I am a piece of shit.
I have really no reason to continue living, but I do mostly out of bitterness and spite. My goal in life is to go to trade school to become a CNA just so I can feel better about myself. I don't see any real inherent value in human life. I am just a fucktard’s fucktard. Yes, I am planning on becoming a CNA with an attitude like that, who cares? At least I have an actual valid goal now. When I was, I don’t know, 13 to the age of 15 I thought that the cool thing to be when you grew up was a total fuck up. I’m not talking about the ones who drink and shoot up drugs everyday, I’m talking about the fuck ups who go to work at their local fast food joint. I always envisioned that I would drop out of school and do nothing productive for the rest of my life. But my parents finally talked me into doing something that’ll make me money. I have no friends. None whatsoever, and I really never have. I am fairly large, ugly, and disturbing, and I tend to make everyone around me hate me. I know this because people, including my twin sister, have told this to my face. The only people who ever spend any time with me are people who use me for company when they are sad. I feel as though I should talk about my parents real quick. They’re pretty great parents, my mom has worked for years just to make sure we’ve always had a roof over our heads. My dad used to go to work, but recently has had to be put on disability because of his heart disease and his lungs. He’s also on an oxygen machine but that doesn’t make him stop smoking. He doesn’t smoke when he has the tubes up his nose, he just goes into the kitchen and smokes. My mom’s really nice, even though people think that she’s a rude human being. My dad’s my favorite man in the world, but sometimes he can get really angry at no reason and it’s really stressful. Even though my parents and I have arguments, I still love them. I always will. Same goes for my sisters, but I don’t necessarily want to talk about them. They make me really mad. Now, even though I love my parents I always seem to give them an attitude and I’ll end up yelling at them. Everytime this happens, I’ll go up to my room and I’ll bawl. I’ll sit up there and tell myself how much of an asshole I am. You know why I do this? Because I’m a horrible human being and that makes me hate every little thing in this beautiful world. I take things for granted, I’m hateful, spiteful, and bitter. I hate living, but I keep going because of my family. I really want to die but there’s simply nothing I can do about it. Also, don’t go telling me that I need medical help- I really could care less because I’m not going to go out and off myself.
