Severus sank a little lower into the lower still armchair. His shoulders felt curved and his chest felt slightly tight, and he wanted to look up but his eyes felt weary and unfocused. He felt strangely still, almost as if whatever energy normally infused his muscles with movement was draining away, or had drained away. It was not cold in the room, but he felt cold, emanating from within, and causing the occasional tremble to shiver his skin against his robes.
“Severus…”
He did not even glance toward the voice; could not, even. “This is stupid.” His words were unrefined, chosen poorly, childish even, and yet, maybe childish was the most effective term. He wanted to be childish, childlike, because the alternative, that he had to take control and command here, was too much to contemplate now.
“It is not, and you know that.”
His hair was irritating him, but he chose to do nothing about it as it brushed against eyelashes with every slow blink. He thought it was strange how he could feel the corners of his mouth, downturned. He was never one for smiling, always hidden behind a mask, and yet here, tonight, the…grey…was tangible. “Prove it,” he spat, the most amount of life and spark he felt he could demonstrate. The last amount.
“How? This is all in your control, Severus. You have to find the way through, and you will. I know you will. I believe in you.”
“Really? You abandoned me.” Petulance, perhaps.
“I did not.” The voice replied, even and sharp in equal measure; offended, obviously, yet protective, still, worn with affection and determination.
“Prove it.” He demanded again, and the hesitant pause that followed told him all he needed, before he heard the damning response of, “I can’t. You are not alone, Severus.”
“Reassure me and comfort me like you used to.” He turned his head to face the portrait. “Oh, wait. You can’t.”
It’s almost as if my good friend read my mind last night….
Bonus Snapetober - Halloween, with Severus and Albus, where Albus attempts to explain what Christmas is, to Severus.
“Severus, listen.” Albus grasped Severus’ arm and pulled him aside, “This is a thing called a present, the whole thing starts with a box - “ He showed Severus a brightly wrapped box.
Severus leaned forward, “A box? Is it steel, are there locks, is it filled with a pox?” He straightened, “How delightful, a pox!”
Albus narrowed his eyes, “If you please.” Severus folded his arms, and looked rather more disinterested. “It’s just a box,” He pointed to it again, “With bright coloured paper - and the whole thing is topped with a bow.”
“A bow? But why?” Severus demanded, “How ugly - “ He took the box, “But what’s in it, what’s in it?”
“That’s the point of the thing, not to know!” Albus exclaimed, trying to snatch his present back, but Severus was far too intrigued, shaking it, “It’s a bat - will it bend - no it’s a rat - will it break - oh!” Severus grinned, “Perhaps it’s the head that I found in the lake.”
Frustrated, Albus decided to move on, “Listen now, you don’t understand, that’s not the point of this Christmas land.” He exhaled, and then, with renewed vigour, “Now pay attention.” He hoisted a brightly coloured stocking into the air, which Severus eyed suspiciously. “We pick up an oversized sock, and hang it like this on the wall.” He indicated to Severus how this would be done, and his Prince of Potions considered, tilting his head to the side. “Oh yes - does it still have a foot - let me see - let me look - “ Albus kept him at arm’s bay, “Is it rotted and covered in gook?”
“Let me explain….there’s no toot inside but there’s candy…” Albus’ eyes lit up, “And sometimes it’s filled with small toys!”
“Small…toys?” Severus moved toward the stocking, “Do they bite, do they snap, do they explode in the sack…” His musing were murmured aloud and at every one, Albus disapproved more. “Or perhaps…” Severus continued, “They just jump out and scare girls and boys!” Grinning a brilliant grin, Severus nodded, “What a splendid idea, this Christmas sounds fun! I full endorse it, let’s try it at once!”
And Albus Dumbledore quite promptly gave up with trying to get Severus on board with the idea…of Christmas cheer.
~ To amuse myself on this lonely Halloween evening.
Thank you to @snapetober for such a wonderful challenge, and thank you to all my readers for enduring my long gaps, and commenting on my work, or sharing my work, or liking my work. You have made October 2020 such a wonderful, wonderful month, and I am very much looking forward to NaNoWriMo and Minervember in November!
A very, very special shout out to: @alwyssnpe, @mizzadamz, @bialol2, @koymitter, @slytherinmagic38 and @hayalee8 for being so supportive throughout - and anyone else I have missed because tired forgetful brain.
And of course to @snapeaddict, @ching18697 and @mmad-lover for being my greatest sources of inspiration!
Why Didn’t You Tell Me?
And here they stood now, the moment after the end of all things. They stood together, looking upon rather than looking in, looking over rathe than looking at. They stood, side by side, man and man, mentor and student, father and son, and above all things, friend and friend.
“There you are.” The older spoke softly, gently. “What took you so long?” The slightest twist of amusement, delivered with a small smile.
“It was never going to be as quick and as painless as yours.” The response is equally wry.
“Ah yes, but then mine was for a different reason, my dear boy.” Concern now, as they turn to face each other. “Was it painful?”
“For a short time. But it was worth it.”
“Was it?”
“Yes.” Such determination. “He won.”
“We won.” The wisdom of age corrected. “He could not have done this without you.”
“And I could not have, without you.”
“I think you might have figured it out.”
“I doubt that, Headmaster. You were always the one I turned to when I needed direction.”
“As you were for me, Severus. Always.”
They smile, because, there is no reason not to smile, now. Everything they wanted to come pass, is coming to pass, before their eyes.
Except there is one last thing, that requires a decision, but it is a while before they speak again.
“Now a decision must be made.”
“Quite true.”
“This could be the parting of the ways.”
“Also quite true.”
“Our ways.”
“There is no further mission for us. No further quest.”
“Except…”
“Except?”
“It does not have to be.”
“Why would … oh. I…I see.”
A very long pause, even longer than any before, ever.
For @ching18697 - from one of your prompts, and because you are wonderful.
Wind buffeted and hammered them as they made their way along the treacherous coastal path toward their destination. Even their palpable levels of magic could not protect them from the potential drop over the cliffs. Driving rain pooled in creases in their robes, only to slosh and splash most unceremoniously to the sodden ground where their boots left barely distinguishable marks in the smooth mud. Finally, a wand was drawn, and enough light appeared to illuminate both their faces, and very little else.
Glances, around.
“I do not think we were followed.”
“They would have to be extremely determined, my boy.”
“Indeed.”
The weather should have made them hasty. The situation should have made them hasty. The threat should have made them hasty. And yet, it did not. They stood, both on the verge of speaking, both on the verge of sealing secrets to potential eternity.
“You wished to see me, my Lord?” He was aware that he sounded tired, and in fairness, he was. Tiredness was constant, as he lived two different roles, or perhaps not two different roles now in the public eye. Arguably, last year had been harder when he had been the noble Order of the Phoenix spy and the treacherous Death Eater spy -
Then of course, he had murdered Albus Dumbledore, and there was no hope for him being regarded as a member of the Order now. He was just the Death Eater, and he could pretend quite easily that this was all he was, and yet he was even more tired. He did not remember the last time sleep had not evaded him, and he did not remember the last time his mind had been even vaguely kind to him, reminding him critically of every failure he had made, every mistake he had caused, every sin he had committed, not least that one, that night, on that tower, that crime. The greatest crime a man could commit, and although yes it was in aid of the greater good, and the greater cause, not even the portrait on the wall of his office could remind him of that, in truth, enough times for him to believe it. He kept his eyes lowered, focusing on the floor just before the Dark Lord’s chair, counting his heartbeats to keep his emotions most precisely covered and veiled.
“There you are - “ Words to announce presence before the chair was pulled out beside him, and the ever charismatic figure of Albus Dumbledore sat beside him. “Thought it was my trait to be studying in the library.”
“It is not reserved for Ravenclaws only.” Severus glanced at his friend, “Are you working on the essay for Hiddlemarsh?”
“Finished it, of course.” There was such smugness that had defined their five years of companionship, “I am sure it will be perfection, as always. Some of us are just naturally gifted in Transfiguration.” An arm wrapped around Severus’ thin shoulders, “However. Potions, on the other hand…”
“No, I always help - just learn to have more precision - “
"No...no..." He crashed to his knees beside the still figure, "Dad...no...please..." He reached for the collapsed body in the midnight blue robes that had always been his favourite, "Please wake up..." Tears burnt his eyes and shattered from his eyelashes as he shook the body most violently, fingers then curling into the soft fabric, "Please...please..." He gathered the far larger form against him, wanting to transfer some of his life to the corpse, "Please..." Sobs, desolate, desperate, shifted, fury and anger now, "I promise you..." He rocked back and forth, cradling the body, stroking the cool skin and resting his chin against that still forehead and then burying his head into the crook of shoulder and neck where he had always found comfort before, "They are going to pay for this..." He tightened his arms and sobbed all the more harder, "I promise you, Dad...they are going to pay for this!" He wept into the blue robes, lips trembling, fingers groping, left alone, all alone, in this world -
A flurry of activity, all around him. He did not understand the sudden light, the sudden noise, the sudden -
"Riddikulus!"
The body in his arms moved - moved upwards, as if soaring away, and he wanted to grasp for it, "No - " He did not understand - he did not -
"Severus!" He looked up at what was now a strange balloon creature, hovering away - "I don't - "
And then there were arms around him. The warmest of arms, the safest of arms, the strongest of arms. "My boy, it's all right, it's all right." Soothing arms, and oh how he clung to the forearm that was easiest to access as those arms gathered him into an embrace, gathered him against a broad chest, gathered him against blue robes speckled with the tiniest of white stars, and how for a moment as he rested the side of his face against that chest he was touched and tickled and caressed by a greying auburn beard. "...Dad..."
"I've got you. I've got you. It is all right. Everything is fine, my son, everything is fine." One hand stroked his hair as tears of relief choked his tiny figure. "You did great, my boy, you did great."
The sense of safety, of protection, of affection, helped some form of coherence to return to Severus and he looked up into his father's face with a sudden expression of utter crestfallen sadness, "No I didn't. I failed, didn't I...I failed..."
"Severus." The voice was firm. "It is very rare for students in their fifth year to endure such an image when faced with a Boggart - no one would have endured that, and therefore I will speak to the examiners on your behalf - I am surprised that your Defence professor has not spoken to me - "
"Normally..." Severus whispered, "Normally it's just a closed door."
Something in his gentle admission made Albus wrap his arms even tighter around his child. He counted, once more, all the blessings of the universe that had guided him to rescue this young Slytherin wonder of a wizard from his previous home. "Why the change, today, my boy?" He pulled back to settle Severus on the ground, glancing around the room. "It is just us now, I sent the other supervisors away. What is it? What has changed?"
Dark eyes cast down, under long dark eyelashes. Albus reached out to brush the tracking trails of tears away from those cheeks. "Talk to me, Severus."
"I heard..." A swallow. "I heard the older students talking about a war." The shortest flicker of eyes, to Albus'. "What if something happens to you?" An unspoken question hung between them, the question of Severus, the question of what would happen to him, if he was left alone. "Severus. I am not intending to go anywhere, as I have you now. The most important thing in my life. Far more important than any war." He meant those words more than he had ever meant them, but Severus was a child, and Severus could not understand the depth of that emotion, as he had never loved anything as much as Albus loved Severus. "You have to put the war first." Such ancient wisdom seemed out of place on such a young voice. Albus reached for Severus' hands. "No I do not. I will not put anything above you, my child. Ever."
They exchanged a look for a very long moment. Albus sensed that something had changed in his boy, something that was irreversible. He would always be afraid of the war. Albus knew that his Boggart would have changed too. He had not allowed it long enough to see. But for now, they had each other.
As if reading his father's mind, Severus launched himself back into those strong arms, and just as he felt safe and secure and loved and strengthened and cherished by Albus' embrace, Albus felt the same, the very same, from how those smaller arms wrapped around his neck, and the uttering of those words, between them, almost simultaneously, which meant he would never allow the war to change him as it had before. He had something now, worth fighting for.
Severus: Probably best not to ask, Headmaster. I am keeping a low profile.
Albus: ....Why....?
Severus: Well, because she has six Snapetober prompts to write today, and she has *that* expression.
Albus: .... Fancy a day at the beach, my boy?
Severus: It’s October....?
Albus: [meaningful look]
Severus: Definitely.
[at the beach]
Albus: You know she didn’t sleep for about two hours last night as she was creating some time travel story, because, magic, where you and I went to Hogwarts together.
Severus: How utterly terrifying.
Albus: And we went from friends to enemies to friends to....
Severus: STOP! The angsty Snapetober plots are just fine, thank you!
[long pause]
Severus: She wouldn’t have the courage to post it anyway.
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