Pheefers

28, Chicago, Nurse, Foodie, Catholic, dog lover ❤️ I have the best job in the world but sometimes I need to vent a little

[chicagonurse14]

Things I like about him

- the fact that he's not glued to his phone. He's not on social media. He actually left his phone in his car on our first date. I never saw him look at his phone once during our second or third dates

[chicagonurse14]

I think I really found a great guy here. He skipped his workout to take me out yesterday. This doesn't sound like much but he's a very routine oriented man. And he likes his workouts over him skip a day for me, that's important. That means he's making the effort for me even when it's inconvenient. Also the fact that he asked his friend for advice somewhere to take me shows that he's making an effort.

[chicagonurse14]

I let people assume that I left bedside nursing because I was burnt out from the trauma, burnt out from seeing people die, burnt out from being overworked. Overworked. All of that led to burnout but that's not the reason I left a bedside. That's not the reason I won't ever go back. I never want to be faced with the immense pressure of having to decide between three people in need. I will never forget the overwhelming and crushing feeling of helplessness I felt. It's been 3 years but it feels like yesterday. I will never forget that on the evening shift, there were 14 patients with two RNs working. I had one patient whose blood pressure was over 200 and they were admitted for a previous stroke, meaning they were very high risk for having another stroke. I was medicating her with IV medication that required vitals recheck every 10 minutes because it was so strong that if she dropped too fast she could pass out. At the same time, a bed alarm was going off with my patient who could barely walk because they had to make a bowel movement. I remember pleading with them to please wait for me, because I knew she would fall but I also was trying to draw up the medication for the man's blood pressure and give it to him first. Then at the same time, a call light was going off and I could see into the patient's room and the woman was crying because she was in so much pain and needed medication. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest crushing me and I couldn't get enough air in. All three of these patients were suffering. They knew I couldn't be in three places at once but I was suffering because I felt so helpless. The other nurse couldn't help me, I had called for her but she was in another room and wasn't responding to me at all. All. Plus she had seven patients of her own. I ran to give the first patient the blood pressure medicine and prayed to God that he didn't pass out. That I ran to the patient who needed to poop with a plan to leave on the toilet while medicating the other patient who was in pain. However, when I got to her room she had defecated on herself and was crying. I felt terrible. I said was so sorry. I lied and said I was going to get warm wipes to clean her up. I just wanted to run out of that room and give the other patient her pain meds because I was already too late and there was poop everywhere. It can wait another 2 minutes. I ran into the last patient room and gave her pain medication and she was sobbing. She was in so much pain and just wanted me to hold her but I couldn't. I tried to sound as empathetic as possible even though I was running out of her room. I wanted her to know that I really did care that she was in pain and I wanted her to feel better but I also couldn't stay any longer. Then I ran to the other room to check the blood pressure. And finally ran back to the patient and cleaned the bowel movement off of them.

Now if I look back on this and think that this was an extreme example and saying I could never go back to bedside is dramatic, I want my future self to know that that is a false assumption. Situations like this happen a lot. And they happen too much to me in those first 5 years. As a nurse, that I feel like I have this permanent scar tissue around my soul. I still have empathy, but when faced with the choice to care for people in need, I don't want to do it. Part of me feels like a terrible human for admitting that, but I only want to care for myself and my loved ones. Now. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want to keep chipping away my soul. Because I'm going to lose my empathy. Those last few months being a nurse and being faced with these terrible decisions made me realize that I was losing my caring nature. I remember my last shift being on my lunch break, and my patient calling for pain medication. I told them I would be there as soon as I could. But I kept eating my lunch. I didn't care. They could wait. In reality, I could have given them their pain medicine, and then continued my lunch in peace.

I realized I've never leaving this nurse practitioner job. It's telemedicine. I'm never faced with another physical human being again. I'll never be faced with the pressure that I was faced with before. Nor will I ever have the pressure of being the soul person responsible for someone's care. This current job is a specialty, so I only focus on a small area of a patient's care and I really don't impact their health trajectory. It's such a relief. I'm not utilizing 99% of my MP knowledge and I'm losing it over time which means it will be impossible for me to switch jobs and another 5 years. So I'm stuck here and I'm okay with that. Whatever they throw at me, I'm going to take it because it's better than going back to bedside or even the office side. I don't want to touch another human being again as a health care professional

[chicagonurse14]

I believe that God made everything happen for a reason. The assaults, the attacks, the depression, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the sense of losing control. All of it happened so He could show me pain. NOW I can go help other people in pain because I understand it

[chicagonurse14]

Patient quotes: hey I’m 73 years old and I can use my phone and computer so I have some knowledge in this area. I’m not getting anything Apple. I think Apple is a cult. And I’m not buying into it

[chicagonurse14]

Horror stories only a nurse can bear witness too— lady with a new ostomy due to bowel perforation from anal rape. I’m truly horrifying what other humans are capable of

[chicagonurse14]

You can’t just sit there and put everyone’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love -perks of being a wallflower

[chicagonurse14]

Nothing grates my teeth like a nurse avoiding answering a patient’s question or giving a wishy washy answer and saying at the end “OkKKaaYyy?” and like shouting okkk with a higher inflection at the end.  Ugh hate it

[chicagonurse14]

I can’t believe I let that patient get under my skin like that. I just keep hearing him call me “incompetent” in my head over and over agin. But I know it’s not true.

I also hate how I wasted an entire day yesterday trying to write a paper. It’s like last term all over again when I get stressed out and can’t get anything done. I wish I could go back to how I used to be so proactive and on top of my assignments

[chicagonurse14]

Mood

Me: in a deep depression unable to do anything

Also me: Anxiety telling me if I don’t do anything I’m a piece of shit

[chicagonurse14]

First trip to the shrink

I appreciated that she validated that my old job left me burned out and morally distressed 

The psychologist wants to work on my mood first because she thinks this is tied to my weight loss. 

I think I need to target my sleep. I don’t want to take Trazadone or any med to sleep but my house is so hot and I don’t see that changing until winter. So I’ve accepted taking the medication while the house is hot. I keep waking up after only a few hours of sleep. I long to go back to sleeping the night through.

She asked if I had ever been sexual abused, physically abused, or emotionally abused. I said yes to all 3 and she wants to dive deeper into that because she thinks that could explain why I am the way that I am...I don’t really think so. It was so long ago. Maybe the emotional abuse still lingers. 

She also wants to see me weekly because we have a lot of work to do. I found this kinda funny

[chicagonurse14]

I’m So Messed Up

I’m seeing a prevention medicine provider today. My doctor prescribed this service because she thinks I'm stressed and anxious. I think it’s all tied to depression. Each month before my period, I get really depressed and emotional. I cry all the time. Since last fall, the depressed felling stays with me longer and longer. Also this feeling of complete disengagement and it’s putting myself in bad situations. 

What I’ve tried: supplements like St. John’s Wort, Valerian Root, Ashwahanda, melatonin; medications like Trazadone; light therapy in winter, essential oils, bath salts, and CBT through the wellness center. 

We’ll see what this psychologist recommends. 

I don’t want to take medications. If life has gotten so bad that I need meds to be happen then I should quit school or the job because it’s not worth it.

None of my clothes fit. I need a change. Yet I still eat terrible. 

[lifewithlala]

Hi, guys! Lala here. We all know the importance of having a morning and night routine, but I haven’t seen a lot of people talking about having a study routine. So I wanted to share mine with you and hopefully you guys can get some value out of it. 

Do you have a study routine too or want to share some tips? Share them with me! 

[chicagonurse14]

When life knocks you down, calmly get back up and politely say, You hit like a bitch

Zendaya 

[chicagonurse14]

Inequality while working with Covid

The first few weeks were really hard. No one wanted to go into these rooms. The people who clean refused and left new trash bags outside the rooms. The people who pick up the linen refused. The people delivering meals refused and left food outside the room. The people who pick up the sharps containers refused and left new containers outside the rooms. A lot of the nurse aids refuses and quit or called in. They said “we have kids” or “I don’t want to get this!”. The doctors refused and called the patients room phone or asked the nurse to bring in the iPad so they could video call in. Management said we all needed to work on clustering work to minimize exposure. Tell me how it was fair to leave me in the room longer to hold the iPad for the provider, change the trash, pick up the dirty linen, replace the sharps bin, bring them every meal & fresh water throughout the day, take their vitals, and bath them. On top of providing medication and monitoring their oxygen needs. Nurses without children and husbands were given the sickest patients because of “their high risk fo transmission”. I was told “since your single, you should be picking up overtime too”

I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR INEQUALITY DURING THIS PANDEMIC. WE ALL TOOK THE OATH TO SAVE LIVES. 

[chicagonurse14]

Fetal Demise

I took care of my first fetal demise patient a couple of weeks ago. She was a smoker so she gave birth to a still born who was like 36 weeks or something like that. It was a nearly term baby. I got report and went into the room. The bay was wrapped up in a blanket and had a cap on and clothes. He was in a bassinet. He had been there all night with mom and dad. Mom said she was afraid to hold me again because he was cold. I offered to wrap him in a warm blanket but she said it was “time to put him back in the fridge”. I asked if they had a funeral home picked out because this would be who the morgue would coordinate with. They had and they were ready to say goodbye. I call out Chaplains. They ask to game plan what will be said before we go in. I think these were new chaplains because they introduced themselves and then just looked to me. So I explained to mom & dad that I would bring their baby back to the morgue if they wanted to say goodbye now. I made sure they knew that the baby could stay as long as they wanted and there was no rush. Mom said now was good. I went to the bassinet to carry the baby out. The chaplain had suggested early that their would be a sign of respect instead of wheeling out the clunky bassinet. It was like the dad fully realized what was happened because he sat up straight and asked “oh you’re taking him now”. He kissed the baby’s head and said “Bye little man”. Then the mom asked if she could kiss him. She had a single tear running down her cheek. She gave him a small kiss and then put on a brave face and declined any prayer offered by the chaplain. The chaplains wheeled the bassinet out after me. I carried the baby down the hall to a private room. By coworkers looked on sadly. The baby was so light and wiggly. I’m not used to carrying babies and was cradling him so carefully because I was afraid a leg or arm would slip out. Once in the room, it was time to tag baby and put him in the body bag. The chaplain said we need to take the clothes off baby, but she made no move to do it. I could tell they were uncomfortable so I just went ahead. With his hat off, I realized how blue baby had turned. His fontanelles weren’t closed yet so his bead was really squishing and scale was moving. I really gentle here. As I took off his clothes I notices areas on him arms and legs and abdomen were skin had been peeled away and some tendon showed. It looked plastically and shinny. Maybe because of the cold or a preservative the morgue placed. I wondered if this was from forceps helping to deliver baby. The chaplain still made no move to help, so I lifted baby up and placed him in the body bag. He was like a stream star fish in my hands. It was in this moment that I was really struck by how sad it was to realize he would never live his life. A tag was tied around his wrist and to the body bag. It was then placed in a special bag to be transported to the morgue. I was filling out the paper work to send them to the morgue, when mom and dad were walking out to get “some fresh air”. I knew that meant a smoke. Even though smoking had killed her baby, I couldn’t judge her. Nicotine is addiction. I will never judge my patients. I took a vow and oath. The transporter had picked up the bag and was waiting for my to fill out the paper work. She was kind of swinging the bag around but mom didn’t notice her. My heart stopped for a second when she walked past because if she had realized what was in that duffel bag, I can’t imagine what the reaction would have been.

[chicagonurse14]

depression

It’s crazy how low I get before my period. For the past week, I’ve been feeling so bad about myself. I’ve been feeling like I can’t make it in school or at work. I have no desire to talk to anyone. I don’t want to talk with my siblings or call my friends back. I don’t even want to wash my face or brush my teeth. I just eat ben & jerry’s all day and watch TV. 

I am fully aware that I should go for a walk, or brush my teeth or any of these tiny tasks. It’s like there’s a part of my brain saying get up! But my body won’t do it. I have zero energy and zero desire to do anything.

I just want to give up