i made a big mistake and went back and looked at some really old tweets and now it reminds me of that innocence i had. i always thought there was the furthest thing from a chance in hell that i would look back on my years at indian hill with fondness, but oh god does the nostalgia hit me now. its not that i wish i could go back there, i don't, but there was something about me back then. and i really think it was hope.
I'm on antidepressants now and i guess in general i could say I'm contented with the way things are; i’m back in school, i have a nice apartment, i have food, i have friends. but i feel like i got stuck somewhere hard between 2014 and 2016. like i stopped growing. i stopped experiencing new things.
i dunno, i guess i feel cheated. obviously theres no way to know how things might have panned out differently, but i think that if things hadn’t have had to happen that october, like maybe if he had gotten better, maybe i would be in a better place. that blissful ignorance i had made things so much easier, i didn’t worry about the future because there was so much that i was enjoying in the present. maybe i was enjoying to excess. maybe i was enjoying myself with mundane pleasures and not really experiencing my “full potential”.
I'm trying to make sure my sister doesn’t make these mistakes now that she's become a little athenian. she won’t though, she's got way to good of a head on her shoulders to make half the mistakes i have. but i still worry and i don’t know, we don’t talk about it, but i feel like theres a slight vacancy in her that resembles mine. life fucks you up, i guess it’ll happen to you no matter what but i still feel like that was just something that you can’t throw on people our age and expect things to remain the same. i think she still has the hope though. her little LA picture in her dorm room is perhaps one of the biggest things to give me optimism. I'm dumb and have to retake a class so i get to be in class with her which is pretty cool, definitely one of the closest experiences we’ll have while both attending OU.
its not to say that i’ve given up. i do want to be involved in live sound and i totally think that it’ll happen if i make it happen. i’m trying to be more wary of idleness this year (as i sit procrastinating here ;) and i’m working out again. i’m finding new music. im trying to get my shit together and actually make music.
i’ve probably said this somewhere before but its so goddamed well put when kurt whines “i think i’m dull”, because i do feel dull. i feel hollow. but i don’t at the same time, i dunno maybe its one of the paradoxes we got ourselves into through droogs.
~is it the reflection of the mirror
that fills me up with fear
or is it the path ahead
that makes me wish for a moment to be dead
not gone, but a glimpse to the other side
to find out if life will be worth the ride
really i don’t want to be dramatic or rash
i’d just like to figure it out beyond the implied obsession of cash
the numbness is calling but i try not to pick up
remember the insanity of where i was stuck
for now i’ll keep my smile and continue to cope
but i worry that forever i’ve lost the hope~
