constants

The day you realize there's not enough time, because you want to live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days.

[chiapet]

Happy birthday america! Beer for me and cheers to you! #rarebarrel #sourbeer #beer #wood

[chiapet]

Plated desserts are the way to go. #plateddesserts #dessert #chef #pastry #apricot #apricotmeringue #itsartyeah

[chiapet]

Plating all day err day. #cheflife #chef #dessert

[chiapet]

Little rose lemon shortbread Mignardeses. #dontbefooled #theyareoneinchbig #isighedandallmyflowerpetalsflewoff #pastry #chef #rose #shortbread 2015.5.10.

[chiapet]

How lucky am I to live in the sunshine state #california #carmelbythesea #carmel #calove #ocean #17miledrive

[chiapet]

Never thought I'd make a raw sugar free gluten free vegan banana cream pie #vegan #glutenfree #raw #banana #pie #pastry

[chiapet]

It's bread week y'all! #bread #myfavoriteweekishere #sourdough #pastryschool #baking #pastry

[chiapet]

Don't be the sheep.

[chiapet]

Look at your perfect little feet. #macaron #pastry #desserts #imturniningaround #kindafun #sfcooking

[chiapet]

It's crepe week y'all! #crepe #crepecake #dessert #layers #pastry

[chiapet]

Thanks for the getaway. #constant #sunset #california #ca 2015.3.1.

[chiapet]

It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life.

[chiapet]

Hand sprayed hand shelled chocolate truffles made by yours truly. Now I know why they cost 3$ a piece... #chocolate #design #dessert #pretty #truffles

[chiapet]

Tic. Tok. #hipstertothemax #iwantit #clock #wereallrunningonborrowedtime

[chiapet]

Box of our favorite goodies: Ginger jumbles, Graham crackers, Rosemary matzoh, pistachio tea cake, Frankenstein granola, apricot and passion fruit jam, pecan candy cap sables, salted caramel ganache truffles, and a very beety red velvet cake. #sfcooking @sfcooking #dessert #presenttomyself #sweet #jam #pastry #weeeee #althoughicannolongerfeelmylegs

[chiapet]

Relief

It's weird that something can simultaneous hurt you yet offer a huge sense of relief.

Burden off. Go.

[chiapet]

Let me tell you a story.

Imagine an 18 year old skinny tall Asian girl, sitting on the floor of her white bedroom in Fremont, California, legs spread-eagled, journal in between, her hands scrawling furiously. It was a warm and sunny Saturday as good as any to share with family and friends and she was sitting at home busying herself with whatever, just like how she spent every other weekend.

I didn't go out with friends, nor did I desired to. Socializing in high school consisted of inefficient foot loops around the dingy local mall and hard work. Everyone needed confirmation that their jokes were funny, reassurance that their issues will be resolved, justification to go on and on about their lives when in truth people [by that I mean me] usually never cared and would immediately dismiss these "intimate" details as soon as the page turned onto a new day. And when friends turned the table and asked me about myself, well-intentioned to say the least, I always found it probing. I shared my personal thoughts with no one, I shared my secrets with no one. I've never had a best friend, never even had friends who could overcome the challenges of being friends with a girl who moved every two years or so who was indeed distant and closed off. I was a great acquaintance and the shittiest of best friends. Unsurprisingly, in the end the only companions I had on this cliched little journey called life was the white pages of my journal and my own damn self.

I won't pretend I was a fucked up child with a fucked up childhood. I had hardships yes, but I had everything I needed provided for me and all the love in the world from my dearest parents. I just had walls the height of sequoias around my heart and my soul reinforced with enough weaponry to stir talks of international intervention if my mind were a declared nation on this crazy Earth.

I was a selfish child. I looked out for myself, I took care of myself, I mainly thought of just myself. Getting through life was a task that needed to be done and I wanted more than anything else to skip straight to the end when I had everything figured out.

The end when I wasn't looking for whatever it is I was missing. Wanting whatever it is I didn't know I needed. Struggling to feel included or fulfilled or even motivated at all. Life up to that point was just a string of achievements to put on a sash and drape over my parents and I had no idea what I wanted except maybe to find out why everyone else got to go on with people by their sides and I was inexplicably always alone.

When I look back now I know I was lonely. I didn't feel it then, but then again you never feel the absence of the thing that isn't there until the thing shows up to chew up a heck of a lot of space for itself and then suddenly abandons you leaving a hole way bigger than was there before.