've no goals so please come and kill me off.
It's nice to know you're disposable. I'll proceed to dispose of myself.
Just another amazing day
To the fucking idiot who brought the Resident Association to my room and caused me to lose my study room and sleep. You're a mother fucking over privileged sheltered son of a bitch. Great grand idea of deciding to move from your room with 6 weeks left in the 2nd fucking semester. You must be mentally equivalent to a fucking cabbage. This all because you don't want to be next to the main road. Perhaps it's hard to sleep when you have cars pass by at night. Well go fuck yourself you don't have to deal with lawn mowers and leaf blowers. Thanks to you I lose my sanctuary away from dumbfucks like you. All because you wanted to look at the real estate which is my apartment. I swear to God if you become my roommate I'll be sure to repay the favor.
Just an endless fucking cycle. Just another endless fucking cycle. Just another completely fucking endless cycle. Why can’t anything change? Why must it still be this way? Why can’t I just fucking go and off myself? Why can’t I just let go? This is bullshit. No job. No sweetheart. Just fake happiness. My suffering will never end it seems. I just want happiness…Genuine happiness.
Lonely as ever...
Life is truly unfair. How does one be happy?
