A 3RACHA Fan-Fiction
|| Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || Ch 6 ||
A/N: im baaaack 😎 welp sort of, im not gonna guarantee when the next chapter will be posted, im kinda just... going along and letting it take however long lol. also... sorry the picture is blurry :( i was struggling so hard to find good pics of changbin and chan. if yall have any that may be fitting please send so i can make a nicer cover! ~Admin Kay
Chapter 6 - Walls
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki AU
Rating: PG (swearing, mentions of sex)
Word Count: 3.8k
“Oh my god, what did I just agree too?!” Changbin panicked, frantically pacing back and forth in front of Jisung, who was comfortably lounging on the couch.
“Calm down, hyung… you’re gonna be fine,” Jisung assured, “The questions that have been weighing down on you over the past few months will finally be answered.”
“You don’t know that! What if Chan wants to talk about something completely different? Or what if the answer he does give is nothing like we’re expecting and is totally irrelevant to my feelings? Having a normal conversation with him is hard enough, but talking about this?! I’m gonna be shitting bricks over this conversation, and there’s not even a sure guarantee that it will help any...”
“You’re right… there’s no sure guarantee that this will help, but you won’t know until you try. And just a reminder, but you’re your own person too though, hyung. If the conversation isn’t going the way you want, you can always bring up the topic yourself and tell him about how you’ve been feeling about it.”
“Did you not hear anything I just said?! I’m going to be a complete nervous wreck out of sheer anticipation of what Chan is going to say! How do you expect me to even begin to bring up the topic first?!”
“You just have to—”
Just as Jisung began to speak, he was interrupted by Changbin’s phone ringing and to no surprise, the caller ID revealed that it was none other than the devil himself, Chan.
“It’s him!” he panicked checking the time which read 8:51, “He’s early!”
“Well, answer it!” Jisung urged.
As he swiped his thumb over the screen to accept the call, he cleared his throat and held his phone up to his ear, “... H-hello…?”
“Hey, Changbin, I’m outside.”
“Yeah, um… o-okay, I’ll be right there…” Changbin stuttered before hanging up, his face now pale as he looked at Jisung expectantly, “What do I do?!”
“Changbin,” Jisung stated firmly and placed his hands on the older boy’s shoulders, “Just be yourself. Don’t be afraid to let down your walls, okay? The longer you hide, the more the burden will weigh on you.”
“The last time I let my walls down with him, I got screwed over.”
“He called you to talk, not to fuck. If he doesn’t have a good reason for what he did, he’s not even worth it… for either of us. Okay? It’s nothing to worry about, you got this!”
Changbin didn’t completely agree, but with his brain starting to malfunction, he ran out of things to say as Jisung walked him to the front door. Giving Changbin a quick pat on the back, Jisung retreated to his room so the two could be alone and talk freely with each other. Changbin hesitated to unlock the door, the sound of his heart pounding in his ears as his hand hovered over the lock. With one last deep breath, he finally willed himself to unlock the door and pull it open, instant butterflies filling his stomach as he came face to face with his longtime crush.
“Hey,” Chan greeted with a feigned smile.
Changbin, still void of words, greeted him with a simple bow of his head before stepping aside to let him into the small dwelling. He led him silently to the couch where they sat awkwardly for a few minutes, not looking at each other nor exchanging any words, that is until Chan finally broke the ice.
“How are you?” he asked abruptly, his voice not filled with his usual confidence, but his tone had some life to it nevertheless, “Or how’ve you been? Jisung told me you were sick a few days ago.”
“How do you think I’ve been?” Changbin replied, a little harsher than Chan expected.
“I’m sorry,” he answered with his head hung in defeat.
“For?”
“Everything.”
“Wow, such an ‘authentic’ apology.”
“Changbin…” Chan whined under his breath, cupping his face into his hands as he figured out how to carry on the conversation. Though he should’ve, he hadn’t really thought about what exactly he was going to say to Changbin and he also hadn’t considered how Changbin was going to react throughout the whole situation. He wasn’t sure if it was the best idea, but on a whim, he decided to just get straight to the point. No amount of small talk could make the situation less uncomfortable than it already was and he just wanted to get the weight off his shoulders as soon as he could. The elephant in the room was becoming far too unbearable so after a long silence, Chan spoke again, “Do you regret it?”
Of all things for Chan to say, that was the last thing Changbin was expecting, so he sat bewildered for a second, wondering what it was Chan was trying to get out of such a question. “...Do you?” he replied and for the first time during their entire awkward exchange, he turned to look at Chan.
“I asked first.”
Letting out a disappointed sigh, Changbin answered, “No, I don’t.”
“Damn… I had a feeling you’d say that, but still, ever since that night I refused to believe that you didn’t.”
“Why?” Changbin furrowed his eyebrows.
“Because… I do,” Chan scoffed, shaking his head, “I regret that I did something so careless and irresponsible as your leader, and I regret that I let my feelings get so out of check that I just… slept with you.”
Changbin felt hurt hearing that he and Chan had differing feelings about their night together, though he understood his point. He knew that being an idol and particularly, being the leader of an idol group was no joke, and the responsibility that came with it was gruesome. It’s a big title to uphold and any issues or scandals, especially ones involving relationships, could mean bad news for not only him, but the whole group… the company even.
“When you say feelings…” Changbin started, a little hesitant to continue, but his curiosity prodded him enough to resume, “Do you mean that… you liked me? Or do you just mean wanting to have sex with me?”
“I wouldn’t have wanted to have sex with you if I didn’t like you, Changbin,” Chan stated matter-of-factly, though, a hint of surprise was burried in his tone, “Did you think I just initiated that for fun?”
“You sure as hell made it seem that way…” Changbin trailed off, “Did you really have to go and ignore me afterwards? Why couldn’t you have just talked to me back then and told me that as the leader, you weren’t comfortable getting involved in a relationship? I would’ve understood.”
“I honestly don’t know, I’m sorry, Changbin, really. I made a lot of dumb decisions at the time because in the spur of the moment, the guilt was eating me alive and I just logically couldn’t think of the right thing to do. Part of me knew I’d be hurting you, but for some reason, I felt that avoiding you was the only way to get over what happened. But then the guilt of hurting you started adding on to the guilt of everything else, so after a while, with so much weight piling up, I just ended up ignoring everything, my feelings included. I let myself grow numb to all the pain, and initially, the ignorance was a bliss; I was more focused on my work than ever before and I was able to get a lot of shit done for the group, but then things started happening with Jisung. I don’t know if he realizes it, but he’s terrible at hiding his feelings. The fact that he liked me was pretty damn obvious for a while before he came out to me, but I didn’t really believe it until then. I thought that my imagination was possibly deceiving me and that I could be looking too deeply into the signs, but when he came out... that was a huge reality check for me. Not long after that, we went to the amusement park together and then the next day, he told me you guys fought… I didn’t know for sure, but my gut feeling told me it must’ve had something to do with me so guess what? The guilt I’d been suppressing came back to haunt me again, and well, that’s why I’m here.”
“Oh right, Jisung. So what's up with him? For someone who isn’t looking for a relationship you seem awfully close with him.”
“I don’t even know anymore… somewhat of a coping mechanism maybe? Everything after the Christmas party has just been so downhill for me that I’ve just been doing whatever I can to get my mind off of it all, but in the end, nothing really works.”
“So, you’re using him?”
“No, I have feelings for Jisung… but again, I have the same guilty feeling that I had with you. I wasn’t intending for anything to happen between us, but his feelings for me were so painfully obvious. I’d always admired him as a person for his talent, looks, personality… so naturally, I caved, and from there, things have just been continuously escalating, starting with our time at the amusement park. I really meant for it to be a bonding time for all three of us, but Jisung told me you were sick and I think with how he feels about me, he immediately saw an opportunity for us to spend time alone together and well…”
“I don’t want to hear anymore,” Changbin interrupted, his chest starting to tighten as his mind drifted to unwanted images of Chan and Jisung together and all the things they might have done that night.
“I’m sorry… I just wanted to be honest with you about it.”
Though the conversation was providing some resolve, it wasn’t quite the resolve Changbin was looking for. All he learned was that Chan is human, just as human as he and Jisung are, he too had personal feelings about things that caused him to make mistakes, feel guilt, have regrets, yet, amidst it all he was still trying to do the right thing and be a good person. Even though his choices sometimes hurt, Chan always had everyone’s best interest in mind and maybe that’s why it was so hard for Changbin to let him go; maybe that’s why he still couldn’t let go. That’s why he fell for him in the first place and why he couldn’t hate him after he left. Chan almost always has good reason for his decisions, but Changbin convinced himself otherwise to ease the pain.
“I support you and Jisung,” Changbin finally spoke up, the agony laced in his words way too apparent for Chan’s liking, “You don’t deserve to be with someone like me anyways. I’m just a pessimist who always thinks the worst of every situation and every person. I held a grudge and even tried to hate you after what you did, convincing myself that you used me. And then I told Jisung that you were using him too, which is why we ended up fighting.”
“That wasn’t even the point of the conversation. This is supposed to be about us, not my relationship with Jisung.”
“There is no ‘us,’ Chan?! What do you even mean?” Changbin argued, standing up from his place on the couch, “It’s just you and Jisung now. You moved on and that’s that. Sure, it sucks, but I’ll deal with it. Hearing from you helped me to stop villainizing you, so thanks.”
The longer the conversation dragged on, the heavier Changbin’s chest and lungs felt. There was no doubt that Changbin was still jealous of Jisung, maybe even more jealous now that he’s heard both sides of the story, and it definitely wasn’t helping his illness by any means, any thoughts he had of this conversation serving as some kind of potential cure having slipped away long ago. He could feel that he couldn’t, or rather shouldn’t hold back much longer, the pain that accumulated in his upper half starting to become unbearable, but he didn’t want Chan to know… he couldn’t. He didn’t want to jeopardize or interfere with Chan’s relationship with Jisung anymore; he vowed to himself that he’d support them, but if Chan found out about his lingering feelings… he knew Chan wouldn’t be able to let that slide.
Chan was observant enough though, to see through Changbin’s facade, the pain inscribed on his face and displayed in his body language sparking concern in the older boy. “Are you okay?” he asked worriedly, quickly approaching him and placing a comforting hand to the small of his back.
“No,” he answered, tears in his eyes as the last drop of control he had over his body’s natural response to his feelings finally slipped away. Pain ruptured through his body as the blue iris petals burst past his lips, the agonizing groan that followed causing Chan’s heart to break as he watched Changbin slump to the floor.
“Changbin...” Chan gasped as he knelt down next to him and wrapped a comforting arm around his limp figure.
“I’m sorry…” Changbin whimpered, his head hung as heavy tears rolled off his cheeks and plopped onto the hardwood floor that was now decorated with a plethora of iris petals, splattered with deep crimson stains, “I couldn’t get over you.”
Soft fingertips brushed beneath Changbin’s chin, tilting his head upward, just slightly before his lips were met with another pair of wet lips that lingered for only a brief moment before pulling away. “I never said I was over you.”
Changbin’s eyes widened, both at Chan’s words and his actions. He felt nothing but utter disbelief towards him and quickly pushed him away before snapping. “What are you doing?! You expect me to believe that?! I don’t need your pity!”
“You know I wouldn’t lie to you…” Chan replied defensively.
“How can you tell me so proudly that Jisung’s feelings for you were so damn obvious and then come here and fucking kiss me?!” Despite how much his lungs were suffering from his earlier flare, Changbin was too consumed by rage to stop himself from going off. “You, more than anyone, should know how crazy he is about you! Do you know how upset he’ll be when he finds out? I hope you didn’t think I’d keep it a secret from him because if you don’t tell him, then I definitely will! He deserves to know that you’re a two-timing, worthless piece of shit! ”
Changbin’s rampage was soon interrupted by the sound of a door opening, both heads immediately turning toward the source to see what it was. “Is everything okay?” Jisung asked worriedly as he hesitantly stepped out of the confinement of his small room. It didn’t take long for him to spot Changbin slumped on the floor with dozens of blue petals scattered on the floor in front of him with Chan sitting on the ground next to him. His wide eyes met Changbin’s briefly before darting over to Chan’s, unable to react to the fact that Changbin’s secret was now disclosed. “W-what happened?”
“Tell him,” Changbin muttered, his head hung as he trembled in pain from yelling earlier. Though he spoke quietly, he knew Chan was close enough to hear him, but still, he said nothing, continuing to sit in silence while Jisung approached them in hopes of an explanation. His lungs were begging for mercy from the pain and overexertion, but Changbin wouldn’t allow Chan the luxury of hiding yet again, not from Jisung. All Jisung ever did was love his hyungs and he always did whatever he could to help them; he didn’t deserve to go through the same excruciating fate that Changbin suffered. He refused to let that happen. So with his last bit of strength, Changbin tightly gripped Chan’s bicep and yelled at the top of his lungs, “Tell him what you did!”
His harsh words were followed by a fit of coughing and more petals trickling past his lips. Tears streamed down his face as he breathed in gasps, the only way he could breathe despite how much it hurt and soon, his vision began to tunnel. In that moment, he hated that he was human and that he was too weak to bear the pain his disease bestowed upon him, both physically and emotionally, that as hard as he tried to fight for his consciousness, his body just couldn’t handle it anymore and he ultimately failed.
Thankfully, feeling how Changbin’s grip on him was starting to loosen, Chan was quick to notice the fainting spell and caught him before his head could hit the floor. Jisung couldn’t help but gasp and kneel next to the two, helping Chan to support Changbin’s limp figure.
“Help me lay him on the couch,” Chan spoke, his tone of voice weak and more monotone than he’d ever heard Chan speak in his life.
Jisung only nodded, each boy slinging an arm around their neck to lift Changbin off the floor and shift him onto the couch, adjusting his limbs to lay comfortably on the cushions. Taking one of Changbin’s hands into his own, Jisung held it up to his face as his lips quivered, trying to swallow the lump forming in his throat before speaking. “He’s getting worse…”
Chan couldn’t bring himself to respond, the guilt of hurting Changbin and lying to Jisung making it hard for him to keep his composure. The heavy atmosphere in the room was just too suffocating and he needed to escape. “I…” he started before taking a deep breath to calm himself down, “I should get going…”
There was a silence after he spoke, Jisung internally debating if he should ask again what had happened between the two of them or not, but seeing as Chan was extremely distressed, he felt maybe it’d be insensitive to ask now. Though he wouldn’t ask about the details, Changbin’s last words before passing out continuously repeated themselves in his head, ‘Tell him what you did.’ He wanted to let it go, but his curiosity was getting the better of him; he just needed to know that one thing.
“Chan…” Jisung addressed quietly, his eyes remaining fixed on Changbin, “What did he want you to tell me?”
Jisung’s words hit him like a bullet to the chest. He honestly hoped he’d evaded that question, thinking Changbin’s episode created enough tension and distraction to move on from it until another time. He wanted to answer, he really did, but with the events that played out and the weight he felt on his heart, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Letting out a defeated sigh, he spoke, “I’m sure he’ll tell you,” and with that, he made his way towards the door, each step growing increasingly heavier as he finally made his long awaited escape.
“FUCK!” Chan cursed the moment he stepped out of the apartment door, angrily scuffing his foot against the carpeted floor before crouching onto the ground and finally letting himself fall apart. Why the fuck did I do that?! was all he could think to himself as tears streamed down his face, legs held tightly against his chest with his head buried in his knees.
Love triangles are always messy enough as it is when the lead has feelings for one and not the other, but what happens when the lead has feelings for both? He knew from the start that it’d just be a set up for failure, so he tried to suppress his feelings and pursue only one, Jisung, but with the pressure of Changbin’s feelings and his illness being added to the picture, he crumbled in the blink of an eye. He hated to see either of them hurting, but it seemed hurting them was all he knew how to do and now, he’d just dug his own grave and getting out would be an insane challenge.
The drive back to his own apartment was silent, Chan not even having the will to put on some music in his car. He wanted to dwell in his thoughts and think deeply about what he’d done so he could possibly figure out a way to fix it. By the time he returned back home, he had mostly calmed down; he was able to stop crying at least and he was able to think a little more logically without interference of his emotions, but of course, he still felt like shit.
The first thing he did when he got back, was make an A-line straight to his bedroom to update his diary on the chaotic turn of events that had just played out. He’d been keeping a little diary for a quite a while now, as it served as another coping mechanism for him, helping him suppress his feelings while he was out doing his normal everyday things. It allowed him a means to vent and just let everything out when things weren’t going well, which seemed to almost always be the case nowadays, and once he got his thoughts out in his diary, it was easier to stop thinking about it for at least long enough to go about the day without any issues.
“Dear Diary,
You’ll never guess how bad I fucked up this time...”
* * *
About thirty minutes had passed when Changbin finally stirred, his consciousness steadily starting to come back to him. Jisung, who was resting his head on the couch whilst sitting on the floor, was immediately alerted by the movement and quickly sat up to check up on his hyung.
“Changbin?” he addressed quietly as he placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, “You awake?”
He only mumbled in response, his eyes slowly beginning to open as he carefully sat himself up. “What happened? Don’t tell me talking to Chan was all a dream,” he half joked, his voice raspy as he rubbed his eyes.
“It wasn’t,” Jisung spoke as he let out a brief chuckle, “You passed out though…”
“Shit…” Changbin groaned, disappointed that the conversation didn’t end so smoothly. He remembered the beginning of the conversation, Chan asking him if he regretted it and talking about his relationship with Jisung… he remembered his hanahaki episode but after that, things seemed to be a bit of a blur. He just remembered being angry.
“Um…” Jisung started a little hesitantly, “I don’t mean to be so straight forward, especially after you just woke up… but something happened that you wanted Chan to tell me…”
Then, it hit him. His eyes widened as the memory of Chan became more vivid, making him gasp and mutter under his breath, “Chan kissed me…”
His voice was quiet, yet audible enough for Jisung to hear, though, he didn’t really want to believe his ears. “W-what?” Jisung asked again for confirmation, really hoping on the inside that he’d misheard... but he didn’t.
“Chan… kissed me.”
|| Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || Ch 6 ||
